What to do.........

[Hillberry]

Hi guys, I'm new to this forum but certainly not used to the lonely lifestyle! I'm a teacher, currently on holiday, and the holidays provide the loneliest time. At least when at school I'm always busy and always surrounded by people. I'm well respected and I seem to command the respect and attention of others, in fact when 'on-form' I am the centre of attention but inside I'm lonely and when I leave school I know I'm going home to my room.

My 'act' at school just papers over the cracks and reality - which is that I'm lonely and very socially anxious. When at school I constantly worry about what to say to people and constantly feel like I'm being watched - my mind is often blank.

I have friends, several, but I'd say I only really have 1 good friend - who is also a teacher. The 'friends' I go out with at weekends, I have nothing in common with and infact really annoy me. I only go out with them to escape the boredom in the hope that I'll meet a girl who will help me escape all of this. My one good friend is engaged and isn't allowed out often. I can go for days without hearing from anyone but then, no one knows my issues.

I'm 27 and over the past 6 months have become even more lonely and depressed. I'm told I'm good looking and fun but I have severe problems with neediness - this linked very much in with my social anxiety and validation seeking. I have this belief that I can't shake off that I have to be funny, witty and controversial all the time to seek approval. If I can't be that, I feel like a failure.

I've never had a proper girlfriend, just a succession of short relationships with uni-students. These always start off ok but then my neediness kicks in and I drive them away. Often these girls aren't my type anyway and I know I shouldn't be with them but they're hot and want to give me attention. I long to meet a girl around my age, who I can spend time with and who is right - not the party animal, immature students I always tend to end up with.

I thought I'd found this girl recently. Met her on a course, got her number, text her and set up a date. She was my age, single, a teacher, we shared so much in common. I knew it would go wrong though. I text her last night to confirm plans for our date and she text back saying 'she didn't think it was a good idea as she was in a mess with an ex-bf of hers and didn't want to drag others in' - she said she'd 'definately text me if things work out to rearrange'. I know she won't, and deep down I know that her story isn't true - although I still keep checking my phone. I feel she's met a better option or just isn't interested. I've had so many rejections like this it's now expected and my whole demeanor is one of negativity. It's so rare I meet girls, as my job is so restrictive, and I'm too socially anxious to chat to girls in bars I put so much emphasis on the outcome of the ones I do meet.

I have many hobbies, which at weekends particularly keep me busy, but they tend to be things I do alone. I just wished I knew what to do in order to lose this empty feeling I have, this social anxiety around anyone and this feeling of depression that I'm going to grow into a lonely, old man that, although respected in work, goes home alone. It leads me to feeling very sad and it's on occasion when I can't stump up the courage to 'act' that I feel I'm letting people down. Just wished I knew what to do to break out of this.....

 

[athwart]

Did you try an online dating site, like e-harmony? I've know people who found successful relationships on "good" dating sites that match you to people with similar interests and personalities.

 

[Hillberry]

Hi athwart. I registered for match.com back in October. Even sat down with a couple of ladies from work to make sure I did it properly. Sent out quite a few messages and had loads of profile hits but no replies and no messages. The ladies who helped me couldn't understand why but it just made me feel even more depressed. I soon cancelled my subscription.

 

[Haz]

just out of curiosity are you a high school teacher or a primary school teacher?

making connections through internet websites is a great step.... be wary of the downsides though. Mostly in the form of fake profiles fishing for credit card details, women in general being immediately mistrustful of men contacting them over the internet, and the fact that you can message many, many people and never get a reply despite the high success rates advertised. Don't let this get you down though, nothing is easy and it takes persistence.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

We live in accordance to our beliefs. Its a self fulfulling prophacy.
Change your thinking change your life.
Our thoughts drive our emotions. We act/react to our emotions.
Its faith at work. Faith is neatural. It'll work for you or against you.

In some religion such as chirstianity...we were taught to ask god to come into
our hearts. God is unlimited. No matter how big that emptiness in our hearts are..God can fill that void.
Its an idea/concept/beliefs that some people chose to live by.
I lived and believed like that for a long time..but it got too complicated or my perceptions
of life had changed so I couldnt wrap my head N heart around that belief system anymore.

Today, I practice or belive that I'm spiritaully whole,complete, and fulfilled already
As I stated...we live in accordance to our beliefs and it a self fulfilling prophacy.
I dont think Im empty..so I dont feel empty.

Faith without works is dead...simple enough.
So its me taking actions.

Perhaps you can dedicate an hour of your time each day to socialize or be around people.
It might feel uncomfortible at first becuz getting out of our routine or rut.
Just like anything in life...we all go through our learning curve. We all learn at our own pace.
In time you will adjust and improve your social skills.

