The effects of having no friends for a long period of time, even after finding people

[Nabbit]

I've found that after spending several years alone in childhood as well as getting bullied, that even though it's over, my brain still acts as if I'm still living in that time.

I have a fiance now, I have his family and my family, there's coworkers that want to talk to me more. I still feel lonely. I have a hard time opening up about myself probably because I was bullied as a kid and later betrayed by people in my teens. I tend to think there's a catch when I interact with new people, I'm distrustful. I also think that people won't like me and that I'm a boring person. I tend to take safe routes in life because taking risks... I just think it will end badly for me.

My brain is stuck in the past and I think people hate me, and it's hard to enjoy life and the reality I live in now. It's hard to enjoy my time with my fiance and my new environment, the fact that I'm an adult and can go out and do things and no one is stopping me.

I really have no reason to be lonely or upset, and the fact that I am hurts the people around me. But for some reason my brain is still rooted in the past thinking everything is a threat and that I'm powerless to it. That people don't like me, I have no friends, and I'm alone and can only rely on myself.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar issues, after spending years alone.

 

[vauxhallastra]

Yes, definitely. It took me until my 20s to even realise that not everybody was like me, and that I wasn't necessarily doing them a favour by ending any interaction as soon as humanly possible - that some people actually like interaction.

It's important to repeat often to yourself that nobody hates you - most people don't think the way that we do. In fact, they would find it a bizarre concept, they have no reason to hate you.

There's a brilliant sitcom called 'Peep Show', one of the main characters is depressed, despondent, has social awkwardness, and in one episode he's out with people and says "I think I'm having fun! Well, I'm not actually having fun, but it's as if I am!", which strikes a chord with me, because I'm the same.

Seeing everything as a threat too, my god, yeah. I can't do anything or go anywhere or send an email without analysing to death all the 'dangers' (what if they say this, what if that happens, etc). I'm sure this comes from my childhood too, my mother being an alcoholic. Anyway, it does have an advantage, self-reliance is a wonderful thing.

Take care.

 

[Sebiguess]

I've found that after spending several years alone in childhood as well as getting bullied, that even though it's over, my brain still acts as if I'm still living in that time.

I have a fiance now, I have his family and my family, there's coworkers that want to talk to me more. I still feel lonely. I have a hard time opening up about myself probably because I was bullied as a kid and later betrayed by people in my teens. I tend to think there's a catch when I interact with new people, I'm distrustful. I also think that people won't like me and that I'm a boring person. I tend to take safe routes in life because taking risks... I just think it will end badly for me.

My brain is stuck in the past and I think people hate me, and it's hard to enjoy life and the reality I live in now. It's hard to enjoy my time with my fiance and my new environment, the fact that I'm an adult and can go out and do things and no one is stopping me.

I really have no reason to be lonely or upset, and the fact that I am hurts the people around me. But for some reason my brain is still rooted in the past thinking everything is a threat and that I'm powerless to it. That people don't like me, I have no friends, and I'm alone and can only rely on myself.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar issues, after spending years alone.

You’re very self aware.

I’m no expert but I can relate to what you’re saying. I think basically childhood shapes the way we think and if, as a child, you face constant threats (physical or psychological) then your brain ends up being shaped like a massive threat detector.

 

[nerdgrl]

Yes, I can definitely relate -- except I prefer it now. I think I am used to it and don't want the work involved of trying again on something that "I've seen this one before, and I know how it will end."

 

[user 139760]

Yes, I can definitely relate -- except I prefer it now. I think I am used to it and don't want the work involved of trying again on something that "I've seen this one before, and I know how it will end."

I have to say I somewhat agree, but at the same time...well it's not exactly a fun thought. I like to think it doesn't necessarily end that way if you find the right person.
...then again, what do I know? lol.
I dunno, your post just makes me sad.
Have a v-hug.

 

[nerdgrl]

Sorry that my post made you sad -- that was not my intention. And thank you for your kind thoughts and the v-hug -- I appreciate that, it was unexpected.

You have a point that maybe it doesn't always turn out that way. I'm not an easy person to get along with, and I'm more an ultra-marathoner in friendships than a sprinter in getting to know me (takes years). One friend is surviving me at the moment, and I've learned to give them lots of space.

So, yes -- I'm not for most people, and I accept that. Can't be other than myself, though. Thanks again.

 

[lonelywifey007]

I've found that after spending several years alone in childhood as well as getting bullied, that even though it's over, my brain still acts as if I'm still living in that time.

