Why do we self-isolate?

[Jessicat]

Nice hair

 

[LostintheBardo]

I think I just don't have much in common with most people.

 

[user 150037]

Same here. I'm seen as being 'different' myself. Some of us just aren't given a chance to prove ourselves simply because we don't fit into the social demographic of what's considered 'normal'.

LostintheBardo, I'm curious to know what it is that makes you feel you don't have much in common with most. If you don't mind me asking.

 

[LostintheBardo]

Where to even start?  I'm a 27 year old Kiwi male who is interested in the esoteric and spirituality, I'm an introvert, I don't like team sports for the most part(which sets you apart from most people in New Zealand) ,  I play guitar and Didgeridoo in an experimental band, I'm not into Hip-hop, I'm out of work while I try and make a career in music composition for video games and films,  I've got social anxiety,  don't have much experience with the opposite sex and have never had a real girlfriend. I could go into more depth but hopefully you sort of get the picture. 

I'm hoping to meet some more cool people once I get my new Didgeridoo and start busking with it,  also when my band finally gets gigging.  I seem to spend most of time reading at the moment.

 

[user 150037]

Ah, yes.

Lost, you inspire me to try and do more interesting stuff. I do write fiction now and again - but only when an idea hits me. I've only written a couple of fictions this year. I plan on writing more - but I have a major problem with procrastination. Been putting focus on finding a job - my Christmas temp job ends tomorrow so I'll be back on the hunt.

Hope your career takes off.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Probably 99% of the time, people self isolate because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being judged, fear of people, fear of whatever. It's a pretty natural feeling, I think.
You just have to remember that if you don't risk anything, you will likely not get anything worthwhile.

Why do I self isolate? Well, I don't do it as often anymore, but I really don't get a chance to do it as often. My kids and my job and everything else keep me pretty busy, so I don't really have time for much of anything else. I am on several committees now, so it's harder for me to hide from the world like I used to. I think mine self isolation had more to do with what I thought of myself than what I thought others thought of me. Now, I just don't really care all that much.

 

[Minus]

I'm okay with small talk. Not every conversation has to be meaningful or personal.

It can serve a valuable purpose.

 

[Jently]

I'm okay with small talk. Not every conversation has to be meaningful or personal.

It can serve a valuable purpose.

Yes it can if you can do it. I can't.  It's either deep and meaningful or nothing at all for me.

 

[cosmosandmusiclover]

Where to even start?  I'm a 27 year old Kiwi male who is interested in the esoteric and spirituality, I'm an introvert, I don't like team sports for the most part(which sets you apart from most people in New Zealand) ,  I play guitar and Didgeridoo in an experimental band, I'm not into Hip-hop, I'm out of work while I try and make a career in music composition for video games and films,  I've got social anxiety,  don't have much experience with the opposite sex and have never had a real girlfriend. I could go into more depth but hopefully you sort of get the picture. 

I'm hoping to meet some more cool people once I get my new Didgeridoo and start busking with it,  also when my band finally gets gigging.  I seem to spend most of time reading at the moment.

You sound really cool! Romantic relationships are NOT everything, and they are a lot of work, as I can tell you from having been in one for a bit over 8 years. I love my guy, don't get me wrong, but if it for some reason just didn't work out, I wouldn't make an effort to get into another relationship. I play guitar and I love that you also play Didgeridoo and that you're in an experimental band. I hope your music takes off!

