Hi again guys… I am a little speechless right now so I apologize for any ensuing rambles or other nonsense. I have never had such an outpouring of support from anyone, much less a group of people I don’t know. Thank you… from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. You are all so kind and I wish I could hug each and every one of you for what you’ve done to try and lift me up. I have been reading all of your words over and over again. They mean the world to me. I want to reply to everyone individually, so again I’m sorry if this gets crazily long.
Flotsamjetsam- I just have to say that you personify the kind of man I thought only existed in fairytales. You are so sweet. The male examples I’ve had in my life have been so poor. As I mentioned before, my dad became addicted to pornography and that aside never showed any affection towards me. One of my uncles regularly liked to discuss strippers at the dinner table during holidays, and the other talked about reading Playboy magazines even being married to my aunt. My grandpa didn’t engage in any of these activities, but has nonetheless always been cold and distant from me. I have never been hugged by my grandpa, and not by my dad for as long as I can remember (I assume he did when I was younger). They are the only male relatives I have.
My view of men is distorted, I know. I currently attend and work at a public community college where I’m surrounded daily by men who chase after all the perfect girls. They wear vulgar shirts that make blatant comments about breast size. Cars in the parking lot have stickers like “I love big ta-tas” and “I love whores.” It is overwhelming and depressing, and it has only contributed to my fear and misconception of men. Guys like you and the others who have replied have truly helped me just by writing to me. Thank you so much.
Barbaloot- I guess that I have a hard time separating men from boys, because I feel like I have really only had examples of the latter. I feel like I could have so much to give a man, if he could just love my looks and my body. I know I will never look like the girls on magazine covers but even if my outside is ugly, I do think my inside is beautiful. I love everything in this world with my whole heart and soul. If someone gives me a bubblegum wrapper as a present I will treasure it forever because it was a gift. I would do anything for the loved ones I have.
I, too, hope that I will be able to love my body as it is. That is my ultimate goal and what drove me to come here. I don’t think I could even attempt being in a relationship with a man until I can love myself first, because even if he DID say nice things about me, I don’t think I’d be able to believe him.
Bob Arctor- You are very kind, thank you. To this day I will never understand how bullying makes people feel good, even in my most depressed state I could never fathom making fun of someone else to try and boost myself.
I actually do not use Facebook. The incident happened after I went to a journalism conference this past spring with some co-workers. An employee of a newspaper took a picture of the crowd (we were on the front row) and posted it to the paper’s Facebook account. During our lunch break, one of my co-workers came across the picture and a man – a stranger, a complete stranger – had posted comments about how ugly I was. I can’t put into words how much this shattered me and humiliated me. I have never been able to even use FB since, and I’ve only just gotten to the point where seeing my friends use it doesn’t make me want to have a panic attack.
I just don’t know why I am bullied so much. It started when I was in elementary school and to this day hasn’t stopped completely. I don’t know what is so wrong with me that people have to make fun of me. I believe there’s a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that goes something like, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” and I have certainly been consenting to it my whole life. I don’t know how to stop.
I was able to have one counseling session here at my college, but they only do a referral program and the counselor they tried to refer me to doesn’t accept my insurance. I would like to try and find one that does, because I really don’t know how to get through this.
Grainofrice24- You are so sweet and you made me smile and laugh. Thank you very much. I really hope someone will find me sexy someday. I know that women can be so shallow, too, and I feel bad that I always seem to generalize men instead of both sexes. I guess it’s because I’ve had so many negative examples, or maybe because I am worried about a man accepting me, not so much a woman. (PS- Your icon makes me hungry! Haha.)
Tiina63- Thank you very much for replying to me and bless you for what you have been through. I know I should be grateful for not having had to go through something like that. I know I should be thankful for just having a functioning body that can take care of me, but it certainly is hard. I hope I can develop an outlook more like yours. I am just so obsessed with the thought of being seen as beautiful, sexy, etc. by a man. I would give anything to be physically wanted, and I know that’s probably not a good mindset to have.
Ajdass1- That website was strikingly beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. I hope I can be as strong as those women someday. They are all so gorgeous and confident and strong.
