Wondering how it could have been.

[Cavey]

Do you ever sit and wonder what could have been? How a relationship could have evolved if only you'd done something slightly different or you'd met at a different time? I seem to do this quite a lot and I don't think it's entirely healthy for me.

I've posted messages before about my failed marriage - receiving the divorce papers was the catalyst for my visits here. I was very immature and I treated my wife poorly. I was wholly absorbed with my own problems and I couldn't see that she was suffering too. I thought that just loving her was enough. I thought that the little things I did to show that I cared would make up for my lack of drive, my bad temper and the accompanying verbal abuse. Anyway, lets just say I was a useless husband. I have no doubt whatsoever that I deserved to lose her.

Now it's almost 7 years since I last set eyes on her and she still creeps into my thoughts and dreams. I imagine how things 'should' have been. I imagine how it would be if we'd got together now rather than then. I'm a completely different man now and a much improved human being. I know I'll never see her again, but I can't seem to get her (and the future I imagined us having) out of my head. A few people have stated in PMs that they think I still miss her or that I'm still in love with her, but how can that be when I haven't spoken to her in 7 years?

I do find myself hoping that she's happy now and that she's got the life she wanted; even though the thought of her married & having a family with someone else causes me discomfort. Maybe I am in denial after all...

If you got through reading all that, well done - cookies for everyone. I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Yep, do that all the time. Shouldn't though it's not healthy to do.

 

[ladyforsaken]

The "what ifs" that come through my mind always make me sad.. I guess it happens to everyone, can't help but wonder what could have been to stuff that happens in life. But like what Sci-Fi said, it's not very healthy. I do try to avoid it as much as I can. :\

I'm sorry you went through all that though :\ *hugs*

 

[ForGrantedWife]

I'm so happy that you were man enough to realize you did some things wrong and can admit it. That seems very rare in the divorced men I've personally talked to. They tend to put all the blame on the woman. I think you have a very good chance of being a good husband for another woman since you know what part of it you owned in the break-up and worked on yourself afterward. Please try again with someone else. You might not be able to get her back but you most certainly could get someone new if you'd try and work at it. And this time around hopefully would be different since you know what happened the last time. Treasuring a woman who loves you and showing her that is extremely important because women are such emotional creatures. We need reminded for the rest of our lives that we're loved by our significant other. I hope you feel better soon and are brave enough to get out there and meet a new lady.

 

[Garbageman]

Cavey I really admire the fact that you seem so honest with yourself. I feel like maybe the unhealthy thing is that you need to find a way to forgive yourself. Cavey people make many mistakes, I don't think there is a way to avoid that. The important part is not only that you recognize them, but you learn from them, and then forgive yourself so you can move forward. I feel for you its not easy to let go of mistakes, its all to easy to find yourself obsessing over them, thats not healthy, its one thing to reflect and remember your mistakes so you don't make them twice.

I don't know, I just hope that you can find a way to let go of the regret and move on, you seem deserving of that to me. Only you can decide when its right for you to let go, but I can try to offer you encouragement anyway right? Take care man, and I wish you the best.

 

[lostatsea]

Everyone has regret in their life. The most successful people are able to move past them. It is very natural for the thoughts to enter your mind, but how let them affect you is what will determine how you cope.

Will you sit there and dwell, letting what might have been in a perfect scenario dictate your life and make you sad? Or will you say, lesson learned and work on improving yourself and your life?

It's very easy for me to say, as I'm the type who dwells on regret and failures as well, but perhaps knowing and accepting will help you.

 

[GraceBlossom]

Cavey everyone above has said what I was thinking, and yes my head is full of if only it had been at another time too. Well done for acknowleding what happened, what strikes me in reading your post is that you need to forgive yourself somehow. Not sure how, but here ((((((((((hugs)))))))). Be kind to yourself.

 

[Cavey]

I'd like to thank everyone for giving me food for thought. I don't know whether I still haven't forgiven myself or if it's just a case of refusing to let go of the future I dreamed I'd have, but I know that I do feel guilty for the way I treated my ex-wife and I always wish that I could tell her how sorry I am.

I lost the most precious thing in the world to me and I have yet to find anyone that makes me feel anywhere near as special as she did. I can have friendships with other women, but I seem completely unable to form a romantic relationship. I don't particularly want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I tend to be one of those people that destroy the things they love. If I ever let myself care about someone the way I cared about her, then I run the risk of repeating the mistakes of the past and that's not something I ever want to do.

Either way, I just needed to get the thoughts out yesterday before they started to eat away at me. I feel much better today and I'm back to getting on with the things I have to do.

On an unrelated note, Grace's smile always cheers me up

 

[GraceBlossom]

I am glad you are feeling much better today, and I am glad my smile cheers you up *hugs*.