When trying to be nice is Interpreted wrong.

[SophiaGrace]

I used to suffer from crippling social anxiety.

My cure, and I am cured now, was NOT to talk to people.

It was to stop giving a **** what people thought about me and do my own thing.

How does avoiding what made you anxious make things better? Now you are lonely.

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

So, by this logic, someone that has social anxiety should not try to fight their anxiety and talk to people even though it makes them extremely fearful and uncomfortable?

Your discomfort will usually make others uncomfortable. That's all I"m saying. Sad and simple fact. I'm not prescribing anybody do or not do anything.

 

[Frito Bandito]

I used to suffer from crippling social anxiety.

My cure, and I am cured now, was NOT to talk to people.

It was to stop giving a **** what people thought about me and do my own thing.

How does avoiding what made you anxious make things better? Now you are lonely.

Acceptance.

I believe we are always alone, from cradle to grave.

All you have is yourself and your honor.

Change expectations of people.

"Friends" = expectations of commitment

"Acquaintances" = better (no commitments, or obligations)

"BF/GF/Hubby/Wife" = expectations of commitment, behavior, etc

"FB" = none of that nonsense (no room for harm)

 

[SophiaGrace]

If we are alone from cradle to grave, then how did civilization spring up? I believe connections with others human beings is what gave rize to civilizations. if we were innately unable to create bonds with others then we would be more likely to be killed. together, we survive. Without each other, we don't. So we are never really alone, we are a unit that works with each other to achieve ends and needs.

You might've accepted your situation, but something within you still tells you something is wrong because you were attracted to a loneliness forum. Something is left unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

*shrug*

let's look at my title "trying to be nice" could mean that I am reaching out to others and trying to interact with them in positive ways when my default is to walk on by and not notice them. I am challenging myself.

I don't like the implication that you put out there that I am not actually a nice person.

 

[Frito Bandito]

If we are alone from cradle to grave, then how did civilization spring up? I believe connections with others human beings is what gave rize to civilizations. if we were innately unable to create bonds with others then we would be more likely to be killed. together, we survive. Without each other, we don't. So we are never really alone, we are a unit that works with each other to achieve ends and needs.

You might've accepted your situation, but something within you still tells you something is wrong because you were attracted to a loneliness forum. Something is left unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

*shrug*

let's look at my title "trying to be nice" could mean that I am reaching out to others and trying to interact with them in positive ways when my default is to walk on by and not notice them. I am challenging myself.

I don't like the implication that you put out there that I am not actually a nice person.

I did not imply that you are not a nice person.

That is quite a stretch.

Anyway, those cohesive units that you are referring to crumble all the time. Families, Marriages, Friendships, Employment - it all crumbles, usually sooner rather than later. Also, a lot of those 'units' look cohesive from the outside, but are actually just an illusion to give the appearance of normalcy/stability. So, these units are just people (still alone) in closer proximity to one another. We shouldn't confuse proximity to others with 'closeness' to others (although due to the double entendre, I had to laugh at this statement)

One common theme I am noticing around this forum is that if you have an opinion or belief that someone else doesn't agree with, you are accused of attacking them. LOL. Perhaps defensiveness/paranoia has a lot more to do with loneliness than one's circumstance.

 

[passage]

I got this yesterday. I girl from one of my classes gave me a very friendly hi at a party and came closer, and I hardly knew her, so I went in to give her the two kisses on the cheek (its the polite thing to do here), and she said "I don't do that cheek thing", and walked away. I found it odd, cause she seemed bored and I was just being polite. I was going to talk with her too, just to keep her company cause she was clearly bored (I wasn't bored either I was talking with someone).

Or another time I held the door open for a women at school and she gave me a dirty look as if I was trying to hit on her, and she was rejecting me. No offence, but what a stupid bitch, its no wonder why a lot of people don't do nice things like this.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

...its no wonder why a lot of people don't do nice things like this.

I can definitely relate to that. *But* that hasn't stopped me from doing what makes me happy, and that happens to be helping other people. The ratio of good experiences to bad experiences I've had with others when I'm being, what I call helpful, is still too great to have such a stopping impact on me.

Try this: the next time you run into an experience where you feel the other person is being a "stupid bitch", just laugh about it to yourself and get on with your day. A cricket will chirp, a hater will hate, and a stupid bitch will be a stupid bitch because that (to them) is their purpose in life, and acting any other way is out of the ordinary and uncomfortable.

 

[Lost Drifter]

The problem is that good deeds are seldom appreciated and bad deeds are seldom forgotten. The key is to be realistic when you perform your act of kindness for someone. As obvious as this sounds; do it for them and not yourself since self-delusion about the amount of payback you are going to receive from doing someone a favour can lead to severe disappointment and dejection.

That’s not to say you should stop being nice to people. Far from it. A good person performs many good deeds out of sheer selflessness simply because the world works a whole lot better when people do great things for each other. Alas just remember that many people may look at your good deeds as their right instead of a privilege for which they should be extremely grateful.

Realistically, whenever you perform an act of kindness, don't expect the recipient's gratitude to last longer than the moment they say thank you. If in fact they do at least that. Forget your acts of kindness to others as soon as possible because most everyone else will. Instead think of your good deeds as something you have done to make the world work better and to make yourself feel good, anything else is just a bonus.

"No kind action ever stops with itself. One kind action leads to another. Good example is followed. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves" --Amelia Earhart

 

[Sailor Moon]

Its hard to be nice when people at work or outside beat you down also for notdoing what they want..every one I work with are either too laid back..aggressive or ill bite your head off or I'm better then everybody. ..I rather stick with the laid back. Type....at work. ..... ..there's too much gossip there....all in all hear say...gossip or bad timing kills every situation

 

[Frito Bandito]

I don't hold the door to be nice.

I hold the door because it is an expected behavior.

Strangers don't deserve my "niceness" (aka - going out of my way to give them a more pleasant experience/day).

I quit being "nice" to people who don't deserve it a long time ago.

That group includes strangers.

 

[nerdygirl]

Many people are accustomed to only receiving acts of kindness with ulterior motives. It's a terrible thing, but it's true.

Just keep being your marvelous self. Sooner or later, these people will realize you're just a nice person. Maybe.

 

[MadMonkè]

HOLY COW!!!

I am the same way!!!

but heres what I learned from someone recently.
Its not enough just offer the good intentions... its important to know what the other person is thinking..

this requires empathy.

"Stuff always comes out of my mouth wrong."
I say that to people whenever something comes out wrong.. and it happens often.. I am still working on this empathy thing...

 

[Frito Bandito]

I distinguish between niceness and courteousness.

I am courteous to everyone.

I am nice to those I know deserve it.

Maybe this is splitting hairs.

For me, the difference is:

- holding the door for someone
- holding the door for someone with a big smile on my face

 

[suckaG]

you can't be faulted for trying to help people out Soph, whether they accept or appreciate your kindness is on them, not you. I also know the awkward nature of certain interactions quite well though. sometimes people just don't know how to react to simple gestures, and insecurity or uncertainty on their part makes a normal gesture or comment seem somehow inappropriate. XD such is life, i reckon.