Theraab- You made me really smile, too, thank you. I have seen some quips about how a man would appreciate breasts like mine because they offer variety every night, haha. I’d like to try and have that outlook about them someday. And you are very sweet. The acne is mostly condensed to the opposite side of my face nowadays, it’s better than it once was but it still really bothers me. I’ve tried a lot of things and they’ve never worked as much as I’d like them to. I’m hoping to see a dermatologist sometime soon as well.
TropicalStarfish- I agree with your statement about oppression so much, the United States media has become so toxic to women that it’s hurting us, even if it’s in a much different way than you might think of. I certainly agree that I dwell on what I hate about myself, instead of what I like (I haven’t really found much that I do like, to be honest, at least on the outside).
I also know what you mean about escaping from your own thoughts and feeling at peace. I sometimes get that, too, if I really get absorbed in playing a video game or writing. My problem is as soon as my mind isn’t occupied, it is instantly filled with my own toxic thoughts again. Thank you very much for your words, and for the luck. I wish you good luck, too.
Walley- That is too sweet… I have never been called anyone’s type before, haha. Your wife is very lucky to have such a sweet husband
I just don’t know how I can feel sexy or beautiful. I have actually thought about buying lingerie just for myself but I keep writing it off, saying it’s ridiculous and dumb. But maybe I will give it a try. I would consider surgery as a last resort if I had the money, but I really, truly want to become comfortable and feel beautiful in my own skin, the way I am.
Sterling- This probably sounds ridiculous, but it has honestly been impossible for me up to this point (and getting the opinions of guys here) to believe that a guy WOULD want to date me because they aren’t even, or even close to even. I truly thought I would just be a complete turn-off to any hot-blooded guy. I have literally had nightmares about getting married, taking my clothes off, and the guy just laughing and saying he wants an annulment. Does your friend have issues with hers? If no, how did she overcome them if they were ever an issue in the first place? I really don’t know how to get over this, how to change my thinking.
Badjedidude- I looked at that site again last night. I had seen it before and just briefly skimmed, but it always hurt because only a couple of girls’ breasts came close to looking like mine, and they wrote about how they still weren’t happy and they wanted surgery because of them. There are also so many incredible, perfect-looking breasts on that site that it makes me want to cry. But I am going to try to keep going there, and keep looking, and read up on some of the information you mentioned (I’ve only ever really skimmed through the pictures). But that aside, thank you very much for your honestly awesome opinion. I know I’ve never had the chance but I feel like I could be an amazing mate, an amazing wife, an amazing lover, etc., if someone could come to love my body. I really, really hope you are right.
Monkeysocks- It has certainly brought me a lot of comfort to read everyone’s amazing comments, I can’t even tell you (or maybe you can tell by how much I am rambling to everyone, haha!) I definitely want to find a doctor, the one I tried was of no help at all, not even for the issue I actually went to her for. I guess my problem with the media is, I feel like if that is the image they’ve created, then it must be what men want out of a woman.
Kat- I did see a college counselor for one session, but unfortunately they just perform a referral service to outside sources, and the counselor I was referred to does not take my insurance. I would really, really like to go to a therapist because I really don’t know how to get over some of these issues, and feel beautiful.
Badjedidude- You are just amazing beyond words, haha. Thank you.
HumanZ- That really gives me some hope, thank you so much. Part of the reason I want to be able to feel beautiful and good in my skin is because I’m afraid if I ever did find a man so wonderful and he DID love me the way I was, I wouldn’t believe him, and I know that would be so frustrating to him.
Fustar- Thank you so much. I also have a strong belief in God and I have been struggling to accept that He made me this way for a reason. I understand your struggles, I was very depressed as a teenager and ballooned up to about 340 lbs., which is where a lot of the bullying came from. I can’t wait to get to the same point as you, where I like what I see in the mirror. It seems impossible but I’m trying to tell myself that it’s not.
Monkeysocks- I definitely take shallow comments as rejection, too, I always have. I hope I can get to the point where I see things as you do
It is so hard for me to take pictures of myself. My mom has almost 0 pictures of me as a teenager because I hate the camera so much. I always look so bad, and people always made fun of me. But I’m trying to be strong. That’s why I tried to make it a point to put my picture up here… I am trying to get over that.
