Your personal opinions?

[Cherubino]

If they are not attractive to each other, why not? Being freinds with someone married can be more difficult...

actually it depends on how everyone projects the concept of "friendship" ... for me it would build too much intimacy and thus sexual tension that can be turned off only by the existence of another man

 

[4No1]

She's part of the support group, that's the trouble. I can't give that up as it's the only social outlet that I have. Plus she's kind and supportive of me - if I cut off contact she wouldn't have a clue why.

Well, that makes things more complicated.
Idk, I've heared there can be some issues with the support groups, probably, maybe it's better anyway not to get in a relationshop right now, and in this case I would keep it as it is till you or she can leave the group (and I don't suggest cut off the contacts before you explain her the reasons, only in a case she tells you, she doesn't want anything more than a friendship).
I'm not sure how does the support groups work, is there any superviser you can talk to privately? (don't mean you should, but maybe if thing get worse, you can talk to they).

 

[4No1]

actually it depends on how everyone projects the concept of "friendship" ... for me it would build too much intimacy and thus sexual tension that can be turned off only by the existence of another man

I define "friendship" as a close relationship without sexual tension

 

[TheRealCallie]

The problem is that it usually (not always) makes things weird and eventually it ruins the friendships because the crusher tries to hard not to let things change and the crusher walks on egg shells to not give the crusher signs that they are interested too.


A crush doesn't have to be a serious issue though, depending on the circumstances. I haven't read the replies and I don't recall your situation, but how are you with girls? Do you date? Have you had relationships? If not, could it be that she's nice and takes the time to talk to you and maybe that's why you are feeling this way? A crush doesn't have to lead anywhere unless you let it get out of control. Let her take the lead.

Analyze it. WHY are you crushing on her? What makes her different than a guy or an older woman who might do the same thing? Is it just the attention she gives or is it HER?

 

[user 150037]

Well, that makes things more complicated.
Idk, I've heared there can be some issues with the support groups, probably, maybe it's better anyway not to get in a relationshop right now, and in this case I would keep it as it is till you or she can leave the group (and I don't suggest cut off the contacts before you explain her the reasons, only in a case she tells you, she doesn't want anything more than a friendship).
I'm not sure how does the support groups work, is there any superviser you can talk to privately? (don't mean you should, but maybe if thing get worse, you can talk to they).

I could talk to our counsellor via email about it. They are - or at least, should be, bound by confidentiality in the event that someone wants to talk about something they don't want the rest of the group to hear?

 

[user 150037]

The problem is that it usually (not always) makes things weird and eventually it ruins the friendships because the crusher tries to hard not to let things change and the crusher walks on egg shells to not give the crusher signs that they are interested too.


A crush doesn't have to be a serious issue though, depending on the circumstances. I haven't read the replies and I don't recall your situation, but how are you with girls? Do you date? Have you had relationships? If not, could it be that she's nice and takes the time to talk to you and maybe that's why you are feeling this way? A crush doesn't have to lead anywhere unless you let it get out of control. Let her take the lead.

Analyze it. WHY are you crushing on her? What makes her different than a guy or an older woman who might do the same thing? Is it just the attention she gives or is it HER?

I've never dated or had any romantic relationships with women - girls in general have treated me with respect, but never really took much more of an interest in me beyond 'being nice'.

She's the first woman that's come along that's taken a genuine interest in spending time with me, and given me advice on things; I have opened up to her about how I was treated in high school and the fact that I've been lonely for 30-odd years. Everyone in the group has treated me with the same kindness, mind you; including older women and men.

I'm not sure. Maybe it's the fact that I see this amazing strength in her - she manages to have this bubbly, compassionate nature despite all the stuff she has to put up with in her life (neglectful parents, former abusive relationship, debt and an ex friend that keeps harassing her).

Every potential reason I can come up with, I could assign to the rest of the group. Or to other women I've met. :/

 

[WanderingInTheWoods]

I've had a few friends crushes and for a bit, it did make things awkward for a while, but over time things passed and we still continue to talk. This is normal and it happens in every case. I've had people who really liked me too and I didn't know about their feelings or was still in a dark place at the time when they came forward with liking me. Sometimes you can work it out, but if it causes problems, it's best to take a break from talking to one another for a bit.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

It depends on your mental fortitude and psychological perseverance.

When I was in my early 20s and both more insecure and less articulate AND less experienced, I would say it just to get it off my chest. Which was a healthy and alleviating thing. Unfortunately this is also the story of how I became an alcoholic in that I foolishly made a drinking game out of rejection. Which is also how I developed an appreciation for whiskey over vodka. Whiskey for no's, vodka for yeses. That part I probably could've done without, but I mean, nobody in their early 20s really knows wtf they're doing, they just think they do, myself included. That's normal, that's what your early 20s are supposed to be like.

Gradually as I got older and more experienced, more articulate, less insecure, and more used to rejection, I began to be able to internalize it better, so that now it's no longer an issue for me.

So I would argue that unless you're particularly skilled in internal management, it's probably better just to say it and get it off your chest. The best case is you end up with who you want, and the worst case is that you lose a friend, to which: You can't really lose what you never actually had, can you? Sometimes in life, you've gotta take a step back and try to break your own 4th wall.

Strategically, before doing either it's best to prepare for the potentiality for both potential outcomes. Just, don't do so by making it a drinking game. Actually, probably don't prepare for rejection with anything self-destructive, that'll do you no good. Instead, try to prepare for rejection with a positive counterweight of some kind. At least that way if you get rejected than it softens the blow to a level of indifference.

 

[user 150037]

Appreciate your thoughts, all.

I am quietly keeping her at a distance and I'm focusing on the other people in the group for the time being. We still see eachother on the peer support session (which is done over a zoom call) she'll give me her own thoughts during my turn, and I give her my thoughts during her turn, and that's that. Maybe it's cos we're not within close physical proximity, or maybe it's just because we're in a 'group' so it's not as bad.

Anyway, I'm doing my best not to be overwhelmed.