A Lonely Life

[CAKCy]

I'm almost 60. In the very recent years I lost my parents and my only "child" - a border collie named Lucy. 3 months ago, my wife of 13 years couldn't handle my depression any more, and left with a "I'm so sorry...".

The above defines my current emotional state. My physical state is about the same and so is my financial. The only two things I have left is my mental state and my unfulfilled longing for a soul mate. I used to be OK looking. Now, I'm OK looking in a dark room and IF you close your eyes. That's how I arrived at the conclusion that a virtual relationship would be a bearable solution for me.

I need companionship, I still believe in love, I still long for someone to say "I love you..." to and to hear it back from her. I need someone to tell me "Good morning" in the morning and "Good night" before going to bed. If there's anybody out there who feels like sharing some laughter and some tears, who enjoys teasing and being teased, who finds discussing a broad spectrum of subjects to be fascinating, who feels her heart responding to all sorts of music, who... well... there's much more but then it would be a very boring introduction post...

So...talk to me...
Please...

 

[mgill]

very sorry to hear about your struggles and loss i may not be of much help to you but in my experience false hope is one of the most addictive and destructive drugs. i truly hope you are able to find what you are searching for but realistically the odds are against you and many men will not-myself included. personally i have acknowledged that it is never going to happen for me but have yet been able to accept it which has been the source of great angst & anxiety.

 

[CAKCy]

very sorry to hear about your struggles and loss i may not be of much help to you but in my experience false hope is one of the most addictive and destructive drugs.  i truly hope you are able to find what you are searching for but realistically the odds are against you and many men will not-myself included. personally i have acknowledged that it is never going to happen for me but have yet been able to accept it which has been the source of great angst & anxiety.

Thank you for your input. I share the pessimism with you but I have to live in the illusion that "maybe one day...". Otherwise I might as well end my life here and now....

 

[Minus]

Welcome to the forums. Look around and make yourself at home.

 

[CAKCy]

Welcome to the forums. Look around and make yourself at home.

Thank you very much for your welcoming message. I really appreciate it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sure there is someone out there for you. There's someone out there for everyone, you just have to get out of your own way. What do you like to do with your free time? I would recommend maybe starting a new hobby, meeting some new people. You never know what will happen.

 

[CAKCy]

Welcome to the forum.  I'm sure there is someone out there for you.  There's someone out there for everyone, you just have to get out of your own way.  What do you like to do with your free time?  I would recommend maybe starting a new hobby, meeting some new people.  You never know what will happen.

Thank you so much for the encouragement! I wish I was as optimistic as you are!
I spend most of my day behind a computer screen. Being an introvert/anti-social doesn't help a lot with meeting new people. That's why I thought that maybe a virtual/online relationship/friendship would lessen the loneliness.

Besides, physical/person to person contact was never that important to me. What mattered the most was the flow of ideas, thoughts, emotions. 

Thanks for passing by!

 

[Abstamyous]

Welcome to the forum

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to the forum.  I'm sure there is someone out there for you.  There's someone out there for everyone, you just have to get out of your own way.  What do you like to do with your free time?  I would recommend maybe starting a new hobby, meeting some new people.  You never know what will happen.

Thank you so much for the encouragement! I wish I was as optimistic as you are!
I spend most of my day behind a computer screen. Being an introvert/anti-social doesn't help a lot with meeting new people. That's why I thought that maybe a virtual/online relationship/friendship would lessen the loneliness.

Besides, physical/person to person contact was never that important to me. What mattered the most was the flow of ideas, thoughts, emotions. 

Thanks for passing by!

Well, the hobbies and meeting new people out in the physical world was more a suggestion to help with your depression than anything else.  But it's also a great way to find people that could really fit in your life.

 

[CAKCy]

Welcome to the forum

Thank you Abstamyous for your greeting and the smile you have given me!

---

Welcome to the forum.  I'm sure there is someone out there for you.  There's someone out there for everyone, you just have to get out of your own way.  What do you like to do with your free time?  I would recommend maybe starting a new hobby, meeting some new people.  You never know what will happen.