I have a fiance now, I have his family and my family, there's coworkers that want to talk to me more. I still feel lonely. I have a hard time opening up about myself probably because I was bullied as a kid and later betrayed by people in my teens. I tend to think there's a catch when I interact with new people, I'm distrustful. I also think that people won't like me and that I'm a boring person. I tend to take safe routes in life because taking risks... I just think it will end badly for me.

My brain is stuck in the past and I think people hate me, and it's hard to enjoy life and the reality I live in now. It's hard to enjoy my time with my fiance and my new environment, the fact that I'm an adult and can go out and do things and no one is stopping me.

I really have no reason to be lonely or upset, and the fact that I am hurts the people around me. But for some reason my brain is still rooted in the past thinking everything is a threat and that I'm powerless to it. That people don't like me, I have no friends, and I'm alone and can only rely on myself.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar issues, after spending years alone.

Yes for sure. I’ve been married for 8 years and I have a 22 m/o son but I still feel lonely and at times miserable. I too was bullied for being overweight. Quiet, timid and just did not speak my mind. I still don’t. Praying you overcome your fears and the past. I am also having a hard time with it. Thinking about therapy. How do you feel about that?

 

[Nabbit]

Yes for sure. I’ve been married for 8 years and I have a 22 m/o son but I still feel lonely and at times miserable. I too was bullied for being overweight. Quiet, timid and just did not speak my mind. I still don’t. Praying you overcome your fears and the past. I am also having a hard time with it. Thinking about therapy. How do you feel about that?

I've been in and out of therapy a lot. I think people should try it if they've never done it before. Because if it works for them that's great, worth every dollar.

But it hasn't helped me much. I feel like I know the correct answers to give the therapist and I can't help but do that. I buy self-help books written by psychologists instead, especially aiming for books that have thought exercises. It seems to work for me better.

 

[Dlemm1]

I've found that after spending several years alone in childhood as well as getting bullied, that even though it's over, my brain still acts as if I'm still living in that time.

I have a fiance now, I have his family and my family, there's coworkers that want to talk to me more. I still feel lonely. I have a hard time opening up about myself probably because I was bullied as a kid and later betrayed by people in my teens. I tend to think there's a catch when I interact with new people, I'm distrustful. I also think that people won't like me and that I'm a boring person. I tend to take safe routes in life because taking risks... I just think it will end badly for me.

My brain is stuck in the past and I think people hate me, and it's hard to enjoy life and the reality I live in now. It's hard to enjoy my time with my fiance and my new environment, the fact that I'm an adult and can go out and do things and no one is stopping me.

I really have no reason to be lonely or upset, and the fact that I am hurts the people around me. But for some reason my brain is still rooted in the past thinking everything is a threat and that I'm powerless to it. That people don't like me, I have no friends, and I'm alone and can only rely on myself.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar issues, after spending years alone.

I think I have similar feelings. I was a 'loner in my youth.. right from the age of 11 .. used to go out for long walks and bike rides out in the countryside on my own then! Really shy at school.. grew up being a people pleaser because I believed I was liked. Never had even 1 really close friend so now I'm 53 I feel like I did when I was 11 again... and it seems I'm the common denominator in that any so called friends I thought I had made, are no more. I can't go on facebook because of the jealousy issues I have but it seems I'm missing out on so much by not being on there ( that superficial life right?!) Either way I do feel very similar @Nabbit

 

[ardour]

I had similar problems with bullying and then a few nasty experiences as a teen (one guy who had been friendly towards me all through seventh form ended up choke holding me in front of the form to get a cheap laugh). I ended up sabotaging a number of opportunities to make friends in my 20s because I couldn't handle sincerity in others. Regrets are still with me. The brain remains on 'high alert'/high cortisol in social situation, which interferes with the ability to socialize normally.

Being unlucky with the group of kids you were around isn't your fault. But I don't think it's impossible to get over completely, it's a bit like your mind's firmware, just begin to let it lie in the past.

 

[Oranda]

I've found that after spending several years alone in childhood as well as getting bullied, that even though it's over, my brain still acts as if I'm still living in that time.

I have a fiance now, I have his family and my family, there's coworkers that want to talk to me more. I still feel lonely. I have a hard time opening up about myself probably because I was bullied as a kid and later betrayed by people in my teens. I tend to think there's a catch when I interact with new people, I'm distrustful. I also think that people won't like me and that I'm a boring person. I tend to take safe routes in life because taking risks... I just think it will end badly for me.

My brain is stuck in the past and I think people hate me, and it's hard to enjoy life and the reality I live in now. It's hard to enjoy my time with my fiance and my new environment, the fact that I'm an adult and can go out and do things and no one is stopping me.

