Verbal Abuse....

[TheSolitaryMan]

The reason we broke up is because he found out I was flirting with and seeking attention from other "people" I did this because I grew tired of him being mean to me every other day...he blames everything on being OCD and did a lot of mean things to me.

Okay, what you need to do is weigh something up:

- Are you more happy with him than sad? Do you feel he truly respects and loves you?

To me, it sounds like you're not. Frankly, he sounds like a prick. There is never an excuse to grind someone down day after day.

The problem is that a manipulative person is able to create an emotional grip on their partner, keeping them in a poisonous relationship. There's every possibility he will just get worse and I don't think his current behaviour is acceptable. If he's not already changing how he's acting, chances are he sees nothing wrong with it.

You're in a relationship to enhance your life beyond what it would be single, not to take **** from someone heaped on top of your own problems.

Don't fear loneliness - some forms of torment run even further emotionally.

Weigh it up, decide what you want. I think everyone deserves a partner that truly respects them. If any girl hit at my emotions like that all the time, she'd be dumped so fast she wouldn't know what'd happened.

Good luck.

 

[Ak5]

Don't go back to him.

Find a "nice guy".

 

[WishingWell]

Arcane--I was in a verbal, physical and even sexual relationship in my late teens/early twenties he was my husband, and I took his abuse before I married him. It is very complicated why I still got married, and why I didn't leave sooner. It lasted SIX years. The physical pain healed. I did need psychotherapy for many years because of the verbal and sexual abuse, because I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There was so much hurt, fear and crying that I was wasting my life. I heard years later that he was abusive to his second wife. I want to reach out to you and say that people like that don't change. Please try to take the advice from someone who knows, and end the relationship. No matter what you have done, you don't deserve to be talked to like that. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you like garbage? If not, I suggest that you end it NOW, no matter hard it is. You will be happy you did in the future. You are wasting precious days of your life, crying over how the one who is supposed to love you more than anyone else talks to you. You have one life...please don't waste another minute of it.

 

[SofiasMami]

I don't know if it's true that he will never change.......
he's all dope sick now anyway so I don't have to put up with it.

What does "dope sick" mean?

How long are you willing to wait to see if he will change? Another 3 years? 30 years?
Why don't you get in the driver's seat and take over. You'll never be happy with this guy. You might see glimpses of it now and then when he feels like being nice but that's all you'll get. Don't you deserve better than that? Even if you don't feel like you deserve better, at least pretend until you really believe it.
I've always said I'd rather be happy and alone than miserable in a relationship.

Teresa

 

[IgnoredOne]

Honestly, if you wish him to change, you should at least leave him for a time period. People do not generally change unless they feel that they are losing something, and the reality that he could lose you would be one of the few things that could facilitate real change in him.

More importantly, perhaps the clarity of mind away from someone negative, even for a time period, could be valuable. I would also recommend avoiding any other entanglements during that time period - you seem to always have to be around people, and at least in some cases, I feel that it might be useful to simply seek some peace to make friends and rediscover yourself, without the influence of others.

Whether positive or negative, other people will always influence you with their opinions and judgments. There's a great serenity at times to simply be away from it all, rely only upon yourself, and find grace in something more permanent than another human being's malleable opinions.

At least that has been true for myself. Your mileage may vary.

 

[WishingWell]

Arcade--I agree with Sophia Grace. Get away from him and start your life--you are wasting precious time. Like I said, you only live once. I also, believe that a person like that won't change, since they just have an abusive nature--unless they go to therapy and want to change. As I said in my other post, the abusive man I was involved with went on to abuse his second wife.

 

[LoneKiller]

Forgive me if I come come across as hostile, but this punk is a textbook manipulator. I don't give a **** how much he might apologize, say he loves you, or even starts crying to make you feel how sorry he is. It's all part of his game.

C'mon Arcane, you can see the writing on the wall. This will never end if you don't start taking the initiative and leave this prick. No matter how much advice we give you, you must step up to the plate and take action into your own hands. Nobody else will do it for you.

 

[WishingWell]

LoneKiller, you are 100% right on!!!

 

[DreamerDeceiver]

Frankly speaking, no one should have to feel obligated to someone who cannot respect them in return for whatever reason.

It may seem the right thing to do in helping your fiance with his mental/emotional conflict, it sounds like you have remained patient and strong for a long time with a great deal of hope for him. Though there has to be a point where if nothing seems to be improving and matters are only becoming worse, there will come that final straw and you will need to decide for yourself whether you will be truly happy with this guy for the rest of your life, or not, regardless of the things that make you both attached, past and present. If it comes down to the fact that he is only manipulating you through your love and sympathy and fear of his abuse then as LoneKiller said, you need to take action for your own good and leave him.

I believe someone like you deserves better, Arcane, honestly.

 

[Callie]

Forgive me if I come come across as hostile, but this punk is a textbook manipulator. I don't give a **** how much he might apologize, say he loves you, or even starts crying to make you feel how sorry he is. It's all part of his game.

C'mon Arcane, you can see the writing on the wall. This will never end if you don't start taking the initiative and leave this prick. No matter how much advice we give you, you must step up to the plate and take action into your own hands. Nobody else will do it for you.

