When you dont deserve someone.

[M_also_lonely]

If I knew that having and keeping friends would need to understand so many long theories, I would not fall in to this friendship thing.

 

[there is no hope]

Realistically, you shouldn't have to go through these steps, and it is agonizing to do so. A good rule of thumb is that, if you are to jump through hoops for something basic to being human, something in the situation is just not right - and it isn't always just about you. One can only self-criticize so much.

I don't think you should feel or think you are guilty or wrong here, and that's really a gripe with the behavioral "therapy" that is common today, and gets propagated by armchair psychologists all across the internet; people are taught to ignore or be ashamed of thinking particular ways in order to drill a "correct" thought process into their heads, and doing that too often causes people to break down from what is basically reality control. I got that a lot in the past, and more crude forms. People told me all my life to just ignore things that were happening to me, and then were surprised (or maybe not surprised, but I'm guessing they were TRYING to help because they weren't the people mocking me) when I started to shut down and break down. Maybe you don't need to hyper-analyze every situation, but I find it was far more helpful once I was in a place where people stopped drumming reality control in my head and I was able to think through things (very, very slowly, in fits and starts).

One thing I have to ask though... how can someone be a true friend after only three weeks? She might be someone you like and a good person to be around, but that seems to me at least to be quite drastic. It's tough for me because I've been in situations where I meet someone I get along with, and a short while later I'm suddenly no one to them and it hits me by surprise.

I don't think you should give up on her or her friends though. I don't have good advice on how to move forward, and to a certain degree, being part of any group means sacrificing a part of one's own identity.

 

[Serenia]

If I knew that having and keeping friends would need to understand so many long theories, I would not fall in to this friendship thing.

It is your life, you have the choice to try these things or not. That is the beauty if it isn't for you then, you can do as you wish. I think people have just tried to offer their support and experiences in making friends. Take of it what you will.

Good luck.

 

[M_also_lonely]

Thanks everybody. I have decided I be friends with her.

---

One thing I have to ask though... how can someone be a true friend after only three weeks?

I dont know, she is the only person who approached to talk to me after knowing me personally. And the only person who doesn't find herself bored when with me.

 

[Despicable Me]

I know this is a little late, but I thought I would reply anyway.

If I knew that having and keeping friends would need to understand so many long theories, I would not fall in to this friendship thing.

You don't need to know all of the 'theories' just to have a friend. That's why I just said to relax and enjoy the time.
The 'theories' are just a little bonus if you want to understand sociology and general relationships a little better. I think there is no hope has a good condensed summary of that stuff, but it's not really necessary for taking his or anyone else's advice. Mostly I'm pretty sure everyone here just want you to just be yourself, because if she wants to be your friend then she'll like you for who you are. And it's fine to worry but don't let those worries stress you out and cause you to make the wrong decision. As there is no hope explained it is fine to be in different social classes, different social groups, different etc. These things can happen sometimes. It doesn't really change your friendship, though. Friends are friends. There doesn't need to be a real reason for it. Just two people getting along.

 

[Katerina]

Just wanted to add that being friends with someone has nothing to do with deserving someone's friendship but is based on enjoying one another's company and getting along well together. I think you're being too harsh on yourself M.

 

[Batman55]

Anyway...
Believe it or not, I am trying to be supportive, and in a way the people telling OP to ignore what he's thinking are causing more harm than good. If someone feels inferior in this situation, maybe it's because he has reasons to feel that way. It's not right to just dismiss his thoughts on the matter as incorrect thoughts, and that usually has the effect of intensifying social isolation more than anything.
It's one thing to tell someone that social class and others' judgements don't matter, but another thing to understand why and believe it.

Very well then. You are then suggesting he is socially inferior, reinforcing his belief. And then, you're not even implying that he could improve if he continues to work on himself and learn from his mistakes, and such. You *appear* to be stating it as a permanent fact: he's socially inferior and will probably remain so.