Thank you so much for the encouragement! I wish I was as optimistic as you are!
I spend most of my day behind a computer screen. Being an introvert/anti-social doesn't help a lot with meeting new people. That's why I thought that maybe a virtual/online relationship/friendship would lessen the loneliness.

Besides, physical/person to person contact was never that important to me. What mattered the most was the flow of ideas, thoughts, emotions. 

Thanks for passing by!

Well, the hobbies and meeting new people out in the physical world was more a suggestion to help with your depression than anything else.  But it's also a great way to find people that could really fit in your life.

I understand and appreciate your suggestion. It wouldn't work for me. It would be more of a stress and anxiety issue to leave my "safe space" and get out in the open world. This old man has a lot of baggage...

 

[Minus]

You say "I need companionship" but later call yourself "anti-social".  Can someone be anti-social and still feel the need for companionship or would that be more unsocial?

I suspect that you are right at least in the possibility of being both.  I used to feel that I was just unsocial and largely just bad in all the social spaces.  The way I avoid social gatherings and situations has lead me to believe that I am actually antisocial yet I still seem to feel the need to maintain some slight connection to this human element on the planet.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I understand and appreciate your suggestion. It wouldn't work for me. It would be more of a stress and anxiety issue to leave my "safe space" and get out in the open world. This old man has a lot of baggage...

I think most people who come here have a lot of baggage.  It's never too late to change your mindset though and overcome anxiety.  I understand completely about the thought of leaving your safe space in relation to anxiety.  I've been there, I really have.  But you can overcome that. 

I think a lot of people who have anxiety say they are antisocial.  Personally, I feel that it's probably more of a symptom of anxiety than actually being antisocial.  I'm no doctor, of course, just my personal beliefs.  But that said, what exactly is "antisocial."  I think truly being antisocial, based on who they are, not issues they may have, is extremely rare.  Given what Minus said, I think you are likely less antisocial than you think you are.  Again, not a doctor or expert or anything, just my own opinion.

All that said though, it is your life and you will do what you choose to do, but you may want to consider getting out there in the world, even if it's just to walk around the block or say hi to a stranger.

 

[Finished]

I suspect that you are right at least in the possibility of being both.  I used to feel that I was just unsocial and largely just bad in all the social spaces.  The way I avoid social gatherings and situations has lead me to believe that I am actually antisocial yet I still seem to feel the need to maintain some slight connection to this human element on the planet.

Same here. I dread being around other people now.

 

[CAKCy]

You say "I need companionship" but later call yourself "anti-social".  Can someone be anti-social and still feel the need for companionship or would that be more unsocial?

I suspect that you are right at least in the possibility of being both.  I used to feel that I was just unsocial and largely just bad in all the social spaces.  The way I avoid social gatherings and situations has lead me to believe that I am actually antisocial yet I still seem to feel the need to maintain some slight connection to this human element on the planet.

My apologies for the delayed reply. My e-mail client decided on its own that any notification from the site were "junk mail".

Maybe "unsocial" is the right word. English is not my mother tongue. Being with other people stresses me a lot. It was my mistake not to mention that I would prefer "companionship" in an LDR as opposed to a face-to-face relationship.

 

[CAKCy]

I think most people who come here have a lot of baggage.  It's never too late to change your mindset though and overcome anxiety.  I understand completely about the thought of leaving your safe space in relation to anxiety.  I've been there, I really have.  But you can overcome that. 

I think a lot of people who have anxiety say they are antisocial.  Personally, I feel that it's probably more of a symptom of anxiety than actually being antisocial.  I'm no doctor, of course, just my personal beliefs.  But that said, what exactly is "antisocial."  I think truly being antisocial, based on who they are, not issues they may have, is extremely rare.  Given what Minus said, I think you are likely less antisocial than you think you are.  Again, not a doctor or expert or anything, just my own opinion.

