Your advice on leaving the past behind.

[Cavey]

As some of you know, I came here when I was going through a divorce and I wasn't really coping very well with it. I still loved my wife and would have been happy to reconcile despite not seeing her for a number of years.

Thankfully, 18 months later, I've moved on, and despite not being in a new relationship, I can accept that my ex-wife and I were never meant to be and that this part of my life is now over and done with.

Today, I was cleaning out some rooms in my house and I came across a large plastic container. When we split up I put every note, every card, and every token of love that she had given me across the entire course of our relationship in this large container. I also put the glasses we made our toasts with on our wedding day and things like that in it. I'm now wondering what I should do with them.

Part of me wants to keep them here, so that if I ever want to take a walk down memory lane, I can. Another part of me wants to throw it all in the garbage, but it seems 'wrong' for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it feels kind of heartless or maybe it's because it's the final thing I have left from our relationship and once it's gone, it'll be like it never happened.

I'm not even sure if there is a 'correct' course of action, so I'm asking for your opinion.

 

[Edward W]

Hmmm - I'd say put them away, one day you might want to look back, but maybe for now put them in the somewhere you won't see them, up in the loft or something.

 

[user 115627]

Surely it's tempting to keep these 'physical memories' as a reminder of the good days and out of respect as well of course.

But I wouldn't say it's wrong if you wanted to throw them away if you're looking for some sort of closure. And even if you did that the past wouldn't cease to exist. You'll still have the memories in your head and no one can take these away from you.

As you said, there is no right way to proceed here. But I think there's no truly wrong way either.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

I havent been here long enogh to have heard about your past etc., so if I may, even after all this time, I´m sorry for what have happened to you, it must have been tough, and I´m glad you are over it. You must be a strong person to do so, and a brave one to continue walking.
And as for the box. I dont have advice, but what I would do. I would take one thing, one memento, to have, and keep that, maybe even put it on a shelf. For no matter how things have hurt you, I dont like to forget things, or draw a line cutting them. I like to know my past, remember it, and embrace that I´m who I am because of it.
So thats what I would do. Not that its the right thing to do, or right for some people. I dont have a definite answer I´m afraid.

Wish you to be strong in this one, and end up with your head held up high!

 

[Cavey]

Thanks for the advice thus far, but I feel I should elaborate.

I'm not attempting to forget the past or wipe out the memories or anything - in fact that's the very reason I put the items in the box to begin with. I was worried that if I discarded them in haste then I would regret it later.

The kind of items that are in the box are of a highly personal nature. Most of it is letters that my ex-wife wrote me telling me how much she loves me, how amazing I am, how we'll be together forever etc. The cards are the same sort of thing. Obviously, these feelings were honest at the time, but now they're just words.

The only photos I'm discarding are ones of a sensitive nature that, in my opinion, I have no right to own anymore and I don't think I'd derive any pleasure from viewing them. I just burned those in the back yard.

My memories will remain intact regardless of what I eventually decide to do with the contents of the container... and I don't think I'd want it any other way. It's not a way to erase the past - although I can see that the title of the thread may make it appear that way - It's more a question of etiquette and whether keeping them actually serves any purpose.

I do kind of like the idea of keeping one thing. On the first day that we met in the flesh, she gave me a small, translucent, pink stone with the words 'You make my heart happy' printed on it. Maybe I'll put that somewhere safe and then decide what to do with the rest.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hmmm - I'd say put them away, one day you might want to look back, but maybe for now put them in the somewhere you won't see them, up in the loft or something.

I kinda feel like this. I had a box too. Of my first relationship stuff. I put it away where I couldn't see them. But then after awhile, as I have moved way way on.. there came a day when I felt it was time to let it all go. So I did. Trashed it all. The items may have been gone, memories will stay. And they're not all good memories, so perhaps it helped a lot for me to just remove the stuff just by thinking about the pain.. but what I'm saying is, there will probably come a time when you feel it's time to get rid of the stuff.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I don't think there's a correct course either. On one hand, I know how nice it can feel to rid oneself of a lingering shadow. On the other, it was once a part of you and a part of your life. I suggest to keep them. Not so you can desperately cling to any sense of that relationship, nor because strolling down memory lane is somewhere in your future. But because if you feel that it's heartless, don't regret doing something. I don't know you as well as some do, Cavey, but I can tell that you are not heartless. Even if you never open this container again, you may feel some solace in the simple fact that at the end of the day, you were not the heartless one.

