When a relationship fails...it always seems that the OTHER person is to blame...?

[Luna]

It was honest observation and curiosity that prompted me to ask.

From my personal experience, whenever I hear a person speak of their failed/ failing relationship(s), the blame is shifted to the other party.

Should you go to a dating website's forums, many - if not all - will point the finger at the other party.

Staying in a toxic/ unhappy/ unfulfilling relationship is unhealthy, but leaving one may be difficult with children involved, finances and property, religious beliefs, emotional investment etc.

However, what I am curious about is that I have not once, ever heard anyone state that they did contribute...to some extent...towards the failure of a relationship.

Fingers are always pointed at the other person...THEY. THEY. THEY.

Is it easier to blame the other for downfall and disappointment?
Rather than to hold ourselves accountable for our mistakes?
Thoughts and feelings?

Note: Thank you to those who read and/ or shared their thoughts on my previous thread on unrealistic expectations. For the sake of this discussion...I am not including referring to those who are in abusive/ drug-addicted etc. relationships.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I've admitted many times that I've hurted ML.

I applogize if a lot of my post a a bit long and U might have to dig
through a bit to find the actaul posts for admission of my wrongs...

For a while I was very angery at her and I blamed her for many things.

There are many, many personal matters or details I won't post on the net,
but here's the general of my experince.

I was given an opportunity of making amends to her. I hurted her
in ways that I didn't even know. I'm grateful she allow me into her life
again. I had to really listen to her and try to understand her.
I'm grateful she had forgiven me.
I'm grateful she still loves me inspite of me....
I love her very much.
She too also told me that she was sorry for hurting me.
The past couple of months had been very healing for the both of us.
Yes...she holds me accountiable.
Yes, I'm accountible or try to be as accountiable as I can possibly be today.

I got clean and sober 18 years ago. I lost my wife that I love very much 20 years ago. I also work the 12 steps program...
The 12 steps bascailly holds me accountible on every aspect of my life.

 

[obas]

We always contribute to our own failures. Every failed relationship I have had was my fault in some way. If you try to be objective you can find what you could have done to make it last, if you wanted to.

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."-George Bernard Shaw

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

psychology describes a phenomenon known as 'self-attributional bias' - the basic jist is that when it comes to others' behaviour humans have a tendency to over estimate the extent to which the behaviour/actions of that individual are a result of internal, stable factors ie. personality. whereas when we observe our own behaviour we have a tendency to attribute our actions to external, uncontrollable factors ie. the situation/environment/others.

this attributional bias is not completely maladaptive and destructive, it is closely linked to self esteem. if you get a bad grade in an essay and you blame yourself (i am stupid) then your self esteem is likely to suffer, but if you blame external circumstances (the teacher was ******) your self esteem can take the knock better and recuperate quicker.

a self-defence mechanism that can be beneficial to the individual's well being and positive state of mind... it can of course get out of hand and used to never take any responsibility for your own actions... that would come under 'individual differences'.

personally my break up was what is referred to as an 'amicable one'. neither party was deliberately hurtful to the other, we are still friends and don't blame the other for the ending of the bf/gf relationship. like crow, i don't want to get too personal on the net, lets just say that 'life' got in the way and we discovered we wanted different things...........

my breakup brought all the usual feelings associated with the ending of a relationship. all the 'grief' feelings, including anger and BLAME.. but they were short lived and an effect of the shock of something that had lasted for so long all of a sudden being 'redefined' so quickly.

personally i am not angry and i don't blame her, i love her as a human being and want her to have all the happiness in this life that she wants and deserves even if i can't be the one to provide that happiness.

maybe people that are so blameful of the other after a breakup still carry a lot of anger??? i dont know.

 

[Minus]

Is it easier to blame the other for downfall and disappointment?
Rather than to hold ourselves accountable for our mistakes?

Sure is. Actually i don't know that it is done so much out of ease but more that we see things from our own perspective and belief system. While we may admit be being flawed people that have made mistakes, our actions are generally within a range that we find acceptable and understandable or at least tolerable or forgivable.

 

[nerdygirl]

Personally, I tend to blame myself before I blame the other person. I'm always trying to figure out what I did wrong to chase the other person away.

 

[Disconnected]

You are neglecting the category where neither party actually blames the other.

It happens, I assure you.