Struggling

[Internally_Blitzed]

I am nothing but a burden to anyone who gets close to me. Don’t get too close, or the weight of holding me up will over come you. There is no one in this world that can bear it. I must, as always, bear it alone.

Every day of my life has been some hurdle I had to overcome in order to stride towards the finish line. The problem is, there is never a finish line. There are only hurdles. Worse… there is no coach, no fans, no cheers, no encouragement… nothing that keeps me going any more. There is nothing to run from anymore, and nothing to run to. I have overcome the starting blocks…. I have arrived, yet am no where.

It was supposed to feel exhilarating. Breaking all those cycles of violence, poverty, addictions… I was supposed to be normal and sane and healthy. I’m not. Because at least the violence and poverty and addictions had the illusions of family and love and support… if not the reality. Now I am only left with the reality… the stark, empty, lonely reality that is my life.

Lonely… such an innocuous sounding word. The depths of which no one could possibly know until you feel it. Until you hear the echos of your soul crying out and bouncing off nothing…. No one. The people, the love, the warmth in life… the things that are supposed to surround your soul in that chasm, the things that mute the lonely echos, have just never been there. Sometimes I let someone close enough to hear the echo of my raging soul… but it is too loud in that echoing chasm. It is too loud and people cover their ears and run… blaming me for the lack… of muting. I know it is loud in here. I know that it is too much, but what happens when no one stays long enough to mute it a little for the next one? What happens when everyone leaves, when the pieces that are supposed to mute loneliness are at best fleeting? Sometimes I get a taste of what it might be like… what being loved might feel like. Those tastes only make the cravings stronger. It only makes the lack that much more difficult to bear. I don’t want a taste anymore. I don’t want a teaser of what love feels like.

Loneliness is my constant companion. It is my friend in that in comforts me with its familiarity. But it is also that which keeps me drowning in despair. But at least I know it. I can trust it. It is honest and real and does not tease me with happiness.

But, I am tired of loneliness. I am tired of the anger or laugher that masks it. I am tired of hearing my soul echo in the empty chasm of my life. I am tired of being brave for my kids. I am tired of putting on a happy face. I am tired of being told to back off and of not being able to. I am tired of being desperate and I am tired of no one really giving a ****.

I want to stop running this race. I want to stop the echoing emptiness. I want to mute it all… at once.

I am tired.

 

[Tiina63]

I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. Yes, the word 'lonely' sounds so innocuous, such a short and innocent sounding word to describe the aloneness, the exhaustion and the sheer emotional bleakness which it involves. It can feel like a prison sentence or a black deep swamp of water which, however much you do to try to break out and build up your life, is always lurking and waiting to drag you back in. Putting on a happy face, smiling at people, while inside feeling like you are drowning in total aloneness. And it is the sheer feeling of relentlessness which is so tiring.

 

[somber_radiance]

This might sound out of place...but what you wrote is really poetic. In the least, being on these forums has helped me see that although I may feel like the only one gripped by hollowing loneliness, I am actually NOT alone in how I feel.

 

[Lonely in BC]

This might sound out of place...but what you wrote is really poetic. In the least, being on these forums has helped me see that although I may feel like the only one gripped by hollowing loneliness, I am actually NOT alone in how I feel.

I agree with s_r, your ability to describe your feelings within does have a flow to it. Any chance you could use the same gift to describe for us what it is you're looking to find? What would give you the desire to pursue your ideal situation?

You've used metaphors that indicate you're in some kind of race when it comes to your life- how about dropping the pressure you put on yourself with that kind of mindset?

I know this doesn't change anything for you but your thread says to me you're not ready to give up yet. I hope you don't.