You guys all got me thinking about the fear of rejection and abandonment being part of it. I think actually I self isolate out of fear of rejection as well. Because I'm not naturally "good" at socializing and it's a "which came first, the chicken or the egg" scenario: was I bad at socializing all along, or did being "socially starved" make me WEIRD? Like, if it's someone I really like I can just talk up a storm. And I sincerely DO want to hear what the other person has to say, but I get carried away, and since I have ADHD I can be really tangential. That has to be offputting. I don't blame people for pulling back a bit, if that's indeed what causes people to kind of pull back from me and either drop out of contact or just stop making the first move. The only person who was really vocal about my little "monologues" and really emphasized how annoying it is was an ex boyfriend who was kind of a prick about nearly everything, and very rarely gave me any praise or encouragement. No other "close" people in my life have said it was a dealbreaker for them. But I also seriously doubt people's ability to be honest and forthcoming about other people's negative traits; as a general rule I think people tend to avoid confrontation, and rather than give that kind of feedback, will just withdraw from the person who annoys them. Fine. But the thing is, when I bond with a person, I do become rather emotionally invested. The rejection is quite painful for me. As I move forward in life, I just find that I'm less and less motivated to take a risk and face what I view as the "inevitable" pain of an eventual rejection. I WILL **** up. I WILL be annoying or offputting enough that this person will withdraw from me. Yes, I have tried to work on it. My husband is like, "Yeah, you can talk a lot, but I LIKE listening to you," because he's not a very talkative person. The only person I can call a best friend is also really talkative, and we enjoy our conversations about "everything and nothing." We get hardcore and philosophical, and we have found that natural balance of give and take in a conversation where we give each other the floor equally. We've known each other for over 20 years, however. She and my husband are the only two people on this planet that I trust implicitly with my heart. Everyone else, I'm just like, "Maybe you won't reject me for being a weirdo, but you very likely will, so why even try to make a connection?"

 

[BeyondShy]

Probably 99% of the time, people self isolate because of fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of being judged, fear of people, fear of whatever.  It's a pretty natural feeling, I think.  
You just have to remember that if you don't risk anything, you will likely not get anything worthwhile. 

For myself that is 100% of the reason. I have a big fear of rejection. I think I will be given an affirmative "no!" if I even ask someone to coffee or something like that. Irrational, yes, but that's that.

I have a fear of being judged because damn it all that is what happens. I get judged every where and mostly when I am away from here because like everyone else here we spend most of our time away from this forum. But as luck would have it I get judged just as harshly when I am here and while you are right now no doubt getting ready to use that club emoji, that's the truth. And when you are judged by others so much the fear of people is not that far behind.

But your last sentence here says it all. You got to risk something and that's what I have not been doing. Which explains why my last year away from here has not been worthwhile.

 

[sometimesthewolf]

For me it's the fact that whenever I've tried to amend my social situation by attempting to make friends, it always resulted in pain, frustration and disappointment.  When I focus on accepting myself as a loner I actually start to feel better about myself.

This, absolutely. When one gets hit with unpleasant experience after unpleasant experience, you tend to just throw up your hands and decide to resign from the world or society altogether just to avoid the anticipated negative outcomes.

 

[user 150037]

That's it exactly. I guess being on some whats-app group via meetup isn't the same as having a group of friends who actually care about you and enjoy your company. That was part of my problem. But I do feel that the people on the group didn't give me a chance, and were looking for any feeble excuse to 'cast' me out like a gangrenous limb.

 

[morrowrd]

This is a really good thread, and I could have written it myself along with several of the responses.

Callie mentioned fear - alot of people don't realize or remember that fear isn't always about being afraid - there is healthy fear, which causes us to survive, (such has the fear/respect of fire for instance).  Being a loner is something I chose long ago, and instead of setting myself up for failure over and over, trying to reach out to others, accepting a life system to "go it alone" lifted a weight.  As I've mentioned before, the rest of the world is nosy, and as much as we try to isolate (insulate) ourselves from it, to avoid being hurt or disappointed, we still can run into problems at times. So when it comes to "us" - those who have decided to withdraw from the world as much as possible, we have to set up life systems and skills to deal with those times when we have to leave our "fort" - protective bubble, or when for whatever reason, people or events intrude. This has more to do with surviving, than caring about what others think about us.  And lets face it, at the end of the day, when we look back at situations (social mostly) where we succeeded, we feel more in control of our world.  Power is the key to not being frustrated or angry in life, and power is the feeling of being in control. That's what we want for ourselves.