For me...being in a relationship is not all about me. All of my jealousy issues, controll issues or neediness
I simply had to LET GO. My GF goes out, talk to other people as she wishes.
I dont give her a hard time and actaully tell her to have a good time.
It's healthy and brings balance into our realtionship.
This is where my current beliefs system comes into play. Im complete and whole already.
I'm not dependent on her to fill my emptiness..so when she gose out N have a good time,
I don't start a fight with her or make her feel like ****. She actually comes home to me
and rather be with me...cuz socializing all the time gets boring after a while too.

 

[Hillberry]

just out of curiosity are you a high school teacher or a primary school teacher?

making connections through internet websites is a great step.... be wary of the downsides though. Mostly in the form of fake profiles fishing for credit card details, women in general being immediately mistrustful of men contacting them over the internet, and the fact that you can message many, many people and never get a reply despite the high success rates advertised. Don't let this get you down though, nothing is easy and it takes persistence.

Primary, small one - only male teacher. Sounds great, and it is in some regards, but with regards trying to meet the right girl it's hopeless!

I might step back into it, just I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting replies and why literally hundreds of girls were clicking on my profile but not messaging me. Made me feel even more like there must be something wrong with me!

---

We live in accordance to our beliefs. Its a self fulfulling prophacy.
Change your thinking change your life.
Our thoughts drive our emotions. We act/react to our emotions.
Its faith at work. Faith is neatural. It'll work for you or against you.

In some religion such as chirstianity...we were taught to ask god to come into
our hearts. God is unlimited. No matter how big that emptiness in our hearts are..God can fill that void.
Its an idea/concept/beliefs that some people chose to live by.
I lived and believed like that for a long time..but it got too complicated or my perceptions
of life had changed so I couldnt wrap my head N heart around that belief system anymore.

Today, I practice or belive that I'm spiritaully whole,complete, and fulfilled already
As I stated...we live in accordance to our beliefs and it a self fulfilling prophacy.
I dont think Im empty..so I dont feel empty.

Faith without works is dead...simple enough.
So its me taking actions.

Perhaps you can dedicate an hour of your time each day to socialize or be around people.
It might feel uncomfortible at first becuz getting out of our routine or rut.
Just like anything in life...we all go through our learning curve. We all learn at our own pace.
In time you will adjust and improve your social skills.

For me...being in a relationship is not all about me. All of my jealousy issues, controll issues or neediness
I simply had to LET GO. My GF goes out, talk to other people as she wishes.
I dont give her a hard time and actaully tell her to have a good time.
It's healthy and brings balance into our realtionship.
This is where my current beliefs system comes into play. Im complete and whole already.
I'm not dependent on her to fill my emptiness..so when she gose out N have a good time,
I don't start a fight with her or make her feel like ****. She actually comes home to me
and rather be with me...cuz socializing all the time gets boring after a while too.

You talk a lot of sense. I've been reading the boards for a few days before registering and I must say your posts are excellent. Understand completely what your saying, it's about embedding positive beliefs. At the moment my beliefs are negative and are backed up by negative experiences. Understand what your saying about comfort zones as well - my biggest fear is just that. I'm scared of being rejected, laughed at, blown off and I've really no idea why. When I'm calm and in control, without worrying about my social anxiety I can be excellent company. Do you recommend any good articles for this?

 

[Haz]

I might step back into it, just I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting replies and why literally hundreds of girls were clicking on my profile but not messaging me. Made me feel even more like there must be something wrong with me!

It is pretty well known some dating websites manipulate data to make it appear your profile it is getting more hits than it actually is. Which is a shame, really.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

just out of curiosity are you a high school teacher or a primary school teacher?

making connections through internet websites is a great step.... be wary of the downsides though. Mostly in the form of fake profiles fishing for credit card details, women in general being immediately mistrustful of men contacting them over the internet, and the fact that you can message many, many people and never get a reply despite the high success rates advertised. Don't let this get you down though, nothing is easy and it takes persistence.

Primary, small one - only male teacher. Sounds great, and it is in some regards, but with regards trying to meet the right girl it's hopeless!

I might step back into it, just I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting replies and why literally hundreds of girls were clicking on my profile but not messaging me. Made me feel even more like there must be something wrong with me!

---

We live in accordance to our beliefs. Its a self fulfulling prophacy.
Change your thinking change your life.
Our thoughts drive our emotions. We act/react to our emotions.
Its faith at work. Faith is neatural. It'll work for you or against you.

In some religion such as chirstianity...we were taught to ask god to come into
our hearts. God is unlimited. No matter how big that emptiness in our hearts are..God can fill that void.
Its an idea/concept/beliefs that some people chose to live by.
I lived and believed like that for a long time..but it got too complicated or my perceptions
of life had changed so I couldnt wrap my head N heart around that belief system anymore.

