A man’s dilemma

[LonelySgt]

Hello, so here is the dilemma. The current situation was so impactful that a man need to ask whoever chooses to care.

Man: early 40s, with children (not living with him)
Woman: early 20s (no children)
Location: workplace

20yr old makes advances at the man (obviously not allowed). Man knows he shouldn’t and must politely decline but doesn’t. Man has been legally separated from wife for a few years. Man has not been romantically involved with anyone due to the trauma of separation from his wife. Wife wants nothing to do with him.


Man and woman had no choice but to disclose their cell number. They both learn things about each other through texting that the found appealing. Woman asks man if she could cook for him. He says his place is too minimalist to host since he works too much. Woman says get a hotel for a few days and man agrees (desperation or opportunistic?). We all know what will happen if two lonely people might do when placed in a hotel. Deed happens. She initially wasn’t very open about why the need to be with the obvious older man she barely knows except for the YOLO reply. He just accept the situation of being together with her for a few days.



Man starts to question situation as to why the much younger woman is even doing with him. She dismisses the situation. Man unsatisfied with the answer continues to dwell on it. They both part ways but continue to text each other. Man unsure of her motives asks her if she would like to start dating. She declines. Man becomes perplexed. How does he go from “nights at a hotel with her” and now she dismisses advances. Woman then informs him that it was just that “a night at a hotel and they have nothing in common”. Man impacted by the truth that he was the victim of a one-nighter and is told to not make a scene. The man understood he was played or was he delusional to think a young woman would want to be with a much older man. Obviously being logical knows that if the info got out of his obvious mistake that he would not only be fired from the job. Financial devastation would be catastrophic.



Woman is planning on returning to job site again in a month and there is no way to avoid her. What does he do? Playing it off as nothing? Completely ignore her? The list goes on. Man seeks advice!

 

[okidoke]

There’s no dilemma. Just leave her be. Period. It was a moment. Savour the memory. Hopefully she won’t divulge to boss or blackmail you. Why is it such an issue in that workplace anyway? Neither committed sexual harassment. Both consented to it. Nothing illegal.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Man thinking too much and making mountain out of valley. When she returns to work, you smile if you see her, say hello if you feel like it, or if she does, and continue on working. Perhaps she wanted a notch on her belt, or to cross out a line on her bucket list *shrugs*. You process it a bit, and then life goes on.

Hardly a victim, though, no? Unrequited feelings, hurt for anyone, man, or woman; however, 40 something yr old man getting a hotel for a few days, is bound to know what he got himself into at some point. Obviously she did want to be with an older man, just for a short time, however, superficially.

As that old saying goes, "don't hate the player, hate the game."

My uncle for example, was 48, when he met his future wife of 27, at the time (27/28ish?). They made a family, are still married, and both as cute as can be and as lively and into eachother as ever (20+ years now). A rare thing indeed, perhaps, but, some folks are suited for such things, occasionally.

Relationships working out for the long-haul, is probably the exception, across the board.

 

[LonelySgt]

Man thinking too much and making mountain out of valley. When she returns to work, you smile if you see her, say hello if you feel like it, or if she does, and continue on working. Perhaps she wanted a notch on her belt, or to cross out a line on her bucket list *shrugs*. You process it a bit, and then life goes on.

Hardly a victim, though, no? Unrequited feelings, hurt for anyone, man, or woman; however, 40 something yr old man getting a hotel for a few days, is bound to know what he got himself into at some point. Obviously she did want to be with an older man, just for a short time, however, superficially.

As that old saying goes, "don't hate the player, hate the game."

My uncle for example, was 48, when he met his future wife of 27, at the time (27/28ish?). They made a family, are still married, and both as cute as can be and as lively and into eachother as ever (20+ years now). A rare thing indeed, perhaps, but, some folks are suited for such things, occasionally.

Relationships working out for the long-haul, is probably the exception, across the board.

Yeah, guess thinking too much about it. Thank you!

 

[TheRealCallie]

You did nothing wrong. She did nothing wrong. Both of you are consenting adults. No one is going to get fired. You are definitely overthinking it. Don't completely ignore her, but don't go out of your way to talk to her. You could be like some parents want children.....you speak when you're spoken to and not otherwise, if that would make you more comfortable. Just treat her as another random person, because that's what she is. Yes, she's not a random person you had a hotel stay with, but still just a random person. lol

 

[LonelySgt]

You did nothing wrong. She did nothing wrong. Both of you are consenting adults. No one is going to get fired. You are definitely overthinking it. Don't completely ignore her, but don't go out of your way to talk to her. You could be like some parents want children.....you speak when you're spoken to and not otherwise, if that would make you more comfortable. Just treat her as another random person, because that's what she is. Yes, she's not a random person you had a hotel stay with, but still just a random person. lol

Good stuff, good advice and helps remove many negative thoughts. Thank you!

