Dissolving Into Argument

[user 135067]

I live with two people. My wife and my son. It is to the point that I cannot ask either of them a simple question, or make the most innocuous statement without getting an argument back. There are no conversations. It's always tense rebuke. It's like I annoy both of them by existing.

Am I annoying? They don't talk to each other in those tones. Just me.

I am so tired of all the resistance all the time.

I haven't done a very good job of financial management. I was looking at expenditures recently. I've dropped $50k into this house and sustaining the household over the last 3 years. I think of what I might have done with that money on my own. Of course that is moot now. The money is gone.

My income is tiny. It's not enough to sustain much more than a cardboard box on the street. I'm reluctant to leave for fear of losing what little I have. Here I have a place to work on my projects. I keep hoping one will net me a better income. Meanwhile I'm stuck.

They have the house. I live in the garage which is also the shop. I'm happy to be apart. It's heated and almost private. To be closer to them would be insufferable. I just don't think I deserve all the backlash.

Most recently, my son wants to utilize an old computer to have internet browsing on the living room TV. There is no Ethernet to the living room. I tried to talk to my wife about a WiFi adapter. She got all aggressive with, "I don't know. I don't know what he wants. He said something about a server. Go talk to him." She could have said she didn't know without the chafe.

So, I talked to him. I get 220 mps on these great little adapters. His reply with irritation, "But a wire gets a gig. I like a wire."

"My wired Ethernet only gets 75 mps."

"Then you have a bad wire."

"It will be expensive and difficult to run a wired connector. We'll need to buy a 60 ft CAT6 cable and run it in the ceiling or the floor."

"You can get a 100 foot cable for 4 dollars." Irritated that I'm keeping him from his computer.

"Not a CAT6."

"Any cable will get a gig."

"I can get the adapter for $27. Would it be enough to run your server?"

"I don't have enough hard drive to run a server. It's just for internet."

"Then the Wifi should be fine."

"I don't care, Dad. Do what you want." Slams door.

It wasn't what was said. It was that, from the first words, he said it with complete irritation.

It's always aggravation. Unless they want me to do something for them. Then it comes out reasonable.

I don't hate them. I just hate it here. But I see no way to get out.

I'm just venting my frustration. I see no solutions. My "room" is curtained off from the shop for privacy. Maybe I'll just stay in it when I'm not working in the shop. It's obvious my company isn't wanted.

 

[Claudia1794]

Just curious but who initiated the disconnect? Was it you or them? Mutual? Not that it changes how you feel now.

 

[Ima Lone]

I live with two people. My wife and my son. It is to the point that I cannot ask either of them a simple question, or make the most innocuous statement without getting an argument back. There are no conversations. It's always tense rebuke. It's like I annoy both of them by existing.

Am I annoying? They don't talk to each other in those tones. Just me.

I am so tired of all the resistance all the time.

I haven't done a very good job of financial management. I was looking at expenditures recently. I've dropped $50k into this house and sustaining the household over the last 3 years. I think of what I might have done with that money on my own. Of course that is moot now. The money is gone.

My income is tiny. It's not enough to sustain much more than a cardboard box on the street. I'm reluctant to leave for fear of losing what little I have. Here I have a place to work on my projects. I keep hoping one will net me a better income. Meanwhile I'm stuck.

They have the house. I live in the garage which is also the shop. I'm happy to be apart. It's heated and almost private. To be closer to them would be insufferable. I just don't think I deserve all the backlash.

Most recently, my son wants to utilize an old computer to have internet browsing on the living room TV. There is no Ethernet to the living room. I tried to talk to my wife about a WiFi adapter. She got all aggressive with, "I don't know. I don't know what he wants. He said something about a server. Go talk to him." She could have said she didn't know without the chafe.

So, I talked to him. I get 220 mps on these great little adapters. His reply with irritation, "But a wire gets a gig. I like a wire."

"My wired Ethernet only gets 75 mps."

"Then you have a bad wire."

"It will be expensive and difficult to run a wired connector. We'll need to buy a 60 ft CAT6 cable and run it in the ceiling or the floor."

