Why does my mom always choose bad men?

[Animelover10102]

Sorry for how long it is, I just need to vent a little about this.

Most of the guys my mom chooses are bad influences. My sister's dad went to jail for horribly assaulting my mom (not to mention his family almost shot my sister when she was young), and he recently got out, right before my sister's 18th birthday last year. My dad wasn't as bad. All he did was sell drugs, but he is changed now. He has a job, and is getting his life back together. My three little siblings' dad was way older than her, by about 20 years, he didn't have a job, he didn't know how to take care of his own children, and my family thinks he and his dad are in a car scamming business because they are somehow getting money, despite them not having jobs, or anything else like that.

Her current boyfriend is about 10 years older, bi-polar, and a biker. (She used to hate motorcycles, but now she is all over them.) He can really thoughtful, and funny. But his bi-polar side is just terrifying. He gets really angry, he talks to himself, he takes a ton a pills, he verbally assaults my mom (he doesn't hit her) and he gets angry when my mom tells him his kids are using him for his money,

Just yesterday, on our way to my sister's graduation, he made my mom cry, TWICE, over the phone, because he is angry that she works all the time. Then my mom goes on and on about how she doesn't need his drama, but just last night, she was cuddling up to him again. This happens all the time, but she always goes crawling back to him. He got so angry because two nights before, my mom wouldn't ride the motorcycle with him, because he was tired from taking way too medications. He was falling asleep at the Applebee's table, for Christ sake, but he was getting angry that my mom wouldn't ride with him. Like seriously? He could've killed my mom that night if she went with him.

Everyone around her sees what he is doing to her, but she can't. Me and my aunt keeping talking about how the right man has been standing in front of her the whole time; A guy she has known for YEARS. He is pretty cool, and funny, and doesn't get angry for no complete reason. He loves my mom, and my aunt and I can see it, but he just won't tell her.

If only she can see that she needs to leave her current boyfriend, because he is stressing her out to the point where I sometimes hear her saying that she is just "done" with everything and everyone. I don't want my mom doing something reckless because this a-hole is making her stressed.

If you ask me, my mom acts way more like a teenager than I do. I guess this is the consequence for having 5 children in a span of 18-19 years.

 

[Disaffected]

Shes a bad woman maybe?

 

[Nicolelt]

Shes a bad woman maybe?

I wouldn't say that at all.....


My stepmom was the same way if you hear about her past. She dated some real losers and bad guys. Some people have low self-esteem and feel like they can't do better. And because of this, sometimes they date someone that is not in their league (if you believe in those things). And some people, like my mom, just thrive on that drama, even if they say they hate it.

As far as the nice guy that is standing there in front of her, you can't make her love someone. He may love her, but you can't make her want him. Which sucks sometimes.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Sorry for how long it is, I just need to vent a little about this.

Most of the guys my mom chooses are bad influences.

Sometimes a persons just gotta get stuff off their chest. Sounds like Mom can't handle being alone.

 

[Disaffected]

Shes a bad woman maybe?

I wouldn't say that at all.....


My stepmom was the same way if you hear about her past. She dated some real losers and bad guys. Some people have low self-esteem and feel like they can't do better. And because of this, sometimes they date someone that is not in their league (if you believe in those things). And some people, like my mom, just thrive on that drama, even if they say they hate it.

As far as the nice guy that is standing there in front of her, you can't make her love someone. He may love her, but you can't make her want him. Which sucks sometimes.

We need to hold women responsible for their actions, just like the we do with the "bad men" nobody is forcing women to choose these "bad men".
And it is a choice.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Shes a bad woman maybe?

I wouldn't say that at all.....


My stepmom was the same way if you hear about her past. She dated some real losers and bad guys. Some people have low self-esteem and feel like they can't do better. And because of this, sometimes they date someone that is not in their league (if you believe in those things). And some people, like my mom, just thrive on that drama, even if they say they hate it.

As far as the nice guy that is standing there in front of her, you can't make her love someone. He may love her, but you can't make her want him. Which sucks sometimes.

We need to hold women responsible for their actions, just like the we do with the "bad men" nobody is forcing women to choose these "bad men".
And it is a choice.

Yes, it is a choice, but it's not always that simple. Low self esteem can make you do extremely stupid, self-destructive things.

 

[Disaffected]

Shes a bad woman maybe?

I wouldn't say that at all.....


My stepmom was the same way if you hear about her past. She dated some real losers and bad guys. Some people have low self-esteem and feel like they can't do better. And because of this, sometimes they date someone that is not in their league (if you believe in those things). And some people, like my mom, just thrive on that drama, even if they say they hate it.

