What do you make of it?

[Lone-Lily]

[size=medium][font=Arial, sans-serif]Hello everyone, I am new to the forum and looking for other people's perspective on this situation. 
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[size=medium][font=Arial, sans-serif]We have worked together in the same office for last 3 years and have known each other quite well as colleagues. Both 30+. He has always come across as a nice and kind person. One day, without me intentionally trying to do so, embarrassingly my facial expressions dropped the hint that I had a crush on him. A few days later he started flirting with me. He would look for silly excuses to see me and did cute little things to be around me. There were many things he did which made it obvious that he was showing interest. It went on for 2-3 months like that. I developed quite a liking for this guy over this time. I felt like he tried to talk to me a few times but since it was a workplace and there were limited opportunities for a talk like this one, it didn't really happen. But we were both in it and we both knew it. One day i just gave him a chance to say it and simply said, ' I guess there is something we need to talk about'. He said that he didn't think there was anything to talk about. I was quite surprised to hear this. But I guess there could be many reasons why he said that. He may have been conscious because he feared someone at the office might overhear. Or may be I caught him off guard. Whatever may be the reason, the conversation didn't flow and seemed a bit awky. I got a bit annoyed and ended the conversation by saying "All right then" in an annoyed tone. It sounded a bit like I was 'breaking up' LOL. What happened afterwards got me wondering and questioning. He simply disappeared from my sight. He started working on the other side of the office and came earlier or later than normal so he wouldn't bump into me. For 2 weeks, I didn't see him at all or only caught a glimpse from the other side. I wonder why he didn't bother mending things and just disappeared. Then today I saw him at the staff Christmas party which also happened to be my last day at this site as i am moving to another site with a likely possibility that we may never work together again. I did not want to leave at a sour note so I acted very normal. I smiled at him and had a friendly chat with him and another colleague. He also acted normal and friendly. But after that conversation, he started stealing glances at me again just like before. I am confused. Is he serious about me or just having a good time while he can? Of course it is possible that he was very embarrassed about not owning it up during our conversation and seeing me normal eased him. But I am also thinking that if he really had any love interest he would have made an effort to mend things and wouldn't have let me just go. Am I wrong in thinking this way? 
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[Paraiyar]

The only way to know is to ask...

 

[DarkSelene]

The only way to know is to ask...

This. Also, it seems like the whole vibe is simply flirty. If he didn't feel prepared to tell you for whatever reason (if there was something to tell), your annoyed reaction should've made you go mend things and not let him go... A lot of times people don't get signals, I usually see that happening with men more, but, even I can only know that someone likes me if they punch me in the face with the truth about their feelings. He could've gotten the wrong message, he could've felt discouraged, he could've moved to the other side of the office out of respect thinking that he offended you somehow. This is a bunch of assumptions and you can think of a million of those... the one thing there's to do is ask.

 

[Skyless]

By your description and his actions I would say its likley you didn't misread his interest, but I wonder what the tone, inflection and body language of the "I guess there is something we need to talk about" was when you said it. I'll be honest, written out in text and with an office environment that sounds like something you might hear from an HR rep or boss before some kind of hysterics rather than someone trying to move an interaction from office flirting to say coffee after work or something like that. So that would be my guess as to the rapid defensive statement. Alternatively maybe he just wasn't ready to pin that kind of thing down especially with work risks etc.

However, what I can say with more confidence is, that the likley reason he was clearly avoiding you was the annoyed "All right then". That might as well have been "go away" so don't be surprised that he warmed back up to you only after you made the friendly overture at the party. There really isn't many sensible men in their thirties that would chase someone around after an annoyed or hostile reaction, even if they where interested, so I suppose your expectation that he would do that looks a bit puzzling to me, but I do see where you are coming from with the questions you ask and your description.

But like the others above say, the only way you would know for sure is to ask I know that sucks

 

[bleed_the_freak]

He may be very scared and/or cautious about "workplace romance" and rightfully so. That is a line I would never cross. My livelihood is far too important to me to ever entertain romantic interests in the office. Believe me, I've had opportunities.

It sounds like he is attracted to you but was shocked that you "went there" and wanted to "talk" about it. He might have heard alarm bells in his mind screaming "sexual harassment lawsuit!"

Since you are leaving, what do you have to lose? Approach him and express your feelings.

The only thing I wonder is if this guy has something to hide? He isn't married or seriously involved otherwise, is he?

 

[Lone-Lily]

Thanks for the replies. Your replies are helping me to keep thinking positively. The only way I could ask now is by calling him or emailing him as I have already left. But before leaving I did say to him to stay in touch. He has my contact details. He is definitely not married.

 

[Tiina63]

Now that you are no longer working together, you could email him and see how he responds. This might be easier for you than phoning him.

 

[Lone-Lily]

After reflecting on things, I think the analysis Skyless did seems right. It is also quite likely that he may get in touch with me sooner or later. Or I might do so. Either way, there is one more issue that I need to resolve. I have a 10 year old daughter and he does not know. How and when do I tell him about this?

