When You Will Never Be Good Enough

[Kid_A]

Anyone else feel like this?

 

[M_also_lonely]

You can't love someone else without loving yourself. Its impossible.

 

[Xpendable]

But you can be loved without loving yourself.

 

[M_also_lonely]

Its not a great feeling. One can't believe it, can't accept it. You'll be like, "Why me? Why me when she has so many better options?" "Soon, she will leave me." etc.
If you don't love yourself, you aren't even positive about yourself, a person who you know. How can you be positive about someone else. You are always suspicious. You also make it difficult for the other person.

 

[matt4]

M_also_lonely, hit the nail on the head. You have to love yourself first. It can be difficult especially if you lack confidence but this is the key. Whether its gaining this through reading/watching self help articles, to professional therapy such as CBT

 

[Xpendable]

You can also love yourself and no be loved.

 

[Kid_A]

But you can be loved without loving yourself.

Thanks for the reply.

---

M_also_lonely, hit the nail on the head. You have to love yourself first. It can be difficult especially if you lack confidence but this is the key. Whether its gaining this through reading/watching self help articles, to professional therapy such as CBT

Thank you

---

Its not a great feeling. One can't believe it, can't accept it. You'll be like, "Why me? Why me when she has so many better options?" "Soon, she will leave me."  etc.
If you don't love yourself, you aren't even positive about yourself, a person who you know. How can you be positive about someone else. You are always suspicious.  You also make it difficult for the other person.

I do know it makes things difficult, thanks for the reply.

---

You can't love someone else without loving yourself. Its impossible.

Thanks

 

[Red_Wedding_Casualty]

I have a female friend of mine in a relationship that suffers from an aggravated form of this mindset. She constantly feels like there are far better women out there, and that at any point, he will cheat on her for one of these said women. Quite often she will act out, and straight up accuse him of cheating on her. To her surprise, the relationship is still holding, but she knows that this mindset is quite damaging(they've been on again/off again once before).

It's true that if you can't love yourself, then how can you expect someone else to love you? I'll go further by saying that, through my own experiences and observations, that this mindset more damaging to other people, as we have a tendency to project our flaws and burden other people with them. Case in point, my friend's relationship. She acts out at her partner through her own insecurities, and he carries the burden of that weight.

I don't say this to be nasty, but if you truly feel that you're not good enough to be in a romantic relationship, do yourself and everyone a favour. Take yourself out of the race. Come back when you feel like you could be a worthy partner for somebody, or carry that weight. Because we can control how damaging our negative projections can be on ourselves. But not on another person.

 

[ardour]

I'm sure insecurity can get in the way and cause all sorts of problems, but it would have to be kind of extreme for that to be a problem.

Beyond a minimum baseline of self-esteem, I don't know what 'loving yourself' is meant to mean.

 

[M_also_lonely]

But here is an interesting twist.
Why are people unable to love themselves?
Not everything is a choice. That is ********.
What brings self hatred or lack of self love. Is the question that need to be worked upon.

 

[Drew]

What brings self hatred or lack of self love. Is the question that need to be worked upon.

I would say usually it's from something that happened in their life. About a year ago I went to a therpist and we figured out some things... while I was seeing her, I got to take a business trip out to California. I also planned two extensive photoshoots (one of my passions) and I was extremely excited. She was pleased with how happy and excited I was about this (it had been a couple of years since my last photoshoot.) Both models ended up bailing on me and I was devestated. I had spent about $2K on outfits, props and the location. I was not angry though, I don't feel anger. When I got back, we discussed this. Turns out I do not value myself. I learned this when I was in middle school when family and friends never asked me how I was doing and ignored me because my sister was having a crisis (this persisted for years.)

Unlearning "self worthlessness" is difficult. I am aware of my issue now and working to fix it.

I would say encourage yourself. Tell yourself you are worth love and happiness. I have debated over paying someone to record messages saying positive things about me, so I can listen and watch them and feel encouraged by it. I don't have anyone in my life who gives me encouragement.

 

[VanillaCreme]

In something like this, people are most likely their own enemies.

 

[Softguy]

Anyone else feel like this?

I felt like this for 20 months while I was with my severly pibolar girlfriend. I was a complete prisoner with my love for this girl. I knew completely that is wasn't right and that I needed to get out but could not. I tried and tried and tried to love her without her falling out with me yet again and ending it. I lost 2 stone in weight (down to 10 1/2) and attempted to end my life.

After the relationship had ended, and my thinking had regained some normality, I concluded that NO MAN would ever live up to her vision of a boyfriend, and it wasn't cos I wasn't good enough, it was because she saw the World through very different eyes than me.

So, in this extreme case, for me, I would never be good enough.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Do you feel you will never be good enough for someone else or yourself?

If it's for someone else.....stop worrying about being good enough for them and start focusing on being good enough for yourself. Everything else will start to fall in line when that happens. And even if it doesn't, you won't care. You will be good with you, that's all that matters.

 

[Kid_A]

What brings self hatred or lack of self love. Is the question that need to be worked upon.

I would say usually it's from something that happened in their life. About a year ago I went to a therpist and we figured out some things... while I was seeing her, I got to take a business trip out to California. I also planned two extensive photoshoots (one of my passions) and I was extremely excited. She was pleased with how happy and excited I was about this (it had been a couple of years since my last photoshoot.) Both models ended up bailing on me and I was devestated. I had spent about $2K on outfits, props and the location. I was not angry though, I don't feel anger. When I got back, we discussed this. Turns out I do not value myself. I learned this when I was in middle school when family and friends never asked me how I was doing and ignored me because my sister was having a crisis (this persisted for years.)

Unlearning "self worthlessness" is difficult. I am aware of my issue now and working to fix it.