"You can get a 100 foot cable for 4 dollars." Irritated that I'm keeping him from his computer.

"Not a CAT6."

"Any cable will get a gig."

"I can get the adapter for $27. Would it be enough to run your server?"

"I don't have enough hard drive to run a server. It's just for internet."

"Then the Wifi should be fine."

"I don't care, Dad. Do what you want." Slams door.

It wasn't what was said. It was that, from the first words, he said it with complete irritation.

It's always aggravation. Unless they want me to do something for them. Then it comes out reasonable.

I don't hate them. I just hate it here. But I see no way to get out.

I'm just venting my frustration. I see no solutions. My "room" is curtained off from the shop for privacy. Maybe I'll just stay in it when I'm not working in the shop. It's obvious my company isn't wanted.

I don’t know what and I’m certain that I don’t know when it’s coming but man, your rainbow is way overdue!
None of what you say sounds good and none of it sounds like it could or will work itself out given a little time.

Oh, it’ll be different problems you’ll have in 5-10 years from now but with as much stress as you’re feeling now,
5-10 years from now, you might just be a memory to anyone you know. I hope not but your problems make my
problems seem small, today that is.

I’ve had my share of troubles and I’m sure that there will be more to come. Years ago, I went to the first hearing
for my divorce. That morning, I had both my kids living with me in our house and their mom, who I was divorcing had been barred from living with us due to actions she had undertaken previously. She’d been forced to stay with friends for about a month at this time.

I saw her that afternoon in court and things went ugly, very fast. She had an attorney that was a real slimeball
but he’d coached her well on how to make me look just as bad as they possibly could. Nothing that they presented as evidence of my wrong doing was a lie but some of what came out came from people I thought
we’re friends and if my secrets were their secrets, I’d have taken them to my grave. But they’re not me. Then too
my neighbors stood by as well, more than willing to testify as to what an ******* I was and could be.

Anyway, before this goes any longer, by the end of the day I lost my right to even see my children. That lasted several months and was the worst thing that happened that day. My son was 6 and my daughter 3. I also was given until 9 PM that same evening to vacate the house of my belongings. My children and their mother were to live there and for a time, they did. I also was ordered to pay about one third of my salary at the time as child support and a bit more as temporary alimony to my then wife. I also was ordered to pay for damages to her car
that her attorney convinced the court were caused by me. Were they really my fault? Hard to say but not much of what I said that day was listened to anyway. I also had to attend counseling sessions, anger management, for several months ay my own expense due to them being court ordered and not a medical issue.

So, I packed up what I could and moved in with my parents that night. I lived there for about 10 days before I checked myself into rehab for alcoholism. I was able to stay sober for about 3.5 years that first time around. I
got out of rehab after 30 days, kept my job, got an apartment, got divorced and stayed single, not by choice but by chance, for about 2 years. That wasn’t a good part of my life but I survived it, even though I was sure I would not.

Today my kids are grown and I have 1 granddaughter. I’ve never met her yet because I moved from the US just before she was conceived. My daughter has a successful career and my son has a job, making license plates until late August, it looks like. I hope it’s not longer but his chances don’t look so great to me. Only time will tell.

My point in sharing all of this is just to say that when you don’t have any other choices, your chips are down and your back is against the wall, in the corner, you’ll be surprised just how really strong you can be, when you have no other choice except to be strong and hang on. When you find yourself in a hole, the very best thing you can possibly do, is to stop digging!

I’m sure that you don’t see it now, just the same as I didn’t see it for myself then but your problems that you have now will one day not be your problem anymore. Other challenges and situations will replace them but they all are temporary. Try to look for the good in each second of every day. Even if it’s only not seeing blood in the toilet bowl when you’ve pissed or looked before flushing, after a healthy dump, be glad. That’s a problem that you don’t have and one less problem is sometimes as good as things get.

