HauntedTexan
Member
I'm told that looking back on what could have caused my isolation now can help. If you have dealt with the same and overcome it, please let me know how.
As a kid, (promise this not be a novel
), we had to move every couple years due to an alcoholic dad getting us booted. Having to change schools, and always being the new kid, removed any chance of building lasting friendships. So, I eventually stopped trying because friends were always temporary. I've always been intelligent in school work, but a sense of future was an avoided topic, just make it out of the day alive ruled.
Now, as an "old guy", I find myself almost friendless, full of regret, and also remembering all the craziness of years gone by. I have never physically or mentally abused a wife, lover, or friend, been in jail, or even arrested, but hate to give up on at least a chance to feel love and compassion again.
Following in what youth taught me, I found a career that moved me all over the country, losing all concept of a hometown or roots. Never leaving much of a footprint anywhere I have lived and too easily forgetting those who live there. The exception being that my 1st wife and I remarried after having no contact for 28 years. We had 7 years together before cancer took her away, and her 2 adult kids, who live in 2 other states, that have thankfully stayed in my life.
So, here I am, living in a town I bought a house in to care for my mom, who passed within 2 weeks of moving here. My brother committed suicide a couple decades back, so family is gone. Being on full disability, along with a disabled vet income, I should be out enjoying what's left of life. But here I sit, wallowing in what was, coming up with more reasons why folks are better off without me being part of their lives.
What to do.... Voluntarily leaving this world is not an option since I firmly believe that would destroy all chances of being reunited with my late wife, or anyone I have traveled through this life with, or other lives with. Just want to not die alone or be found weeks after I pass. Simple, but extremely complex with the hermitage I have created here. If you made it this far, thank you, and peace to you and yours.
As a kid, (promise this not be a novel
), we had to move every couple years due to an alcoholic dad getting us booted. Having to change schools, and always being the new kid, removed any chance of building lasting friendships. So, I eventually stopped trying because friends were always temporary. I've always been intelligent in school work, but a sense of future was an avoided topic, just make it out of the day alive ruled.Now, as an "old guy", I find myself almost friendless, full of regret, and also remembering all the craziness of years gone by. I have never physically or mentally abused a wife, lover, or friend, been in jail, or even arrested, but hate to give up on at least a chance to feel love and compassion again.
Following in what youth taught me, I found a career that moved me all over the country, losing all concept of a hometown or roots. Never leaving much of a footprint anywhere I have lived and too easily forgetting those who live there. The exception being that my 1st wife and I remarried after having no contact for 28 years. We had 7 years together before cancer took her away, and her 2 adult kids, who live in 2 other states, that have thankfully stayed in my life.
So, here I am, living in a town I bought a house in to care for my mom, who passed within 2 weeks of moving here. My brother committed suicide a couple decades back, so family is gone. Being on full disability, along with a disabled vet income, I should be out enjoying what's left of life. But here I sit, wallowing in what was, coming up with more reasons why folks are better off without me being part of their lives.
What to do.... Voluntarily leaving this world is not an option since I firmly believe that would destroy all chances of being reunited with my late wife, or anyone I have traveled through this life with, or other lives with. Just want to not die alone or be found weeks after I pass. Simple, but extremely complex with the hermitage I have created here. If you made it this far, thank you, and peace to you and yours.