Lonekiller is right, you're the only one that can leave, he won't, he's too invested in molding you into what he wants you to be. You can be whatever he wants, but it won't be good enough, he still won't be satisfied.
He says those "sweet" things so you don't leave him. He has no intention of stopping what he is doing. He is ruining your self esteem so you think no one else will want you, he's the only one that will put up with you, etc etc etc.
You can't change him, only he can do that, but as long as you are still there with him, he won't see any reason to change. If you want any hope of him being the man you think him to be, you have to leave. Staying will only enable him to continue what he's doing because he won't see anything wrong with it.
The choice is, of course, yours. But as I said before, if you stay be careful and get counseling... trust me, you'll need it.

 

[Arcane]

I feel as if I shouldn't have posted this...he isn't ALWAYS like that to me..not even most of the time...I wrote it while we were in a three day fight...or ..he was with me rather...I feel like I shouldn't have posted it because there are two sides to a story...and no one else REALLY knows him. If he ever got physical with me it would be easy to leave. but when I have messed up things and hurt him before I don't feel like I somehow am better than him or above him if i have my own bad flaws...I think we need counsling together...things have been good for the past few days I am just sick of him being addicted to opiates. Yeah , another huge problem. I know I seem weak and pathetic...I guess I am but I am just giving him the chance I would want him to give me...I won't stick around doing this for another 3 years though... i don't think i'm that weak..

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
I was wondering if you were going to respond to the posts here
Only you can decide and take action in your relationship, no one here can do that for you. If you find you're making excuses for his behavior and find yourself walking on eggshells when you're around him though, beware, that's a red flag. Good luck and I hope you make the correct decision for yourself.

Teresa

 

[Arcane]

I responded above..but more specific to your post...by dope sick I mean..he is sick when he doesn't take opiates. And I wish I could be happier alone but unfortuneatly I seem to hurt myself more than anyone could hurt me .....

 

[shells]

As someone who formerly abused opiates, once those claws of addiction are in... It's hard to break free from. Even now that I am clean, I can't recall a day that I haven't thought about them. Sometimes I feel like all it takes is someone offering them to me -- not sure I'd have the strength to say no.

I wouldn't put your concerns about him on the back-burner. As long as he continues to use, things will continue to get worse and worse. You say that you won't stay in this situation three years from now, but what if you unexpectedly get pregnant? What if something happens along the way that makes it even more difficult to confront these problems? Or, maybe you are like me and wait until something horrible happens to wake you up. I wouldn't suggest doing the latter...

Others have posted some insightful advice in this thread. I hope you consider them carefully.

 

[Arcane]

I have abused opiates in the past ..as well as alcohol. He quit cold turkey two times in his life......but it seems every timee something horrible happens to him he goes back...I want to help him.

I am lucky enough to say I'm physically unable to bear children...Horribluste things have happened and I have deeply thought about the things everyone has said.....while i'm not going to just cut him off I am going to at the very least not endure anymore verbal abuse...it's especially hard..i didn't write this in my first post but i have put up with this all 21 years of my life.

As someone who formerly abused opiates, once those claws of addiction are in... It's hard to break free from. Even now that I am clean, I can't recall a day that I haven't thought about them. Sometimes I feel like all it takes is someone offering them to me -- not sure I'd have the strength to say no.

I wouldn't put your concerns about him on the back-burner. As long as he continues to use, things will continue to get worse and worse. You say that you won't stay in this situation three years from now, but what if you unexpectedly get pregnant? What if something happens along the way that makes it even more difficult to confront these problems? Or, maybe you are like me and wait until something horrible happens to wake you up. I wouldn't suggest doing the latter...

Others have posted some insightful advice in this thread. I hope you consider them carefully.

 

[Lovely Smile]

Maybe you should go get help, not like the police or anything but counseling for people who undergo any type of abuse. I'm sure on one hand he's very sweet but I don't want it to end up where it escalates to something drastic. I hope it really works out for the best!

 

[Arcane]

I went to therapy a bunch but I always just felt too happy every time I went because someone HAD to listen to me.....so in conclusion it didn't help much...I think we need to go to couples councling so maybe he can reallly see what he's doing......thank you

 

[Sprint]

I went to therapy a bunch but I always just felt too happy every time I went because someone HAD to listen to me.....so in conclusion it didn't help much...I think we need to go to couples councling so maybe he can reallly see what he's doing......thank you

...and so that you can see what you're doing too.

 

[Arcane]

I went to therapy a bunch but I always just felt too happy every time I went because someone HAD to listen to me.....so in conclusion it didn't help much...I think we need to go to couples councling so maybe he can reallly see what he's doing......thank you

...and so that you can see what you're doing too.

yeah.

 

[LoneKiller]

Long term Opiate abuse can lead to a psychotic breakdown and violent behavior. You are fixing to go down hard Arcane. I understand what it's like to abuse those little *******s. I also understand what being addicted to them is like. You can turn your back on a person, but not a chemical. His addiction is only going to cause his mind to deteriorate which is a very dire and dangerous state of affairs.

Don't regret posting your dilemma here. All of our advice is your "Wake-Up"
call. Answer the phone.

You have my deepest condolences.