I hope your situation improves but I don’t have a clue to any way that I can improve it for you. Do what you can but I’d suggest doing something, anything or everything different. Because what you’ve already done and are doing now doesn’t sound like it’s bring you much if any satisfaction. At the end of the day, I like to kick back and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that even if my day wasn’t as perfect as I thought it should be, I didn’t give up. I gave it what I had and even if I came up short, I lived to do battle again some other day. I’ve survived ever ****** experience that life has thrown at me so far and I think that whatever life has in store for me yet today, I can make it past that too.

I hope your life improves. I’m certain that mine will! Good luck to you and to anyone else who read this. You, OP, may not have even bothered to read any of it but it was meant for you, although it helped me more to write it, I think.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I live with two people. My wife and my son. It is to the point that I cannot ask either of them a simple question, or make the most innocuous statement without getting an argument back. There are no conversations. It's always tense rebuke. It's like I annoy both of them by existing.

Am I annoying? They don't talk to each other in those tones. Just me.

I am so tired of all the resistance all the time.

I haven't done a very good job of financial management. I was looking at expenditures recently. I've dropped $50k into this house and sustaining the household over the last 3 years. I think of what I might have done with that money on my own. Of course that is moot now. The money is gone.

My income is tiny. It's not enough to sustain much more than a cardboard box on the street. I'm reluctant to leave for fear of losing what little I have. Here I have a place to work on my projects. I keep hoping one will net me a better income. Meanwhile I'm stuck.

They have the house. I live in the garage which is also the shop. I'm happy to be apart. It's heated and almost private. To be closer to them would be insufferable. I just don't think I deserve all the backlash.

Most recently, my son wants to utilize an old computer to have internet browsing on the living room TV. There is no Ethernet to the living room. I tried to talk to my wife about a WiFi adapter. She got all aggressive with, "I don't know. I don't know what he wants. He said something about a server. Go talk to him." She could have said she didn't know without the chafe.

So, I talked to him. I get 220 mps on these great little adapters. His reply with irritation, "But a wire gets a gig. I like a wire."

"My wired Ethernet only gets 75 mps."

"Then you have a bad wire."

"It will be expensive and difficult to run a wired connector. We'll need to buy a 60 ft CAT6 cable and run it in the ceiling or the floor."

"You can get a 100 foot cable for 4 dollars." Irritated that I'm keeping him from his computer.

"Not a CAT6."

"Any cable will get a gig."

"I can get the adapter for $27. Would it be enough to run your server?"

"I don't have enough hard drive to run a server. It's just for internet."

"Then the Wifi should be fine."

"I don't care, Dad. Do what you want." Slams door.

It wasn't what was said. It was that, from the first words, he said it with complete irritation.

It's always aggravation. Unless they want me to do something for them. Then it comes out reasonable.

I don't hate them. I just hate it here. But I see no way to get out.

I'm just venting my frustration. I see no solutions. My "room" is curtained off from the shop for privacy. Maybe I'll just stay in it when I'm not working in the shop. It's obvious my company isn't wanted.

This is sad to read, a marriage like many relationships need fertilising, if not... the roots dry up. In hard times, it's often the roots that hold firm whilst the stem sways. If you dont mind me asking, how old Is your son? I don't believe in talking in harsh tones or arguing with men personally... so this whole situation is just... so different to everything I was ever taught.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I don't know if you are good with your hands, but, one way of looking at it is, you missed out on an opportunity to spend quality time with your son, and teach him how to run cable.

Cat5 is cheap, a wireless receiver is also relatively cheap, time spent with one's progeny, probably priceless...

He's your son, give him a path to reap the fruits of his labor (the world certainly is unlikely to do it for him, they'll just try to bilk him for everything he's worth), and use the excuse to spend time with him.

I know when it comes to my mother, there's certain communication channels that just can't be crossed. But, there are times when, we are just in eachother's company, for one reason or another, and not talking, just doing. I like those times the best. I asked her to show me how to iron a shirt, or pants. I really enjoyed that time with her. She may have just thought it was an extra something she had to do for me, when she could have been doing something else, but, I enjoyed it.

When life gives you hellfire, roast marshmallows (or hotdogs or vegan burgers, or whatever).

Deep chasms in communication are hard to bridge. I'm not sure how it's done. But, I think life, the Universe, God, whatever you want to call it, has a way of bringing people together, sometimes, I think. Tall grasses grow, and suddenly we have what we need to make cord, and build a bridge...

