There is a third. Need advice.

[Magic_Storm]

Hello everybody,

I am having a problem with a young girl (19 years old) that is bothering me way too much. I am 24 years old, and already graduated from college with a bachelor degree. I am looking for a serious relationship with commitment, since my intention is to have a life partner and I don't have intentions of having a crappy relationship. I already experienced a 5 years serious relationship that ended last year, so I feel I have learned a lot from the good and bad of that experience and from myself.

Now to my problem:

I originally started talking to this young lady through the internet for many months before we had our first meeting which leaded to a type of romantic relationship. The months passed and we keep developing feelings. We have had already physical intimacy, although no penetration.

My problem here is that she have allowed things that I consider that are not right, and It keep bothering me and wondering what should I do.

She has a best friend that is in love with her. And he is pushy with his feelings for her and it has been like that for many months, and it seem to not stop. They were sexually open last year, and he keep trying being sexual to her. I already went through the crap that he touched her sexually this last August. And I decided to "let it go" because it was him who started it, although she did not do anything to stop it. He "apologized" to me about it, but he only apologized because she was feeling bad that I did not want anything with her anymore in that moment. And he keep being pushy and sexual to her after that. What I mean by that is that he keep trying to touch her and saying sexual things to her, and trying to push his feelings to her. I also have to suck that she gives him a ride to the university and vise verse. She spend a lot of time with him and goes to places with him always (Movies, restaurants, church, band practice, college, etc). It's like he is her boyfriend, always there in everything, and always texting her. I have a problem that I can't be with her constantly because I live in another place and I do not have a car to see her a lot, and her college schedule and events makes it harder to find a day to see her.

I have told her about this many times, and things are still the same, and she not only have this problem with me, the other guy also bother her about me. Now lately I have been logging in her Facebook to see what is going on with him because I was going crazy not knowing. And I found out that he push his feelings for her a lot, and tries to engage her sexually by making her remember things they did together last year, or any other sexual thing. I also found out through Facebook that he tried to touch her sexually in the car, and she did not share that with me. She had the nerve to say to me through message in that moment that she was feeling horny. Horny because someone else tried to touch you? Also giving compliments of how her ****s looks? When he talk about his feelings for her she does not reply or get tired of it, or just tell him to find someone else.

I warned her about him since this started to bother me. But I do not see any progress and it has been many months already.

There is also something else with another person. She went to a college trip to Europe where her teacher touched her sexually. She was not feeling well and went to his room in the hotel and he started to touch her. I want to make clear that when I say touch her I mean fingering her, kissing her, touching her breasts, etc. The professor (of 50 years old) believed that she liked him. She told me about this, and she just let it go. She "confronted" him, but what she told me is that he was telling her how much he likes her, how he loved seeing her figure, her breasts, etc. I warned her to go away of him and break contact, but she did not do that. She said that she was going to do it, but she did not. Later she added him to Facebook, and said she was going to delete him later, which she did not do. That was in June, and she still keep contact with him through Facebook and in college. And that man is like the other guy, he keep being pushy with his feelings all the time. And she likes talking to him.

To me, you should not allow people like that being there. You gives false hopes to those people to believe that they can have a chance with you.

I hope I did not sound too unclear. I find it hard to organize my thoughts about this matter to share it with others.

I am really in need of advices for this.

Thanks in advance.

 

[theraab]

I think you need to find another woman. From what you say, she doesn't seem to be the person you're looking for. She is stringing along/teasing both you and this other guy and when confronted about it, she doesn't make a decision.

I'm not exactly sure what to make of the story about her professor.

Now, get ready for that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach - she may be doing more with that other guy than you think (and with the professor, too). Sorry. From what you say, she hasn't given you much reason to trust her - her behavior is shady (why would she friend this creep professor on facebook, for instance). I think you're already suspicious of this - you are logging into her Facebook account to stalk her (which, by the way isn't the sign of a healthy relationship).

 

[The Good Citizen]

Its not clear what your relationship is with this girl, I know you chatted to her on the internet met up and a few things have happened since of a sexual nature, but are you actually in a commited relationship with her? Are you both clear on that?

When you say you have been logging in to her facebook, do you mean you have her account login details and have been reading her private messages or do you mean you have read what has been posted to her facebook page, so what has been said is public for all to see? Theres a difference there in terms of what is fair to her and as theraab says its not a healthy position to be in to be reading all this from a distance either way.

It really comes down to how much time have you spent with this girl and what has been said between you in terms of commitment to each other. To put it simply, does she view you as her boyfriend or a guy she knows who she has got close to a few times?

Regardless, I think given the fact that you are looking for a serious commmited relationship and you have quoted her age and the fact that she seems to have other guys in her own life, you already know the answer to your own questions It seems you are after different things. Ask yourself if she is worth the worry and the heartache of knowing all this and if she is at all commited to you, as it doesnt seem to be the case on face vaue. Maybe its easier if you look to someone else nearer to you who wants the same level of commitment.