I would say encourage yourself. Tell yourself you are worth love and happiness. I have debated over paying someone to record messages saying positive things about me, so I can listen and watch them and feel encouraged by it. I don't have anyone in my life who gives me encouragement.

Thank you, I appreciate your story. I will try to do this.

---

Anyone else feel like this?

I felt like this for 20 months while I was with my severly pibolar girlfriend. I was a complete prisoner with my love for this girl. I knew completely that is wasn't right and that I needed to get out but could not. I tried and tried and tried to love her without her falling out with me yet again and ending it. I lost 2 stone in weight (down to 10 1/2) and attempted to end my life.

After the relationship had ended, and my thinking had regained some normality, I concluded that NO MAN would ever live up to her vision of a boyfriend, and it wasn't cos I wasn't good enough, it was because she saw the World through very different eyes than me.

So, in this extreme case, for me, I would never be good enough.

I'm really sorry you had to experience this. Thank you for sharing.

---

Do you feel you will never be good enough for someone else or yourself?

If it's for someone else.....stop worrying about being good enough for them and start focusing on being good enough for yourself.  Everything else will start to fall in line when that happens. And even if it doesn't, you won't care.  You will be good with you, that's all that matters.

It's for someone else, I find it so incredibly hard to be fine by myself. I know I've got to love myself and be comfortable with myself but when I feel like I'll be left behind or used by my partner I feel like there are no other options. I've always been like this.

 

[michael2]

What brings self hatred or lack of self love. Is the question that need to be worked upon.

I would say usually it's from something that happened in their life. About a year ago I went to a therpist and we figured out some things... while I was seeing her, I got to take a business trip out to California. I also planned two extensive photoshoots (one of my passions) and I was extremely excited. She was pleased with how happy and excited I was about this (it had been a couple of years since my last photoshoot.) Both models ended up bailing on me and I was devestated. I had spent about $2K on outfits, props and the location. I was not angry though, I don't feel anger. When I got back, we discussed this. Turns out I do not value myself. I learned this when I was in middle school when family and friends never asked me how I was doing and ignored me because my sister was having a crisis (this persisted for years.)

Unlearning "self worthlessness" is difficult. I am aware of my issue now and working to fix it.

I would say encourage yourself. Tell yourself you are worth love and happiness. I have debated over paying someone to record messages saying positive things about me, so I can listen and watch them and feel encouraged by it. I don't have anyone in my life who gives me encouragement.

I have an elderly aunt who we helped move to our city a couple years ago.  We've been helping her get groceries, go to the doctor, and a variety of other things.

She called me the other day asking if I would take her to the doctor.  Then, at the end of the phone call she just started complimenting me, telling me how she had never met anybody like me her whole life and how she wished that I had grew up around her instead of in a different state.  She went on for several minutes just showering me with compliments and I could tell from her voice they were very heartfelt and sincere.

Words cannot describe how much this boosted my self worth.  I suddenly felt like I had something to offer the world, or a girlfriend.  

Yeah, she was 'family', but I've only known her the last couple of years.  I think we all understand its of course good to receive compliments and love from your parents growing up, but once you become an adult you need others to do this as well, people who arent biased to you because they have been around you your entire life.

What did I learn from this?  If I ever got the opportunity to compliment somebody for being a good person or achieving something,  I will not hesitate at all to do it.  And I think it goes beyond just saying 'thank you'. I've known alot of good people in my life,  and I never complimented them.  That's going to change.

I've tried looking in the mirror and complimenting myself, and saying 'I love you'.  It works, a little.  But its nothing like having these things said by another person.  Im not sure how effective listening to recordings of people mentioning me by name while saying positive things about me would be.  Im sure it would help, but again I doubt it's effectiveness compared to a real person saying it and actually really meaning it.  Of course thats why having a girlfriend would be ideal.  It would be very nice to have a partnership setup like that where both people feel comfortable saying positive and encouraging things about eachother while also exchanging endearing acts of kindness.

Receiving love and compliments for doing good things or being a good person should be a basic human right.  Sadly alot of people dont get that.  Even worse I think if your starved of those things for long enough when someone does give you love and compliments you might be skeptical and suspicious of them, or feel you are unworthy of it.  I just sincerely hope the damage that has been done to me and others is reversible.

 

[Drew]

I've tried looking in the mirror and complimenting myself, and saying 'I love you'.  It works, a little.  But its nothing like having these things said by another person.  Im not sure how effective listening to recordings of people mentioning me by name while saying positive things about me would be.  Im sure it would help, but again I doubt it's effectiveness compared to a real person saying it and actually really meaning it.  Of course thats why having a girlfriend would be ideal.  It would be very nice to have a partnership setup like that where both people feel comfortable saying positive and encouraging things about eachother while also exchanging endearing acts of kindness.

Receiving love and compliments for doing good things or being a good person should be a basic human right.  Sadly alot of people dont get that.  Even worse I think if your starved of those things for long enough when someone does give you love and compliments you might be skeptical and suspicious of them, or feel you are unworthy of it.  I just sincerely hope the damage that has been done to me and others is reversible.

(Red bold font is from me)

I'm married and I don't get these. Once, I cleaned the entire kitchen and was hanging out there until my wife came home. She saw what I did and said she would not compliment me because I did it specifically to get a compliment. Don't think that just because you get a girlfriend she will be the type of person who showers you with praise or adoration. I try to limit as many negative influences on my life as possible because it is so rare that I receive any positive compliments.

I have learned to accept compliments. For many years I didn't feel comfortable with it, but you can learn to accept them.

 

[michael2]

More unrealistic expectations dashed. I guess its better to learn about that now then through first hand experience.