Woman said she didn't find me handsome

[Kianda]

[...] For reasons that are far too complex and numerous to enumerate, yet obvious when you think about it, nothing anyone says can be an absolute truth. How can it be, when all anyone's words are is their interpretation of reality ? [...]

This. Also, I heard it said somewhere that "Ideas can be revised".

 

[Restless soul]

Restless, I glanced at several of your threads, to see if I could detect patterns, because it seems like there is a recurring pattern of thinking that you are falling victim to, and a deeper problem that needs to be addressed. I'm not just going to tell you what you want to hear ... be certain of that, because that would constitute a colossal waste of time.

Asking a question - I think that, unfortunately, the only effective way to ensure that you don't get answers you don't like, is to ... not ask a question ... and even then, you may still get unsolicited answers. Or, you could lock yourself up in a remote cabin in Maine. But unfortunately, at some point, you'll have to go to a grocery store where you will likely see another ... person ! He/she might have some wonderful remark in store for you that could foil your best laid plan and devastate your mood. I think you see where I'm going with this. By being a part of this world, we are, for better or for worse, making ourselves completely vulnerable to interaction with other people ... whether on Craigslist, or at Starbucks, or on the street. Harsh reality. Not intending to sound like a broken record, I insist on quoting Eckhart Tolle ... "It is insane to resist what is and cannot be otherwise." If you don't want an answer, don't ask a question.

Control - Let's make the reasonable assumption that you do intend to make yourself vulnerable by interacting with others. Now, you have absolute and complete control over what you say to /ask others. After that point, see that you are now completely at the mercy of what others have to say. It's as if you have hit a tennis ball to the other side, and are waiting for the opponent to hit it back. You can't control what the other person is going to say or why ... absolutely not. You can expect people not to be "rude" or "inconsiderate" or provide "constructive criticism", but you can't control  their minds or mouths ... first off, because that's just the way it ******* is. But, moreover, do you realize what a boring place this Earth would be if you could control what the other person says ? Would you even want that kind of predictability ? If you did, why don't you just email yourself saying, "Dude, Restless, you are ******* hot. I would do you in a New York minute." ? You are free to ask whatever you want, others are free to respond in any way they want, and then, you are free to interpret the response any way you want. So, ask yourself - what is it you have control over, and then focus on that.

Tomorrow, if someone you don't find attractive asks for your opinion, you can be very polite to her ... that's in your control. As an aside, if you don't find yourself attractive or fit, take steps to bring about the change you want (exercise, clothing, whatever). Again, that's something you can control.

Taking advice with a grain of salt - For reasons that are far too complex and numerous to enumerate, yet obvious when you think about it, nothing anyone says can be an absolute truth. How can it be, when all anyone's words are is their interpretation of reality ? Sometimes, there may be something (or a lot) useful to be gained from what is said, but it is never going to be an absolute truth ... you could think of it as a small piece of data that you can either completely trash or extract something useful from. And, often, the partial truth to be gained is hidden under layer(s) of complexity. You might have to read between the words/lines to extract something from it.  Don't immediately dismiss it ... there may be a nugget of Gold hiding below the rock

Example - Someone says, "You look scary. Why aren't you smiling ?". Now, at first, that pisses you off, but once you put emotions aside and assess that statement, you might conclude that "People tend to prefer pictures with smiles." ... now, that may be useful to you in your dating pursuits, because you may have just found a way to attract more women. So, part of what was said was trash ... "You look scary." ... nothing more than an interpretation/opinion. But, you got something useful out of it ... as a result of that comment, you have now uploaded a new picture with a dazzling smile and you're dating half the women in NYC. Take all advice with a grain of salt, including this post of mine

Want change ? Take steps - Reiterating two points already mentioned above ... 1 - If you don't like the way you look, see if you can change yourself. 2 - If you want better dating results, take feedback (esp. feedback that pisses you off), extract the useful information from it, and implement the changes. More generally, ask yourself what you would like to change in your life and do something to bring those changes about. The Einstein quote - "Insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results"

Forum vs real life - It's fine that you are posting updates here on what's going on with you ... it's nice to have a community that will, at least, listen to you, and it's nice to vent frustrations. But, don't count on it giving you a magical answer or solution to your problems. I'm sure you know in your bones that the real changes in your life are going to come from the work you (and I, and everyone else) do on yourself. Look within yourself, explore what is bothering you, ask yourself what really matters to you in life, and focus on those things. I'm not saying, "Just be positive and everything will come to you." ... that BS doesn't belong in any of my posts. Find out, given your strengths and weaknesses, your priorities, and your constraints (money, time, etc), what is it that you can do to bring about the change you wish to see.