Sadly, when we present ourselves a certain way, we can't really complain at the results. Don't become a piece of furniture or a parked car in the garage. If we fail, well, at least we tried.

 

[Butterfly 2]

My question is pretty much the same as Claudia's? Did she ask you to move out to your little corner or do you just feel more comfortable there and chose to? It would seem quite cruel to not allow your spouse to live in the home.

Has this been a long marriage? Did this all happen gradually or throughout the years? It seems like you are treated really poorly, but it's always someone's personal decision whether they want to leave a relationship or stay and hope for the best. Sometimes people seem to abuse us because we allow it. And in no way do I mean that as blaming the victim. It's just that often if we don't snarl back right off the bat, they just feel they have the go-ahead to be continue the nasty treatment basically because they can without any repercussions.

If you did choose to end your marriage, would she be able to keep the house and you would get nothing from it? I know so much of that depends on your state's laws.

That's a really tough situation and I'm sorry you have to go through it. It would be a hard decision to make.

 

[user 135067]

I've been neglecting this thread. All of this is difficult to process. I've taken a few days to rebuild some mental energy. To subside my depression.

A little about me, I've always possessed a strong sense of logic. I know machines. Logic seldom applies to people. I do not know people. For that my situation is likely due to my own deficits.

I grew up with many of the 'learning disabilities' that had not yet been identified. I completed 9th grade but but went through 13 schools to do it. I was a poor student. It's difficult to be involved with lessons when you are so routinely uprooted. Though, for that I can meet people easily. I am easy going and try to be humorous and thoughtful. It seems I also disillusion friends eventually. Can one really examine their own deficits effectively? I've been me. I will always be me. I do not know how not to be me.

Fast forward, in the beginning my wife and I seemed magical. There was a sense that it was meant to be. We met as kids. A blind date as it happens. It was a short relationship. The magic hadn't happened yet. We broke up after a few months without knowing why. We just got further and further apart. It was so vague that we never even said we were over. We just were. Imagine three years later, I lived 400 miles away, but was passing through her state. I had to get something for something. No recollection of what. I park in a nearly empty parking lot of this controversial new mall built way out of town. I walk in. The halls were empty, except for her. We recognized each other from a good distance and called each others names with some surprise. We hooked up that night and after a very short relationship we merged our lives.

We were happy together. But we struggled. Money was always short. It was difficult to settle in any one place. Maybe some of that was due to my childhood relocations. I was used to it. She was not. As I said, we struggled, but it was as if there was a guardian angel. Our life was full of weird. Like, if we needed money for a specific purpose, like rent, there it was, lying in an unmarked bank bag in the road, a Christmas burglary that made the news and inspired donations, a forgotten plea for help from an institution that was answered a year later just in the nick of time, others of the same mysterious beginnings. Always enough. Never more.

There were other mysteries that came when need was great, not always money. We still had to work at our lives. Only a certainty of catastrophe would trigger the magic. But it happened enough that we were aware and amazed.

And then she started pulling away. Like she was doing her own thing and I was irrelevant. I'd talk to her about it but, well, I was irrelevant. She started relying on the magic. She was reading books like Louise Hayes, that gave strange relevance to daily occurrences.

Anyone can believe whatever they want, but it doesn't give them an excuse to be reckless in life. Especially when they share life with another.

I've never been one to force my will on others. That gave her the opportunity to take my share of the relationship. No matter my logic, my disagreement, my reasoning, all decisions became what she wanted. Rarely was I even informed.

One of her mottoes is "money will take care of itself." She can spend irrationally. She once gave me a tongue lashing for spending $2 on an ATM fee to get money for fuel. Driving was my livelihood. It wasn't a choice. She didn't begrudge the gas, just the ATM fee. But she could spend $100 on a plastic thrash bag cart for the yard. No mention to me. These are examples of the sort of things that went on constantly.

