What does "I love you" mean?

[Montreal Skye]

What's your definition of "I love you"?

A friend of mine recently got rejected from the person she loved dearly. He told her "I love you", but it seems that it meant "I love you as long as you're in a good mood". She's very confused because he flat out stopped communication. She was very upfront and honest with him about all of her issues, yet he seems to remember them selectively. She sent him a break-up message in order to shield herself from the inevitable because his last communication was the old "we both need to think about things" line. I could say the typical things "you're better off" or "chin up" etc...but she really put her heart and spirit into loving this man and is completely devastated by his rejection. I'm not sure how to help her through this, she's been rejected her whole life and took a big risk by putting her trust in this man who seems to only want the idealized version of her. Any thoughts?

 

[bodeilla]

Well the definition of "I love you" depends on the situation. It could be lust. So someone says the love word as long as they're getting sex. It could be insecurity. Someone says it as long as or to keep getting attention.

It could actually develop from a friendship and be truly secure and well founded. Yet young.

It could be routine as in married couples. "Oh yea, we're together. Yea honey, I love you." Could be love, could be obligation or it could be a lie.

Could be we're together through thick and thin. The romance is gone but we've got a relationship here. We're got an institution.

Those are my definitions of love. I think maybe your friend might have been in the lust and attention phases with her friend. Not any true connection there.

Bo

 

[Sci-Fi]

Without knowing his side of things and what is going on in his life it's hard to say. There could be a very good reason why he's locking her out. Typically most guys will shut down and not want to discuss what might be bothering them. That or he just said "I love you" to get in her pants. Some guys do that too.

 

[Tealeaf]

Common definitions seem to be:
"I want in your pants."
"I can't do better than you, so please stay with me."
"You're entertaining or distract me from my problems."

With the qualifiers:
"... but I don't want to commit."
"... but I don't want this if I'll have to put in work."
"... but I don't want this if I can't be the most important person at all times."

I've never experienced mutual romantic love as I define it, with someone's safety, happiness, and health being a precious thing. It's always taken a back seat to something more base, such as sex, control, etc. Maybe the love of friends, which I've based my knowledge of love on, is just inexplicably better than the love of a mate, though. I've seen very little to convince me that it isn't true.

 

[Veilside05]

it can mean hell lots of thing. but from what you mentioned, i am guessing maybe the guy wants some time to think stuffs through?

 

[blackdot]

it's one of those things I don't ever hear said

 

[Montreal Skye]

I realize nothing is unconditional, in my opinion, it's the silence and dismissal that makes it all worse. It's such a shame to see this happen to her because she thought she finally found her soul mate and from what she's said, it seemed to come out of the blue. They really got to know each other and started to plan a future too. They seemed to be so compatible and genuine with each other too. I know she was ready to start a life with him, but his pushing her away left her completely confused and saddened.

 

[kamya]

It means different things coming from different people.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I think you should just go and see this man in person, there is so much confusion and ambiguity that comes with long distance relationships that often melt away with a face to face conversation.

 

[Montreal Skye]

I think you should just go and see this man in person, there is so much confusion and ambiguity that comes with long distance relationships that often melt away with a face to face conversation.

In theory that would work but her (not my) last communication with him was not very inviting.

 

[Lost Drifter]

Would a phone call help more than words?

 

[Montreal Skye]

Without knowing his side of things and what is going on in his life it's hard to say. There could be a very good reason why he's locking her out. Typically most guys will shut down and not want to discuss what might be bothering them. That or he just said "I love you" to get in her pants. Some guys do that too.

I don't think that's the case, they were good friends before the "in your pants" aspect even came up. He's definitely shut down though.

I think maybe your friend might have been in the lust and attention phases with her friend. Not any true connection there.

Bo

I can't speak for him Bo, but she thought there was a true connection and definitely past the lust and attention phase. She's not a person with much experience and actually went through the "lust" part after the I love you's.

---

Would a phone call help more than words?

Thanks LD. Probably, but she was left hanging and probably too afraid to call, to risk more rejection.

 

[putter65]

it's one of those things I don't ever hear said

I have never said it or had anybody say it to me.

(Well my Mam said it once to me I think !)

 

[Montreal Skye]

I know she tried to contact him and whatever response (if any) she gets, she said that she'd at least know how to deal with things. She's a good person, and I know she'll find someone who appreciates her and loves her for who she is, even if the guy in question doesn't. Talking about it really helps to gain perspective and slightly disassociate from the heartache.

As for the original question, "what does I love you" mean? I guess I never answered that myself. Despite hardships, I still believe in love. I think it's the most important thing we can feel, and if I say "I love you" to someone, I mean it with my entire being. And it's not just lust and passion, it's romance, affection, respect, appreciation and acceptance, through good and bad. Not that I'm into marriage at all, but I guess my definition of "I love you" is a vow in a way, a promise to care for, love, spend time with, never take for granted, and validate the other person's feelings. It's a shame the "I love you's" seem to be thrown out there so flippantly for some people, and I feel bad for those who've said they never heard it said to them before.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

it's one of those things I don't ever hear said

I LOVE YOU BLACKDOT!!!