You're a good egg, Restless

Whoooaa. How did I miss this. I appreciate the time you took for that very thought out and insightful reply. I missed it because i dont get notified for every posting and I just try to be as active as possibe with my threads. But thanks. And why have I not seen you around latley??

 

[Forsaken-Knight]

"she kinda came out and said she didnt think I was handsome. Which is odd.
Becuse A. Why would you say that to someone you are planning on meeting?"

Because not handsome does not mean unattractive (in my opinion). 

However, she (and her friend) have criticised your appearance, which has understandably upset you and made you feel anxious about meeting her. 

Perhaps you fear that if you were to meet she would be even more critical of you? 

She made you feel uncomfortable about yourself, and because of this I would not invest emotionally into this girl at this stage.

Thanks for reminding me of this, great way to start the day. 
But I feel I should reply if I am active here. So like my last thread, rude cl reply. And others. It comes as nno surprise I have self-esteem issues. Poor self image. So whether this person had trouble expressing herself. Or was just being honest. Or being an idiot. Once someone says something that cuts me deep. Why woukd I meet?  QQuite obvious

Here is something I recently read.  We are nothing but good genes and bad genes...good habits and bad habits...shyness...low self confidence..low self esteem...are NOT genes....there for they are bad habits.  And what can we do with bad habits?

 

[Forsaken-Knight]

Restless, I glanced at several of your threads, to see if I could detect patterns, because it seems like there is a recurring pattern of thinking that you are falling victim to, and a deeper problem that needs to be addressed. I'm not just going to tell you what you want to hear ... be certain of that, because that would constitute a colossal waste of time.

Asking a question - I think that, unfortunately, the only effective way to ensure that you don't get answers you don't like, is to ... not ask a question ... and even then, you may still get unsolicited answers. Or, you could lock yourself up in a remote cabin in Maine. But unfortunately, at some point, you'll have to go to a grocery store where you will likely see another ... person ! He/she might have some wonderful remark in store for you that could foil your best laid plan and devastate your mood. I think you see where I'm going with this. By being a part of this world, we are, for better or for worse, making ourselves completely vulnerable to interaction with other people ... whether on Craigslist, or at Starbucks, or on the street. Harsh reality. Not intending to sound like a broken record, I insist on quoting Eckhart Tolle ... "It is insane to resist what is and cannot be otherwise." If you don't want an answer, don't ask a question.

Control - Let's make the reasonable assumption that you do intend to make yourself vulnerable by interacting with others. Now, you have absolute and complete control over what you say to /ask others. After that point, see that you are now completely at the mercy of what others have to say. It's as if you have hit a tennis ball to the other side, and are waiting for the opponent to hit it back. You can't control what the other person is going to say or why ... absolutely not. You can expect people not to be "rude" or "inconsiderate" or provide "constructive criticism", but you can't control  their minds or mouths ... first off, because that's just the way it ******* is. But, moreover, do you realize what a boring place this Earth would be if you could control what the other person says ? Would you even want that kind of predictability ? If you did, why don't you just email yourself saying, "Dude, Restless, you are ******* hot. I would do you in a New York minute." ? You are free to ask whatever you want, others are free to respond in any way they want, and then, you are free to interpret the response any way you want. So, ask yourself - what is it you have control over, and then focus on that.

Tomorrow, if someone you don't find attractive asks for your opinion, you can be very polite to her ... that's in your control. As an aside, if you don't find yourself attractive or fit, take steps to bring about the change you want (exercise, clothing, whatever). Again, that's something you can control.

