A Lonely Life: A Memoir

[armor4sleepPA]

(newscaster speaking) and just a reminder that Maycomb County officers are still looking for the location of the notorius pornographer Oliver Clozoff. If you see a man appearing to be high, drunk, mad and sad, please call 911 immediately, as he is recently escaped from the rest home in Montgomery. This just in... apparently an eye witness reported seeing him at a local diner offering young men with afro styled hair a chance to be "bigger than the big mac" in the adult fetish industry.... all citizens with disco leanings are hereby warned to shave their heads or become potential victims of Oliver and his illicit brand of entertainment...

 

[Kristen]

"oh,man"...I'm thinking..."..and they are givin an award for his head live or dead..". I'm defenately gonna get this mr. Oliver Twist....or what ever his name was mr.Twister....lol...or Clozoff...what is he, some russian mafia dude..some "godfather" type a fella..who cares...now...money is what only metter..I'm at this station back..its like f***** desert,quiet, no body, is like they've been waiting for me or somethin. anyway, there's the damn horse.....I say to him:"whats up poor animal? u must be hungry, I got some grass here for you...or what ever weed, u don't mind do u? tell me where ur master is, that cowboy dude..Horse nods his head and shows me to that stable in the back of the station, I'm opening the door inside the stable----

 

[armor4sleepPA]

...and my jaw dropped as I gazed upon Bob Barker, Bob Saget, and Lyndsay Lohan playing an impromptu round of celebrity strip poker. I wasn't sure what to think, and wondered why the horse brought me here. But before I could do anything, Bob shouted, "the price is WRONG, Lyndsay!", and leaped across the table.

Now, mind you, I'm no fan of Lyndsay Lohan, but seeing the aging gentleman assault the poor young girl made me pity her, so I....

 

[Skorian]

(This story is quite frightening.)

Pulled out an eraser and begin erasing the picture on the TV that is in the corner of one empty stall. Slowely but surely everything but Lyndsay herself disapeared. I imagined I could hear screaming as people were erased, poping out of existence from the TV box. At which point I reached down and tugged the last remaining piece into the real world. Fearful of the question's that might be asked I decided to flee before Lyndsay would realize what had just happened. I open the stable doors and charge out into the street. The sun beaming brightly.

 

[Kristen]

(This story is quite frightening.)

its about to get prettier...



..I'm thinking , well, Lyndsay is no Britny Spears, but pretty too, she'd like to drink some Heineken in my convertible lamborghini. So still no Oliver Twister in sight.."u stupid horse gimee my weed back, ur no use," .No Clozoff but with passed out Lohan in my arms I roam around the deserted Alabama gas station, and its like 0 degrees Fahrenheit outside, I look to the right and to the left, what do I do ? no clue!...I see a polar bear approaching me..I'm like ..holy caw...wtf..this story's gettin outta control..I'm panicin.I'm sweating.the bear's hungry, sniffin me and licking, I see , is that saliva dripping? I was gonna share some grass with him, but Lohan would be just right for him or what ever, so I shoved her in his mouth, bear seems alright..SOB.. chewing on my fantasy ...I'm gratefull it's not my ass though..But anyway I'm off to hunt for my friend Oliver in the woods behind the stable, I park my cadillac right by the trail with the sign:
"18 OR OLDER XXX RATED, PARENTAL SUPERVISION STRONGLY RECOMENDED"


welcome,welcome,welcome TO
MR. Oliver Clozoff PROPERTY!
MAKE URSELF AT HOME..HA HA HA:

TO PART l :
ALICE IN WONDERLAND",

OR

" PART ll:
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" ,



I choose part(________ ) and here I go---

 

[armor4sleepPA]

Part II...

Astonished at the last few moments' happenings, I looked around me. Eraser shavings served as the only proof that the two game show hosts ever lived. It was horrible watching the polar bear devour Lyndsay, even if I did feed her to it myself. Not to mention my wonderings at a polar bear roaming the cotton fields of Alabama. I walked up the trail leading to an oddly phalic shaped building with plenty of red lights. This was definitely the kind of home I pictured Oliver Clozoff owning. In fact, every bush in front of the building was shaped... like an afro!

Suddenly I heard cannon shots and the sound of men and women screaming with glee! I opened the door, walked inside, and it appeared to be a movie set complete with wave makers, high capacity fans for reproducing storm conditions, and a true-to-life replica pirate ship called "The Black Pearl". I thought of the Disney film, wondering if I'd see Johnny Depp anywhere. I'd always loved his work, especially Pirates and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! Just then, I saw some actors running.... in the nude!

I chased after them, laughing that the only things anyone wore were swords, pirate hats, and smiles. Just then, I heard voices that seemed to be right in front of me!

"Avance, ye traitor! Jack-off Sparrow, ye have definitely cum on the wrong ship tonight!"

