I can't work out what's wrong with me. I seem to have little or no desire to go out, have about 2 friends which I rarely see as they're busy, and no girlfriend, which I would like, as I'm pretty darn lonely. When I say go out, I mean generally as well, but mainly to social occasions like clubs, pubs or social things. The main reason, is I can't drink, it makes me feel funny, and I get strange head sensations and can cause a panic attack, and I can't drink coke or J20's all night. I can have a couple, but you can't make a couple last all night. If you don't drink, and don't really have a reason (on anti-biotics or driving), people think you're strange as well, as 2 guys clearly thought when I was in a club a couple of years ago with a mate drinking and I wasn't. I want a job, but it's proving hard. I've handed CV's out and applied for a few jobs, had 4 interviews the past 6months, but due to my anxiety or depression or social phobia (or whatever the hell I have) I'm really nervous and do rubbish at interviews. From the age of 26 to 35 I was addicted to heroin. I been clean now for coming up to 3yrs (in Oct 2013), I'm 37 now. The past 6yrs though, a lot of the time, I've barely gone out of my flat, apart from for shopping and for doctors appointments or other appointments I've needed to go to. I've recently come back to my hometown to see if that would make me more productive, it has a bit, as I started college in September 2012 on a music production course, and it's going great. I get on with everyone in my class, but generally, I'm socially shy. At college, if I'm in the canteen, and none of my classmates are there, I sit on my own, and I'm very conscious of it. Makes me feel paranoid. Sometimes, I get so self conscious sitting there, I will leave. It seems like everyobody else knows each other and gets on and has a connection there, though I am a lot older than most there, as they're 17-20 mostly. I seem to dry up in conversation as well, especially with girls. A girl from my class was on the bus going home the other day, and I sat opposite her on opposing seats near the back, I tried to chat to her, and it went ok for about say 10mins, but then it dried up and she never spoke back, then it just felt awkward or uncomfortable, so I just went into my phone and pretended to be reading txts or something. Happens all the time that does. Other guys I know would have had her laughing, feeling good about herself and connecting with her loads, showing charisma and charm and stuff. I don't seem to possess any. I attend college 3 days a week, and on the days I don't go college, I'm like I say, a loner. I rarely talk to women I don't know due to the bus thing that happened. Happened with another girl from college on a different course I tried to talk to on the bus home, conversation wasn't natural and went silent for ages and I was really self conscious of it. Makes you wish you weren't there or just like you wished you never started talking to them in the first place and sat at the back of the bus. I'm about to go out now, coz after years of being like this, I now just go out jump on a bus and go into town and have a coffee in McDonalds, just to get out the 4 walls, it's so depressing, but I do feel a bit weird sometimes, sittin' in there with a coffee on my own. I'm starting to think I'm weird. Apart from a short lived 3 week thing last year, I ain't had a girlfriend since 2006. I tend to just sit in my flat a lot on my own feeling depressed and like 'what's the point', watching tele, surfing the web, or creating my music. Tried finding a woman on dating sites, no success. If I bump into any of my old school friends/friends in town, they don't seem to be interested in being mates. They have a little natter and say see ya later. It's like I don't have a connection with people. I feel like I don't have a good aura or vibe about me, even though I'm not hostile towards anybody. A few on FB have deleted me and I have no idea why. Makes me feel paranoid. Not fallen out with them or anything. As I say, I write songs on my guitar and have (along with my college) been recording stuff on music sequencing software, trying to create a bit of progressive house as well, and I'm hoping one day, something will come of it. Dr wants me to take anti-depressents, but I had a bad reaction (burning kinda sensation in my head for 3 days, after the 2nd day of taking them) 2yrs ago, so petrified (literally) of taking meds now. I actually have a fear of taking any tablets now. If I have a headache, I can only take ibuprofen or paracetemol in halves as I'm convinced I'm gonna have that head sensation or something similar again, so have to take a bit and see what happens first. I have panic attacks sometimes, seem to worry about my health a lot, go toilet between 2-5 times a day, that's annoying too. I average 3 times a day. Everytime I google my symptoms, it tends to point towards anxiety. I suffer headaches or head sensations a lot. Dunno, I don't know if it's just depression and anxiety or whether I have some social or personality disorder too. Just want to get a decent life together, I'm 38 at the end of this year, and nothing seems to be changing. I'm skint all the time, depressed, lonely and can't seem to break this cycle. Dunno what I hope to achieve out of this post, but maybe someone has a similar life and can give me some tips on beating this sad existance.