 

[user 135067]

I used to buy and sell used cars. Just out of my driveway. We'd drive them and then I'd sell them. Often cars were ugly, or didn't work for a bit, but we always had transportation. I'd manage to bring in a few thousand dollars extra per year. Admittedly, there was always a project car making our yard look like an Alabama wrecking yard, but it was a work in progress. I did my best to keep it out of view of the street. I am guessing for that she now doesn't want a used car, not even a newer used car. It has to be new. For a long time they were the last years leftovers and she took what was available. Older, but not used. Sometimes she was content. Sometimes not.

I have no sway over her. I did manipulate her this last time. Bite the bullet. Get a car that she'll keep for a good long time. She picked it, ordered it to her specifications, color, options, everything she wanted. I'm hoping it will keep her content for the next decade. Taxes and licensing every few years is expensive. A word of advice— get what you like and keep it as long as you can. Having your cherished car fixed now and then is still cheaper than replacing it.

So that's the setup for our relationship. It was her life. I was just a passenger.


There was trouble already, but in 1985 I got Lyme disease. In 1985 there was still the debate on if it was really a disease. Detection was poor, resulting in less than 45% accuracy. I was not detected, so, like the "experts" that claimed the illness in Lyme Connecticut was mass hysteria, my diagnosis was "malingering" or "psychosomatic" and "somatoform". My health declined. The pain was excruciating. I didn't get over it for many years. Unable to work. My family and friends all thought it was just fake. There was little sympathy and even less assistance.

When there is a serious infection taxing your immune system it leaves you open to additional illnesses. By 1999 I had overcome most of the pain. I'd been back to work for a few years. Then, over the course of a few weeks I lost my ability to run, and then to walk. It was the same assumption. I was faking again.

My son, all of about 9 years old, was devastated. His big strong dad reduced to a package to be carried about.

My wife had to carry me to the couch and to bed every day. I didn't do much else. I relied on a wheel chair for two years. Getting over it was a fluke. We'd spent tens of thousands trying to find medical help. Nothing. Seven wrong diagnoses. Funny how when a doctor is wrong they still charge you. We turned to chiropractic. I'd been in several serious car crashes. All else had failed. Maybe it was spinal. Whiplash.

I started having vision problems and facial droop on the right. No number of complaints could point the doctors in the right direction. One candidly said, "You have too many symptoms. I just don't know where to start." I knew the symptoms were real. I don't know if she did.

The chiropractor had just gotten a new toy. It rapidly vibrated what looked to be a tuning fork. It was intended to vibrate the spine back into place. He didn't understand it yet and I was subjected to its fullest intensity.

I didn't know this at the time. Herxheimer's syndrome is a disease that occurs when great numbers of viruses or bacteria all die at once. Like on antibiotic treatment. Your body is overwhelmed with tiny corpses and has to flush them out. It's like the worst flu ever. That's what happened after the chiropractor pounded the base of my skull with his machine. I was so sick.

My gate started to improve. I could walk again. Barely, but I was able to sell the electric wheelchair and get around on my own.

 

[user 135067]

I didn't know about Herxheimer's until years later when it happened again. It was a wonderful period. I'd moved to a new state. I saw new doctors... a new breed of doctors. Younger. Less established. Eager to prove themselves. They ran the right tests. I was eventually diagnosed with six diseases with laboratory validation. I was vindicated from the malingering accusations. But I was still sick. I could walk. I still can't run. A doctor discovered yet another invading organism, three actually. He had me on antibiotics for three years. I slowly improved, but because I'd gone thirty years with my body fighting these illnesses without medication, the damage was done.

That chiropractor? His vibration assault had inadvertently wiped out a colony of infection that had settled in such a way to affect my motor control and my vision. I know it absolutely. Of all the MRIs I've had there is a visual history of the damage. None of the radiologist caught it. Two of the MRIs were for my neck and just happened to catch the bottom half of my brain. My brain wasn't their concern. But there in my last MRI is a hole that wasn't there before. It sets right between my occipital and cerebellum lobes. Vision and motion. When someone insults me with "You must have a hole in your head." It's true!