I really have no reason to be lonely or upset, and the fact that I am hurts the people around me. But for some reason my brain is still rooted in the past thinking everything is a threat and that I'm powerless to it. That people don't like me, I have no friends, and I'm alone and can only rely on myself.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar issues, after spending years alone.

I was bullied the last four years at school and have never been good at making (or keeping) friends. I was with my late partner from 1994 til he died in 2012 then met my now-husband in 2015. We're very happy but I wish I had friends too and fear the day I'm alone again. He's 12 years older than I so it's statistically likely he'll die first. I can cope practically and financially on my own again but it'll be hard having no-one to talk to.

 

[Beth Griggs]

You’re very self aware.

I’m no expert but I can relate to what you’re saying. I think basically childhood shapes the way we think and if, as a child, you face constant threats (physical or psychological) then your brain ends up being shaped like a massive threat detector.

Child hood can shape you, it depends on many things. As a child I was neglected, unloved, violence, verbal abuse and much more. I had to virtually bring myself up. But I did not let it shape me. I made sure that I got an education, learned skills, got qualifications, got a good job and much much more. Instead of having a lack of confidence and allowing others to abuse me and take me for granted and still valued myself and was still fussy about who I mixed with. The choice is yours.

 

[Melli12]

Child hood can shape you, it depends on many things. As a child I was neglected, unloved, violence, verbal abuse and much more. I had to virtually bring myself up. But I did not let it shape me. I made sure that I got an education, learned skills, got qualifications, got a good job and much much more. Instead of having a lack of confidence and allowing others to abuse me and take me for granted and still valued myself and was still fussy about who I mixed with. The choice is yours.

That sounds like only an easy choice is needed and everything gets better. Even trauma-related deseases are impossible to cope with alone. You need help, good therapies, patience and time. I know lots of ppl, who are more than willing to try and they try for a lot of time and Just have very hard circumstances and/or still not found the right therapies. It's always easy to compare ppl and judge, at least it's more complex and next to the choice there are many more things, the success depends on.

 

[sniffles]

Sometimes I wonder if I grew up in a different, more nurturing environment, would I have become a normal, extroverted person with a big social support network, instead of the introverted recluse I am now. I recognise in my upbringing a case of "proximal separation" as quoted by Gabor Mate, where my parents met all my physical needs but did not sufficiently provide for me psychologically. I had no one to express myself safely to, and so I learnt I had to deal with all my problems myself.

I had very little friends in childhood, and was often rejected which made it even more difficult to form friends. I believe this is also the start of where I subconsciously learnt that those with friends had some level of conformity with one another, but as I started to identify myself as an outsider, I also rejected those ideas which the majority believed in.

It seems my patterns of thinking have diverged so far off from the mainstream that I will be forever condemned to live in my own bubble. There is a deep longing for safe meaningful connection which I never received in childhood, but I can never find this in anyone I meet, because I judge too quickly that they will reject me. Perhaps it is now I that cannot help but reject everyone, like a hedgehog that cannot get close to another.

 

[2longLee]

I've found that after spending several years alone in childhood as well as getting bullied, that even though it's over, my brain still acts as if I'm still living in that time.

I have a fiance now, I have his family and my family, there's coworkers that want to talk to me more. I still feel lonely. I have a hard time opening up about myself probably because I was bullied as a kid and later betrayed by people in my teens. I tend to think there's a catch when I interact with new people, I'm distrustful. I also think that people won't like me and that I'm a boring person. I tend to take safe routes in life because taking risks... I just think it will end badly for me.

My brain is stuck in the past and I think people hate me, and it's hard to enjoy life and the reality I live in now. It's hard to enjoy my time with my fiance and my new environment, the fact that I'm an adult and can go out and do things and no one is stopping me.

I really have no reason to be lonely or upset, and the fact that I am hurts the people around me. But for some reason my brain is still rooted in the past thinking everything is a threat and that I'm powerless to it. That people don't like me, I have no friends, and I'm alone and can only rely on myself.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar issues, after spending years alone.

I have always been a loner since I was a kid. I’ve always wanted friends, I’ve practically paid for friendships in the past. I am now 60 years old and realize I’m gonna die lonely. I don’t get it! I’m a very caring, honest and passionate person and would have loved to fit in somewhere in my younger years. I am my own best friend.

 

[Fragilegirl]

I have always been a loner since I was a kid. I’ve always wanted friends, I’ve practically paid for friendships in the past. I am now 60 years old and realize I’m gonna die lonely. I don’t get it! I’m a very caring, honest and passionate person and would have loved to fit in somewhere in my younger years. I am my own best friend.

