What Men Say versus What I Actually Hear

[cheaptrickfan]

Communication mishaps between men and women make for 30 minutes of non-stop hilarity in a sitcom, but spell aggravation in real life. Being the helping, thoughtful type, I thought I'd write down my cynical translation of some of the more memorable stuff I've been the proud recipient of.

And yes men, I know that women use lines and doublespeak and outright lies too. I am also aware that when some of you say these things, you may actually mean the words that you say. I'm telling you what it is that I hear when you say them.

Perhaps you out there reading this right now are "not like the others" and these translations don't apply to you. Congratulations on that. Here's your cookie:

1. What you say:
I'm not like all the other guys you've dated.

What I hear:
I am exactly like all the other guys you've dated.



2. What you say:
Hey, could you give me your number again? I must have lost it or something.

What I hear:
I deleted your number after I started banging this really hot chick, but as it turned out, that went nowhere so I'm back to you because I know you're still available. *big grin*



3. What you say:
I'm looking for a non-traditional relationship which transcends normal thinking about what really constitutes a relationship. I mean, a relationship is what we make it, whether we get married, just live together or maintain separate households and meet whenever we want. Forget societal norms. Let's make our own!

What I hear:
I'd basically like to have you around to screw, and that's about all I'm willing to put into it. Yeah. That's it. You know, like in that John Cougar song:

"I need a lover that won't drive me crazy, Some girl who'll thrill me and then go away, I need a lover that won't drive me crazy. Some girl that knows the meaning of ah- Hey hit the highway!"



4. What you say:
You're not meeting my emotional needs. (Yes, a man really said that to me.)

What I hear:
I am a selfish jerk who doesn't even realize that you and this relationship also have needs which need attending.

or:

I might be gay.*

*I added this not because I am a conceited ***** who thinks that if a guy doesn't like her he must be gay, but because at times I seem to be the last stop on the train before gayville. A few of the guys I dated ended up coming out of the closet not long after we were together.

Even though I know you can't "make someone gay," I gotta tell you, it doesn't build confidence.



5. What you say:
It's not you, obviously, you're beautiful, intelligent, sexy. It's me. I don't know what's wrong with me.

What I hear:
Now that we've finally "gone out" a few times, it's not what I thought it would be, so I'm looking for greener pastures. But I don't want to leave things with you on bad terms in case things with hotter chicks don't turn out as I'd hope. You know, I'd like to keep you as a backup plan.

or:

I might be gay.



6. What you say:
You have the smart-sexy thing going on.

What I hear:
Yeah, you're geeky, but I'd still do you. *shrug*



In response to "Do these pants make my *** look big?"**

7. What you say:
But baby, you know I love a girl with some junk in her trunk!

What I hear:
Damn, is your *** big!

**If you don't get that the only correct answer to that question is "No! Those pants make your *** look fantastic!" then I can't help you.



8. What you say:
I don't really watch much ****.

What I hear:
I have a Big Box o' **** on the top shelf of my closet hidden under three wool blankets. I even have a mixed tape of my favorite scenes.



9. What you say:
Oh yeah! You'll definitely be hearing from me again!

What I hear:
I'm deleting your number from my cell phone as soon as I get back into my car and drive a safe distance down the road.



10. What you say:
Well that was fun, and I definitely want to see you again, but you know, my work and visitation schedules are really going to be crazy over the next few weeks, but I'll get back to you soon. Promise!

What I hear:
You'll probably never hear from me again.




11. What you say:
I'm not looking for just a FuckBuddy. I really want a woman I can date long-term and see where it goes. Basically, I'm looking for my best friend.

What I hear:
I really am just looking for someone to ****, but I figured that this curveball answer would be the quickest way to bag some nice chick and weed out the skanks.



12. What you say:
Can we stay "just friends?"

What I hear:
Who knows? Maybe you'll be able to stomach the thought of speaking to me again without wanting to hurl a cut-glass candy dish at my head.



13. What you say:
I don't really know what I want.

What I hear:
I don't really know what I want, but I'm pretty sure it isn't you.



14. What you say:
I need some time to get my head back on straight. To... regroup. You know, a "break." A mini-vacation. We could... see other people, even.