 

[MisterLonely]

After reflecting on things, I think the analysis Skyless did seems right. It is also quite likely that he may get in touch with me sooner or later. Or I might do so. Either way, there is one more issue that I need to resolve. I have a 10 year old daughter and he does not know. How and when do I tell him about this?

When or if he get's in contact with you and you set up a date, no need to tell him if it's just textingand nothingmore, I would tell him at the end of the first date if it goes well that way he already had the chance to see what can be, and it realy is up to him wether you having a kid is a problem or not, don't tell too early though, if the date is only going so-so wait for the second date if that comes.

Thing is you obviously need to be open about this, but that doesn't meen you should potentially scare him off by telling him to soon, it's not that he might not want a kid, it could also be that he starts thinking "why is she telling me this now, I'm not sure where this is going yet, does she already see us together?" you know fear of commitment.

 

[roy1986]

You guys have nothing to loose now that you will no longer be colleagues, how about approaching him and bringing it up?

 

[Skyless]

After reflecting on things, I think the analysis Skyless did seems right. It is also quite likely that he may get in touch with me sooner or later. Or I might do so. Either way, there is one more issue that I need to resolve. I have a 10 year old daughter and he does not know. How and when do I tell him about this?

Hiya Lily,

Well if you do end up wanting to throw a catalyst into your interaction with this guy and you find that very hard to do (and I'm sure the results of your last attempt at being a little less passive did not help with that confidence), you could try a two step very softball approach. 

1. Send him just a quick completely neutral email: how are things going since I left, how are you, how's my replacement, how is whatever we normally talked about at work blah blah etc. Something along those lines This will do a number of things. One it gets you back into his thoughts, two, it lets you gauge his reception and mood in his response, three, it gives him an opportunity to set up a meeting with you if he feels you might be open to it, four it's a good jumping off point for step 2 and may make it a bit easier for you.

2. If his response is warm/enthusiastic receptive etc. Suggest a meet-up to catch up for coffee after work or I suppose if you have a little girl it might be easier to meet for lunch with a specific date/time(s). Either way, something casual. Note, I am assuming you moved to a different work location in the same city and not across the country

If you get anything besides yes or yes but need to reschedule to this specific (not infinitely open ended) date, he's not interested and you can move on. But if you got this far, you haven't put a ton of pressure on him or yourself and you are out on something that can be a friend meet-up or date however you two want to play it.

In terms of letting him know that you have a daughter, well the truth is he is either going to be cool with it or not. No amount of strategy or clever word placement or date chronology is going to change that part. Waiting too long is not good however, one of my friends recently had a guy wait until the third date to let her know about his son and she felt pretty deceived. It's not like the name of a third cousin, it's a pretty big part of your life, don't feel the need to hide it. 

How to bring it up, well numerous opportunities: talking about your schedule, talking about past relationships (not ideal), what you do at home, the kinds of activities you do that involve your daughter etc. I would guess it would be tougher to describe your life and days without your daughter being relevant to mention rather than the reverse honestly.

Hope that has at least some usable points for you Lily have a merry Christmas and good luck

 

[Lone-Lily]

Thanks everyone. It is so good that I found you guys. Where were you all this time? LOL
Seriously, I am greatful for all your advice. I don't feel lost and feel like I can have some degree of control over things. So thank you all.

 

[roy1986]

Thanks everyone. It is so good that I found you guys. Where were you all this time? LOL
Seriously, I am greatful for all your advice. I don't feel lost and feel like I can have some degree of control over things. So thank you all.

that's great Lily and never forget that sometimes when we let our ego down a bit, we might reach to something great, if he is too shy to make the first step then you should make it and he will follow if he wishes to.

I know that some women tend to be a bit shy to take actions because it's usually a man role, but 
some men just need to get a knock in the head until they understand what's going on.

I remember when I was a bit younger.. , The only woman I ever loved was extremely frustrated with me, I was very insecure guy(guess also nowadays but back then much more) so I didn't believe she liked me in that way, 1 day she got furious with me and said "I don't want to be your friend" and hang up the phone without waiting for a reply. - 
Long story short, I told her the truth about how I feel about her and she felt the same way, After then we were together for like 18 months.

who knows... maybe it's what going to happen to you if you just say something clear to the guy, yet I do hope that it will last longer for you  .

Good Luck and Merry Christmas

 

[Skyless]

Thanks everyone. It is so good that I found you guys. Where were you all this time? LOL
Seriously, I am greatful for all your advice. I don't feel lost and feel like I can have some degree of control over things. So thank you all.

You always had it Lily

Stay positive and try not to ruminate on this too much, it will be as it will be
Don't forget to enjoy yourself too as you are planning this great man heist of 2017  haha 

Remember this stuff is supposed to be fun, meeting of minds and humour and new ideas, healthy sexual tension and growing bonds, don't think of it as some stressful job or it will turn into one hehe

Wishing you the best of luck Lily