Hi i’m in a similar situation. I’ve always been socially awkward. Very shy. It’s very hard for me to go out of my way and make friends. sometimes it’s even hard for me to post here on the boards. I was a member here for two years before I ever made a post. But everyone here has been very nice.
I have a few friends but it’s hard for me to reach out to them and I’m usually waiting for them to call me. I always have this feeling that I’m being a nuisance. I’m trying to get over that and reach out more. I do envy people who make friends easily. Extroverts who just draw people to them. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m never going to be one of those people. So I just have to try harder at making friends and keeping them. I hope you can find some nice people to chat with here on the forums. I’m available to talk if you would like. Just message me.

 

[user 148069]

i understand. I was bullied by teachers and students. I still carry the hurt and all the self loathing from that time. People have told me to let it go and stop being so sensitive but honestly it made me feel more anger and I isolate myself even more?

 

[Adeol]

I have always been a loner since I was a kid. I’ve always wanted friends, I’ve practically paid for friendships in the past. I am now 60 years old and realize I’m gonna die lonely. I don’t get it! I’m a very caring, honest and passionate person and would have loved to fit in somewhere in my younger years. I am my own best friend.

I've been in the same situation since childhood, because of my father... But I got used to it and now I try to smile even if it's difficult sometimes I feel like envying those who have friends to lean on and have a good time or a bad time with them. Anyway so far I don't give up and I always try to be social with those I'm interested in otherwise I don't cry for help either for them to take pity on me... it's really cool to have someone to have fun with and sometimes rave about lol. And I'm very similar, I don't like to take unitile risks if I know the relationship won't last long. The 1st and last time I had my heart broken I had a lot of pain and since that day I pay much more attention to my surroundings and what I talk about so as not to get the wrong ideas. The worst is that I want the good of my loved ones and I do everything to help them but in the end he forgets me quickly but the more time passes and the less I cry. I hope one day to meet the right person...

 

[vicki]

I've been in the same situation since childhood, caused by my father... But I ended up getting used to it and now I try to smile even if it's difficult sometimes I happen to envy those who have friends to rely on and have a good or bad time with them. Anyway until now I don't give up and I always try to be social with those who interest me if not then I don't cry for help either so that they have pity on me... is really cool to have someone to have fun with and sometimes rave lol. And I'm very similar, I don't like taking unitile risks if I know the relationship won't last long. The 1st and last time I had my heart broken I had a lot of pain and since that day I pay much more attention to those around me and what I talk to so as not to get the wrong ideas. The worst is that I want the good of my loved ones and I do everything to help them but in the end I quickly forget but the more time passes and the less I cry. I hope one day to meet the right person...

I feel like that too

 

[constant stranger]

I'm in a similar situation as a lot of the contributors to this thread.

I've been a loner all my life. I'm really prone to looking back at the past. I think of myself as socially awkward and unskilled...(but realistically, I'm probably not as rusty in that department as I think.) OK, subtext: believing that I'm socially backward can be a self fulfilling prophecy and also an excuse to escape back to the safety of solitude. And all my life, all these years, I've had the effing demon ricocheting around in my head, "....I'm not good enough...!"

To be practical, at my age, I've accepted that I'm not ever going to have a significant other or a network of friends and acquaintances. Probably the only social contacts available to me are going to occur in a structured environment...like the patients I visit with at the hospital, usually 2 or 3 mornings every week. And then there are the other members of my church.....I'm an usher and a deacon and I'm the communion bread baker. And then there's the Saturday market.....one day a week from June through October, from 8:00 am to 12:00 I interact with scores of people......it's almost a "normal" social event except that it's artificial.......people come and schmooze with me as they buy their favorite type of bread or cookie.

And that's it. What I know is that I don't want anyone living in my house with me. And I've accepted that normal (for me) is alone and I don't really miss a social life. There is one person, a lady whom I was in the "friend zone" with for 5 years then things got a lot more personal.....for the next 5 years I was the "man on the side".....she had a primary boyfriend who lives out of state. She's gone now. Moved in with him a couple hundred miles away. So that's another example of self fulfilling prophecy: I had my chance and chose to accept 'second fiddle' status and then she moved on. We still correspond with old fashioned letters though. So I've had a taste of what a real relationship might have been like but chose not to dare risking a real SO type commitment.

This is basically my story at the moment. I tell myself I'm contented with my life, but I'm not really very contented. Another way to put it is I've accepted being a damaged person.....functional in some ways but backward in others.