Suntory
Member
So here goes...
I'm 25. Living in Edinburgh. I have a dead-end job, that whilst I don't mind it, it is getting worse (cost cutting etc), and realistically, it cannot provide me with any kind of future, money-wise or friend-wise.
I have a flatmate, and one other friend I see maybe once a fortnight. My family are all back home in a different town, and whilst I'm still in contact, I've been feeling more and more distant these last few years. What few friends from home I had, I've drifted away from. And there weren't many to begin with anyway. I've never really had many friends, but have preferred my own company. Solitude never bothered me until the last few years, and only now does it terrify me.
I did well at school, and everyone expected me to go off to Uni, grab a degree in engineering, and be straight into a well-paid job. That didn't happen. I hated the course, didn't try hard enough, and failed it. I was never happy with the friends I'd made, and still hadn't had a girlfriend in any shape or form - I got close to one girl, who promptly dated someone else. I dropped out after a year, and returned home, working as a cashier for minimum wage.
Then I reapplied to do a different course, history, with far fewer obvious prospects, at a different university. I made a great effort of things, making friends, actually going out to clubs (this never happened at the first university). I passed the first year, and the second. I'd managed to change my entire persona too - into someone who didn't like being alone - I actually cared for company.
The beginning of the third year was the beginning of the end. That summer had been eventful - a girl I'd been spending more and more time with at the centre of it all. I asked her out, albeit knowing she'd say no. She said no. No specific reason. I felt it was because she was out of my league.
The beginning of third year saw her go off on holiday with her mates from home, and me go on a university trip. I hated it - having no friends on the course made it a sort of popularity contest of which I had no part, and the week couldn't end soon enough. She found a boyfriend.
This tore me apart - none of us had had a relationship before, and the fact that she found a guy in a week, I really couldn't understand. And she was more than a friend - we'd spent much of the previous year staying up until 5am, 6am, 7am, just talking. Or just lieing there - content in the quiet. And the thought of losing that intenseness was probably the thing that scared me the most.
I fell into a depression. Not just because of her - but the uni trip, the fact I still hadn't had a girlfriend, the fact that everyone else had coupled up... It's still getting to me now, typing that! Now, I'm sure I've had bouts of this before, but this was as bad as I've ever been. I gave up on university, I gave up on my friends. I quit my job. I contemplated suicide, with more desire than I've ever done. And since this girl was in the same social circles as me, I found myself retreating back into my shell. Staying in whilst everyone went out. All the advances I'd made in the first two years were wiped out.
I had councilling, but it didn't really change anything. But I decided to fight things, and resit the year. I stayed with the same group of flatmates, and made an effort again at the start. Things went okay. I met two girls (both on short term trips from abroad), and went on a quick holiday with the second, before her flights home. Only short term things, unfortunatly, but they probably kept me alive, especially the first one... University wasn't going well, but flat life was decent - though not as social as earlier years. Then one night my flatmates literally sneaked out without telling me (to someone's flat who didn't like me, which is fine, but the weird sneaking off thing was definitely not...) - and it reset everything again.
They didn't seem to care, and I didn't speak to any of them again. I didn't see the point, and they would be gone after they graduated anyway, and what use was cultivating a doomed friendship? Another thing that frightened me into depression - the fact that all my acquaintances, friends I'd hoped to keep in touch with for life, would simply leave forever - treating university as a temporary thing.
I'm rambling on. There's a lot more to say, but there's the basics. Right now I'm back to square one again, but having wasted so much time. I'm back at the job I quit, and I dropped out of university in the very last year - becoming disillusioned with the whole thing, and knowing I'd not get a worthwhile grade anyway.
Currently things are okay. Nothing more. Although I still feel completely empty at the best of times. Nothing holds my interest anymore - a weird nihilistic quality I seem to have gained, and I'm not sure I like it.
Regardless. After this year, when my flatmate goes to live with his girlfriend somewhere, and my other friend goes off to London to study, I will be on my own. And I have no idea how I'll cope.