One of you asked how old my son is. He is thirty. He was a miracle baby. A million to one shot. We'd seen fertility specialists and they all patted our backs and said 'good lick with that.' But twelve years into our marriage there he was.

One thing that kept me with her, aside from needing the magic, was things would happen if I tried to leave. I was collecting divorce lawyer names when she got pregnant. Sex was rare so I know absolutely the time it happened. My god. She was a perfect pregnancy. Pleasant. Happy. None of the horrible stories. Was this just more magic? Am I supposed to stay? She was so beautiful.

My son was actually a very easy baby to take care of. Smart. Inquisitive. He and I had a great relationship.

I'll not invade his privacy with details, but he spent weeks visiting his mom's dad when he was nine. He came home difficult and angry and it never left. After my wife's little brother threw himself out of a ten story window, a lot of bad things came to light about her dad. As I look back, I see the signs I missed all those years ago. I have a serious guilt for not protecting him. I've tried to bring it up so he could get counseling, but I'm irrelevant. I've put it out there but it has never been addressed.

After her brother's death I'd discovered a handle he'd used on a memoral page from his online friends. On a site like this he had exposed all that his father had done to him since the age of four. No mistaking it was him. He used his own face as an avatar. I hadn't suspected her father. I was shocked. His father was a pillar of the community with past references that should have meant anyone was safe with him; minister, director of Human Relations. I saved the posts and tried to share it with my wife. She will not accept that her dad was less than perfect. She will not read it. She will not believe our child went through that.

My son is thirty years old now. He still lives at home, never had a job. My wife still has him virtually tightly wrapped in his baby blanket and I'm not permitted to discipline him or bring up his conduct. She took away my authority as a parent. I don't even try any more.

So, finally, after this novel length post... thanks to you that have enough interest in me to read it...

We come to the final chapter. My wife and I finally decided we didn't have a relationship any more. She suggested divorce, but why pay an attorney when we can just ignore it. We decided to stay married for taxes and insurance, but we'd go our own way. We are both too old to expect new relationships, let alone getting remarried, so that piece of paper has no power. We don't pay it any attention.

We come to the present. She is a valued employee. Several times they have paid her thousands to sign non-termination agreements. They want her, but that doesn't mean they won't threaten her. They wanted her to relocate. They paid for the move, but she had to find the house. The thought was I wouldn't be there. That's irrelivant. Houses were scarce, and few were in her budget. We still owned the last house and lenders saw two mortgages and an income not quite sufficient for them, especially since I wasn't included. We had to play a little slight of hand to get the ONLY house that she could find in time for the company's deadline, which said if she didn't move they'd let her go. Actually, they extended that deadline three times, but she was pressing her luck. In the end it was another of those "money will take care of itself" things. She bought the house, half the size of the last one. Then the sale of the last house came through in the nick of time. It's annoying, but she has always gotten her nick of time bail outs.

I wasn't supposed to be here. She and our son set up their living spaces. But the house needed so many repairs. She gave me my share of the sale equity and I could have left, but after 40 years she was still family. We fight like siblings. We act like siblings. We are no more to each other than siblings. You don't abandon family when they are in need. I stayed in the RV at the side of the house and proceeded to fix it up. Did you know it is illegal to stay in an RV in PA if it isn't in a designated RV park? Even if you own the property. When we were called out on it I sold the RV. The only space for me was the garage where I built an 8x8 room, more of a tent in the corner of the garage. It was intended to be temporary.

 

[user 135067]

Three years later, the house still isn't complete. My share of the equity has gone to supplement her reckless spending. I am good at what I do, but that seems to be expected. I am not appreciated. Rarely thanked.

She does the dishes and vacuums once a week. She pays most of the bills. Auto pay. She puts her money in the account and swoosh, it's gone. She budgets to the penny and never accounts for the potential of the unpredictable, because, "money will take care of itself."

I maintain the house, the cars, do the shopping. Do her remodeling (in truth most is essential, which is why I stayed) All of the cooking. I deal with the odd problems that come up.

My head is still above water, but it is up to my neck, now. I have money set aside for my projects which is my only chance at a sustainable future. But as of next month, if all continues as is, it is my project money that will sustain the drain. I know I take advantage of her, mainly for a roof and a place to work. But I feel like I am paying $20k a year to be her handyman.

