Why do my crushes always insult me?

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

mustachioed_badass_42

Active member
Joined
Apr 16, 2024
Messages
43
Reaction score
26
Location
Earth
Sorry for the long rant. I'm looking for advice, and want to know if I have done something wrong in this case.

I (15M) am finding this really weird, disappointing and demoralising. When I first had a crush, I was 13. Having dealt with social anxiety and low self-esteem all my life, I was hesitant to confess it to her. I thought it would be better if I just try to make friends with her first. So one day at school during lunch, she was sitting with her friend and I was sitting on a chair close to her. I asked if she would like to be friends and asked for her contact. She and her friend started laughing at me, and began telling everyone about it. I hadn't even said anything indicating romantic interest.

Others began to tell me that if she reported this, I could be punished. Honestly, they made me feel like some predator of sorts. It made me begin to hate myself, and I started to think that I had become like the same people I despised in my childhood. It was only on the Internet that I learnt how common it is to have a crush, in both teenage and in adulthood. I realised that I was, in fact, not a predator. I was just a kid who liked a girl, that was it! One could ask why I came to believe this if I hadn't done anything wrong. Well, if a naive, emotional teenager is told such things by a bunch of people frequently, there is a sort of "mental colonisation" that takes place, where others' opinions become one's own, and all sorts of reasoning fail. Later, I learnt that a lot of other people at my school have a crush too, only thing they hide it, fearing similar responses.

She never talked to me again. This incident further deteriorated my low self-esteem. However, I wept internally for some time, and then moved on. After a significant amount of time, I began liking another girl. However, as I was too afraid to tell her, I didn't! But I needed to tell someone and get those feelings off my chest, so I decided to tell my "friend". I told him not to tell anyone, yet he did, and ultimately even she came to know. She was angry and embarrassed. I thought it was not a big deal, so I decided to talk to her. One day I told her a joke. I think it was some silly childish joke (something like why did the scarecrow win an award? Because it was out-standing in its field). She frowned and didn't say anything. She later called me '*****' and 'dumb'.

In the next year of school, coincidentally, she was made to sit right next to me. She was obviously hesitant. I heard her murmur under her breath, "oh sh*t, oh sh*t, why me?", over the course of the year, she became friendlier, but she continued to tell bad things about me to others. She thought I didn't come to know, but I did (introverts are more perceptive than extroverts think they are). Again, I wept internally for a few days, and thought it best to move on.

This year, a girl came to talk to me a few times at school. Generally, no one goes out of their way to talk to me, at least not anything good, so I began liking her a bit. Owing to previous incidents, I didn't try to be friends with her or anything, but during April, I began feeling particularly brave for some reason. I tried to get to know her more, but now, she gradually completely stopped interacting with me. She always hung out with a friend group, so I felt awkward speaking to her while in the group, so I tried to converse via text. She responded to my texts always after a long time, but that can be explained by assuming she was just busy. But then came a time when she did not reply at all, like she just saw the text, but did not reply. I took this as a sign that she was not interested in me as a person. Again, wept inside for a few days, and then moved on. She even stopped talking to me at school. However, off late she began talking to me again in class. But I am trying not to get attached. It seems to me that it is a cause of embarrassment for them that "a guy like ME" has a liking for them, probably like loss of honour haha.

Honestly, I can deal with rejection, but what's with the mocking, insulting, or plain ignoring? If it were just one person, I would have assumed they were just an arsehole, but all three of them showed similar responses, which makes me think, am I in the wrong somehow? I am always open to improving myself as a person, but I don't understand what I may have done wrong here. I tried to interact in the most warm and friendly manner possible. I always try to work towards being the best possible version myself. I would not say I am the best version of myself, far from it actually, but I am trying! I am trying to overcome my low self-esteem and related problems. I have always sought an emotional connection, not a "sexual connection", if that is even a thing. Some of the reasons for such responses may be that my face is conventionally unattractive, I am good in academics at school, so probably viewed as kind of a "nerd", am not that athletic, am possibly boring and have a dead sense of humour. But I focus more on the things under my control than the things that are not. I go to the gym, and try to cultivate knowledge within myself.

I also don't hate women/girls. Quite the contrary, in fact. If a girl wants to talk about any problem with me, I tend to be as empathetic and helpful as possible. I know that seemingly mundane things can have drastic effects on a person, so I am never quick to judge. Yet if there is need for improvement in me, I am open to it, only thing I don't understand what the problem is in this situation. If there's anything you guys would like to say/suggest, then I am open to it.
 
MB, listen carefully. Don't try to understand women/girls. You're in a really fluctuating time of your life and so are the people around you. Seriously, just forget about trying to get attached in any way to those you are attracted to. I know that sounds stupid, but seriously, I wish I knew this when I was younger. Just concentrate on making yourself the best you you can be, be it athletically, academically, whatever. The people you share the same arena at the moment will 99.999% for sure not have any bearing in your future life, so don't worry about them. Just work on yourself and come to the point where you don't need to rely on any of them to make your life happier, better. Don't become arrogant of course, be sociable when the invites happen, but just forget about making any serious connections. If they come to you, fine, go with it, but don't come across as needy and desperate for their attention. If they want a relationship, then they later cut it off, don't worry about it, just move on and keep thinking about getting yourself in the place you need to be. Women like a man who is sure of himself, isn't needy, is strong and can look after her, even the feminists want that deep down. Doesn't mean you have to be some aloof a-hole, just develop yourself, so later, if the worst case scenario is that you have to be on your own for a while, you'll have no problems with being 100% happy with who you are. Relationships aren't 50/50. They are 100/100. You should never look for someone to complete you. You have to be complete first, and same goes for the person you are attracted to. That is a good team. Neither should be dependent on the other. Get yourself into a strong position of a good education, good physical health and self confident in knowing you can cope without another. I wasted too much time on desperately wanting a girlfriend and wife, purely because I wanted to prove to myself I could be a better partner to someone than my dad was to my mum. Sure it's nice to have some affection in your life, but at that early stage in your life, it's much smarter to build a better foundation of YOU. Become awesome and you won't have any issues with people wanting to be with you. And also seriously, girls these days in school are too often really mean biiitches. Even to other girls. Much worse than boys. I know all this from raising three daughters and the issues that came with all that. Really, don't even worry yourself about trying to work all this out with them. Just let it all go, concentrate on your studies and get as educated as you can and later the rewards will come easier. It's hard to do because you want what so many others have, but you only see one part of that situation, and not all the issues that come with it at that age. Trust me. Get your mind on the track of making YOU the best you can and you will have better options in life.
 