All that said though, it is your life and you will do what you choose to do, but you may want to consider getting out there in the world, even if it's just to walk around the block or say hi to a stranger.

As I told Minus already, my delay in replying is because my e-mail client has a mind of its own. My apologies.

I'm not sure, it makes any sense (to you, or anybody else reading this) but I live and function in my mind. The physical contact, the beauty of the environment, etc. do not mean much to me. What I need, what inspires me, what keeps me going is the intense emotions of belonging and sharing with someone at a virtual level. Let's say that an LDR/virtual/online relationship would (and has in the past) satisfy the vast majority of my needs. My imagination is enough to let me visit anywhere I want to, without actually going there. An online interesting chat with someone would charge my batteries equally (or even more) than meeting the same person and having the same conversation at a coffee shop.

Thank you again for your advice and suggestions and please forgive my great delay in replying.

 

[mgill]

very sorry to hear about your struggles and loss i may not be of much help to you but in my experience false hope is one of the most addictive and destructive drugs.  i truly hope you are able to find what you are searching for but realistically the odds are against you and many men will not-myself included. personally i have acknowledged that it is never going to happen for me but have yet been able to accept it which has been the source of great angst & anxiety.

Thank you for your input. I share the pessimism with you but I have to live in the illusion that "maybe one day...". Otherwise I might as well end my life here and now....

i don't consider what i posted as being particularly pessimistic. instead, many people are under the delusion of a massive Just World fallacy and are infected with toxic positivity.  everything that matters in life comes down to pure, random chance and some people are not born with the characteristics necessary for succeeding in life. not all people are equal and some are blessed with being better than average while others are cursed with being below average.

i have found from personal experience that no amount of confidence, no mindset, no amount effort & hard work can ever make up for inferior genetics. being physically attractive is a huge part of this and not having this very critical attribute it really does not matter whatever else a person may have to offer.

not sure if you are male or female but all levels of women have things like makeup, wigs, clothing, heels, getting in good shape and possibly surgeries to greatly improve their physical attractiveness.  men, on the other hand, are almost completely limited buy what we were born with so those dealt a losing genetic hand are going to have tremendous difficulty in experiencing any level of happiness or contentment.  this is not a negative attitude but instead is merely an acknowledgement of the way our society actually functions.

 

[CAKCy]

i don't consider what i posted as being particularly pessimistic. instead, many people are under the delusion of a massive Just World fallacy and are infected with toxic positivity.  everything that matters in life comes down to pure, random chance and some people are not born with the characteristics necessary for succeeding in life. not all people are equal and some are blessed with being better than average while others are cursed with being below average.

i have found from personal experience that no amount of confidence, no mindset, no amount effort & hard work can ever make up for inferior genetics. being physically attractive is a huge part of this and not having this very critical attribute it really does not matter whatever else a person may have to offer.

not sure if you are male or female but all levels of women have things like makeup, wigs, clothing, heels, getting in good shape and possibly surgeries to greatly improve their physical attractiveness.  men, on the other hand, are almost completely limited buy what we were born with so those dealt a losing genetic hand are going to have tremendous difficulty in experiencing any level of happiness or contentment.  this is not a negative attitude but instead is merely an acknowledgement of the way our society actually functions.

I'm a man. Without any illusions about the justness of this world. I have to agree with your observation that some people are unlucky enough to not to be born with the characteristics necessary for succeeding in life.

The physical attractiveness plays a big role at the initial stage of a relationship (any kind of a relationship) since, usually, eyes is the first sensory organ to acknowledge the presence of another human being. That being said, I think, a lot can change depending on what else is within a good looking wrapper. 

The above is one reason I prefer LDR to face-to-face relationships. I've actually met and fell in love with women without ever seeing them! Some of them turned out to be very decent looking, some of them not. I do have to admit, though, that I had my fair share of rejections after a woman saw my appearance.

