Why did this guy treat me like this and made a mess of me?

[celine_39883]

I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men.

However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I also talked to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too.

Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him.

Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left.

So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused, miserable, and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more?

 

[Hope88]

Maybe he did like you but despite your efforts he was still unsure if you were interested or available. Or maybe he has self-confidence issues.
Another possibility, although unlikely, is that he is the type of guy who prefers women that take the initiative.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

If he brought her up, but then said he's over her, he's actually not over her. Not yet, anyhow. Otherwise, unless there's a contextual reason, he wouldn't have brought her up.

Unless there's like an actual reason or punchline, I don't typically bring up my exes when talking to other women. In part because I know that's not what they want to hear about. I don't like getting asked about that, either because it's sort of besides the point of what I already now understand now that I'm older.

I'll try to paraphrase it, but basically:
All humans everywhere, regardless of their age, gender, and socio-economic status, have insecurities. From a first person perspective as humans we all know our own insecurities. However, insecurities are no more truly hindering to us than the existential dread that we let them rule over us with as power.

This is actually most prevalently seen in younger people as a basic case study:
There are dozens of young men and young women who think that they're ugly, and so originally they sought out validation as a way to balance themselves and to find acceptance, this was before the days of mainstream social "clout chasing." Originally, people just didn't want to feel like **** about themselves anymore, which is a perfectly understandable motivational cause.

However, the trouble with confidence is that it feels good to feel good, and feeling good is addictive.
Just like how junk food is designed to taste delicious even though it isn't actually healthy for you. And so the result is polar shift, rather than balance. They become equally unbalanced, just in the opposite direction, which is how you get people who are over-confident.

Now as people get older, this strangeness continues to evolve accordingly to their environment and social interactions. E.g. You feel like you're ugly, so you don't go to social events. Or if you do, you don't expect to meet anyone there. And if your mentality is still pedestalizing love, well, you didn't meet anyone there because you didn't go. And so the cycle continues.

Don't search for validation and acceptance through other people.
Just don't do it. That's how you get taken advantage of and abused in life even more so.
Because a predatory person looking to exploit you will see that's what you want and they will use that against you to take advantage of you. It happened to me several times, until I eventually saw the pattern and figured out why that kept happening to me. Unfortunately, that's just how ****** people really are.

So instead, do the opposite, actually.
Learn to love yourself and make peace with yourself.
Yes, managing and resolving your personal internal pain and suffering isn't going to be easy, or fun, or happen over night, but it is worth the practice to be in.

If you ever take the time to talk to older people who keep up with fitness practices as to why they keep up with fitness practices despite their age, they will correctly inform you that they don't do it despite their age, they do it IN SPITE of their age. Because life gets harder, not easier. These old dudes that are bench pressing heavy amounts aren't doing it because they're looking to go prowling around for younger women, that's a public misconception. The actual reason they're lifting and tending to their fitness practices is it's a healthy habit to be in, and in all actuality they've probably got something on their mind that's stressing them out in some way or another. Could be anything: Wife pissed him off, son wrecked his car, maybe he's feeling his own age and needs to hit the gym for a bit, can't sleep/eat because of family and financial stresses, so they go and try to deal with their stresses in a healthy way, rather than in unhealthier ways.

It's no easy task to learn center and pacify the mind, but it's even harder to do when you're in a self-destructive cycle and some predatory shitheads looking to take advantage of someone come waltzing into your life. I spent years and years of my life that way, don't compromise yourself like that.

 

[bender22]

Coming from a guy who has approached lots of women... I'd say it's definitely quite possible that he liked you but just lacked the confidence to ask you to exchange contact details.

There have been plenty of times when I've initiated conversation with someone I was attracted to and then left without asking for their number or anything because I was just unsure if she would say yes and I was afraid of being rejected.

Especially if you were with a friend, the prospect of asking a girl for her number in front of other people can be fairly intimidating. So I wouldn't get too down on yourself over this one.

 

[Adamridge79]

Ok, I'll give my two cents...here's a thought. And this comes from so many similar scenarios. Don't hang your coat on the hook of someone you've known for 7 minutes. So many ways, or so I'm told, that are ways to find others. But, I'm on this forum, so maybe don't listen to me. Sooooooo much bad advice given here.

 

[charlotte craig]

I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men.