What I hear:
I must have had my head screwed on backward to get involved with you. That "some time" will stretch out into an infinity as you wait by the phone for my call, honey because I'm already banging some chick from work.



15. What you say:
My feelings for you are just too intense, and... I just couldn't handle it.

What I hear:
********* alarms going off like a meltdown at a nuclear power plant*

No, really. Are you kidding me with that line?



16. What you say:
You're (too/so) intense:

What I hear:
You scare me.

or

You need your meds adjusted.



17. What you say:
You're unlike any other woman I've ever met.

What I hear:
You might just be perfect for me; then again you might be certifiably insane and in need of a meds adjustment.

or:

You scare the ever-loving **** outta me.


18. What you say:
God, you're a funny girl!

What I hear:
Let me use my superior humor (I'm a funny guy, myself) and see if I can laugh my way into your pants.




Yeah ok. I may have trust issues.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Roflmao....

what woman say...

" yeah okay. I may have trust issues"

What I hear...

"****..I need to make an appiontment becuase I ran out of my god damn meds"

or
" F U dude.... I don't do head jobs on the first date"

or
"you're totally gay dude"

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Roflmao....

what woman say...

" yeah okay. I may have trust issues"

What I hear...

"****..I need to make an appiontment becuase I ran out of my god damn meds"

or
" F U dude.... I don't do head jobs on the first date"

or
"you're totally gay dude"

Oh, snap!

LMAO

Thanks for playing. ;-)

 

[Lonesome Crow]

what women say...

"thanks for playing "


What I hear...

" U totally strike out"

or

"if you're not gaY....U ought to consider it"

or

"**** off...go play with yourself. Here...take this fucken cookie with U"

or
" wow...meds are awesume, don't leave home without them"

------------------------------------

Am right or am I right ?

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Actually what I meant by "Thanks for playing," was "Thanks for commenting."

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Actually what I meant by "Thanks for playing," was "Thanks for commenting."

Errrr?!?... Now you're confusing me
Say what you mean...ffs.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Say what you mean...ffs.

I think that right there nails the problem.

Men and women speak different languages.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Say what you mean...ffs.

I think that right there nails the problem.

Men and women speak different languages.

Okay say what you feel then...it might help me understand

 

[SophiaGrace]

wow this post was cynical O_O but FUN to read

 

[Jesse]

1. What you say:
I'm not like all the other guys you've dated.

What I hear:
I am exactly like all the other guys you've dated.

Stop dating guys, date a man.

2. What you say:
Hey, could you give me your number again? I must have lost it or something.

What I hear:
I deleted your number after I started banging this really hot chick, but as it turned out, that went nowhere so I'm back to you because I know you're still available. *big grin*

I deleted your number because I didn't think you were interested in me anyway. Now that you've called or texted me after 2 months I think for a second you may have changed your mind and I give it another shot.

3. What you say:
I'm looking for a non-traditional relationship which transcends normal thinking about what really constitutes a relationship. I mean, a relationship is what we make it, whether we get married, just live together or maintain separate households and meet whenever we want. Forget societal norms. Let's make our own!

What I hear:
I'd basically like to have you around to screw, and that's about all I'm willing to put into it. Yeah. That's it. You know, like in that John Cougar song:

"I need a lover that won't drive me crazy, Some girl who'll thrill me and then go away, I need a lover that won't drive me crazy. Some girl that knows the meaning of ah- Hey hit the highway!"

Ideally I'd like to have a real relationship with someone, but if all I can get from you is ***, well let's just say I have needs too. I can't find either one of those things though.

4. What you say:
You're not meeting my emotional needs. (Yes, a man really said that to me.)

What I hear:
I am a selfish jerk who doesn't even realize that you and this relationship also have needs which need attending.

or:

I might be gay.*

*I added this not because I am a conceited ***** who thinks that if a guy doesn't like her he must be gay, but because at times I seem to be the last stop on the train before gayville. A few of the guys I dated ended up coming out of the closet not long after we were together.

Even though I know you can't "make someone gay," I gotta tell you, it doesn't build confidence.

I'm not gay, but if I were attracted to men sexually I totally would be. My family thinks I'm gay just because I've not had a girlfriend and after years of trying to convince them I've just been unsuccessful. I've pretty much given up on that. As for my emotional needs- well as long as I feel loved that's about all I need.