"Me hearty, I couldn't help it... I was just so haaarrrrghd!"

I felt I was going to vomit after hearing such a disturbing parody of what was once a wholesome family movie, now turned porn with a plot... I had to get out of there. Frantically looking each way, I spotted someone actually wearing clothes who appeared to be a security guard of some sort. I raced towards him, heaving.

"Please, I've got to get out of here... I need to be in L.A. by morning!"

"Mr. Deeper, you're just nervous. I can't blame you... the stuff you have to do in the last scene involving a dolphin, mermaid, and a lawnmower would make anybody think about making a run for it"

"Deeper? I'm not him; who are you talking about?"

The guard laughed hysterically.... "Johnny Deeper? Come on... you can't fool me. You're the world's greatest adult film star. What, with an afro like that, it'd be a shame for you to do anything else with your life! Before you head BACK TO THE SET, let me offer you a drink...."

 

[Kristen]

a drink!!! u must be out of ur perverted mind!I just had Hineken whats wrong with u, cant u see little green caps in my hair?Unles u can brush them out ur no use to me...now get the hell out of my trail..I'm after Mr.Oliver!!!! Get out of my face why u all up in my grill,fool??????? OR Damn boy, youre gonna get knocked in the grill!!!!!!!!!what is this place garbage everywhere?!!!!!!!!who are these elves and their international variations? naked dudes c*ming all over?!!!!!!!!
"yo, Oliver , where the hell is ur fat ass at?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"come out come out where ever u are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
or else! Ima...******u....with my *****and it ain't gonna be pretty!!!!....Got my ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye ...I know what u trying to.scare me with ur naked a** elves? This isn't a playboy mantion, u freaks, get dressed now, ya all ugly..shame on u!!!! Ok? I'll see yall later. And when I come back u better have cleaned up this mess, put up a nice tall christmas tree with some phillies on it, cause when I catch that oliver twister, sell him to Alabama FBI, get my cash, we gonna have a nice high forewell party like wow, for me before I part to LA.


now u fake guard, give me that tank , me and my friends elves here, gonna take Olivers fortress by force...and the princess, she's like wow...too.

I hop on the tank and...

 

[evanescencefan91]

I decided i needed a plan a good plan, but not just a good plan but a plan so brilliant and so vile that it coulld only be devised by the one the only mastermind genuis Dr. Johnathon alfred merrymuffins, or jams for short.

I determined that my first act of bussiness was to find help for coping with my recent ptsd of the naked pirated, so i contacted Dr. Phil's evil twin brother

Docter...

 

[armor4sleepPA]

Will. Yes, that was him, Dr. Will. Actually, he only had a Master's, because unlike his brother, he lacked the dedication required to complete his doctorate. Anyway, I went to see Dr. Will, who informed me that he no longer practiced psychology or therapy, as he had turned his specialization to proctology.

Let's just say I won't be sitting down any time soon, but it's good to know I have a healthy colon!

"Don't forget your special cream!", shouted Will as I headed for the door, walking with a strain.

"Thanks, you've been a lot of help.... " I replied, resisting the urge to practice a little proctology of my own with the jagged end of the preparation H.

I hopped back on the tank, recruited a couple of militant badgers to assist me with the steering part (I never could pass my driver's test), and set course for Dr. JAMS.

Everything was going just fine until a garden gnome disguised as a penguin motioned for me to stop...

 

[Kristen]

the garden gnome Penguin was actually a sky patrol as it turned out I was flying my tank actually, cause since I never passed my road test, I was born talanted pilot though and passed my pilot flying license early in my childhood spesial education class ,so I could fly free in NYC when ever I was high....up there...u know what I mean. So he asks for my license, I sais I dont have it, he asks for my passport, I said I only have a green card..but its actually in my cadillac which is still at the gas station...he looks like a decent bird from Sesame street or Happy Feet, whatever , I'm so stressed out I don't give a sh.. anymore, so I'm trying to explain how much my life sucks,..I'm like:"yo pretty Turkey, can i please pay u on my way back, when I get the Oliver's cash???" ..but that idiot ain't hearing it...he's like:"yea, right, u human freaks always say that! do u think my penguin life is easy ?Huh? you *******, u know who I am? I'm endangered species!!!!" I'm like :"wha? I never seen u in my life except the fact that u live on Discovery chanel on cable TV,right? But, what u telling me that for? I don't eat turkey, Ima freaking vegetarian or weedytarian what ever u want".oh ,nooow the birdie's getting really pissed at me, writting out a ticket of 500 $north-pole-snow-flakes-dollars$..I'm getting dizy, passing out....I wanted to share my grass with him, but how,its my only fuel, I really wanted to slap him with my....but instead I decided to give him a piece of something very special to me and that he's never seen in his loser bird life and he's gonna be "like wow!"...so I take out my...

