The pain rages on...

[LonelyGuy1]

Hey, everyone.

Been a while since I checked in. I wish I had better news, but I don't.

Still single. Still working myself ragged to find someone. But it seems no matter what I do, no matter how much or how little effort I put in, I have no choice but to wait until I get 'my turn.'

I hate it. I hate everything about being single, mostly because I've always been and I'm literally aching for a change.

My mind is a very frustrated place these days. Some days I think that I deserve so much better than this crap. At other times, I think that this crap is the best I deserve.

Neither way of thinking makes me feel any better. If I deserve to have someone in my life, why can't I find that person? And if I don't deserve anything other than loneliness and frustration, what did I do to earn such a punishment?

The worst part is feeling so powerless. Forces beyond me seem to be running the show, deciding what happens to me, and I have NO CONTROL OVER MY OWN LIFE.

It's a really horrible feeling to realize that what I actually want in my life (my dreams, my wishes, my hopes) doesn't count. My vision for my own life is truly the least important thing. In fact, it means NOTHING.

It's exhausting, emotionally and physically. No one seems to get what I'm going through. For though there are plenty of 35-year-olds who are single, there aren't too many who have never even been kissed, let alone had a serious relationship. It's so hard feeling out of step with the majority of people my age.

The platitudes from well-intentioned but often smug couples don't help either.

Yes, I am 'happy WITH myself.' But I am no longer happy being BY myself.

As I see it, there is a world of difference.

I guess I just wish we lived in a world where single people (who already have enough to deal with in a world built for couples) could at least voice their frustrations about being single without being admonished for it. I am SO tired of having to explain to people who HAVE someone why I want to find someone, too.

It's NOT a sign of weakness on my part. There are things I want to experience (love, affection, intimacy, etc.) for which I need another person. I should not be made to feel that there is something wrong with me for desiring that kind of companionship.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Hey, everyone.

Been a while since I checked in. I wish I had better news, but I don't.

Still single. Still working myself ragged to find someone. But it seems no matter what I do, no matter how much or how little effort I put in, I have no choice but to wait until I get 'my turn.'

I hate it. I hate everything about being single, mostly because I've always been and I'm literally aching for a change.

My mind is a very frustrated place these days. Some days I think that I deserve so much better than this crap. At other times, I think that this crap is the best I deserve.

Neither way of thinking makes me feel any better. If I deserve to have someone in my life, why can't I find that person? And if I don't deserve anything other than loneliness and frustration, what did I do to earn such a punishment?

The worst part is feeling so powerless. Forces beyond me seem to be running the show, deciding what happens to me, and I have NO CONTROL OVER MY OWN LIFE.

It's a really horrible feeling to realize that what I actually want in my life (my dreams, my wishes, my hopes) doesn't count. My vision for my own life is truly the least important thing. In fact, it means NOTHING.

It's exhausting, emotionally and physically. No one seems to get what I'm going through. For though there are plenty of 35-year-olds who are single, there aren't too many who have never even been kissed, let alone had a serious relationship. It's so hard feeling out of step with the majority of people my age.

The platitudes from well-intentioned but often smug couples don't help either.

Yes, I am 'happy WITH myself.' But I am no longer happy being BY myself.

As I see it, there is a world of difference.

I guess I just wish we lived in a world where single people (who already have enough to deal with in a world built for couples) could at least voice their frustrations about being single without being admonished for it. I am SO tired of having to explain to people who HAVE someone why I want to find someone, too.

It's NOT a sign of weakness on my part. There are things I want to experience (love, affection, intimacy, etc.) for which I need another person. I should not be made to feel that there is something wrong with me for desiring that kind of companionship.

I understand what you are going thru. What you have got to understand though is - SINGLE IS BETTER !

You think your life is crap now ? Imagine having a miserable wife, 4 kids and no money. No free time, getting nagged all the time. Can't pay the mortgage. I imagine it's no fun.

You need to stop wanting a relationship, you need to start living a life, enjoying your life. And if you meet a nice woman then 'great' - if not so what ? It doesn't stop you enjoying yourself, having friends, earning money.

