Tips On Being Alone?

[ardour]

As much as possible, not be alone. I would suggest developing a closish network of friends who have your back, that way you're at least vouched for to some degree. Society doesn't view 35+ year old single men in kind terms, so being insular doesn't help.

 

[Tealeaf]

I boil displeasure with solitude down to three things, other than one's nature:

1) Boredom

2) Disconnection

3) Internalizing external opinion

The solution to the first is simply to find entertaining and fulfilling things to do. Not video games and television. Music, art, science, writing, language, or other skills that build you up and pay off long-term.

The solution to the second is not to isolate yourself in such a way that you find no stimulation, no new things, etc. Talk to others as acquaintances for entertainment and information without intending to get emotional if you have to. I don't intend to get close to any of my classmates, but they're fun to talk to, I look better to my instructors when I help them learn and accept help, and they have information I need.

Because I have trouble practicing what I preach, I add: Do not tempt yourself. Either be alone or don't (or simply find coping methods). Saying you want to be left alone and jumping at chances for connection when you see them only destabilizes you, even if that person genuinely seems like a kindred spirit who'll be good to you. Some of us aren't built for normalcy and would do better to do wonderfully at solitude than terribly at being social. If we disrespect our way of life by dumping it as soon as we see another loner who may complement us, we can't expect our way of life to be good to us.

The solution to the third is to consider your opinion and experiences valid enough to not be totally overridden by the majority who are going to tell you that, if you don't want to be social, have sex, drink, party, marry, have children, and buy tons of useless honeysuckle, then you're broken and need to be fixed. They've frequently been wrong over the course of human history, but that's the power of majority: even when you're wrong, you're right.

 

[Nuke1967]

I have been alone for majority of my life, though I had a feeling back as a teen it would be this way, I was ackward socially and had a hard time making friends, I am not good looking so getting someone of the opposite sex is very hard, so combine the two leads to an lonely life.

I have a friend who was the same way, he decided to go the mail order bride route, I tried to talk him out of it, not due to that you hear horror stories, he was having financial problems, and now he is married with a kid with even more money issues, he isn't alone anymore, but he is struggling more now and really worried more than when he was single, because he had this "I have to be married" thing so stuck in his mind he just said screw and did it, not realizing your probably just making things worse.

It is hard what to say about being alone, you can try and cope with it as I have done, or keep trying to meet someone, work to make friends and close friends, I know making friends seems to get harder as you get older, but I heard find groups with your same interests or even create a group and put an ad out online in your area. I have been thinking about that once I have the time..

 

[IndigoSpace]

The solution to the third is to consider your opinion and experiences valid enough to not be totally overridden by the majority who are going to tell you that, if you don't want to be social, have sex, drink, party, marry, have children, and buy tons of useless honeysuckle, then you're broken and need to be fixed. They've frequently been wrong over the course of human history, but that's the power of majority: even when you're wrong, you're right.

Tealeaf, I think you make a great point here.

I'm aware of the benefits of being alone and have chosen to be, but somehow I never thought I'd reach age 44 and still be so. Things happened, family problems, etc, that meant that I could no longer focus on my own life for a number of years. Coming out of all that now but now realising how alone I am.

As I say part of me chose it and loves it. I write, read, there's so much I like doing that requires me being away from people.

BUT, I think a lot of mental distress comes when you start making comparisons, or, as you say, internalising the norms by which society lives.

I was on a chat forum earlier, one related to a topic I'm interested in, but because it's a sunday a lot of the women are talking about their husbands asleep on the sofa, or helping with dinner, etc, and I got sad. Not because I wanted a man in my house right that minute, but because I think about the fact that I'm not loved (it's complicated and I'm just giving it as an example of the thoughts we can have, of course there are people who love me, but as I say it's complicated. The person who loved me unconditionally has passed away, another man loves me, but we are more brother and sister).

My point is its the meaning we give to being alone that can make it good or bad. If we have thoughts that compare us to others we might be sad, hurt, angry, etc. If we remind ourselves that they are just thoughts and not necessarily facts, this could help and free us up to make best use of the alone time that many others envy.

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It has occurred more than once that I appreciated solitude much easier after I spend just a some hours in public (or in company). Working hours, appointments in town, shopping, weekend visits at my parents' home or school days...I find the continuous presence of most people quite draining, but I can't survive completely without it either.

If everything fails, I go for a walk at dusk. Around here streets are empty after 8 pm, but the illuminated windows of people's houses are enough to give me a sense of company. Empty sidewalks offer a different kind of peacefulness for they are not always as quiet and serene as my apartment is.

These strategies help me too.....it begs the question why these things help. Is it because while doing those activities our mood lifts (walking apparently improves mood), leading to happier thoughts? Or is it the people we meet? Or the structure? Or a better meaning we give to our day? Or maybe it's all of those things.

I think it might be helpful for me to write down a list of everything that helps, for when I'm in a bit of a slump. As I said above, most of the time I love being alone. It's only when I give it a negative meaning that this changes, or if I've been alone for more than two days without going out and speaking to anyone.