 

[evanescencefan91]

my super secret ketchup buble gum gun, and blast him in the face with a tomatoie pink bubble gum goup entre
"take that you flying dipshit!"

I yell and gun the gas and topple over the cryshler building to slow him down in an epic flying car chase through random rings of fire that fizzle out with a quiet bloop as i pass through them, once I'm sure he's far behind I set the course for

 

[armor4sleepPA]

... the nearest quickie mart. A boy can only go so long without a corndog and slushie. So after hitting the nearest 24/7 corner market, I finish off the last of my cherry-watermelon-orange-cola slushie, and toss my corndog stick to the curb. I look at the traffic signal... it's red. Infuriating red... red that makes me want....

 

[evanescencefan91]

to grab the nearest homless guy and throw him into oncoming traffic! muha

no to mean, and then there would be legal fines involved so i do the next best thing, i quickly hail a cab, grab a random homless man, shove him in the back and pay the driver to take him all the way to queens in the middle of rush hour traffic Bwuaahahahhahah. Oh and of course in this cab the driver controls the locks for the back.

ah, i love the rush mischifly evil plots,

now quick to the...

 

[Qui]

dollar store to pick up some pixie stix. Can't get far without those... and the barber for a haircut. The afro's gotten me too much negative attention, I decide it's got to go. I get to the dollar store and it turns out there's a five finger discount on pixie stix and soda pop so I stuff my jacket and book it back to the tank and gun it to the barber shop. I was just walking through the door on my way to lose this rediculous vomit-stained 'fro when I realized-

 

[armor4sleepPA]

...that it's been permanently fused to my skull, kind of like Joe Dirt's mullet! The barber couldn't even chisel it away if he wanted. Damn... there's only one thing less to do. The only thing that can disguise my afro for what it really is.

I put the pedal to the metal, and floor it all the way to Ringling Brothers Clown College, where the first thing I do after checking in is to spraypaint my afro bright orange, green, and yellow. Yes... no one will suspect it's not a wig! They'll think my calling in life is simply to spread joy and laughter to the children, while I know deep down, my deepest ambition is to...

 

[evanescencefan91]

collect antiques, and live a nice queit life in the country with my cats, where i can focus on my needle point, i'm really quite talented at it. Once when i was doing some volenter work at a nursing home i won the needlepoint competition.

 

[armor4sleepPA]

So I decided to make it part of my act in the 2nd ring of the 3 ring circus. After the midget flew out of the cannon, and the ballerina with three arms successfully crossed the tight wire above hungry lions waiting with open mouths, it was my act... the ring leader gave me my cue, at which point I was supposed to juggle cheese whiz cans whilst riding a two wheeled unicycle... with no training wheels and no helmet!

Instead, the spotlight fell on me, and I began to needlepoint for all I was worth. Finally, in the spotlight, showing off my truest love, passion, and talent! But then, the unspeakable began to occur. Rather than offering spirited applause for my efforts, the crowd began to laugh hysterically.

"He thinks he can actually needlepoint!" screamed one fellow in the front row.

"Ha! He ought to be in a freak show, not a circus!" shouted another, sitting further back.

"If he was my son, I'd give him a hair cut and then a good kick in the ass!" said a 14 year old girl with 3 kids.

I couldn't tolerate their ridicule any longer. My life was finally over. I had no choice but to....

 

[Qui]

have the damn afro surgically removed. So I called up my buddy Moe who grows pot in his garage but also does a bit of cosmetic surgery on the side to see if he'd help me out. So I head over to Moe's house and he checks put my 'fro.
"Well," says Moe, "there's good news and bad news. Good news, I can rid you of that ridiculous 'do forever. Bad news, in payment I'll give you three days to get me a kilo of good .........

 

[NeverMore]

angel dust. I shook his hand and said deal, he led me to his kitchen where he had all of his surgery tools kept in a drawer with his steak knives. He gave me a whole bunch of cards with pictures of hair do's on them and told me to pick a style I'd like instead of my now vomit soaked afro. I chose the card with a mohawk on it cause I thought it looked bad ass and inconspicuous, so as he put me under the last words I heard were "this ain't my clean knife!" and "O **** is that supposed to happen?!"

 

[Kristen]

**** no! mohawk aint gonna happen tonight!

but I always found this guy sexy and thought this was the ideal image for me...Moe said that its perfect for my career in LA...I could make money like that and get Oliver out of hell, that s where hes hiding these days...and get Moe bailed out of federal prison where he was sentenced for life for cutting the throat of his previous client. Since he was such a great guy, I thought this was the rightest thing in the whole wild world to do and Mo reasured me that with help of angel dust anything is possible...

so we waited no longer and....