Whether you claim it's reality or not, it is far more harmful to reinforce someone's negative belief, than to *at least* say there's a chance he can improve. And BTW you got it wrong: I am not faulting him for being "socially inadequate." Doesn't matter whether his "inadequacy" is innate or it was cultivated: people *can and do* improve.

If you don't believe that statement.. *shrugs*

 

[there is no hope]

If someone feels they are inferior, there is usually some reason for that. Just because it's easy for someone to say a bunch of crap on the internet to build themselves up doesn't make it right.
That's the problem, many people want to dismiss a thought process they consider incorrect, because it doesn't fit with what THEY want. This sort of brute-forcing is a large reason why many people suffer far more than they need to, because they're told to literally tear themselves apart.

I agree with Despicable Me here, he's giving positive advice that would be more constructive than some of my rambling. I think OP is in the clear though.

 

[Despicable Me]

Very well then. You are then suggesting he is socially inferior, reinforcing his belief. And then, you're not even implying that he could improve if he continues to work on himself and learn from his mistakes, and such. You *appear* to be stating it as a permanent fact: he's socially inferior and will probably remain so.

Whether you claim it's reality or not, it is far more harmful to reinforce someone's negative belief, than to *at least* say there's a chance he can improve. And BTW you got it wrong: I am not faulting him for being "socially inadequate." Doesn't matter whether his "inadequacy" is innate or it was cultivated: people *can and do* improve.

If you don't believe that statement.. *shrugs*

Just to be clear here, I believe we're speaking of 'social classes', which are something that actually exist.
You can indeed be "inferior" in this respect, and it is indeed a rather permanent position. You cannot change it without changing society itself. You can change your position within your own social class but you can pretty much never completely escape the class itself. there is no hope gave several good examples of how this all works, which I found to be a rather interesting and agreeable view.

And no one here is stating that society is right to do this, but it's something worth understanding and acknowledging at the very least. There are numerous stories and books on this very issue... Things like how one person born into a wealthy family meets a poor person and becomes friends with them, and how they both come to understand each other and each others' position in life, and how this helps them to develop their unique friendship, or even develop a love.

Most particularly this is important because OP is from India, according to his profile, and in India the 'Caste system' exists where society is literally segregating itself on various social levels and such.
Maybe in OP's case neither wealth nor caste are a problem, but there is still the issue of one being formerly accepted by society, having many friends, and one having so far not been accepted and never having had any friends. That in itself is much like a division of social-class, philosophically speaking.

Anyway, I get what you're both trying to say but, honestly I have to disagree with you Batman. You have a rather optimistic outlook on this, basically stating that two people of different social-status are actually equals. And yes, maybe in terms of a perfect society they would be, maybe in terms of 'value', or abilities they are. But in terms of a purely social view, which is how all relationships interact, they are not and never can be.

That doesn't mean it's really an issue to worry about, though. A rich man and a poor man can still be great friends, for example, despite how uncommon it might be. And such friendships generally teach both parties a lot about how things really work in the world, fostering in both people a new perspective on life.

Anyway, I thought this might make things clearer, but maybe not. Sorry if I just made it more confusing.

 

[Batman55]

Anyway, I get what you're both trying to say but, honestly I have to disagree with you Batman. You have a rather optimistic outlook on this, basically stating that two people of different social-status are actually equals. And yes, maybe in terms of a perfect society they would be, maybe in terms of 'value', or abilities they are. But in terms of a purely social view, which is how all relationships interact, they are not and never can be.

So then he is inferior and always will be. Why not just get this out of the way and say it outright?

Not to mention.. again, what is it about being "shy and awkward" that makes it so black-and-white in your view that this is "inferiority"? Wouldn't you yourself be "inferior" according to this rule?

 

[Despicable Me]

So then he is inferior and always will be. Why not just get this out of the way and say it outright?

Not to mention.. again, what is it about being "shy and awkward" that makes it so black-and-white in your view that this is "inferiority"? Wouldn't you yourself be "inferior" according to this rule?