What's wrong with me?
- Thread starter SimonT
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Aihpames
Guest
Hey Simon,
Firstly, huge congratulations for getting yourself off the heroin and keeping clean for three years - that is one hell of an achievement!
Keep your head up on the job front, because really, there isn't much else you can do at the moment
It's a harsh environment for someone looking to do a good days work, but you'll get there in the end. What are you studying at College? Kudos for trying to improve yourself... I should be doing the same.
Truth is, I have a very similar life, but I too don't really know how to beat it. I have half a family, and one friend, and that's it. I don't go out on my own unless it's 5am, and I spend many of my days like you (quite a lot like you, actually... I also find myself recording some music). Maybe sometime we can put something down together? It's not gonna get us out the house, but it might be fun to collaborate on something.
Keep your chin up fella. You're doing the best you can, and that's all anyone can do.
Firstly, huge congratulations for getting yourself off the heroin and keeping clean for three years - that is one hell of an achievement!
Keep your head up on the job front, because really, there isn't much else you can do at the moment
It's a harsh environment for someone looking to do a good days work, but you'll get there in the end. What are you studying at College? Kudos for trying to improve yourself... I should be doing the same.Truth is, I have a very similar life, but I too don't really know how to beat it. I have half a family, and one friend, and that's it. I don't go out on my own unless it's 5am, and I spend many of my days like you (quite a lot like you, actually... I also find myself recording some music). Maybe sometime we can put something down together? It's not gonna get us out the house, but it might be fun to collaborate on something.
Keep your chin up fella. You're doing the best you can, and that's all anyone can do.
Aihpames said:Hey Simon,
Firstly, huge congratulations for getting yourself off the heroin and keeping clean for three years - that is one hell of an achievement!
Keep your head up on the job front, because really, there isn't much else you can do at the moment
Truth is, I have a very similar life, but I too don't really know how to beat it. I have half a family, and one friend, and that's it. I don't go out on my own unless it's 5am, and I spend many of my days like you (quite a lot like you, actually... I also find myself recording some music). Maybe sometime we can put something down together? It's not gonna get us out the house, but it might be fun to collaborate on something.
Keep your chin up fella. You're doing the best you can, and that's all anyone can do.
Yeah, I regularly feel like ending my life. I'm just so depressed and lonely. No-one ever rings me to see how I am, it's like if I wasn't here, it'd be months before anyone noticed. Well, actually, tell a lie, college would notice. That ends though in a month and doesn't start again till September, so I'd have 2months before anyone noticed. i won't do it anyway, I'm too gutless for suicide. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt too, bills bills bills and the dole just doesn't cover it. Life is quite frankly, crap lol!
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Aihpames
Guest
I joined here for similar reasons... I could go weeks, if not months without hearing from anyone apart from my family. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to.
Suicide is a waste, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't (and still do, sometimes) thought of it myself. If you're at rock bottom now, then the only way is up. If you can keep going through this, then you'll come out the other end a happier person.
What are you studying at college?
Suicide is a waste, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't (and still do, sometimes) thought of it myself. If you're at rock bottom now, then the only way is up. If you can keep going through this, then you'll come out the other end a happier person.
What are you studying at college?
Hi and welcome to the site.