Taking advice with a grain of salt - For reasons that are far too complex and numerous to enumerate, yet obvious when you think about it, nothing anyone says can be an absolute truth. How can it be, when all anyone's words are is their interpretation of reality ? Sometimes, there may be something (or a lot) useful to be gained from what is said, but it is never going to be an absolute truth ... you could think of it as a small piece of data that you can either completely trash or extract something useful from. And, often, the partial truth to be gained is hidden under layer(s) of complexity. You might have to read between the words/lines to extract something from it.  Don't immediately dismiss it ... there may be a nugget of Gold hiding below the rock

Example - Someone says, "You look scary. Why aren't you smiling ?". Now, at first, that pisses you off, but once you put emotions aside and assess that statement, you might conclude that "People tend to prefer pictures with smiles." ... now, that may be useful to you in your dating pursuits, because you may have just found a way to attract more women. So, part of what was said was trash ... "You look scary." ... nothing more than an interpretation/opinion. But, you got something useful out of it ... as a result of that comment, you have now uploaded a new picture with a dazzling smile and you're dating half the women in NYC. Take all advice with a grain of salt, including this post of mine

Want change ? Take steps - Reiterating two points already mentioned above ... 1 - If you don't like the way you look, see if you can change yourself. 2 - If you want better dating results, take feedback (esp. feedback that pisses you off), extract the useful information from it, and implement the changes. More generally, ask yourself what you would like to change in your life and do something to bring those changes about. The Einstein quote - "Insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results"

Forum vs real life - It's fine that you are posting updates here on what's going on with you ... it's nice to have a community that will, at least, listen to you, and it's nice to vent frustrations. But, don't count on it giving you a magical answer or solution to your problems. I'm sure you know in your bones that the real changes in your life are going to come from the work you (and I, and everyone else) do on yourself. Look within yourself, explore what is bothering you, ask yourself what really matters to you in life, and focus on those things. I'm not saying, "Just be positive and everything will come to you." ... that BS doesn't belong in any of my posts. Find out, given your strengths and weaknesses, your priorities, and your constraints (money, time, etc), what is it that you can do to bring about the change you wish to see.

You're a good egg, Restless

Whoooaa. How did I miss this. I appreciate the time you took for that very thought out and insightful reply. I missed it because i dont get notified for every posting and I just try to be as active as possibe with my threads. But thanks. And why have I not seen you around latley??

Whoaa is right!!
This is DEAD ON...Want change ? Take steps - Reiterating two points already mentioned above ... 1 - If you don't like the way you look, see if you can change yourself. 

gospel right here folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Restless soul]

Yes, you are right when you say I can't shelter myself from society and become so delicate where I can't face anyone that is what I am straggling with. It's like a bi -polar thing. I can be fine, even confident with my looks how I feel. But the second someone makes a comment. " you look like this guy I know" or " you look scary" my question som, is how not to let it bother me. I can't seem to not let it. Just takes over

 

[Forsaken-Knight]

There are no UGLY people...ONLY LAZY ONES!!!

 

[Restless soul]

The best example of would be someone with acne scars lets say. Or something that affects thier general aoperance. What if it cripples their self-esteem so much when they see someone else with acne? Or someone else with perfect skin because they wish they havent suffered. That is the degree of pain I feel to what you might think is a benign comment

 

[sothatwasmylife]

The best example of would be someone with acne scars lets say. Or something that affects thier general aoperance. What if it cripples their self-esteem so much when they see someone else with acne? Or someone else with perfect skin because they wish they havent suffered.  That is the degree of pain I feel to what you might think is a benign comment

But isn't this constant preoccupation with your appearance possibly damaging to those who actually do have real difficulties to deal with, it seems in some ways quite selfish of you to not take into consideration that others who view this forum, this thread may have real challanges in this regard, what about their sensitivities, what about thier self esteem ? or is that of no significance to you ?

