well...that's why some of my post are long...somewhere in there, I did mentioned about my fiance and my best friend.
Writting is healing for me. So that I don't have to carry all the honeysuckle inside of me....
With a best freind like him...who needs enemies. Even though he appolgized and braced for me to punch him...I didn't at that moment.
Ultimately I did kicked his ass. I almost killed him. Poeple had to pull me off of him becuase I was in state of rage.
It was back in the days when freind cound fist fight and not kill each other. Violent wasn't the best answer, but I had
to put the blame where the blame belongs and let go. And I swear to him from that moment, that if he ever hurts her in anyway
I'd hunt him down and kill him. He ended up marrying her.
They did end up getting a diviorce. Years later.
I did end up living with her and trying again. At that time in my life..I hadn't work through really forgiving her. It was still in the back of my mind somewhere.
mmmm...it's always going to be in the back of my mind...evidently i havn't forgotten. I'm writting about it.Errr..I didn't kill enough brain cells? LoL
Abusing drugs and alcohol didn't healed me of it...it just numb me out for a while...but then again, I needed to know I can go on even if it was getting messed up out
of my fucken mind and having women throw themselves at me. I needed to know...if my life was going to be messed up, it was me at the wheels. lol
No...I don't cry about it anymore....There's another chick I'm crying over
However being able to write about it now without pains running through my vains ..i guess I recovered from it. There's a narley ass scar though. Oh will, it happens
to the best of us....
It's difficult to tell becuase everyone process and react to it different.
Only you and you alone knows how extensive the hurt and pains within youself.
It's not is if people can stick a prob in you...and get a dyagnostic printout of your thinking process and emotions
Don't isolate.
Talk to people. Just go out and have fun. Meet new poeple. Do wild crazy things. Give yourself a break.
It's ok to cry. It's ok to feel angery. It's ok to feel the hatered....it's ok to feel.
Don't internalized what other's actions and turn it against yourself.
Be willing to trust again. It's difficult, but please give yourself a break. No, you don't have to trust everyone.
No, not everyone is the same. No, not everyone is worthy of your trust.
There where plenty of women that were/is willing to take me home and wanted to love me back to life.
I'm not so sure if JADDED is stampped on my forehead. For some reason I attracted a lot of women that wants to fix me.
It's not like I talk about me ex when I go out...
Go out, put yourself out there. Get the blood flow going. It's better than sitting home alone picking at your wounds.
Don't become your own worst enemy. You have enough already.
As far as friendship...that too takes time.
Healing takes time...but time alone will not heal your wounds. For me wasn't so much that I wouldn't move on...it wasn't the first
time a I had a relationship. And it was the first time I lost close male friends...it was the circumstance and what happened.
I had something similar that happened to me a couple of years ago. My ex-gf cheated on me with someone I had be friended.
It was like reliving the nightmare again. Even with the death of Jenni. Andrea was HS GF..she died during our senior year in HS.
I totally lost it..that was my breaking piont. Everything got retriggered plus on top of the circumstances I was going through.
There's some spiritaul books that kind explain what happened to me...but it might be way too out there for you....
" A broken heart is an open heart"....what happened to me recently retriggered or brought up a lot of pains that I wanted to let go.
Kind of like..the human body will push out a splinter...Yeap, that what it was like...Andrea's death and my fiancee was like a slither in my mind or thorn in my side.
Bascailly god broke my heart and reached deep inside of heart and pull the DIS-EASE (pain) out of me. It was painful becuase my heart had to be broken or cutted into in order
for the pains to be remove..becuase it didn't heal right the first time. I nevered grieved for Andrea and i never forgave Lois...I just burried it inside of me.
The healing came from god...not from people, places and things...that if you beliving in god and that there's a reason for everything.
Anyway..i came across the sedona Methdoe less than a year ago. It's a healing and letting program. It helped me alot mentally and emotionally.
I notice great improvement and didn't felt stuck in all of the termoil. I notice progress within myself...It gave me hope...becuase for a while , i thought
I wasn't ever going to snap out of it. It's without the god thing. I can't do the god thing at the moment...becuase I have too many fucken questions.
Actaully just one....FUCKEN WHY????? The sedona methdoe gets me away from trying to figure it out. Trying to figure it out drove me nucken futz.
Trying to figure it out..is bascailly me picking at my wounds...the more i pick at my wounds, the more infected it'll get and the wounds never heals.
It's just simple and direct. Don't figure it out and just let go.
Sometimes...you have to play through the pains after you get knock on your ass. Pick yourself back up, stay in the game, life gose on.
My feelings won't kill me...putting a .38 specail to my head might.
Follow your hopes and dreams. Make a simple dicision to be happy no matter what...everyday , one day at a time.
This is onething I've notice about my life. As soon as I let go of a woman another woman will simply step into my life. Even , now as I'm writting this.