 

[mgill]

i don't consider what i posted as being particularly pessimistic. instead, many people are under the delusion of a massive Just World fallacy and are infected with toxic positivity.  everything that matters in life comes down to pure, random chance and some people are not born with the characteristics necessary for succeeding in life. not all people are equal and some are blessed with being better than average while others are cursed with being below average.

i have found from personal experience that no amount of confidence, no mindset, no amount effort & hard work can ever make up for inferior genetics. being physically attractive is a huge part of this and not having this very critical attribute it really does not matter whatever else a person may have to offer.

not sure if you are male or female but all levels of women have things like makeup, wigs, clothing, heels, getting in good shape and possibly surgeries to greatly improve their physical attractiveness.  men, on the other hand, are almost completely limited buy what we were born with so those dealt a losing genetic hand are going to have tremendous difficulty in experiencing any level of happiness or contentment.  this is not a negative attitude but instead is merely an acknowledgement of the way our society actually functions.

I'm a man. Without any illusions about the justness of this world. I have to agree with your observation that some people are unlucky enough to not to be born with the characteristics necessary for succeeding in life.

The physical attractiveness plays a big role at the initial stage of a relationship (any kind of a relationship) since, usually, eyes is the first sensory organ to acknowledge the presence of another human being. That being said, I think, a lot can change depending on what else is within a good looking wrapper. 

The above is one reason I prefer LDR to face-to-face relationships. I've actually met and fell in love with women without ever seeing them! Some of them turned out to be very decent looking, some of them not. I do have to admit, though, that I had my fair share of rejections after a woman saw my appearance.

glad to hear you are not buying into the comforting delusion that so many people fall for.  being male is likely a big part of this as denial of the harsh reality of many men seems to be especially predominate in women.  i agree that a lot can change for attractive men depending on what else they may have going for them but unless a man meets a certain baseline of looks & height, he won't be given an opportunity by the women he is attracted to.

 

[CAKCy]

glad to hear you are not buying into the comforting delusion that so many people fall for.  being male is likely a big part of this as denial of the harsh reality of many men seems to be especially predominate in women.  i agree that a lot can change for attractive men depending on what else they may have going for them but unless a man meets a certain baseline of looks & height, he won't be given an opportunity by the women he is attracted to.

I have to disagree with you. I consider my looks to be well below average and in my life I had the chance to date women ranging from top-model beautiful to a step above real ugly. Yes, approaching them was difficult because of my looks. But once I, somehow, cleared that step, things were a lot easier for me. What counted for them (and for me) every time was what was inside the box. Things started getting real difficult with age. Not many women want to date a man 10, 20, 30 years older than them, though I do get surprised occasionally by women not interested in looks OR age as long as they are satisfied at a higher level. A deep conversation, a gentleman's attitude and the ability to treat a woman with admiration and respect go a long way.

 

[mgill]

glad to hear you are not buying into the comforting delusion that so many people fall for.  being male is likely a big part of this as denial of the harsh reality of many men seems to be especially predominate in women.  i agree that a lot can change for attractive men depending on what else they may have going for them but unless a man meets a certain baseline of looks & height, he won't be given an opportunity by the women he is attracted to.

I have to disagree with you. I consider my looks to be well below average and in my life I had the chance to date women ranging from top-model beautiful to a step above real ugly. Yes, approaching them was difficult because of my looks. But once I, somehow, cleared that step, things were a lot easier for me. What counted for them (and for me) every time was what was inside the box. Things started getting real difficult with age. Not many women want to date a man 10, 20, 30 years older than them, though I do get surprised occasionally by women not interested in looks OR age as long as they are satisfied at a higher level. A deep conversation, a gentleman's attitude and the ability to treat a woman with admiration and respect go a long way.

i would guess that your dating life was a while ago because things have changed dramatically since the rise of OLD & social media.  what was possible (though perhaps very difficult) in the past no longer even remotely applies.  the modern dating world for men is 100% about facial symmetry and height.

btw, how tall are you?  this is also a huge factor as a taller man can occasionally get away with having a below average face. however, it's game over for a short man with a below average face-especially if he is bald too.