M_also_lonely
Well-known member
This might sound silly, non-sense and irresponsible. I shouldn't be thinking this way. But I have been suffering from this for years now.
I cannot, "surrender" to God. I used to be a devotee and I used to indulge in worship everyday. But now, whenever I do so or try to do so, something terrible happens. The same day or the very next day. Whenever I let go of my guard and offer a prayer that is genuine, something bad happens.
Something so bad, that it makes me hate the idea of worshipping and God and religions.
I know this sounds totally silly. As a mature adult, I shouldn't be drawing false parallels but the 'terrible' things are really, really terrible and the desire to surrender is really really comforting. I just want to. I don't indulge in blind faith and beg for well being like many do while offering prayers. But there's a deep comfort when certain songs are sung. I want to enjoy them.
This has happened for more than 200 times over many years. Years ago, I offered prayers like a true devotee and the next day, I was diagnosed with subconjunctival hemorrhage. Another time, my sister assaulted me with her nails that left my arms bleeding. Another incident where I was falsely accused by my boss of stealing!!! I have seen this pattern every f--ing time!
I did the same thing yesterday and today I have conjunctivitis.
It leaves me with a constant discomfort and a 'burden' below my chest. I just want to surrender and let go and feel free. I don't seek a 'religious' answer, but rather an intellectual one to get rid of this, discomforting and hopefully silly thinking.
Its not that bad things only happen when I do this. The focus of this question is not about avoiding the bad things but my mind being stuck on the unbelievable coincidence that prevents me from being a devotee.
I cannot, "surrender" to God. I used to be a devotee and I used to indulge in worship everyday. But now, whenever I do so or try to do so, something terrible happens. The same day or the very next day. Whenever I let go of my guard and offer a prayer that is genuine, something bad happens.
Something so bad, that it makes me hate the idea of worshipping and God and religions.
I know this sounds totally silly. As a mature adult, I shouldn't be drawing false parallels but the 'terrible' things are really, really terrible and the desire to surrender is really really comforting. I just want to. I don't indulge in blind faith and beg for well being like many do while offering prayers. But there's a deep comfort when certain songs are sung. I want to enjoy them.
This has happened for more than 200 times over many years. Years ago, I offered prayers like a true devotee and the next day, I was diagnosed with subconjunctival hemorrhage. Another time, my sister assaulted me with her nails that left my arms bleeding. Another incident where I was falsely accused by my boss of stealing!!! I have seen this pattern every f--ing time!
I did the same thing yesterday and today I have conjunctivitis.
It leaves me with a constant discomfort and a 'burden' below my chest. I just want to surrender and let go and feel free. I don't seek a 'religious' answer, but rather an intellectual one to get rid of this, discomforting and hopefully silly thinking.
Its not that bad things only happen when I do this. The focus of this question is not about avoiding the bad things but my mind being stuck on the unbelievable coincidence that prevents me from being a devotee.
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