Hi, everyone. I'm not quite sure what I think to gain from this, but for others to hear and maybe help if they've ever expeienced what I'm going through would be much comfort...
I'm Maria, I'm 17, and I have severe self-confidence issues. I guess it all began when I was 13 and was bullied by a boy at school, and ever since then I have become increasingly insecure about what others think about me, and about making friends, and I am almost even more scared of boys still. I recently realised I have developed social phobia (or social anxiety disorder), which is fairly common, but I guess often misunderstood. It means that through high school I have been unable to act normal around other teenagers my age, and constantly thinking that they critisice me and think I'm weird. They're obviously not but I still can't shake that horrible feeling that I'm a useless freak. It means that I don't have any friends at school , when I used to have loads.
Along with these feelings of insecurity, I am also ugly and I feel fat. Well, I'm not fat, just curvy, but because I'm ugly, being curvy doesn't make me feel feminine or beautiful, just stumpy and completly un-statuesqe. I feel disgusting and frumpy. Its probably worsened by how smart, slim and beautiful all the girls at school are. I feel so crappy in comparison I have stopped wearing makeup, as I feel like I'm just trying to kid myself into beleiving I'm actually pretty when I'm not, and wearing hoodies and jeans all the time.
My recent self-blow is my eating disorder. Its not serious, I just have developed this starving-binging diet which has made me put on more weight and feel terrible, but I can't get out of it. I have made myself distant from everyone, even my old close friends, and couldn't possibly feel any worse. The only thing that keeps on going is my wonderful amazing family who mean the world to me, and who give me all the love I could need. Sometimes I feel selfish for crying and sobbing at night for some ethereal force like God, or a guardian angel to help me when I know I couldn't ever deserve their help, for there are so many worse off. I just don't know how I could make anyone love me If I can't love myself. Its recking my life and my future career - the only gift I have, singing. I have spent many years training, and I am fairly good, but my social anxiety disorder has disallowed me to perform infront of anyone due to stage fright and the thought of all those faces criticising me.
I'm sorry it is so long-winded, but the reason I posted this message was to see if anyone else shared the same problem, maybe the same chain of events that leads on from one emotional turmoil to another. If you do, I'm so sorry, and I know how much it hurts to be a shell of the peron you used to be.
I'm Maria, I'm 17, and I have severe self-confidence issues. I guess it all began when I was 13 and was bullied by a boy at school, and ever since then I have become increasingly insecure about what others think about me, and about making friends, and I am almost even more scared of boys still. I recently realised I have developed social phobia (or social anxiety disorder), which is fairly common, but I guess often misunderstood. It means that through high school I have been unable to act normal around other teenagers my age, and constantly thinking that they critisice me and think I'm weird. They're obviously not but I still can't shake that horrible feeling that I'm a useless freak. It means that I don't have any friends at school , when I used to have loads.
Along with these feelings of insecurity, I am also ugly and I feel fat. Well, I'm not fat, just curvy, but because I'm ugly, being curvy doesn't make me feel feminine or beautiful, just stumpy and completly un-statuesqe. I feel disgusting and frumpy. Its probably worsened by how smart, slim and beautiful all the girls at school are. I feel so crappy in comparison I have stopped wearing makeup, as I feel like I'm just trying to kid myself into beleiving I'm actually pretty when I'm not, and wearing hoodies and jeans all the time.
My recent self-blow is my eating disorder. Its not serious, I just have developed this starving-binging diet which has made me put on more weight and feel terrible, but I can't get out of it. I have made myself distant from everyone, even my old close friends, and couldn't possibly feel any worse. The only thing that keeps on going is my wonderful amazing family who mean the world to me, and who give me all the love I could need. Sometimes I feel selfish for crying and sobbing at night for some ethereal force like God, or a guardian angel to help me when I know I couldn't ever deserve their help, for there are so many worse off. I just don't know how I could make anyone love me If I can't love myself. Its recking my life and my future career - the only gift I have, singing. I have spent many years training, and I am fairly good, but my social anxiety disorder has disallowed me to perform infront of anyone due to stage fright and the thought of all those faces criticising me.
I'm sorry it is so long-winded, but the reason I posted this message was to see if anyone else shared the same problem, maybe the same chain of events that leads on from one emotional turmoil to another. If you do, I'm so sorry, and I know how much it hurts to be a shell of the peron you used to be.