5. What you say:
It's not you, obviously, you're beautiful, intelligent, sexy. It's me. I don't know what's wrong with me.

What I hear:
Now that we've finally "gone out" a few times, it's not what I thought it would be, so I'm looking for greener pastures. But I don't want to leave things with you on bad terms in case things with hotter chicks don't turn out as I'd hope. You know, I'd like to keep you as a backup plan.

or:

I might be gay.

I think that's true whether you're a male or a female.

6. What you say:
You have the smart-sexy thing going on.

What I hear:
Yeah, you're geeky, but I'd still do you. *shrug*

I'd probably never say that because as a "nice guy" I'm too afraid to express anything sexual. I do love geeky ladies though.

In response to "Do these pants make my *** look big?"**

7. What you say:
But baby, you know I love a girl with some junk in her trunk!

What I hear:
Damn, is your *** big!

**If you don't get that the only correct answer to that question is "No! Those pants make your *** look fantastic!" then I can't help you.

No, those pants make your *** look fantastic.

8. What you say:
I don't really watch much ****.

What I hear:
I have a Big Box o' **** on the top shelf of my closet hidden under three wool blankets. I even have a mixed tape of my favorite scenes.

Of course I watch ****. I'm not getting anything from anybody else. Might as well pretend. A big box o' **** is too old-school though. These days we stick with those free-youtube-type **** sites.

9. What you say:
Oh yeah! You'll definitely be hearing from me again!

What I hear:
I'm deleting your number from my cell phone as soon as I get back into my car and drive a safe distance down the road.

I probably wouldn't say that. It'd be more like "Hope to talk to you soon" and I'd definately mean that if I said it.

10. What you say:
Well that was fun, and I definitely want to see you again, but you know, my work and visitation schedules are really going to be crazy over the next few weeks, but I'll get back to you soon. Promise!

What I hear:
You'll probably never hear from me again.

I wouldn't word it that way. Saying I definately want to see you again would make a girl think I like them as possibly more than a friend which might include sexual interest. I'm too afraid to express that.


11. What you say:
I'm not looking for just a FuckBuddy. I really want a woman I can date long-term and see where it goes. Basically, I'm looking for my best friend.

What I hear:
I really am just looking for someone to ****, but I figured that this curveball answer would be the quickest way to bag some nice chick and weed out the skanks.

Again, too afraid to make a move, so you wouldn't have to worry about that. Also, again, I'd rather have a real relationship, but if someone were to make the moves on me I'd probably go along with it.

12. What you say:
Can we stay "just friends?"

What I hear:
Who knows? Maybe you'll be able to stomach the thought of speaking to me again without wanting to hurl a cut-glass candy dish at my head.

Maybe you'll be able to stomach the thought of speaking to me again? That's pretty much what goes through my head while thinking of any woman. Hopefully they won't be so disgusted by me that they'll at least talk to me from time to time.

13. What you say:
I don't really know what I want.

What I hear:
I don't really know what I want, but I'm pretty sure it isn't you.

I know exactly what I want, but I'm too afraid to tell you or I don't know how.

14. What you say:
I need some time to get my head back on straight. To... regroup. You know, a "break." A mini-vacation. We could... see other people, even.

What I hear:
I must have had my head screwed on backward to get involved with you. That "some time" will stretch out into an infinity as you wait by the phone for my call, honey because I'm already banging some chick from work.

I wouldn't have gotten to this point unless I liked you and if I knew you liked me too then I wouldn't be going anywhere.

15. What you say:
My feelings for you are just too intense, and... I just couldn't handle it.

What I hear:
********* alarms going off like a meltdown at a nuclear power plant*

No, really. Are you kidding me with that line?

Definately ********.

16. What you say:
You're (too/so) intense:

What I hear:
You scare me.

or

You need your meds adjusted.

I love intensity because I can be an intense person myself.

17. What you say:
You're unlike any other woman I've ever met.

What I hear:
You might just be perfect for me; then again you might be certifiably insane and in need of a meds adjustment.

or:

You scare the ever-loving **** outta me.

Hmn, yeah could mean anything.