I think you need to elaborate on what your relationship actually is with her but I would probably come to the same response, the facts seem to speak for themselves.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Tell her to cut them off and give you their addresses, or you cut her off. Period. Full stop.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Im sorry....and you want to be with her WHY??

 

[Magic_Storm]

Thank you so much for your replies. It is worth to me to hear from others since this is out of my hands to what else to think. And I want to put a stop to this bad cycle.

I have a romantic relationship wit her. She is "serious" about it, she tells me. She is interested in a future. She says to me "I love you", and that she wants me. I have told her that I am open to be her friend, but her reply to that is if she can't have me fully, then she rather leave (Zero contact). I have told her that I am open to a friendship because of what I see that is going on with the other guy and all the crap I get.

I have been logging into her Facebook reading her messages. I was suspicious about what was going on, she stopped mentioning things about the guy and the professor for a while, and I know they are still there (she talks simultaneously to me and him many times), I had the urge to know to stop my anxiety and unaccountability. I understand this is a very unhealthy behavior, and I want to get out of it and all the other negative things this is bringing to me.

The reasons why I have not just said "screw it" is because feelings grew in me for her, and because I feel that she in general is a lot better than other women around here (When I say in general I do not mean it in a relationship, since that is what is not going good).

About the teacher, when he did that to her, she told me right away, and she was not ok with what happened to her. But as I said she just let it go and left him be there. When the other guy touched her, she also told me right away. After that, she did not share anything else sexually related about them, and I had to find out things through her Facebook messages?

 

[IgnoredOne]

She's hiding things from you. This is not the mark of a healthy relationship with a future; she needs to stop it, or you do.

More realistically, try this: stop all contact with her for two weeks. See how you feel, and how things should be going after that.

 

[kamya]

She doesn't respect you. I have a hard time believing she would just "let" these things happen without wanting them to.

You don't trust her. You have to log in to her facebook just to get information.

 

[Tealeaf]

There are no "friends" in committed relationships. Only friends. If there's any reason to put quotes around it and the person isn't completely socially clueless, you're being led on, cheated on, whatever. It's the age old trick to keep someone extra around while being able to wail that your over-jealous significant other is trying to control you by denying you opposite sex friends you allow to talk to you sexually, secretly sleep over at your shared home while they're away, warm their hands down your panties, etc. Sometimes they don't even need to do that, because their significant other eagerly believes every lie that's fed to them because they so want to believe they're in a safe, loving relationship.

Your girlfriend added someone who sexually touched her onto Facebook after saying she didn't want it? And talks to him all the time, apparently liking it and allowing him to continue verbally? Do you not see how totally not innocent this is?

*shrug*

People will find a million reasons to argue that someone doing those things is actually a good person who loves them and is faithful. It's why we have wives with loving husbands who routinely beat the **** out of them and men whose upstanding and respectable girlfriends have blown half the town behind their backs.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I have been logging into her Facebook reading her messages.

And she is still interested in you WHY?! That's a gross violation of privacy there. Logging into an account that isn't yours?

 

[The Good Citizen]

I have been logging into her Facebook reading her messages.

And she is still interested in you WHY?! That's a gross violation of privacy there. Logging into an account that isn't yours?

Yep thats really not on, you can find healthier situations than all of this.

You've said you're looking for "a serious relationship with commitment, since my intention is to have a life partner and I don't have intentions of having a crappy relationship."

But thats exactly what you've got here, unfaithful, trust issues, invading privacy, crappy.

You should really move on, it sounds like thats what you're thinking too.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Girl here.

Move on.

I would also advise you to stop logging into other peoples accounts when you already know they're cheating on you. I would think you would not learn anything new doing that. You already know the wrong she is doing to you.

I would break up with somone for that if they did that to me (logging into my accounts). It would break my sense of trust in them.

 

[IgnoredOne]

does that mean I should stop installing keyloggers on the computers of SO's?

 

[SophiaGrace]

does that mean I should stop installing keyloggers on the computers of SO's?

 

[Magic_Storm]

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate them. I can't disagree with any of you.

She was open with her Facebook info long time ago. I never asked for her info, she gave it to me for various unrelated reasons. It was not until now that I decided to check what was going on with this matter because of how I was feeling. Yes, it is a violation of privacy, that at least lead me to know more with what type of thing I am dealing. And surprises.

 

[SophiaGrace]

You didn't need to know more. You already knew enough to make an informed decision.

 

[perfanoff]

Hello everybody,
...

It seems to me that you know it in your gut she is not and will not get serious with you, and that you are waiting for her to grow up and figure out what she wants and then HOPE that she will want you.

She's only 19, man... boy you are gonna WAIT.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Hello everybody,
...

It seems to me that you know it in your gut she is not and will not get serious with you, and that you are waiting for her to grow up and figure out what she wants and then HOPE that she will want you.

She's only 19, man... boy you are gonna WAIT.

Nah, age has nothing to do with dedication.

 

[perfanoff]

Not directly, but maturity does.

 

[Limlim]

I sexually touch myself sexually. It makes me sexually excited and sexually frustrated at the same sexually time.