Ungrateful people

[lifestream]

Hey everyone.

A couple of days ago I was given two special download codes because I'd pre-ordered a video game from a certain retailer. Both codes would have been quite useful to me but I decided I'd give one to a friend of mine, who also could have used it, seeing as it cost me nothing. So I called up my friend and asked them if they were interested, they said they were, I gave them the code and then I got a disinterested "thank you" before we hung up. Not a word since.

Now, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I'm the kind of person that when someone does something nice for me, and it doesn't matter what mood or state of mind I'm in, I will make an effort to extend the same courtesy to them through some reciprocal act, no matter how small. I've observed that this friend rarely seems to express gratitude in any meaningful way beyond the "thank you" stage, towards other people as well as myself. I know that you don't give to receive but I also know that showing your appreciation for a good deed doesn't cost you anything. In most other ways, this person is perfectly fine and fun to be around, but I can't decide if this seeming indifference to kindness and generosity is simply borne from entitlement issues or just general ungraciousness.

I'm torn now between feeling offended by it or just shrugging it off as "that's just them". By doing this thing for this person, I broke an earlier promise I made to myself that I wouldn't go out of my way to do nice things for them, since it's so rarely reciprocated. I'm kicking myself a little for ignoring the cynical voice in my head that said, "why bother?", and acting on a generous impulse.

Does anyone have any experiences or insights regarding ungrateful people? I'd welcome some perspective.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You said you've never seen them go beyond the thank you stage. Has it occurred to you that perhaps they don't know HOW to express their gratitude beyond that stage? It doesn't necessarily have to be entitlement or not being appreciative. However, aside from asking him, which would make YOU the ungracious one, you'll likely never know. So, if you can't shrug it off, I would recommend not doing kind things for him without being asked.

As for not wanting anything in return, it kind of sounds like you do. I may be wrong about that, but subconsciously, I think you might.

 

[lifestream]

I said they rarely, not never, go beyond the "thank you" stage, which would indicate to me that they're perfectly capable of expressing gratitude in a more meaningful way but they just can't be bothered.

It's not that I particularly want anything in return from this person. I've known them for quite a long time, and they've always been like this, hence I altered my attitude towards them accordingly. I have other friends in my life now, though, who are more gracious and reciprocal about being shown kindness (far beyond a "thank you" with a side of "meh"), so I thought I'd give this person the benefit of the doubt for a change.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Okay, so I misread a word, it's still a possibility that he doesn't feel comfortable or doesn't always know how to show his appreciation. You are expecting him to do something because YOU would do it, because YOU feel it's the right thing to do. He is his own person, has his own way of doing things that won't always fall in line with what you feel should be done. That doesn't make him wrong or unappreciative, it just makes him different than you.
I would completely agree with you if he didn't bother to say thank you, but he did. Also, you said it's only been a couple of days, do you expect instant gratification?

 

[lifestream]

I expect people to treat me as I treat them. No more, no less.

I did a nice thing for my friend and they didn't show any measurable gratitude beyond a tepid "thank you". Indeed, I spoke to them not long after I opened this thread (within the last hour) and, not only had they completely forgotten that I'd given them the code, they hadn't even used it yet.

So I don't think it's a conceit on my part to be a little hurt by this.

 

[Therapon]

You chose to give it to someone who you're well aware doesn't show much appreciation other than "thank you", so you shouldn't feel offended.

I agree that saying "thank you" shows that they do appreciate it, and that there's only been a few days for it to sink in. Not everyone's very sociable, especially when it comes to emotional things, but it can sink in over the course of a few weeks. It may also be the case that they don't know you enough to know that you need to feel appreciated. Not everyone can read others' emotions, and not everyone reads them correctly.

 

[stork_error]

Is the person mad at you for something? I think there is a tendency for people to be to be ungrateful for a favour or gift when they are actually mad at the person. Its like a passive aggressive way of saying " You owe me for what you did to me ". Like kids who aren't thankful for their parents financial gifts, because at the same time, their parents might be really abusive, controlling or unfair and they are angry at them.

.

 

[lifestream]

I don't think that's it, therapon. I've known this person for over ten years and know for a fact they're a much more social, open person than I. As I said previously, I chose to give this person the benefit of the doubt on this occasion and came away a little hurt, rather than offended.

Funny that you should mention it, stork_error - I backed out of a serious arrangement we had about three months ago, for some valid personal reasons. However, this is a pattern of behaviour I've noticed with this friend going back the entire length of our friendship. People do very nice, thoughtful things for them (much nicer than what I did for them a few days ago) and there's a distinct lack of appreciation in return.

 

[Tiina63]

Maybe it is because it was free? I'm not saying that it had no worth or value because of this, but if someone gave me something they had got for nothing, I might simply thank them for it and think no more of it, as it isn't such a big deal.

 

[VanillaCreme]

. . . but I'm the kind of person that when someone does something nice for me, and it doesn't matter what mood or state of mind I'm in, I will make an effort to extend the same courtesy to them through some reciprocal act, no matter how small.

You did something nice for someone. Leave it at that. You can't expect everyone to be like you in that sense. It's wonderful that you'd reciprocate the notion. But not everyone is like that. And you don't do things for people because you expect something in return. That's not why you do good things. It wasn't a deal for something in return. It wasn't some sort of agreement or contract. You did something nice. That's it.

And now you know how this person will most likely be, and it only cost you a game code to find out. Next time, hopefully you'll be more wary of how they'll act, and know better whether or not you want to do anything for them at all.

 

[ladyforsaken]

It sucks, sometimes the least one can do is to show some appreciation or acknowledgement.. but yeah some people don't bother. I wouldn't really care. I mean if my intention was to help or give away something, it ends there, I don't really mind if they thank me or not. But, if they asked for help, and I did something for them and they said nothing, yeah it might get to me a little but I won't bother about it for too long.

 

[lifestream]

Hey everyone.

Just wanted to say thanks for the kind words and counsel.

I've let it go, but I will have to weigh the pros and cons of acting on the impulse to be kind to my friend in future.