Just a suggestion, try breaking up any long posts like that a bit into paragraphs. It makes it hard to read text all bunched up like that.
Anyway, hopefully you will find this site helpful. Join in and maybe we can help?
Just a suggestion, try breaking up any long posts like that a bit into paragraphs. It makes it hard to read text all bunched up like that.
Anyway, hopefully you will find this site helpful. Join in and maybe we can help?
LeaningIntoTheMuse
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Sound like social anxiety to me. You might want to look into cognitive behavior therapy.
Hi and as Aiphames said, congratulations on coming off heroin. That must have been so difficult. You are doing so well to be making a life for yourself-going to college as a mature student can be hard. I did it too when I was in my twenties and it was hard enough then, but at 37 it must be even harder as you are a generation older than your classmates. I wouldn't bother about being deleted by some people on Facebook-it is quite a superficial site as far as I have heard. When it comes to alcohol, you don't need to have an excuse or anything for not drinking. It is up to you what you choose to drink and is nobody else's business if you choose to stay on soft drinks. I go to discussion groups from time to time in local pubs and I always get myself a soft drink as I'm not much of a drinker.
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Sarah_Lbnz
Guest
I can only imagine how hard getting off of heroin must have been, and congratulations for you not drinking.
You mentioned something about your vibe/aura. Using substances has a way of making us vulnerable to having bad energy cling onto us. This is why we learn to hang around positive people, do positive things, show gratitude, eat healthy, exercise, experience and release our anger and grief, take responsibility, let people go, and forgive, and lots of other stuff ... We must let go of the dark passengers of past and present... this is why addicts' and alcoholics (in particular) have auras that are heavy, uneven, ragged, grey, black and murky.
You mentioned something about your vibe/aura. Using substances has a way of making us vulnerable to having bad energy cling onto us. This is why we learn to hang around positive people, do positive things, show gratitude, eat healthy, exercise, experience and release our anger and grief, take responsibility, let people go, and forgive, and lots of other stuff ... We must let go of the dark passengers of past and present... this is why addicts' and alcoholics (in particular) have auras that are heavy, uneven, ragged, grey, black and murky.
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perfanoff
Guest
Sarah_Lbnz said:
And most smart people, I bet.
We're not the most agreeable bunch.
By the way, can you pass me one of those aura detectors?
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Sarah_Lbnz
Guest
perfanoff said:Sarah_Lbnz said:
And most smart people, I bet.
We're not the most agreeable bunch.
By the way, can you pass me one of those aura detectors?
I could, but mine has been vandalized in terrible ways. You can also just order them on the same page where you buy X-Ray Spex and Sea Monkeys.
This is probably redundant to say: I just use those words to describe the "feelings" they radiate. I'm not seeing those colours with my eyes but my intuition sees it (with the help of my eyes, of course). . .
Naleena
Well-known member
There is nothing wrong with you. On the contrary, I think there is something right about you. Coming off of heroine and choosing to live sober means your a smart and decent guy. You have some issues that do not have to define your life. I'm not prying, but I bet your childhood may not have been the best. Most people aren't born with these problems....they develope them. Maybe I'm speaking out of turn here, but I hate to see you beat yourself up. You can be an inspiration to people. There are so many who have not been able to accomplish what you have. What was your secret? What was your motivation? How did you do it? Personally, Id love to hear your story.
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perfanoff
Guest
Sarah_Lbnz said:perfanoff said:Sarah_Lbnz said:
And most smart people, I bet.
We're not the most agreeable bunch.
By the way, can you pass me one of those aura detectors?
I could, but mine has been vandalized in terrible ways. You can also just order them on the same page where you buy X-Ray Spex and Sea Monkeys.
This is probably redundant to say: I just use those words to describe the "feelings" they radiate. I'm not seeing those colours with my eyes but my intuition sees it (with the help of my eyes, of course). . .
I know, I'm just being a *********.
Sorry about that, proceed.