/you heard it.

I LOVE YOU PUTTER65!!!

/not yer Mam

(have hope that someday you will hear it and know it to be true. And it will happen to you. Love is always looking for itself)

And sometimes, to the OP, "I love you" are just words. Often people prefer that these words be followed up by some kind of behaviour that reflects the sentiment.

 

[Montreal Skye]

And sometimes, to the OP, "I love you" are just words. Often people prefer that these words be followed up by some kind of behaviour that reflects the sentiment.

I agree they are just words if there is no follow up. I know in this case, there was a lot of effort made on both their parts to show that the love was real and not just words.

 

[Montreal Skye]

I've never experienced mutual romantic love as I define it, with someone's safety, happiness, and health being a precious thing. It's always taken a back seat to something more base, such as sex, control, etc. Maybe the love of friends, which I've based my knowledge of love on, is just inexplicably better than the love of a mate, though. I've seen very little to convince me that it isn't true.

I think you're right in that sense, having a loving friendship first is crucial to building a lasting romance. I think that's very important. Maybe if your mate was your friend first, that could convince you?

---

it can mean hell lots of thing. but from what you mentioned, i am guessing maybe the guy wants some time to think stuffs through?

I think in her case, he did say something along those lines - but I know she's baffled as to what exactly this "stuff" is he needs to think through because, and I'm subjective since she's my friend, she didn't do a thing wrong. I guess it depends on a person's perspective too. Personally, I'm the type who needs to communicate, I know some are the types who prefer to withdraw. There's a fundamental difference there that is a recipe for lots of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. I always think that communication is the best avenue, why hide away and make the other person feel bad? It's okay to say I need to think about things, but to just leave a person hanging in wait isn't fair really. Her relationship is online so she doesn't have the luxury of being with him in person and knowing he's coming back to talk with her. Right now, she has no clue what's going on with him and why he's withdrawn so surprisingly randomly, when just that same day he was professing his love for her. The only thing she knows is that she brought up the ex and then he basically stopped the healthy communication.

 

[IgnoredOne]

means 'buy me shoes'

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Unconditional love, ture love......


You mentoned your friends have ISSUES???
That can be anything.
So if your friend isnt working or trying to work on her own issues. It's extra baggages
she's carrying into the relationship....

Everyone have a breaking piont. Maybe your friend's ex reach that breaking piont?
A person will simply go into servival mode once they reach that piont.

The relationship I have with Renae hasnt been easy.
A hollywood skit is pailed in comparison to our real life and experinces sometimes.
I do love her very very much. She loves me too.
This is our sixth attemp of trying to make it work,
Obviously there's alot of love we have for each other.

There stuff like what we did this weekend....that's over the tops sometimes.lol
We're know as the "couple" to a certain bar.
Bascailly when my honey gets drunk....she gets a bit out of control sometimes.
It's like a crapshoot. Ya never know what you're gonna get.
But she only expresses her love towards me...As long as Im around.I can pretty
much handle her...She'll bascailly will dance around me....very, very sexaul in nature.

The freaken entire bar full of people are bascailly watching and stairing at
us with thier jaws drop.lmao
Becuase we're the only couple on the dance floor....
She's very passionate.She's bascailly all over me and it looks very very dirty.
The thing of it is....She was a professional dancer and model.
She dosnt reveal anything....She puts on a very good show or act.

It was too much for some people. Very contraversal (imagain that.lmao)
The thing of it is....I an asain male. She's cucasian.
We're dancing in a bar full of redheck.hahahahaaaaaaaaa

what can I say...I love my woman. She loves me.
We were in a bar...not sunday school.FFS
We were bonding...lol

I drove 1500 miles again to be with her. This is the third time I drove across the country to be with her.
I dont **** around....I love her.

Renae isnt always in a good mood. She's gone off on me serveral times since we reconciled.
She catches herself more and more. She's trying.
At the sametime...I must remain positive. Be strong.
I also catch myself more and more not to react/over react when she feels bad or angery.
Ive also hurted Renae in the past. She had forgiven me...but when she's upset...she'll bring it back up from time to time.
She hurted me just the same......
We wish not to fight nor live in the past. We both catch ourselve more and more.
To live in the moment. Love one another. Help each other

 

[putter65]

it's one of those things I don't ever hear said

I LOVE YOU BLACKDOT!!!

/you heard it.

I LOVE YOU PUTTER65!!!

/not yer Mam

(have hope that someday you will hear it and know it to be true. And it will happen to you. Love is always looking for itself)

And sometimes, to the OP, "I love you" are just words. Often people prefer that these words be followed up by some kind of behaviour that reflects the sentiment.

lol - thanks