 

[Restless soul]

The best example of would be someone with acne scars lets say. Or something that affects thier general aoperance. What if it cripples their self-esteem so much when they see someone else with acne? Or someone else with perfect skin because they wish they havent suffered.  That is the degree of pain I feel to what you might think is a benign comment

But isn't this constant preoccupation with your appearance possibly damaging to those who actually do have real difficulties to deal with, it seems in some ways quite selfish of you to not take into consideration that others who view this forum, this thread may have real challanges in this regard, what about their sensitivities, what about thier self esteem ? or is that of no significance to you ?

Excuse me. Isn't apperance a root cause with self-esteem?
Who said it's not a real issue? Maybe I have some of the examples I used above

 

[Restless soul]

Could be many here can relate. I think my posts and the replies can be informative and helpful. Not sure why you take issue

 

[Somnambulist]

Whoooaa. How did I miss this. I appreciate the time you took for that very thought out and insightful reply. I missed it because i dont get notified for every posting and I just try to be as active as possibe with my threads. But thanks. And why have I not seen you around latley??

You're welcome I haven't been around much because I usually don't speak until and unless I have something (I think is) useful to say. I've actually been on one of my other forums - Eckhart Tolle discussion community, more than I have been here.

There are no UGLY people...ONLY LAZY ONES!!!

Hehe ... right there is a Golden nugget of wisdom ! I agree ... anyone can look "good" if they take care of themselves, working with their constraints, of course.

Restless, you will love this ! ...
Once, a woman in a Walgreens came up to me, in the condom aisle (of all places). She told me I look like I could be in Hollywood, BUT, my nose was too big, and my hair needed to be a bit longer. :club:

For the next whole week, I kept checking my nose in the mirrors. I even asked the woman I was then dating, about it. My nose is one of my constraints.

 

[Restless soul]

I do love it. Thanks for sharing

 

[Kianda]

[...] But the second someone makes a comment. " you look like this guy I know" or " you look scary" my question som, is how not to let it bother me. [...]

People say things like this so quickly that one has barely time to think before it gets to our emotions.

I'm not sure if it's entirely under your control (if it bothers you, it bothers you).

When you feel calmer, you can approach the problem from a different perspective.

For example, you can't instantly change someone's opinion of you but you can think about how you respond.

You are entitled to feel bothered - and also to have your own opinion on whether you agree with it.

 

[Restless soul]

[...] But the second someone makes a comment. " you look like this guy I know" or " you look scary" my question som, is how not to let it bother me. [...]

People say things like this so quickly that one has barely time to think before it gets to our emotions.

I'm not sure if it's entirely under your control (if it bothers you, it bothers you).

When you feel calmer, you can approach the problem from a different perspective.

For example, you can't instantly change someone's opinion of you but you can think about how you respond.

You are entitled to feel bothered - and also to have your own opinion on whether you agree with it.

Right true. Very logical. I must have a deeper issue that this is tied into that the affects linger so long where is becomes an unhealthy obbsession

 

[Somnambulist]

Yes, you are right when you say I can't shelter myself from society and become so delicate where I can't face anyone that is what I am straggling with. It's like a bi -polar thing.  I can be fine, even confident with my looks how I feel. But the second someone makes a comment. " you look like this guy I know" or " you look scary" my question som, is how not to let it bother me. I can't seem to not let it. Just takes over

Yes, I understand the taking over. That's the brain. There are certain parts of our brain responsible for those reactions (Google "Amygdala"). So, I'm not saying it's easy. It's not a snap out of it kinda thing. I realize that. But, hopefully, the realization can occur over time.

I can't convince you of the following. I'm just going to say it, and then it's up to you to realize it for yourself, if/when you're ready for it.

Impermanence - Mindfulness has been compared to watching leaves passing by on a stream of water. Like that, you can watch your thoughts passing through your mind.

Let me ask you a fundamental question - What in your life is permanent ? What stays with you from birth to death ? One thing - you. And your job, your youth, your friends, your spouse, your house ? They come and go; they are transient and fleeting. You can argue till you're blue; but this is a fact.

All the people you meet, all those remarks they make about your looks, everything ... are like leaves flowing downstream through your life. You can choose whether you hold on to them or just let go of them and watch as they pass through.