18. What you say:
God, you're a funny girl!

What I hear:
Let me use my superior humor (I'm a funny guy, myself) and see if I can laugh my way into your pants.

I probably wouldn't tell you you're funny, I'd just laugh all the time because you were and if I was laughing I think you'd get the idea that I thought you were funny. Getting into your pants? I'm too scared to touch a woman at all.

 

[Zak]

Okay I'm a a bit offended by this thread. Anyway I will tell you what all I used to say about myself and probably I would have told people here too.

I am a freaking jerk who flirt with infinite number of girls both in real life and online but never really got into any relationship because most of these infinite number of girls I met will end-up having *** with either of my friends and that's not it. The next day she will be with another friend of mine. (Yeah most of my freinds are ******* swingers.) Girls love me as a best friend and they share almost everything with me, even sexual stuff but refuse to get into a relationship (well I really don't want to be after I realize the girl has fallen for any of my jerk freinds) with me cos I deny being in bed with them? Oh yeah that makes me gay? Thats great!! The Thing is *** before marriage is banned in this country and still people do it and I really don't wanna lose my virginity to any ******* whores. I could really tell them this on face but I don't. I am not interested in **** because I owned a cd shop when I was 17-18 and have owned and watched about like more than 400 cds of different kinds of **** and have ****** off to most of it. So I really am fed-up with stupid **** films.... and I have a **** amount of ADD that I am now not able to reply to all of your questions cos I am being distracted too much and also getting bored of replying. Will reply once I regain any interest in replying to the thread.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Okay I'm a a bit offended by this thread. Anyway I will tell you what all I used to say about myself and probably I would have told people here too.

I am a freaking jerk who flirt with infinite number of girls both in real life and online but never really got into any relationship because most of these infinite number of girls I met will end-up having *** with either of my friends and that's not it. The next day she will be with another friend of mine. (Yeah most of my freinds are ******* swingers.) Girls love me as a best friend and they share almost everything with me, even sexual stuff but refuse to get into a relationship (well I really don't want to be after I realize the girl has fallen for any of my jerk freinds) with me cos I deny being in bed with them? Oh yeah that makes me gay? Thats great!! The Thing is *** before marriage is banned in this country and still people do it and I really don't wanna lose my virginity to any ******* whores. I could really tell them this on face but I don't. I am not interested in **** because I owned a cd shop when I was 17-18 and have owned and watched about like more than 400 cds of different kinds of **** and have ****** off to most of it. So I really am fed-up with stupid **** films.... and I have a **** amount of ADD that I am now not able to reply to all of your questions cos I am being distracted too much and also getting bored of replying. Will reply once I regain any interest in replying to the thread.

FFS..it was a joke.
I don't think she was asking for an answer or any answers.lol

Bside..you're a dude. So whatever answers you give her, she'll have her own inturputations..lmao
Her inturpuation may veri depending her meds level, how many fucken cookies she baked, the numbers of gay guys rejected her that day
and most important...the lunar cycle in relations to the earth's orbit to the sun.
(btw that's suppose to be a joke too, in the context of the thread.)

Have a cookie..

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Okay I'm a a bit offended by this thread. Anyway I will tell you what all I used to say about myself and probably I would have told people here too.

I am a freaking jerk who flirt with infinite number of girls both in real life and online but never really got into any relationship because most of these infinite number of girls I met will end-up having *** with either of my friends and that's not it. The next day she will be with another friend of mine....

etc etc etc

Relax.

You mistook the entire tone of my thread. It was written with a pen filled with sarcasm and meant to be taken with a grain of salt. After I read I don't know how many "women are *******/liars" posts I thought it was time for a turn-around.

At any rate, I stated in a pretty clear disclaimer that this was based on my own experience, judging by what I'd heard over the years. I was not making blanket assumptions about all men.

So again, chill out and have that cookie.

---

(btw that's suppose to be a joke too, in the context of the thread.)

I got the joke.

Besides you're right. I don't want answers.

---

wow this post was cynical O_O but FUN to read

Thanks. Yep. I am cynical.

---

Stop dating guys, date a man.


I deleted your number because I didn't think you were interested in me anyway. Now that you've called or texted me after 2 months I think for a second you may have changed your mind and I give it another shot.

