I basically just want to know if there's anyone else who does this, so I can feel like less of an emotional freak ._.
Everyone crushes on someone now and then, but I usually get stuck with one crush for a long time and then do every possible thing I can to hide my feelings. Which works fantastically, since I have the pokerface of a brick wall.
Thing is, it gets to be that, from the moment I get up, I get stuck in this sort of spacy frame of mind; Whatever I'm doing, mindlessly youtubing, etc, whatever doesn't take concentration, it's like part my brain is focused on breathing, not falling out of my chair, and the larger, other part is wrapping me in the soft, warm feelings of..... it's hard to describe. It's like the acceptance you feel when you walk into a room of people you love and have known your whole life, or the feeling you get when you imagine what it's like to have someone hold you in his arms, and know that you're completely safe in every way. Whatever you feel when you think of how it'd be to be in a relationship, I guess. And even when I dont have an actual person to crush on, I end up just filling the blank with the idea of a person, not even anyone in particular. It's like constantly jumping from one relationship to the next, only with none of the benefits, just all the damage.
And worst of all, being stuck like that takes away the ability to decide whether or not I even really like the person. In this case, I have these half-feelings for somebody I have nothing in common with.
((warning, tangent ahead))
The reason why I'm worried about this is because for once, something made me wake up a bit.. and I feel like, at any moment, I could just slip back under and just continue daydreaming about a relationship that can't work out. I have always acted hot & cold to my coworkers, especially the one I have these sort of half-feelings for.. and I don't know how to act towards him-- just shut down and smile faintly, or keep trying to put on a happy appearance and try really hard to find something to say, like usual.
I guess it's just really hard to let go of something I always tried to convince myself would never ever work out, but always deep down believed could happen. It'd kill me to freeze him out and then have to see him at work all the time, but it's so hard to distance myself from my feelings! I wish I could just be normal, focus on finding more interests and ways to become a better, more well rounded person, and just act naturally, and not be so hurt by whatever outcome arises, like always!!
*deep breath*
Everyone crushes on someone now and then, but I usually get stuck with one crush for a long time and then do every possible thing I can to hide my feelings. Which works fantastically, since I have the pokerface of a brick wall.
Thing is, it gets to be that, from the moment I get up, I get stuck in this sort of spacy frame of mind; Whatever I'm doing, mindlessly youtubing, etc, whatever doesn't take concentration, it's like part my brain is focused on breathing, not falling out of my chair, and the larger, other part is wrapping me in the soft, warm feelings of..... it's hard to describe. It's like the acceptance you feel when you walk into a room of people you love and have known your whole life, or the feeling you get when you imagine what it's like to have someone hold you in his arms, and know that you're completely safe in every way. Whatever you feel when you think of how it'd be to be in a relationship, I guess. And even when I dont have an actual person to crush on, I end up just filling the blank with the idea of a person, not even anyone in particular. It's like constantly jumping from one relationship to the next, only with none of the benefits, just all the damage.
And worst of all, being stuck like that takes away the ability to decide whether or not I even really like the person. In this case, I have these half-feelings for somebody I have nothing in common with.
((warning, tangent ahead))
The reason why I'm worried about this is because for once, something made me wake up a bit.. and I feel like, at any moment, I could just slip back under and just continue daydreaming about a relationship that can't work out. I have always acted hot & cold to my coworkers, especially the one I have these sort of half-feelings for.. and I don't know how to act towards him-- just shut down and smile faintly, or keep trying to put on a happy appearance and try really hard to find something to say, like usual.
I guess it's just really hard to let go of something I always tried to convince myself would never ever work out, but always deep down believed could happen. It'd kill me to freeze him out and then have to see him at work all the time, but it's so hard to distance myself from my feelings! I wish I could just be normal, focus on finding more interests and ways to become a better, more well rounded person, and just act naturally, and not be so hurt by whatever outcome arises, like always!!
*deep breath*