My son? Not ever a chore done. Not ever a contribution. She buys him anything he wants. He is a constant drain on my psyche, because I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Almost constantly. We had a good day yesterday. He still argued with me but it was about physics, and entropy, and how energy works. We do not agree on what is possible. But it was rational and intelligent for a change.

I'll share a concern I have about him. He is moody, and explosive and uncooperative more often than not. But I understand there are health issues like hypoglycemia that can cause those things. I know his anger comes from unresolved trauma by his grandfather, but could there be more?

I guess all considered, I'm afraid this is what I'll have. Admittedly it is better than some, possibly many of you. We deal with our own troubles first. I have the most sympathy for those worse off. I'll even do all I can to help. That's my plight. I have to help. It is my nature. If I could be careless, or cruel I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in. I'd have told her to fix her own damned house and I'd have taken the money and run. But I didn't. I am me. I will always be me. And I will put myself at the edge of disaster to help another that needs me.

What is all this about? Just getting it out. First, if anyone has good advice for you you will never know it if they don't know your problem. Second, maybe the magic is based on our conscious understanding of what we need. I am putting this out so God, or the Universal Store of Consciousness, or any deity that might have compassion can drop me a little hint to how I can serve myself without letting the others down. I am me. I cannot leave persona non grata.

 

[Finished]

Wow! I'm so sorry that you've been dealt what you've been dealt. It definitely sounds like you are in a trap. It sounds like there is a lack of respect from everybody. I don't know what could help your situation. But, I do know respect is neccesary.

 

[Ima Lone]

That word, Argument, it brought back a happy memory for me that I'd like to share, because I care.

 

[user 135067]

Maybe I need a timer.

 

[user 135067]

I hope your life improves. I’m certain that mine will! Good luck to you and to anyone else who read this. You, OP, may not have even bothered to read any of it but it was meant for you, although it helped me more to write it, I think.

Yeah, it helps to get it out.

One thing you said, I know if I am pushed out that I'll find a way. But there is a lot of fear for the unknown. It would be nice to raise some security before I go.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Wow, officially the longest post I have been committed to reading on here. What a situation, I honestly can understand everyones frustration, one thing I have noticed is how destructive money and health issues are to a marriage. Money has rarely been an issue so I have never ever heard much about money growing up, I have been talking to someone and literally every other day theres a new money issue and I think... what... this cant be how some people live, just consumed by money, it's honestly really sad.

My father had server sciatica, was financially sound but I remember massaging his legs for hours until my hands were cramped and sore, the second I stopped he was in agony again, my mum... his WIFE would massage it for all of 5 seconds before she started to complain. I couldn't believe it, I know I'd never treat my husband like that, she was everything a wife should be (in my opinion) apart from very selfish. She would be reckless with money to punish him for helping out a brother or friend, she'd say "I will just spend it, why not, it'll go to Harry, or Bob, or Fred anyway". She actually blew a whole account my dad put aside for me, she said "I am your wife, not her..." very warped thing to say, but there you go.

Your son, is your son, I think a lot of parents do not understand that when a man gets to 30, his parents house (no matter how loving) is the last place he wants to be. In this, there is server aggression, short temperedness, anger, resentment. I can understand the difficulty, my mothers father did unspeakable things to me when I was a little girl, she left me with him alone for reasons that make little sense, I have no idea till this day, if she knew or whatever, certain coping mechanisms make me intolerable to some, however, I can assure you of one thing, there is simply no getting over it, counselling, therapy, everything, nothing negates what happened, it's a scar.

I hope you get out of this situation, throw money, care, caution to the wind, and start living for you, because when you get to your last day, I hope when you flash back on your life, you see more than illness, money constraints, lack of a marriage, pain and disrespect... I hope you have time to make beautiful memories, and see a life well lived.

 

[Ima Lone]

Yeah, it helps to get it out.

One thing you said, I know if I am pushed out that I'll find a way. But there is a lot of fear for the unknown. It would be nice to raise some security before I go.