As far as the nice guy that is standing there in front of her, you can't make her love someone. He may love her, but you can't make her want him. Which sucks sometimes.

We need to hold women responsible for their actions, just like the we do with the "bad men" nobody is forcing women to choose these "bad men".
And it is a choice.

Yes, it is a choice, but it's not always that simple. Low self esteem can make you do extremely stupid, self-destructive things.

And?

 

[Animelover10102]

Shes a bad woman maybe?

I wouldn't say that at all.....


My stepmom was the same way if you hear about her past. She dated some real losers and bad guys. Some people have low self-esteem and feel like they can't do better. And because of this, sometimes they date someone that is not in their league (if you believe in those things). And some people, like my mom, just thrive on that drama, even if they say they hate it.

As far as the nice guy that is standing there in front of her, you can't make her love someone. He may love her, but you can't make her want him. Which sucks sometimes.

We need to hold women responsible for their actions, just like the we do with the "bad men" nobody is forcing women to choose these "bad men".
And it is a choice.

Yes, it is a choice, but it's not always that simple. Low self esteem can make you do extremely stupid, self-destructive things.

And?

Guys, guys, no arguing. It's not really helping with anything.

 

[jaguarundi]

It is very sad that she is making these choices. Rather than go into what problems she has that are driving her to this, I want to say something about you.

None of what she does is your fault. Very likely you want to save her from these choices, but you are the child and she is the parent, and it is not your responsibility to do so. Even if you could, which you might not be able to in any case.

Don't become the parent, love her, yes, but don't get too old and responsible before your time. You can waste years of time, tears and anger on something you cannot change.

 

[Tiina63]

I agree with jagarundi. It is very, very sad what is happening and it does sound very much as though your mum has poor self esteem, but you cannot change her-only she can do that. It might be better if you focus more on yourself, on preparing for the sort of life you want to have. It sounds as though your aunt cares a lot about you all and you also have your siblings to give and get support from.

 

[Nicolelt]

I wouldn't say that at all.....


My stepmom was the same way if you hear about her past. She dated some real losers and bad guys. Some people have low self-esteem and feel like they can't do better. And because of this, sometimes they date someone that is not in their league (if you believe in those things). And some people, like my mom, just thrive on that drama, even if they say they hate it.

As far as the nice guy that is standing there in front of her, you can't make her love someone. He may love her, but you can't make her want him. Which sucks sometimes.

We need to hold women responsible for their actions, just like the we do with the "bad men" nobody is forcing women to choose these "bad men".
And it is a choice.

Yes, it is a choice, but it's not always that simple. Low self esteem can make you do extremely stupid, self-destructive things.

And?

Guys, guys, no arguing. It's not really helping with anything.

All I was saying is that I wouldn't say her mom is BAD. There are things in this world that make us make bad decisions, people should be accountable for them. I wouldn't go and tell her that her mom is a bad woman.

 

[Disaffected]

We need to hold women responsible for their actions, just like the we do with the "bad men" nobody is forcing women to choose these "bad men".
And it is a choice.

Yes, it is a choice, but it's not always that simple. Low self esteem can make you do extremely stupid, self-destructive things.

And?

Guys, guys, no arguing. It's not really helping with anything.

All I was saying is that I wouldn't say her mom is BAD. There are things in this world that make us make bad decisions, people should be accountable for them. I wouldn't go and tell her that her mom is a bad woman.

We can make blanket statements about men being bad but not women?

 

[Nicolelt]

Yes, it is a choice, but it's not always that simple. Low self esteem can make you do extremely stupid, self-destructive things.

And?

Guys, guys, no arguing. It's not really helping with anything.

All I was saying is that I wouldn't say her mom is BAD. There are things in this world that make us make bad decisions, people should be accountable for them. I wouldn't go and tell her that her mom is a bad woman.

We can make blanket statements about men being bad but not women?

I wasn't going there at all. I know bad women as well.

 

[Disaffected]

And?

Guys, guys, no arguing. It's not really helping with anything.

All I was saying is that I wouldn't say her mom is BAD. There are things in this world that make us make bad decisions, people should be accountable for them. I wouldn't go and tell her that her mom is a bad woman.

We can make blanket statements about men being bad but not women?

I wasn't going there at all. I know bad women as well.

Also you keep saying things "make" these women do bad things, consciously or not you're removing responsibility from women, but men are just bad.When a man does something bad then hes just bad, when a woman does something bad something "made" her do it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Guys, guys, no arguing. It's not really helping with anything.

All I was saying is that I wouldn't say her mom is BAD. There are things in this world that make us make bad decisions, people should be accountable for them. I wouldn't go and tell her that her mom is a bad woman.

We can make blanket statements about men being bad but not women?

I wasn't going there at all. I know bad women as well.

