thick/a joke

[bens]

Just wanted to post to vent. I might come back and think about this and re-tpe it in the hopes that I get some answers.
All my life I've been depressive and a miserable git. My firt memory is telling boh my parents its a certainity theyre going to die.
I'm thick - Ive always tried to read and to learn but I just don't put 2 and 2 together as fast as others and I make stupid oversights that fresia me over utterly.
I've got no friends - I had some who didn't mind how quiet I was becaus for a bit I was funny and nice enough to them that it didn't matter, but recently since trying to be more assertive I've lost all the kind, clumsiness that was the only good thing about me.
I'm completely none assertive - Ive been trying to teach for almost a year but people just don't listen to me,I look like a jokey awkward scarecrow when i move, my instructions are never clear and I always trip over my own lesson plan because Ive made massive oversights. Every other lesson is a process of helpers lookingbemused/pitiful as thy watch me fresia up and dissapear into a ball in the corner.
My life has got to the low now that I absent myself from most of it and just drift through fresia ups that I'm responsible for as if I'm not really there.
I'm still frighened of death but only because I love landcapes, I do keep trying to do better but I just don't seem to have it in me.
My only dream at the moment i to find a place to squat alone - but realistically it's cold and there's a lot of ppl out there that'd fresia me over. If I cant cope in everyday life how would I cope with smackheads? I can't cope anymore all I want to do is drink or get stoned but they don't help me out.(they're not the root of my problems either I don't do either that much normally).
Dunno where to go from here, I've been waiting to hit the bottom all my life but people keep giving me chances and I'm barely even half hearted about taking them up anymore. I don't want to die but only sleep and look at landscapes. ******* hate who I am and everything about what I've made of my life. I've wasted so many chnces over and over again. FML.

 

[shells]

I just wanted to say I can relate a lot to this - but I'm not sure if I have much advice or answers. I wish I did.

*hug*

 

[bens]

Cheers. *hug back like*

 

[njlonelydude]

If you want to gain confidence, here's my advice:

Find a challenging activity that you're good at it. For some people it's a sport, for others it's being creative, for others it's solving puzzles...find what works for you. I don't know how low yourself self-esteem is, but everyone is good at something. Stephen Hawkings is physically very weak, but he's one of the smartest people alive. You're probably really talented at something that counters your perceived "faults."

Once you find this talent, not only will you gain confidence, but the judgmental fucks in your life will *respect you.


Ask if you want to know why I put an asterisk next to "respect"

 

[Brother Karl]

You like landscapes a lot - so have you ever thought about painting or photography as a hobby?

 

[bens]

I've tried painting - graffiti when I was younger, was quite into it for few years but never mastered it because I couldnt get a coherant style of lettering, didnt do it for long enough or think about the way I was trying to learn it either. Think part of my problem is not being able to zoom out and see the bigger picture. Or hold it all in my head at once. I would really like to get into lanscape photography, the next time I have a weekend free I'll start looking into it.

 

[Brother Karl]

I've tried painting - graffiti when I was younger, was quite into it for few years but never mastered it because I couldnt get a coherant style of lettering, didnt do it for long enough or think about the way I was trying to learn it either. Think part of my problem is not being able to zoom out and see the bigger picture. Or hold it all in my head at once. I would really like to get into lanscape photography, the next time I have a weekend free I'll start looking into it.

Yeah. I'm sure there are always some classes you could attend if you wanted to home your passion for painting.

 

[Peaches]

This thread makes my heart reach out to you - especially the part about the teaching and people who don't listen, that sounds familiar
You sound very critical of yourself, what about finding a place, an activity, where you can be happy with "you"? (not that I don't understand how that works).
Personally, I found that some activities were really bad for my self esteem, and others were a bit better; and I remember the pain of ruining things over and over again, when somebody pointed out that I was kind of nice to everybody but myself I was treating like crap.
So after that I started trying to think that myself was another person, and to criticize with less hatred.
Hope you will feel better soon Landscapes are great to calm the mind..

 

[Calm]

I've tried painting - graffiti when I was younger, was quite into it for few years but never mastered it because I couldnt get a coherant style of lettering, didnt do it for long enough or think about the way I was trying to learn it either. Think part of my problem is not being able to zoom out and see the bigger picture. Or hold it all in my head at once. I would really like to get into lanscape photography, the next time I have a weekend free I'll start looking into it.

Ah, the old problem of getting too much in the details. Why do you give up so easily?
It amazes me how people just think they have no talent and give up, rather than actually learn, look at other pictures and study from them. I guess it is not the lack of talent but lack of real interest. Interest needs sometimes a little push, because people might not know what they are interested in.

If you can, take up some croque lessons, will get your hand and head straight if done enough with simple one stroke line.
I've tried graffity myself, and I find it more like drawing than painting, there has a lot more to do with lines than different blends, at least for me. I stick with traditional painting on canvas though, more control, more time.

 

[bens]

Cheers for the responses.

YEah I think it is more drawing than painting, it's all the lines that I like about it. I still doodle sometimes but not often enough. I could do with eveloping a technique for learning. What do you mainly paint calm?
Also thankyou peaches your post really cheered meup/comforted me. The pain of ruining things chimes. I keep wondering with teaching if doing something that I'm not too good at over and over again is really a wise idea - but it's hard to know if giving up is actually a good idea or I should stick it out.
I've been no good at anything except the most rushed, basic jobs so far so that's where I'd end up if I quit. But maybe it'd be a good thing, I'd love to do a job I was bored of and loathed because it was so easy. Maybe I could start from there and work up and travel when I wanted - its just there wouldn't be any security in it or hope I was moving on to somewhere new where mybe id magically make friends and be social again.
cheers anyway.