Ideally I'd like to have a real relationship with someone, but if all I can get from you is ***, well let's just say I have needs too. I can't find either one of those things though.


I'm not gay, but if I were attracted to men sexually I totally would be. My family thinks I'm gay just because I've not had a girlfriend and after years of trying to convince them I've just been unsuccessful. I've pretty much given up on that. As for my emotional needs- well as long as I feel loved that's about all I need.


I think that's true whether you're a male or a female.


I'd probably never say that because as a "nice guy" I'm too afraid to express anything sexual. I do love geeky ladies though.


No, those pants make your *** look fantastic.


Of course I watch ****. I'm not getting anything from anybody else. Might as well pretend. A big box o' **** is too old-school though. These days we stick with those free-youtube-type **** sites.


I probably wouldn't say that. It'd be more like "Hope to talk to you soon" and I'd definately mean that if I said it.


I wouldn't word it that way. Saying I definately want to see you again would make a girl think I like them as possibly more than a friend which might include sexual interest. I'm too afraid to express that.


Again, too afraid to make a move, so you wouldn't have to worry about that. Also, again, I'd rather have a real relationship, but if someone were to make the moves on me I'd probably go along with it.


Maybe you'll be able to stomach the thought of speaking to me again? That's pretty much what goes through my head while thinking of any woman. Hopefully they won't be so disgusted by me that they'll at least talk to me from time to time.


I know exactly what I want, but I'm too afraid to tell you or I don't know how.


I wouldn't have gotten to this point unless I liked you and if I knew you liked me too then I wouldn't be going anywhere.


Definately ********.


I love intensity because I can be an intense person myself.


Hmn, yeah could mean anything.

I probably wouldn't tell you you're funny, I'd just laugh all the time because you were and if I was laughing I think you'd get the idea that I thought you were funny. Getting into your pants? I'm too scared to touch a woman at all.

These responses were interesting.

 

[Zak]

pfft. yeah yeah yeah etc etc etc. Take a chill pill instead.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

pfft. yeah yeah yeah etc etc etc. Take a chill pill instead.

I say that because you overreacted.

It was a joke.

Sure, it was cynical as hell and a bit pointy-ended, but hell, it was mostly at my expense, even. Because in the end I look like the ***** who's been played or who can't maintain a relationship.

If I were to go on a I-hate-men-I-think-they-suck rant, you'd know it. I'd be painting with a broad brush "All men lie, all men cheat" etc.

 

[Zak]

I say that because you overreacted.

It was a joke.

Sure, it was cynical as hell and a bit pointy-ended, but hell, it was mostly at my expense, even. Because in the end I look like the ***** who's been played or who can't maintain a relationship.

If I were to go on a I-hate-men-I-think-they-suck rant, you'd know it. I'd be painting with a broad brush "All men lie, all men cheat" etc.

Well sure cynical + general views of something pisses me off seriously like the whole women are ******* and bla bla bla **** in many threads here even though mostly people post those threads when they are depressed about something in life. When you posted it in a general way as if on purpose to degrade all men (it sure sounded so to me), that did piss me off pretty much more than the other threads which is why I overreacted cos it sounded as if you are welcoming an argument. Maybe I did mistook the whole thing. I apologize.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

When you posted it in a general way as if on purpose to degrade all men (it sure sounded so to me), that did piss me off pretty much more than the other threads which is why I overreacted cos it sounded as if you are welcoming an argument. Maybe I did mistook the whole thing. I apologize.

Perhaps I should have made it even clearer that I didn't mean all men. I was using specific examples from specific men, and I don't believe that I ever said that "All men say this." If anything, I meant to say, "All men who are ultimately interested in me say this."

 

[Zak]

lol 'men' itself does sound like you are referring to all men. I think it's more clear to me now. sorry

 

[cheaptrickfan]

No problem.

Besides, I've learned that it's inevitable that someone along the way will take offense no matter what you say. It's a good thing that my self-esteem isn't tied up to it.

 

[Zak]

Besides, I've learned that it's inevitable that someone along the way will take offense no matter what you say. It's a good thing that my self-esteem isn't tied up to it.

You just have to add the last line in the convo don't you? lol