Want advice, will pay hugs/handshakes

[TheSolitaryMan]

Hey guys, it's me! Another rare Solitary log-on, another confused post in Relationships

May I ask for some advice from you all? A few different perspectives should really help

Girls keep flirting with me lately. I know for sure I'm not imagining it now, though for the longest time I thought I was. A couple of weeks back I actually had a random tipsy girl come up to me in the bar and start snuggling up to me!

I know that should be great and I sound like a whinging oaf, but it isn't great at all. It just always ends up really hurting me

Girls flirt with me, I flirt back, I get emotionally interested in them, they bite me. It's a horrible cycle.

You can see my old threads for examples, I won't reiterate it all. I'll get on with the present story.

--

There's a girl I see socially regularly, we dance together recreationally (yes, another girl I met dancing ).

Anyway, about 12 months ago she basically told me out of the blue she'd never had a BF before, etc. etc., I just took this as chit-chat and was friendly to her. We got to know each other a little, but never really well.

The last week or two she's been really flirty with me. Like often when I'm stood next to her, she'll lean in until our bodies are touching. She comes over to me to dance with me, picks me over other guys etc.

Non-physically, she has been encouraging me every now and then to hang out with her. Stuff like "I really hope I'll see you at X soon!" or "I'll be there on X day."

So I caught her looking at me in a sultry fashion a few times when we were stood around together. Finally, we danced really, really passionately recently and it was amazing. I was whispering, she was laughing, we were holding hands afterwards...

So this is all good stuff, right? Hmph.

A week or so ago I asked her to get a drink with me. She smiled a lot and even nodded a bit...she didn't say no, but she also didn't say yes! Then she said she had to leave to meet her flatmates, which was fair enough.

Trying to play it cool without pushing her on matters, I recently attended this event she invited me to. She seemed surprised, came over, gave me a hug and was apparently really happy I went!

This made me feel great! She came over to chat with me a bunch of times while I was meeting her friends and did the whole "cuddling up" thing a few times while I was standing around. I was feeling really positive about how we were getting on.

Anyway, end of the evening this random guy she spent almost no time with came over and kissed her cheek. Wut?

Weirdly, she didn't smile at him, kiss him back or anything. She just sort of stood there looking a bit awkward and said a few words to him. I might of imagined it, but I think she was looking at me the whole time. I made my goodbyes (as I was leaving) and left.

--

I did feel a bit crap. Not as bad as I usually do when this sort of thing happens, but I guess I just don't understand it.

Is she just toying with me? She seems too innocent/affectionate for that, but I've thought that before and was wrong...

I'm wondering if this guy is perhaps just some sort of wannabe boyfriend, or someone she's not "serious" with, but is hanging round with? It would explain why she was a bit reluctant to meet for a drink.

But it's just frustrating. My colleague has literally just turned up at my college and already has a GF within a week of starting, he's barely even talked to her before magically getting a movie date...it's crazy

Meanwhile I seem to meet girls like this who are really flirty for weeks, are all over me...but then just stand around letting other guys kiss them in front of me

 

[TheRealCallie]

Are you sure this random guy wasn't just a cousin or brother or even a close friend? If she didn't acknowledge it, I'd say it was harmless and meant nothing.
I would ask her out again, maybe something other than to get a drink, since she didn't respond either way to that.

 

[DVEUS]

i hate to tell you this...really i do...and this may not be your specific circumstances...

BUT from my own experiences this type of behavior wreaks of a social butterfly...meaning she means no harm but is just passing the time until what she's really looking for emerges...

 

[Sci-Fi]

Wow look who it is, howdy stranger.

Some guys are just like that, they think just because they know a girl they can get affectionate like that. I knew a few guys (and girls) who thought if they did that it might make the person interested in them. Or it just could be a guy who is affectionate. I knew a guy who liked to hug, didn't matter who, man or woman he'd hug you, and not just a quick hug but a real hug. Just the way he was. So I wouldn't read too much into it, she certainly didn't seem interested in the guy from what you described. Shake it off and ask the girl out on a proper date or at least find out if she interested in you.

 

[Yamira]

I wouldn't read that much into it. Here we kiss everybody we know better on the cheek for a hello and same for goodbye. No matter if male or female. So I wouldn't mind that much.

I know the frustration that everyone else gets a boyfriend so easy when I'm only getting the guys who are just interested in some one night stands or affairs....

But I wouldn't read to much into it and just continue...

 

[ladyforsaken]

I don't know, if I were you, I'd probably be wondering the same thing and over think things here.

Why don't you ask her who it was? Would that be weird?

I dont know why, but I'm kinda wondering if she could be pretending to not be too friendly to this guy, afraid that you'll see? Maybe she wasn't being honest.....

Okay I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying things like these. Just out of experience, not everything everyone says is true.. it's just hard to believe things people say nowadays.

Just throwing my 2 cents out there.

 

[LonesomeLoner]

I think you should ask her out on a date and see how it goes from there. I hope something good happens for you soon.