​

 

[Butterfly 2]

Jesse, my heart goes out to you. Since we are the same age and have both had long-term relationships, you'd think I had something valuable to say, but I truly don't since our marriages really weren't that similar.

IMHO you did the right thing by sticking by her and helping her move and fixing up the house, but sometimes doing the right thing isn't appreciated or even noticed. That's kind of how it sounds in this situation. All the work you have contributed and the extra money you have added should still give you some equity, but I realize that isn't your main concern.

You are a very compassionate person and not only by doing the things you have done for your family. In a paragraph you were talking about how you know that others have it worse and you are empathizing with them.

I read this yesterday, but had to think things through a bit before I commented. I plan on rereading it today to see if anything jumps out at me.

We both know that the marriage relationship doesn't stay exactly like it was at the beginning, but it really wouldn't turn into a sibling type of relationship. Just more of a comfortable and relaxed relationship. My brother giving me good night hugs was never really mandatory since I was five years old.

Is there anything of a marriage left? Do you both still wear your wedding rings? Do you give each other good night hugs? Do you ever sit down and discuss anything together? Do you have a favorite place that you both still go together? Is there any sort of connection like even though unspoken, you still know what the other one is feeling?

Since I need to reread it, I'm thinking that you two aren't actually divorced. Is that correct? What would be your feelings if you did end it and you saw the marriage dissolved on paper? Would you feel relieved and happy? I only ask that because it was a hard moment that I went through by actually seeing it. And you probably remember that mine wasn't a divorce.

It just makes things difficult at this age. After many decades together and then the thought of striking out alone and being single would be scary. Yet, spending the rest of ones years by being treated like dirt is probably just as scary and more depressing.

I guess the only two people who can decide how to move forward are the ones who are actually in the relationship / marriage. And I know you love your son, but it might be time for him to let go of the apron strings and make a life for himself. Just my opinion and I don't mean that offensively. I just hope things change for you, one way or the other. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.

 

[user 135067]

Is there anything of a marriage left? Do you both still wear your wedding rings? Do you give each other good night hugs? Do you ever sit down and discuss anything together? Do you have a favorite place that you both still go together? Is there any sort of connection like even though unspoken, you still know what the other one is feeling?

My ring got ripped off my finger and destroyed back in the 80s. It was in her purse when her purse got stolen. She doesn't wear hers but I don't know when she stopped. Recently. As for the rest, no. Not one of them. Not for about 15 years. We are just sharing the bills.

I used to like visiting new towns. I assumed she did too. Here we are in the capital of little towns and and she has rejected every one of my offers to go exploring.

Sometimes we go to Walmart together. I take a cart and go this way. She takes one and goes that way. To find her I just wait in the clothes. If she isn't there she will be.

 

[Finished]

My ring got ripped off my finger and destroyed back in the 80s. It was in her purse when her purse got stolen. She doesn't wear hers but I don't know when she stopped. Recently. As for the rest, no. Not one of them. Not for about 15 years. We are just sharing the bills.

I used to like visiting new towns. I assumed she did too. Here we are in the capital of little towns and and she has rejected every one of my offers to go exploring.

Sometimes we go to Walmart together. I take a cart and go this way. She takes one and goes that way. To find her I just wait in the clothes. If she isn't there she will be.

I feel like I need to say something. My first instinct would be to pull her aside and say something like:
I know we've been through a lot and we've had our share of problems. But are you happy with how things are now? I'm not. I miss my wife. I miss my family. I do not like how I'm treated by my wife and son. I want things to change and improve. Is this something would want as well? What do you really want? Would you like to have a better relationship with me? I know I want a better relationship with you and I'm willing to work on it. Are you? Take some time and think about it.

If she said no then I would keep the peace, much like you are doing now. But I would start looking for an out and make a plan. I don't think you want your current situation to remain the same forever do you? Then change it. Maybe her seeing you taking the initive to bring the family closer together might spur her on to do the same. Many women, like the man to take charge, or atleast appear to take charge, women really control the world. When they don't things get messy.

 

[okidoke]

So where are you at now?