 

[Tiina63]

OP-I feel the same way that you do. I have put so much effort into finding someone and yet am still alone. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do-wanting love, affection and intimacy are basic human needs. I agree with you how single people nowadays are admonished if we say would like to be in a relationship.
I don't know what the answer is, but wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

 

[TheRealCallie]

What have you done to find someone? Are you introducing yourself in different areas where you live? Are you joining new groups all the time? I mean, if you just expect someone to fall into your lap, that likely won't happen. (Not saying you are expecting this, I'm just saying)

Just keep trying, there's nothing wrong with wanting what you want.

What you have got to understand though is - SINGLE IS BETTER !

You think your life is crap now ? Imagine having a miserable wife, 4 kids and no money. No free time, getting nagged all the time. Can't pay the mortgage. I imagine it's no fun.

Um...that's your opinion. Relationships have good things about them too. Having someone to vent to, someone to relax with, someone to come home to, etc etc etc. Not everyone who is in a relationship is going to have a miserable wife, 4 kids and no money and there's nothing saying you can't have free time if you have kids either. Oh and MANY people who are married (with or without kids) rent, not buy houses/apartments, so no mortgage.
But, thank you for assuming every wife nags their husbands. Men nag too, just fyi.

 

[Triple Bogey]

What have you done to find someone? Are you introducing yourself in different areas where you live? Are you joining new groups all the time? I mean, if you just expect someone to fall into your lap, that likely won't happen. (Not saying you are expecting this, I'm just saying)

Just keep trying, there's nothing wrong with wanting what you want.

What you have got to understand though is - SINGLE IS BETTER !

You think your life is crap now ? Imagine having a miserable wife, 4 kids and no money. No free time, getting nagged all the time. Can't pay the mortgage. I imagine it's no fun.

Um...that's your opinion. Relationships have good things about them too. Having someone to vent to, someone to relax with, someone to come home to, etc etc etc. Not everyone who is in a relationship is going to have a miserable wife, 4 kids and no money and there's nothing saying you can't have free time if you have kids either. Oh and MANY people who are married (with or without kids) rent, not buy houses/apartments, so no mortgage.
But, thank you for assuming every wife nags their husbands. Men nag too, just fyi.

and that is your opinion. I am entitled to mine. The guy shouldn't be unhappy just because nobody wants to **** him. It's a waste of a life. How many people are truly happy in a relationship ? The answer is not many.

And all women nag.

---

OP-I feel the same way that you do. I have put so much effort into finding someone and yet am still alone. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do-wanting love, affection and intimacy are basic human needs. I agree with you how single people nowadays are admonished if we say would like to be in a relationship.
I don't know what the answer is, but wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

The choice is continue to 'want' somebody and be miserable all your life.

Or put it to the back of your mind and concentrate on enjoying your life, travelling, making friends, doing stuff, being happy.

 

[TheRealCallie]

and that is your opinion. I am entitled to mine. The guy shouldn't be unhappy just because nobody wants to **** him. It's a waste of a life. How many people are truly happy in a relationship ? The answer is not many.

And all women nag.

The guy isn't looking for a ****, he's looking for a relationship. There's nothing wrong with wanting one. They have good things about them too. Just because you haven't experienced them, doesn't mean they don't exist. Lots of people are happy in relationships. None are perfect, of course, but that doesn't mean you can't still be happy in one, so you're "not many" answer is wrong.
All men nag too. Doesn't matter what you call it, it's all the same.

 

[blumar]

I feel your pain Lonely, I'm in a similar situation. Everywhere I look there are couples and I seem to be the odd woman out. And I think to myself, what the heck did I do wrong? What boat did I miss? How is it that everyone one else has found that someone else in the massive sea of humans and here I am walking around feeling as though I don't exist. I try - I am nice to people, even tried the online thing but to no avail. It just feels as though every back is turned no matter how hard I try (or even if I don't try)...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for wanting companionship. Having someone else to share in life's adventures can be a great thing. Of course, all relationships can be trying but it's also nice to have someone to go for walks, grab dinner or travel. Don't give up hope - I'm cheering for you (and me)

 

[Bob Lee]

Hi LonelyGuy1,

I totally understand what you mean. I really do.
I actually am in agreement with both "Triple Bogey" and "TheRealCallie"
Although they seemingly have different point of views of the matter but the truth is they are both are equally correct.

Although I think women can nag more than the men. hehe. I admit, i am being a bit biased.
So I will concede to.... Yes, we all get on each other nerves!