I'm 25. Living in Edinburgh. I have a dead-end job, that whilst I don't mind it, it is getting worse (cost cutting etc), and realistically, it cannot provide me with any kind of future, money-wise or friend-wise.
I have a flatmate, and one other friend I see maybe once a fortnight. My family are all back home in a different town, and whilst I'm still in contact, I've been feeling more and more distant these last few years. What few friends from home I had, I've drifted away from. And there weren't many to begin with anyway. I've never really had many friends, but have preferred my own company. Solitude never bothered me until the last few years, and only now does it terrify me.
I did well at school, and everyone expected me to go off to Uni, grab a degree in engineering, and be straight into a well-paid job. That didn't happen. I hated the course, didn't try hard enough, and failed it. I was never happy with the friends I'd made, and still hadn't had a girlfriend in any shape or form - I got close to one girl, who promptly dated someone else. I dropped out after a year, and returned home, working as a cashier for minimum wage.
Then I reapplied to do a different course, history, with far fewer obvious prospects, at a different university. I made a great effort of things, making friends, actually going out to clubs (this never happened at the first university). I passed the first year, and the second. I'd managed to change my entire persona too - into someone who didn't like being alone - I actually cared for company.
The beginning of the third year was the beginning of the end. That summer had been eventful - a girl I'd been spending more and more time with at the centre of it all. I asked her out, albeit knowing she'd say no. She said no. No specific reason. I felt it was because she was out of my league.
The beginning of third year saw her go off on holiday with her mates from home, and me go on a university trip. I hated it - having no friends on the course made it a sort of popularity contest of which I had no part, and the week couldn't end soon enough. She found a boyfriend.
This tore me apart - none of us had had a relationship before, and the fact that she found a guy in a week, I really couldn't understand. And she was more than a friend - we'd spent much of the previous year staying up until 5am, 6am, 7am, just talking. Or just lieing there - content in the quiet. And the thought of losing that intenseness was probably the thing that scared me the most.
I fell into a depression. Not just because of her - but the uni trip, the fact I still hadn't had a girlfriend, the fact that everyone else had coupled up... It's still getting to me now, typing that! Now, I'm sure I've had bouts of this before, but this was as bad as I've ever been. I gave up on university, I gave up on my friends. I quit my job. I contemplated suicide, with more desire than I've ever done. And since this girl was in the same social circles as me, I found myself retreating back into my shell. Staying in whilst everyone went out. All the advances I'd made in the first two years were wiped out.
I had councilling, but it didn't really change anything. But I decided to fight things, and resit the year. I stayed with the same group of flatmates, and made an effort again at the start. Things went okay. I met two girls (both on short term trips from abroad), and went on a quick holiday with the second, before her flights home. Only short term things, unfortunatly, but they probably kept me alive, especially the first one... University wasn't going well, but flat life was decent - though not as social as earlier years. Then one night my flatmates literally sneaked out without telling me (to someone's flat who didn't like me, which is fine, but the weird sneaking off thing was definitely not...) - and it reset everything again.
They didn't seem to care, and I didn't speak to any of them again. I didn't see the point, and they would be gone after they graduated anyway, and what use was cultivating a doomed friendship? Another thing that frightened me into depression - the fact that all my acquaintances, friends I'd hoped to keep in touch with for life, would simply leave forever - treating university as a temporary thing.
I'm rambling on. There's a lot more to say, but there's the basics. Right now I'm back to square one again, but having wasted so much time. I'm back at the job I quit, and I dropped out of university in the very last year - becoming disillusioned with the whole thing, and knowing I'd not get a worthwhile grade anyway.
Currently things are okay. Nothing more. Although I still feel completely empty at the best of times. Nothing holds my interest anymore - a weird nihilistic quality I seem to have gained, and I'm not sure I like it.
Regardless. After this year, when my flatmate goes to live with his girlfriend somewhere, and my other friend goes off to London to study, I will be on my own. And I have no idea how I'll cope.