 

[Cavey]

Well, after reading your thoughts and thinking long and hard, I have decided to dispose of all the letters, cards, notes etc. I think that I was only keeping them now out of some misplaced sense of duty. I don't think keeping them would have done me any good at all in the long run, so it's time to let go of these material things.

It does make me wonder about her though. I hope she's having a happy life now. Good luck, B.

 

[ladyforsaken]

*hugs* Cavey

 

[TheRealCallie]

Do you have children with her, Cavey?

I chose to keep some stuff from my ex, not necessarily for me, but for my kids. Someday, they may want to know the story of their parents and that's a good way to show them, IMO.

 

[sk66rc]

As some of you know, I came here when I was going through a divorce and I wasn't really coping very well with it. I still loved my wife and would have been happy to reconcile despite not seeing her for a number of years.

Thankfully, 18 months later, I've moved on, and despite not being in a new relationship, I can accept that my ex-wife and I were never meant to be and that this part of my life is now over and done with.

Today, I was cleaning out some rooms in my house and I came across a large plastic container. When we split up I put every note, every card, and every token of love that she had given me across the entire course of our relationship in this large container. I also put the glasses we made our toasts with on our wedding day and things like that in it. I'm now wondering what I should do with them.

Part of me wants to keep them here, so that if I ever want to take a walk down memory lane, I can. Another part of me wants to throw it all in the garbage, but it seems 'wrong' for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it feels kind of heartless or maybe it's because it's the final thing I have left from our relationship and once it's gone, it'll be like it never happened.

I'm not even sure if there is a 'correct' course of action, so I'm asking for your opinion.

I believe past relationships didn't work out for a reason, whatever it may be for different people... They say if you forget your past, you're doomed to repeat it... I guess it's a good thing to remember the past & learn from it... I personally don't have any attachments to my past relationships at all... From what it sounds like, I'm guessing you don't have any sort of attachments at all either, being that you moved on from it... I think it's always a good idea to just cut clean... Personally, I don't really have anything from past relationships... I have electric shaver ex girlfriend got me for my birthday once, does that count? Oh, yeah, & few shirts I still wear that I got from ex girlfriend... But I'm guessing we're talking about different things...

 

[Peaches]

if you DID have some good memories from that relationship, then it makes no sense to just through away everything, it's nice that you honor the good times that you two had together - but as someone said, giving away most of it sounds like a good idea, maybe just keep one or two things and possibly in a place where you don't see them all the time?

 

[Peaches]

if you DID have some good memories from that relationship, then it makes no sense to just through away everything, it's nice that you honor the good times that you two had together - but as someone said, giving away most of it sounds like a good idea, maybe just keep one or two things and possibly in a place where you don't see them all the time?

 

[Cavey]

Do you have children with her, Cavey?

I chose to keep some stuff from my ex, not necessarily for me, but for my kids. Someday, they may want to know the story of their parents and that's a good way to show them, IMO.

Unfortunately, we were unable to have children, so there are no kids to consider. I have to say that I do think that's a lovely idea though. Kudos to you.

if you DID have some good memories from that relationship, then it makes no sense to just through away everything, it's nice that you honor the good times that you two had together - but as someone said, giving away most of it sounds like a good idea, maybe just keep one or two things and possibly in a place where you don't see them all the time?

There are many good memories, but I don't require these items to bring them to mind. I couldn't possibly give any of it away - these are not impersonal items clothing, appliances etc. We're talking incredibly personal hand written notes, letters and cards, along with tokens symbolising love and other emotions.

I'm not discarding impersonal objects and gifts. I have a small leather container that my wife gave me that I keep all my change, keys and other things in to this day. Not to mention that I still live in the same house...

I have electric shaver ex girlfriend got me for my birthday once, does that count? Oh, yeah, & few shirts I still wear that I got from ex girlfriend... But I'm guessing we're talking about different things...

Yes, we're definitely talking about different things. I have loads of small impersonal items and furniture that I have no problem keeping.

 

[bobdog]

Today, I was cleaning out some rooms in my house and I came across a large plastic container. When we split up I put every note, every card, and every token of love that she had given me across the entire course of our relationship in this large container. I also put the glasses we made our toasts with on our wedding day and things like that in it. I'm now wondering what I should do with them.

Throw them out, no doubt in my mind.