Also you keep saying things "make" these women do bad things, consciously or not you're removing responsibility from women, but men are just bad.When a man does something bad then hes just bad, when a woman does something bad something "made" her do it.

They are still responsible for their actions, IMO. I've been in situations like that. Staying with bad guys because I didn't think I could get or deserved better than that. And I fully own up to my mistakes and my part of what was wrong with the relationship and for not leaving sooner.

HOWEVER, because of what I went through, I was able to get help for myself that I doubt I would have gotten if not for those types of relationships.

Both men AND women do bad things, but to say they are BAD PEOPLE for doing those things doesn't always apply.

 

[Nicolelt]

Guys, guys, no arguing. It's not really helping with anything.

All I was saying is that I wouldn't say her mom is BAD. There are things in this world that make us make bad decisions, people should be accountable for them. I wouldn't go and tell her that her mom is a bad woman.

We can make blanket statements about men being bad but not women?

I wasn't going there at all. I know bad women as well.

Also you keep saying things "make" these women do bad things, consciously or not you're removing responsibility from women, but men are just bad.When a man does something bad then hes just bad, when a woman does something bad something "made" her do it.

I really don't understand why you are jumping down my throat about this...I think people should take responsible for what they do. I was in an abusive relationship once, and I was stupid. I was my fault that I stay in the relationship. I then left, and now I have been single for 2 years, dated a little bit, but never had another boyfriend. I know what I did was wrong for my life, and I have moved one. Am I a bad woman then?

 

[Disaffected]

All I was saying is that I wouldn't say her mom is BAD. There are things in this world that make us make bad decisions, people should be accountable for them. I wouldn't go and tell her that her mom is a bad woman.

We can make blanket statements about men being bad but not women?

I wasn't going there at all. I know bad women as well.

Also you keep saying things "make" these women do bad things, consciously or not you're removing responsibility from women, but men are just bad.When a man does something bad then hes just bad, when a woman does something bad something "made" her do it.

They are still responsible for their actions, IMO. I've been in situations like that. Staying with bad guys because I didn't think I could get or deserved better than that. And I fully own up to my mistakes and my part of what was wrong with the relationship and for not leaving sooner.

HOWEVER, because of what I went through, I was able to get help for myself that I doubt I would have gotten if not for those types of relationships.

Both men AND women do bad things, but to say they are BAD PEOPLE for doing those things doesn't always apply.

"but to say they are BAD PEOPLE for doing those things doesn't always apply."

"I've been in situations like that. Staying with bad guys"

:/

---

Men BAD. Woman GOOD. get it!

 

[user 115627]

Yes, there is a contradiction. We get it.
But by looking solely on this error and picking everyone's words apart, you're missing the big picture...

What everyone is trying to say is that people - no matter what gender - commit bad actions and make bad decisions from time to time. For reasons that are seldomly logical when you're looking at them from the outside. But that doesn't mean they are inherently bad or evil.

There usually a choice in life, but this choice is always influenced by a person's past - their upbringing and experiences. I'm not trying to shift responsibility away from anyone. I'm just saying that a mere observer can never fully grasp the development in which someone's personality was forged throughout their life.

 

[Disaffected]

Yes, there is a contradiction. We get it.
But by looking solely on this error and picking everyone's words apart, you're missing the big picture...

What everyone is trying to say is that people - no matter what gender - commit bad actions and make bad decisions from time to time. For reasons that are seldomly logical when you're looking at them from the outside. But that doesn't mean they are inherently bad or evil.

There usually a choice in life, but this choice is always influenced by a person's past - their upbringing and experiences. I'm not trying to shift responsibility away from anyone. I'm just saying that a mere observer can never fully grasp the development in which someone's personality was forged throughout their life.

All we have to go on here is words. And in those words we can see that even though people may be saying one thing consciously, subconsciously they are saying something completely
different. Don't call people bad, maybe they are with the bad men because they are depressed and think that's all they can get.
So we have the women being stripped of any responsibility for their actions, while the men are being labeled bad.

That's what I'm saying too.

100% agree.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Men BAD. Woman GOOD. get it!

I'm not sure where you are getting this statement from. Both Nicolelt and I have stated that all women are not good.

I know men who have been in numerous bad relationships because of the woman. However, this thread is about a woman, so we are giving the OP examples of what WE have been through and why we stayed or how we survived or whatever. I can only speak for myself and my experiences. That's all the advice I have a right to give. Being as I'm a woman, I'm going to give my own experiences and since I have not dated women, I can't say much about that. So yes, I have been with bad GUYS....not women.

Also, perhaps you missed the part of my last post where it said I own up to MY mistakes and what I did wrong in the relationship.