I think what I'm trying to convey is ... what is most important is what is lasting; everything else is secondary. Your inner state is what is most important to you ... how you view yourself, how you treat yourself. Everything in the outside world is secondary, including potential dates on Craigslist and the remarks they make, because they will come and go, but you will remain.

Noise - The brain is like a gland that constantly secretes thoughts. Scientists approximate about 98% of thoughts to be repetitive and ultimately useless. Try to remember the last time you were driving along the highway, and you suddenly remembered something random, like the neighbor playing loud music and it bugging the **** out of you, and then you encounter a thought stream like the following ...

Why was the neighbor playing loud music at 1 am ? -> The building should enforce "quiet time" rules -> If that happens again, I'm going to complain to the manager -> Oh wait, I've already done that -> I should move out of the building -> Oh crap, I don't have the money to move anywhere else right now -> What the F ? Why am I thinking about this right now ?

Have you ever caught yourself in such a useless loop of thoughts that you thought the previous day or everyday for the past 5 years ? And, what value do those thoughts provide ? They just come and go ... most often without serving any useful purpose.

Now, imagine that the person doing this useless thinking is the person who has just told you that you look scary. Why do you need to take it to heart ? It is just an outward manifestation of a thought in her brain. What value does someone's interpretation of reality have ? Why does it need to have power over you ? For that matter, why does anything anyone says need to have power over you ?

Roles - Or, let me put it a different way. What gives that person authority over you ? Authority to say you're not handsome, authority to make you feel bad, authority to judge you ? Have you heard the saying "You are what you think you are." ? It means that people assume roles all the time. Because these roles are not real, they are assumed. In the case of the Craigslist woman, she assumed the role of someone who gets to judge your looks. You assumed the role of the person being judged. It's almost like a ******* fantasy or drama that you two were playing out ! It's just a matter of perspective.

You could be the one saying she looks too old for you or not fit enough or whatever. All that requires is a shift in perspective, a reversal of roles. You become the critic, and she, the object of criticism.

In the end, none of that means much, it is like a blip in time, it is a tiny event in the cosmic dance of phenomena, it is a drop in the ocean of your existence, it comes and goes, but you stay. Consider the feedback. If you feel a change is required (smile), implement it and move on to the next person.

So, see if you can fall out of that role of the person being judged; then, it doesn't matter what anyone else says because you're not playing the role they want you to play.

Holding on or letting go - In the case of the Cragslist woman, you didn't like the interaction, you let go, and you watch the leaf flow away downstream. You choose to let go ... you do have that control.

On the other hand, when you have a positive interaction with someone, you meet someone you fall in love with, you may choose that you want to hold on to this person, this interaction, which is great ! You choose to hold on ! (till you have to let go at some later point)

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Could be many here can relate. I think my posts and the replies can be informative and helpful. Not sure why you take issue

Well yes I can only assume that you do as if you didn't we would have an entire thread devoted to your narcissistic preoccupation...and if you didn't you should consider those that are challenged in that way.

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Could be many here can relate. I think my posts and the replies can be informative and helpful. Not sure why you take issue

Well yes I can only assume that you do as if you didn't we would have an entire thread devoted to your narcissistic preoccupation...and if you didn't you should consider those that are challenged in that way...Sorry this post is not in context it relates to your "I may have those difficulties" it's an approximation of your post.

 

[Restless soul]

Sorry...you make no sense my friend. Try and articulate yourself better

 

[Restless soul]

Hey, sothatslife. If you do not like the topics of my threads. Then simply do not comment. This is a thread for helpful, supportive input. If you cannot do so and feel the need to be critical aland call people narcissistic. Then please stay away and make your own thread I promise I wont comment on it.

 

[Restless soul]

By the way someone the other day here posted about a redddit forum called forveralone, I was curious about it. Supposedly it seems to be very popular. It is similar to this but geared mainly towards guys who can't seem to manage to get into a relationship. A lot of posts regarding looks, self-esteem things I post about here. But this site has a nicer community and I been posting here for a while now. So I would appreciate it, so thatsmylife that you don't call out my posts because you think they are narssastic