There is nothing wrong with wanting intimate companionship such as a Wife or Girlfriend.
Surely we can both agree that the relationship gotta be genuine, otherwise its a fake relationship.
There are many "fake" people in the world, some folks will have a relationship with you
just to have access to your money, resources, or as a means to settle down for long-term security.
Many people fear ending up in their upper 40's and beyond as a LONER! This greatly frightens them!

Although I have practicality no friends myself, but I do have quite a number of acquaintances and confidants,
and many of them is as shallow as they come... denying any and everyone that is not like them or as physically
appealing to them, then fast forward 10 years, those good looks begin to dissolve or flat out disappear...
now all of a sudden the ladies are not as picky as they were 10 years ago (of course I am generalizing here!)
Just to make it clear, I am not saying all women or men do this but the shallow ones certainly do!

Although we humans are not as smart or as wise on everything, but we can certainly tell when we are being
played, patronized, and only being dealt with as the others need for necessity, and that's no life for anyone.

Seriously, would you want to be in a relationship with someone that has the mentality... Anyone is better than no one!
Anyone that thinks that way while in a relationship, probably doesn't even love that person... much less respect them.
People do funny things in the name of their fears.

You have abused people in society that stay in violent relationships just so that are NOT alone, that is how you know how far gone
mentally and psychologically we are as society.

True companionship whether intimate or otherwise both will know that the love and/or loyalty is very real and there will be no doubt.
Loyalty is very powerful almost as powerful as love, both will be proven and seen all of the time throughout the relationship.

Bottom line.... nothing is wrong with wanting companionship and wanting to be loved intimately.
Should this opportunity present itself go for it. But don't expect that scenario to fall on your lap.
You are have to be involved also in making that a possibility. Absent that, continue to do you!
Continue to focus on things that make you happy based off things that is possible and available to you at this time.
I am not saying, Give up on making friends or seeking after a girlfriend, or even change your ways.

Do what you can day by day, and take it form there. Go out, take a chance every now and again at a bar, or
public outing. No one is saying go everyday and act out of the ordinary of what you would normally do.

For what its worth, you seem like an articulate cool person to chat with and talk to. If I get that feeling just from one single post you've written. I can only imagine how real genuine people will resonate towards you from just being around you and really getting to know who you really are!

Work at it day by day, and stay true to yourself! Peace!

 

[Veruca]

Lonelyguy1, I am sorry that you're in this place. I think a lot of us here can resonate with you.

I think its unfair for people to make single people feel bad about wanting companionship. Everyone desires something...money, better looks, a big house or car etc. We desire these things because we think it will make our lives better so why should we be made to feel desperate or abnormal for wanting something as basic as companionship? But alas, the world is an unfair place so I find the best thing to do is ignore such comments. I think people are too ignorant to see it this way or too ignorant on an EQ level to empathise.

I do believe however that the hope and search for a partner shouldn't bring us down. I know it can be draining and rejection can leave you feeling demotivated and low. For me, it helps to not focus on it too much. I think of a relationship as all the other wonderful things I desire. Life would be super if I had it, but it doesnt have to be sad and terrible if I dont.

It helps to focus on all the other things that can be achieved easily, the small things. You never know who you might meet whilst you're doing all these other things.

I dont know if that helps but I used to feel very rejected and alone being single but trying this method has made me feel a lot better.

I hope you feel better soon too.

 

[LonelySutton]

I totally understand what you mean. I really do.
I actually am in agreement with both "Triple Bogey" and "TheRealCallie"
Although they seemingly have different point of views of the matter but the truth is they are both are equally correct.

I agree with Bob and with Bogey and Callie. When companionship is good it is good with many positive things but when it is bad, it can be brutal. And sadly today, I find a LOT of people just don't know or care how to do it. And that can lead to misery.

Having someone alone may not bring what you are looking for and those who are dismissive of your wishes when they "have someone" may not have the companionship of which you seek. Even if you think they do.

I do wonder if you have wanted something for a while and it isn't forthcoming if acceptance might be the only route to make you happy.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Everybody needs friends, company and conversation. That's a must.
We don't all need a partner though. You can have a fantastic life without.
If trying to meet somebody leads to endless misery then I suggest either packing it in or making it less important in your thinking.