Okay, first, Okie, what's with the big block of text? lol I can't read that this early, so I have no idea what he said and will likely repeat some of what he said.

Now, on to the actual purpose of the thread.....
Never be afraid to approach a girl. The concept seems daunting but you will never know what could happen unless you try. And if you do get a rejection, try not to let it make you bitter.

What type of girl are you going for? Is it the popular/pretty girls or is it a variety? The popular pretty girls are going to be the most likely to reject you because unless you are a sports star or one of the popular crowd, they fear being associated with you because they think it will make them look uncool. (Obviously this isn't actually true, but teenagers are overdramatic). Now, I'm not saying not to go for what you are attracted to, but attraction doesn't always come immediately. Sometimes it comes after you get to know someone. Don't get into a habit of having a "type" because in my opinion, one's "type" is not what they actually want/need. I would recommend just getting to know people, focus on getting friends, not necessarily a girlfriend. Find your people, get comfortable with yourself and work on your self esteem and anxiety issues. It will be much easier if you have a support system and have your issues in check more.

And speaking of overdramatic, literally all teenagers are. Even you at times, I imagine. Now, when we are talking about teenage girls, they tend to be SEVERELY overdramatic when they are with their friends, because heaven forbid they do anything they think their friends with disapprove of or that someone will say anything about. Aside from being overdramatic, there is one more thing you need to keep in mind. Most teenagers are filled with anxiety and terrified of being rejected or outcast, despite what some people might think. So, especially in high school, it is generally not a good idea to approach a girl when they are in a group.
 
MB, listen carefully. Don't try to understand women/girls. You're in a really fluctuating time of your life and so are the people around you. Seriously, just forget about trying to get attached in any way to those you are attracted to. I know that sounds stupid, but seriously, I wish I knew this when I was younger. Just concentrate on making yourself the best you you can be, be it athletically, academically, whatever. The people you share the same arena at the moment will 99.999% for sure not have any bearing in your future life, so don't worry about them. Just work on yourself and come to the point where you don't need to rely on any of them to make your life happier, better. Don't become arrogant of course, be sociable when the invites happen, but just forget about making any serious connections. If they come to you, fine, go with it, but don't come across as needy and desperate for their attention. If they want a relationship, then they later cut it off, don't worry about it, just move on and keep thinking about getting yourself in the place you need to be. Women like a man who is sure of himself, isn't needy, is strong and can look after her, even the feminists want that deep down. Doesn't mean you have to be some aloof a-hole, just develop yourself, so later, if the worst case scenario is that you have to be on your own for a while, you'll have no problems with being 100% happy with who you are. Relationships aren't 50/50. They are 100/100. You should never look for someone to complete you. You have to be complete first, and same goes for the person you are attracted to. That is a good team. Neither should be dependent on the other. Get yourself into a strong position of a good education, good physical health and self confident in knowing you can cope without another. I wasted too much time on desperately wanting a girlfriend and wife, purely because I wanted to prove to myself I could be a better partner to someone than my dad was to my mum. Sure it's nice to have some affection in your life, but at that early stage in your life, it's much smarter to build a better foundation of YOU. Become awesome and you won't have any issues with people wanting to be with you. And also seriously, girls these days in school are too often really mean biiitches. Even to other girls. Much worse than boys. I know all this from raising three daughters and the issues that came with all that. Really, don't even worry yourself about trying to work all this out with them. Just let it all go, concentrate on your studies and get as educated as you can and later the rewards will come easier. It's hard to do because you want what so many others have, but you only see one part of that situation, and not all the issues that come with it at that age. Trust me. Get your mind on the track of making YOU the best you can and you will have better options in life.
Okay, big block of text read. lol

I agree with all this. I went to a small school in a small town. I graduated with less than 20 people. Aside from one person in my graduating class, I rarely, if ever talk to any of them. Sure, if I see them, we exchange pleasantries, but that's it. They weren't my people, they were just people I got stuck with. Now small town, small school does mean I associated with more than just those who were in my class, but again, same thing. I see some of them occassionally, we exchange pleasantries, but that's it. They are just people I knew back then, they aren't in my life, they aren't special to me....hell, even some that I considered really good friends in high school are no longer in my life because life happened and we drifted apart. So yeah, these people are most likely not going to have any part of your adult life. Yes, there are "high school sweethearts" that last and make a go of it, but those are, more often than not, not strong enough to survive long term. College is a better place than high school to find your people. Clubs and groups are a better place to find your people.
 
I like what they said moustache badasss. Btw you seem hella smart for being a teenager. I also wanted to add my advice for the first time in this forum. Okay. Don't be soft. Not calling you soft. Just saying. Yeah, don't be soft.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top