 

[user 150037]

I wish there was a 'like' option.

 

[Chief broom]

For some it may be necessary to go through a period of isolation and remove themselves from the cacophony of voices/feelings/influences which could hinder introspection and dealing with inner turmoil/demons. This could be ridding oneself of a false identity or deep truth searching to find out who they really are. A burning away of any illusions. Self isolation to self-immolation and then phoenixing up out of the ashes.

 

[Amelia]

I used to isolate myself for many of the reasons the other users have mentioned, but I don't anymore because frankly, I can't deal with how lonely it is. 

So as much as small talk is exhausting, I do it anyway, except in smaller doses (instead of avoiding people altogether). And I categorise friendships (work friends, close friends, socialising buddies). With each group, I adjust my expectations and behave accordingly so I don't get hurt or disappointed. Like I can't be honest with my responses with my social buddies, but I can be a little more with close friends. 

Most importantly, I've stopped expecting emotional support from people. I used to get so hurt because I would listen to friends for hours, talk about their struggles etc, and yet even when I tell people (which is so rare) I am lonely or going through a rough time, they don't even call. Of course, it could be that they don't know how to console a sad person or that my situation triggers something for them. But at the end of the day, not talking to people about my life, makes it easier for me to get some company without the emotional ups and downs.

It's not healthy to keep everything bottled inside, but for now, meditation, yoga and other techniques have been helping me deal with stuff, without needing to talk to people

 

[Siku]

I'm okay with small talk. Not every conversation has to be meaningful or personal.

It can serve a valuable purpose.

Yes it can if you can do it. I can't.  It's either deep and meaningful or nothing at all for me.

Same. Sadly, I've gradually lost friendships over this. Once it becomes only small talk, I distance myself because I am likely to over think everything. I'm not one to pry and ask for your interest. My longest lasting friendships are ones where small talk isn't needed. In my own personal opinion, there's no point in keeping in touch if it's strictly out of guilt/boredom, or just for the sake of keeping in touch. There needs to be substance, not filler. For my own mentally clarity, I've grown to stay away from it as I get older. I only small talk as an ice breaker, to be polite, or to people who are just acquaintances.

I also absolutely dread awkward silence lol. I don't mean it in an constant stimulation sense, but rather that it shouldn't effect either of you. The vibes. If you can find someone whom this is never an issue. Keep them around!

Personally, I don't like to get close to too many people out of previous disappointment/mistrust or getting too flustered for not meeting others' unrealistic expectations. I'm more than fine with a small group of really close friends that I can be myself around and aren't easily offended/needy. Naturally, having a very small group of friends makes it highly likely you will be alone as they move on to better things or start a family, etc. That's where my self-isolation comes into play.

 

[BeyondShy]

I wish there was a 'like' option.

Then go to facebook.

 

[user 150037]

Ah, pah! lol. I hate facebook. That place is all about showing off and advertising how great your life is. This forum, however, is different - we offer support and advice, and unite in our troubles.

Not to be cynical.

 

[clover4you]

For me it's the fact that whenever I've tried to amend my social situation by attempting to make friends, it always resulted in pain, frustration and disappointment.  When I focus on accepting myself as a loner I actually start to feel better about myself.

I agree. It's just that coming to terms with being alone is the hard part. And sometimes you just want someone to chat with about your day. Just a little interaction to make you feel like a normal human being. But there are people out there who are completely okay with being alone. I've also realized many people don't really want friends, they just decide to get in a dissatisfying relationship and settle with someone. I used to be in a relationship years ago and I wasn't too happy and it was the loneliest I had ever been, even lonelier than being all by myself so I left real quick. Self-isolating is okay if you have the personality type that is comfortable with it. Better than being surrounded by friends you don't like cause that is even more lonely than being alone. I totally get where you're coming from hewhowalksalone