However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I also talked to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too.

Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him.

Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left.

So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused, miserable, and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more?

He brought this up and asked about it because he misses her and wants her back! There would be no point in thinking about it a lot and asking for advice on it otherwise.

I suggest you see a good therapist to help you with your lack of confidence. Otherwise men who are confident get put off by you not being more confident, or men who are nasty take advantage of you. And if you get into a relationship you will be forever worrying and not enjoying any of it. Until the lack of confidence gets in the way and destroys it anyway. Then you would feel worse and worry more and it is a vicious circle.

 

[charlotte craig]

I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men.

However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I also talked to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too.

Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him.

Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left.

So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused, miserable, and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more?

 

[charlotte craig]

I think people are often too quick to settle for someone because they like their looks, or have a nice smile or they hate being alone or calling themselves single, as if that makes them losers. I was single for many years and it made a lot more sense than settling for the no hopers that wanted to settle down with me. Why? Because I am a very hard working person, well educated, a member of the high I.Q. society in the UK, resourceful, good at making decisions and understanding things and people, great at solving problems, it is how I earn my living, and wealthy due to all that. After many years of choosing to be single rather than make do I then found a wonderful man who ticked all of the boxes. But you would be amazed at how many women - usually ones who had no money, had never worked etc. thought it odd or found fault. They would have grabbed onto any man who took them out for a meal or mowed their lawn or gave them a lift to the shops! They could not see that perhaps for them that is the best they can get - but not for me.

One of the things these silly women were forgetting is that a man who has worked very hard and got money is far more likely to want a woman who is the same, rather than a woman who has never worked and has debts.

Fools assumed it was all about money, how wrong they were. It was about being hard working, resourceful, responsible, and any guy of 60s who has not made money can't be. Anyway a nice man would realise how selfish and unfair it is to ask a wealthy hard working woman to take care of him financially, if he is really keen on her he would realise she is better off with someone more like her.

I get begging letters, I get emails from people I dont know from adam who say let me take you out to dinner and we will fall in love and marry. This idea they are NOT a gold digger is ridiculous. The only thing they know about me is my work ethic and money.

Another woman will get lots of guys wanting her because she is young and beautiful and busty, but what does that guy give in return? If he is lazy, got a crap job, spends the money too quick, married or three times her age, why would be be good enough for this woman?

I compare it to this...

There was a programme on tv about a small village where there were lots of successful professional people. Doctor, dentist etc. One of the houses became available and they were determined to make sure they did not get someone who did not suit them buy it. They interviewed anyone who HOPED to come there and live there. If they were unemployed, manual workers etc they were told no. In the end they chose a carpenter who was self employed because they would be on a similar level to him, he would enhance their lives as much as they enhance his. Think of it this way. If those professionals were determined NOT to live near people who could not enhance their lives as much as they did for them, why would someone live with someone and marry someone who cannot enhance their lives as much as they do for them?

This idea that you go out with someone no matter what and then fall in love and settle is lunacy because you can only fall in love with someone who has the qualities you value. I can't stand gold diggers who aim for people with more than them, but if you have a lot you are entitled to insist they have as much as you - whether that is personality, money or whatever. Or - be wise and stay single.

Obviously a slummy village, that was run down with drug problems, graffiti, violence, ugly buildings, dirty, litter, etc would not be so popular - nobody would be HOPING to move in there and be willing to be interviewed and prove themselves. But this village was special, it was perfect, so lots wanted to go there and they were right to be picky because it was going to affect them a lot.

It's the same with people.

The person you date, sleep with, maybe live with and marry will affect your life far more than the person who buys the house around the corner to you.

Ive met women who are young and gorgeous expecting to find a wealthy man - it never happens because they are smart, they dont want a gold digger or an empty headed bimbo, they want someone on same level as them. Same thing. But its worse when you are a female because I was brought up to think a man is the bread winner. Not that the woman is and the man is the adult baby. I am more than happy and capable to do my share, but not doing his share too.

 

[insecure]

I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men.

However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I also talked to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too.

Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him.

Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left.

So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused, miserable, and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more?

If he's like me that could happen, although I probably wouldn't dare to stare that much.
I often have the idea that I am not worthy of anyone's love, have to convince myself that I am worthwhile, and hope that this woman will take the initiative.
Doesn't mean they don't like you.