Using Relationship as an Excuse to Hold Back

[AutumgGypsy]

Right now I've been regretting a decision I've made. During one of my last semesters, I started to get very friendly with one of the guys in my class. I had the feeling he had a thing for me, and I started to have some feelings for him as well. I'm in a relationship though and he was as well, and I purposely held back a bit because I felt I was doing something wrong (and I guess it counts as emotional cheating depending on how you look at that sorta thing). At the time I told myself I was doing the right thing, but now I can't believe how much I regret that decision. I let go someone who could have a been a great friend. I find myself really missing this guy even though It's been about a year since we were in class together. The truth is I was just scared to get close to someone new, so I let myself pull back. I told myself I needed to stay away from him, because I think its awful to be attracted to another man when you're in a relationship. I would love feedback from anyone here on the forum. Do you think it I did the right thing putting a stop to our friendship considering we seemed to have a strong attraction to each other? Or did I mess up a good thing out of fear, and let my relationship be a safety net? I thought that with time, I wouldn't even think about this person anymore and I'm kind of surprised I feel this way at all.

 

[perfanoff]

That depends on whether you wanted a ...long or permanent relationship with your boyfriend.

 

[painter's radio]

Although it is quite sad, I admire your decision, and think you did the right thing. If you felt these things for another guy then yeah it's best to step back from it. You know why you did it. Next time try to keep a middleground. It's OK to have friends of the opposite sex, but if you do notice you both have feelings for each other and think "hmm, me and him would totally end up together if we weren't in relationships" then it's probably best to keep them at arm's length.

 

[theraab]

You did the right thing in the sense that you didn't let anything progress with the friend - but, that you thought it was possible that you could have let it get out of hand is kind of telling about your relationship with your boyfriend. It sounds like your boyfriend may not be fulfilling your emotional needs, and if that is the case, you may need to think about whether or not you should keep that relationship going.

 

[9006]

I had the feeling he had a thing for me, and I started to have some feelings for him as well.

It depends what type of feelings these were, if they were innocent, friendly feelings then yes, you probably did make a mistake, but otherwise no. And in a situation like this, it's best to make your feelings clear at the beginning that you're in a relationship and not looking for someone that way, because unfortunately when it comes to some guys (not necessarily him), weather they're in a relationship or not isn't important when another girl shows them interest.

Also, I wouldn't beat yourself up about not making friends with this guy, because I'm sure other opportunities will present themselves.

People always regret bad decisions they might of made, it's part of life; it's weather you can learn and move on from them.

 

[AutumgGypsy]

That depends on whether you wanted a ...long or permanent relationship with your boyfriend.

Yes I see what you're saying. Unfortunately my boyfriend and I were having serious problems around then, and we almost broke up. Things are OK now, but not great. This is going to sound awful, but a part of me wishes things did just end and I could have started a relationship with someone new. But when you're actually staring down that part where you have to make the decision to end things, sometimes the thought of loneliness gets the best of you and you fight as hard as you can to stay together. It's complicated because there is nothing wrong with our relationship now except for the lack of connection I feel towards him. Of course the obvious answer would be to leave, but its hard for me to figure out what is a true lack of feelings for someone, and what's just my depression talking. Cutting out the people in my life I have a lack of feelings for is kinda how I ended up being alone in the first place, so it's much harder now to take the plunge and the do the right thing (or figure out what the right thing even is). Ugh the more I type the more complicated and bad this sounds.

 

[perfanoff]

What can I say. Going on an emotional roller coaster and being split between two conflicting feelings, is no good way to live. You're in a sad situation and I do feel sorry for you. I wish things settle down for you one way or another... and I wish it is you and him that decide how things will turn out rather than leave it to circumstance.. then you would know whatever you chose that you chose it and YOU own your fate for better or worse..

 

[AutumgGypsy]

Although it is quite sad, I admire your decision, and think you did the right thing. If you felt these things for another guy then yeah it's best to step back from it. You know why you did it. Next time try to keep a middleground. It's OK to have friends of the opposite sex, but if you do notice you both have feelings for each other and think "hmm, me and him would totally end up together if we weren't in relationships" then it's probably best to keep them at arm's length.

Thanks painter's radio. It was a sad and confusing situation. I thought I did the right thing at the time, which is why I don't understand these conflicting feelings. The worst part is, my boyfriend has friends (I do not) and one of which is a female friend. She is in a relationship with one of the other friends of the group ( and I don't doubt my boyfriend's loyalty) but I can't say with 100% certainty he's not attracted to her the way I was to this guy. He will denies it of course. It used to bother me, but I don't really care anymore. I guess the point is I feel like things are unfair. HE gets to have a group of friends, and a female friend and will hang out with them whenever he pleases. I have NO friends (and I think I should note we are in a long distance relationship, so I see him about once a month), and feel I have to give up a potential friendship with a guy I happen to be attracted to out of loyalty. I guess I'm mad because doing the right thing in this case also meant sacrificing my personal happiness.

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You did the right thing in the sense that you didn't let anything progress with the friend - but, that you thought it was possible that you could have let it get out of hand is kind of telling about your relationship with your boyfriend. It sounds like your boyfriend may not be fulfilling your emotional needs, and if that is the case, you may need to think about whether or not you should keep that relationship going.

This is definitely true. I don't feel my emotional needs are being taken care of at all, but I settled in accepting the ways things are so that I could stay with him. When we almost broke up a year ago, it was because i kept trying to get closer emotionally and this made him pull farther away. He felt I was nagging him, and making him feel guilty, and said that ignoring the situation was in his mind the best way to fix the problem. I came to accept later, that we will never be truly close the way I want to, but it was better to be in a stable, comfortable, content relationship with a perfectly nice, normal guy than be alone (or with an emotionally abusive person). It's stupid, I know. Fear of being lonely makes you do stupid, stupid things.

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I had the feeling he had a thing for me, and I started to have some feelings for him as well.

It depends what type of feelings these were, if they were innocent, friendly feelings then yes, you probably did make a mistake, but otherwise no. And in a situation like this, it's best to make your feelings clear at the beginning that you're in a relationship and not looking for someone that way, because unfortunately when it comes to some guys (not necessarily him), weather they're in a relationship or not isn't important when another girl shows them interest.

Also, I wouldn't beat yourself up about not making friends with this guy, because I'm sure other opportunities will present themselves.

People always regret bad decisions they might of made, it's part of life; it's weather you can learn and move on from them.

Thanks for that, I really hope other opportunities come up soon. Being such a quiet, weird, and guarded person its so rare to meet someone I actually get along with. He was the first person in a long time to get through to me. I hope at least the experience will be something to learn from. You'd think I'd have moved on by now and forgotten. I just hope things work out the way they are supposed to.

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What can I say. Going on an emotional roller coaster and being split between two conflicting feelings, is no good way to live. You're in a sad situation and I do feel sorry for you. I wish things settle down for you one way or another... and I wish it is you and him that decide how things will turn out rather than leave it to circumstance.. then you would know whatever you chose that you chose it and YOU own your fate for better or worse..

I know it's a terrible way to live. I may have to sit him down and have a serious conversation about this. This has gone on for three years already, and I guess I need to accept I can't fix things, so I need to move on soon. Thank you so much for the kind words of advice.