Yaku
Active member
So a few days ago I posted a thread about how I felt out of phase with the world, like a ghost. Today I tried changing my mindset and just wanted to share my experience here.
I went out again today but with a more positive outlook. I dressed myself nicely and tried to be more relaxed. There was a marked difference in how people responded. At the store where I was basically ignored previously, people made eye contact and one guy even made a joke. I felt 'present' and relevant.
I bought myself a soft drink and drove to a mountain road not too far from home. I parked next to the road and sat on a large rock in the sun drinking my beverage. The cool breeze came up from the valley and the gorgeous countryside spread out below me. Everything felt right. I did not even think about loneliness. As if me being okay with myself for a change was all I needed. On the way home I listened to a song I hadn't heard for a while and the words were fitting: "look who's alone now, it's not me, it's not me".
So what changed between these two days? The world definitely did not. The only thing that changed was my attitude. Insecurity attracted negative events and feelings on the previous trip. Confidence attracted positive feelings and events on this one.
I'm starting to think that my loneliness is just a symptom of an underlying emptiness. And I'm starting to think that emptiness is not knowing myself, not valuing myself, and not being on my own side. Not selfishness but self worth. Maybe that's why when I was in a relationship I also sometimes felt alone.
Maybe if I'm okay with myself, I would not fall for controlling and manipulative people that initially appear to be a fix for what I lack. Maybe if I'm okay with myself my relationships would have a stronger foundation. And if I'm okay with myself, I would be okay alone. Like how I felt on that mountain today.
The main problem is accepting who I am, because I am far from perfect.
Anyway thanks for reading, and I hope there is some truth here someone could benefit from.
Love from your fellow loner.
I went out again today but with a more positive outlook. I dressed myself nicely and tried to be more relaxed. There was a marked difference in how people responded. At the store where I was basically ignored previously, people made eye contact and one guy even made a joke. I felt 'present' and relevant.
I bought myself a soft drink and drove to a mountain road not too far from home. I parked next to the road and sat on a large rock in the sun drinking my beverage. The cool breeze came up from the valley and the gorgeous countryside spread out below me. Everything felt right. I did not even think about loneliness. As if me being okay with myself for a change was all I needed. On the way home I listened to a song I hadn't heard for a while and the words were fitting: "look who's alone now, it's not me, it's not me".
So what changed between these two days? The world definitely did not. The only thing that changed was my attitude. Insecurity attracted negative events and feelings on the previous trip. Confidence attracted positive feelings and events on this one.
I'm starting to think that my loneliness is just a symptom of an underlying emptiness. And I'm starting to think that emptiness is not knowing myself, not valuing myself, and not being on my own side. Not selfishness but self worth. Maybe that's why when I was in a relationship I also sometimes felt alone.
Maybe if I'm okay with myself, I would not fall for controlling and manipulative people that initially appear to be a fix for what I lack. Maybe if I'm okay with myself my relationships would have a stronger foundation. And if I'm okay with myself, I would be okay alone. Like how I felt on that mountain today.
The main problem is accepting who I am, because I am far from perfect.
Anyway thanks for reading, and I hope there is some truth here someone could benefit from.
Love from your fellow loner.