 

[Omnipotent Soul]

Yeah, I would maybe ask her who it was who kissed her. Like TheRealCallie said, he could just be a brother or a cousin. She sounds like she may be interested in you, so you should ask her out for a proper date like dinner or a movie.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Well, basically it turned out the guy who cheek-kissed her is her bf. They're at that stage where they don't tell anyone and it's still apparently fine to flirt with other people for weeks even though they're committed

She turned up with him at this group event a few weeks later and they were doing a lot of PDA, she sort of looked guilty when she saw me and made an effort to be friendly to me but I found it hard to be friendly back.

TBH I was surprised that I didn't even feel that bad. I just felt sort of weary. I guess I'm so used to girls messing with my feelings like this now that it doesn't actually hurt directly :club:

I know that sounds a bit bitter, but bleh. I got asked out on a "date" going on a walk with another girl this weekend and she told me she's in a "casual but long term" relationship, which made me wonder why the hell she asked me along and kept asking if I was seeing anyone in the first place...

I tried joining a dating website. I've messaged something like 25 girls over a couple of months. I did some research and used some tact in sending the messages, I kept them short and tailored them completely to each girl and I think I've had 1 reply so far. Which was just this "Hey you're cool" sort of message that she didn't follow up on when I replied.

Even worse, I recently messaged a girl I know in RL who the website kept matching me with. Even though we get on alright when we talk in person, she didn't bother to reply, not even to say I'm not her type. Now it feels pretty awkward when I see her and I feel guilty for messaging her.

I can't even really begin to say how depressing it is to spend every week working for lofty academic goals and knowing that actually I just want someone nice I can hold hands with more than anything.

Similarly, I'm so sick of women complimenting me, but it meaning absolutely nothing. I've been told I'm "fit", "handsome", "cute", "funny" (that's a really common one, I'm not sure how I feel about it...) and I've even had overtly sexual comments passed my way recently. But those comments actually make me feel like crap, because I cannot for the life of me just have a single freaking coffee date or something with a girl I find attractive.

Being told you're appealing when every experience screams the opposite is really disconcerting.

I'm sorry if this was a bit ranty, I'm just pissed off with the whole stupid "game" dating seems to be. Everyone always says how fun it is, I find it just crushes my self esteem...

 

[Tealeaf]

I'm sorry, dude. Your anger is perfectly understandable when you've been getting getting a little steamy with someone to find there's already a boyfriend. For every guy who gets off on putting his hands on random girls or someone else's girl, there's (at least) one who just wants a regular relationship without any complications.

I can't even get flirting or a little cuddling without people transforming from polite to pushy, so it's a desert here, too.

 

[Erevetot]

I can't even really begin to say how depressing it is to spend every week working for lofty academic goals and knowing that actually I just want someone nice I can hold hands with more than anything.

Being told you're appealing when every experience screams the opposite is really disconcerting.

I can relate to a certain degree. While I'm not actively looking for a relationship anymore, I completely understand the feeling of needing someone to love.
And while im not getting that many compliments, i know how it can suck when someone that you may be interested in tells you how great you are etc but have nothing

Just try to transform these compliments to a "self esteem booster" and use them to feel better. If girls find you attractive etc, there is gonna be at least one soon, that will get attracted to you, and get to know you better etc, and be together


Now, what happened with the girl sucks. It was a douche move in her part to give you hope etc while she has a boyfriend. But if anything, he is the one "losing" in this case. While you may got a bit heartbroken, at least you saved yourself from a lot more trouble, like actually getting something stronger going on and THEN learning she has a bf.

I sadly dont have any advices, other than keep looking forward and dont give up
As i said, since girls seem to like you, its a matter of time until the one that likes LIKES you comes

 

[EveWasFramed]

The girl was an ass. Sorry, but even if she's just an affectionate person, she went way too far, considering she has a significant other.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Now, what happened with the girl sucks. It was a douche move in her part to give you hope etc while she has a boyfriend. But if anything, he is the one "losing" in this case. While you may got a bit heartbroken, at least you saved yourself from a lot more trouble, like actually getting something stronger going on and THEN learning she has a bf.

Very true. Thank you for the advice ^^

The girl was an ass. Sorry, but even if she's just an affectionate person, she went way too far, considering she has a significant other.

Thanks Eve. Yeah, I don't understand it TBH...

-

Life continues.

The most recent bizarre rejection came on a group club evening out. I had this pretty girl come over out of the blue, start dancing with me, start snuggling up to me, and then after 3 songs she just said:

"I like your friend." and then went off randomly to snog him after ignoring him completely previously to that.

I don't think he even liked her since he brushed her off and she left!

I must have spent a good...5 years wishing I could kiss someone like that, just to know what it's like. But to my friend that's something that he gets literally every night out, without even having to say or do anything XD

It was more funny than anything, I just find it weird that girls actively hunt me out to reject me and make me feel unwanted. I have a unique skill I guess

 

[TheRealCallie]

I've told you this before, but I'll say it again. You're a good looking guy that has A LOT to offer a girl. If these girls don't want to go out if you, it's THEIR loss, not yours. Keep your head up and keep trying. One day (probably soon) you will find someone that can appreciate you for all that you are worth (which is a lot).