It's not about inferiority/superiority. It's about being of different social classes.
Difference does not mean inferior/superior. You're listening to society too much. Difference is just difference. You're right that they are equals on other aspects. They are just in different social classes, that's all.
As I said before, think of it like a rich man and a poor man being friends. The rich man is not superior, the poor man is not inferior. Society might tell you this but it isn't true, it's just what society wants people to believe to keep the status quo.
Think of it like an apple and an orange. Neither is objectively better, but you can have an opinion on which you think is better.
There is an objective reality to social-class. But none to inferiority/superiority within social class, so that belief is society's opinion on the matter. One that could change, and does so depending on the individual viewing it.

I'm in the same position in many ways, so if M is "inferior" to you, then yes I'd probably be the same thing. I'm not afraid to admit that. Most everyone is in entirely different social classes than I am. I do not consider myself "inferior", though. Neither should M. He may feel that way, but once again it can basically just be considered an opinion. It doesn't have objective truth.

Does that make more sense?

 

[Batman55]

It does make more sense, sure... but then it depends on how you define social class in M's case. What are the factors, particularly, that lead virtually all of us (the OP as well, of course) to conclude he is indeed "unequal" in terms of class, as compared to the girl and her friends?

I'm too lazy to reread all the posts here so forgive me if I'm off-base here. But is it simply a case of popularity vs. lone-wolf? If so I'll say it doesn't make sense that one should be considered a "lower class" simply because they can't socialize like your typical extrovert, or simply because they aren't popular or charismatic, whatever. Maybe in "mainstream view" this could be the case, but that definitely doesn't mean it's correct or factual, IMHO. I guess it really depends on what aspect of this conundrum you're looking at--I'm looking at it through social functioning. This is just a different thing than something like upper vs. lower class with differences of privilege, etc.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

It's just the social dynamics of a group have more variables. There is often competition in socializing, especially in groups. Then roll that in with the fact there may be an established history that you are not privy to.

It's like going to your first algeabra class not knowing algebra. Maybe there is a small group of students who already know it, and to them, everything will come easy. They have been there and done that.

I'm not going to pretend to be a master of engaging in group social dynamics. If I was I probably wouldn't be using words like, 'social dynamics'. The more variables there are to deal with, the more processing that has to be done, thusly, the input is larger than the output. For some one like me anyway.

However, much like a hot tub, the water seems way too hot at first, but if you slowly acclimate yourself, eventually you will find it comfortable.

I am more of a 1 on 1 type of person. I find that in these situations, there is usually less competition and more of an ongoing dialogue, but even so, not always. Group social dynamics don't always have a competitive nature either, but often times they do.

I don't think the point is so much as to make you a part of, 'her', group; as much as the point is to get you in to A group. To get you into a social setting.

Currently I am struggling with this. I have enjoyed my solitude my whole life. It is what comes natural and is comfortable. However, it would seem, that, we are all social creatures. Even the hermit must leave the cave to come and share with the townspeople his/her thoughts.

Perhaps, 'her', group, is simply not, 'your' group. Which begs the question, where is 'your' group? Do you have one? Do you want one? Should you have one? Would it be nice to have one? Where would you look for them?

If I was a fan of a particular sports team and had a good friend that invited me to hang out with her group who was a fan of some other opposing team, I probably wouldn't fit in very well. They would be talking about stats and players I have no knowledge of, OR, interest in. Doesn't mean that that friend doesn't have value outside of that CONTEXT, but in that PARTICULAR context, things may not be my, 'cup of tea'. So to speak.

Usually for me it takes about 2 hours in a new social dynamic to become comfortable enough to start being myself. I say if more opportunities arise to take part in her groups dynamics, keep giving it a try for a little while. If in the end you just end up feeling even more lost and disconnected than when you initially encountered that dynamic, then it is probably not a beneficial group social dynamic; in which case you should seek other dynamics that are more beneficial AND if the person in question is still your friend, you can share experiences outside of that friendship, learn, and all that fun crap.

Good luck!