Today, I practice or belive that I'm spiritaully whole,complete, and fulfilled already
As I stated...we live in accordance to our beliefs and it a self fulfilling prophacy.
I dont think Im empty..so I dont feel empty.

Faith without works is dead...simple enough.
So its me taking actions.

Perhaps you can dedicate an hour of your time each day to socialize or be around people.
It might feel uncomfortible at first becuz getting out of our routine or rut.
Just like anything in life...we all go through our learning curve. We all learn at our own pace.
In time you will adjust and improve your social skills.

For me...being in a relationship is not all about me. All of my jealousy issues, controll issues or neediness
I simply had to LET GO. My GF goes out, talk to other people as she wishes.
I dont give her a hard time and actaully tell her to have a good time.
It's healthy and brings balance into our realtionship.
This is where my current beliefs system comes into play. Im complete and whole already.
I'm not dependent on her to fill my emptiness..so when she gose out N have a good time,
I don't start a fight with her or make her feel like ****. She actually comes home to me
and rather be with me...cuz socializing all the time gets boring after a while too.

You talk a lot of sense. I've been reading the boards for a few days before registering and I must say your posts are excellent. Understand completely what your saying, it's about embedding positive beliefs. At the moment my beliefs are negative and are backed up by negative experiences. Understand what your saying about comfort zones as well - my biggest fear is just that. I'm scared of being rejected, laughed at, blown off and I've really no idea why. When I'm calm and in control, without worrying about my social anxiety I can be excellent company. Do you recommend any good articles for this?

---

I started attending support group meetings everyday for 90 days.
I was in a wierd phase...being around people made me want to vommit.
Graudaully I was able to talk or share in front a group of people.
Graudaully I made freinds that I could talk about of personal matters.
It's basically working through my fears of getting rejected and what not.
Graudually I became comfortiable of being around people again. I could laugh or joke around.
Graudually I could talk to the opposite sex again. Even the women at work started letting me flirt with them, hold thier hands or play with thier hair. Those women knew for a long time n knew I wasnt always like that.

Graudaully I started dating and asking women out again.

Now Im in a relationship. It's not perfect but for the most part
it's very loving and healthy.

As far as people in general. One of the principle of recovery is there's no big I or little you. In other words...there's nobody better than me.
No one on this planet has all the answers to the misteries of life.
We are all human beings.

You might also try reading is the self esteem section. If no one is smarter or better than me...so why would I have low self-esteem??? Our low self esteem stems from comparing ourselves with others. So if I know this...my fears or anxities of being around people discipate

I also did the sedona methode...very, very helpful for me.
It gave me tools for LETTING GO of my negative thoughts and feelings....You can youtube.

I also listen to "Ultimate confidence" and "beyound positive thinking".
Its work my Dr. Robert Anthony....he gose into great details.
Lots and Lots of great informations of living a happy healthy successful life. You can down load files.

One of the major factor of why I am the way I am today was that my ex-gf died 3 years ago.
It devastated me..so i had to work through a lot of grieving. The biggest mistake i made was I didt
let her know how much i really love n care for her...wanting things to perfect..wait for this or that to happen before
I would commit myself to her...will, she's gone so whatever I thought was right or wrong was all wrong.
I took life for granted..I took her for granted..thinking she would always be alive. Lots of regrets for things
I wished would had said and done. It took me a while to work through all of the guilt N shame I had.
And to let go of Jenni so I can continue living. I felt guilty for not thinking of her or That I would forget her.

Today I just tell my gf I love her very very much and express my love to her becuz thats how I truely feel.
Im grateful we have this opportunity to live and share our love and life together.
Every moment I have with her..wheather it be good or bad...I'm grateful.
I've been bless..its also becuz I belive Ive been blessed.

 

[Hillberry]

Well I'm not sure if things have got better or worse, but left with a real dilemma now.

I mentioned in my initial message about how I'd met a girl, arranged a date and then she called it off because 'she didn't want to drag me into a mess she's currently in with her ex'. Well I sent a brief text yesterday and then we ended up texting all night. Built a really good connection with her as we have lots in common, she was replying straight away with long, in depth responses and asking me questions. I hinted a few times about 'when we meet up' but she didn't take me up any time I mentioned it. Trouble is, the more I chat to her, the more I realise how much I like her.

I've no idea what to do now, she has no form for texting me first off her own back. I know texting constantly will drive her away and in all honesty if I keep texing then I'll have nothing to say to her if we ever meet up anyway! But in the same breath I like her, don't want her to forget about me and hope she one day is able to meet up.