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Man: early 40s, with children (not living with him)
Woman: early 20s (no children)
Location: workplace

Couldn't tell you. Ya lost me at that point. I don't mix my personal life and my professional life. I never really have. Okay maybe a little bit in my early 20s when I was living in a college town working at a restaurant, but generally speaking? I usually just prefer not to.

I guess my argument is, that it's going to cost me money, which in turn would defeat the purpose of me working there to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I like pie, but if the pie volunteers itself to be double the price, suddenly I find myself with the mathematical dilemma of having to reevaluate for myself the value of pie. You follow?

 

[movinggirl]

Be polite, say hello but nothing more. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want you?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

This is complicated, I just dont know... I dont know about sleeping with men for free, the idea of it confuses me... no commitment, no money, no possible career advancement... just meaningless sex... hmm.... beyond me... cant even begin to understand her sorry Sarg... My fella is way older than me, and with that comes the security I appreciate.

I hope it wont be too awkward for ya, but it sounds like shes not someone who values sex at all, just giving it out like that with no hope of anything... sooo bullet dodged in my opinion. Maybe just keep her for the rotation idk...

 

[ardour]

Taking advantage of a naive young coworker with daddy issues. Can't handle a real woman your own age eh. Someone should inform HR. (/s if you hadn't guessed)

 

[LonelySgt]

Taking advantage of a naive young coworker with daddy issues. Can't handle a real woman your own age eh. Someone should inform HR. (/s if you hadn't guessed)

Naive? Hardly, no strings was her intension. You sound bitter. Can you tell us about your situation that made you sound so aggressive?

 

[ardour]

Naive? Hardly, no strings was her intension. You sound bitter. Can you tell us about your situation that made you sound so aggressive?

..it seems like /s is lost on you.

 

[LonelySgt]

..it seems like /s is lost on you.

Much is lost in translation. Would have been good to have you add said “sarcasm” during the post. As such I had to translate it as an act of aggression.

Anywho, I have heard of this hookup culture phrase for the last few years and never would I have understood it as well as now. It is beyond my comprehension that people would freely give themselves to others with such disregard. Give up a part of their soul, mind, body not forgetting the possibility of contracting STDs.

I see why some elite want to eradicate high portions of humanity. We might seem to them as mindless sex crazed zombies. Smh

 

[LonelySgt]

Update:

She texted with work question. (Was a faster resolution than her making contact via email to specific departments at work). Had admitted of ghosting during the texts and claims to be apologetic.

So the time for her to show up is coming. She is to show up in about 5hrs from now. Where to begin?

So currently there is a low 20s guy I’m taking under my wing. The very same guy she had said she had spoken to prior to the involvement. She has made it known that she had started talking to him awhile back but that nothing came of it and just became friends. The guy texted me static that he had a date. Boosted his ego by congratulating him. Come to find out it is with her. This young man doesn’t know of the prior involvement.

I have taken y’all’s advice to smile, say hi and just keep walking. Got it! Now there is regret. Here is a man who works in the same department but doesn’t know that this woman gives out sex without regard for self worth or others. It is obvious she has daddy issues. She had mentioned early on she lives with her parents and who are happily married and ever so present in her life. Not sure why she is giving it up like that. Should someone tell the man or just leave it be? Oh hey your so called date had been plowed by someone else in the department Or should it be better to let it be in the hopes he never finds out?

Seems she is more of an opportunist than anything. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated

 

[ardour]

You don't need to

Seems she is more of an opportunist than anything. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated

Sounds like you've accurately assessed the situation already. Any further involvement with your ladder-climber colleague will risk your job, but then so will snubbing her in a obvious manner. Stay polite and superficially friendly. Don't do anything to bruise her ego, or else you could be facing an allegation.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Sorry, but I seem to be missing something here. You also chose to go to a hotel for two days. Did you expect to get married and live happily ever after? You slept with someone you barely knew, so how exactly are you any different than her?

I'm not trying to be a bitch here, but damn. You are not innocent in this either. You are just as much of an opportunist as she is. She went after something she wanted and you did the same thing.
It happened, you had a good time (maybe she did too, maybe she didn't), it's over. Don't turn her into an evil woman just because it didn't go the way you wanted it to. Frankly, from the sound of it, she did you a favor since you seem to be...I don't know what word I want, ashamed? Disappointed in yourself?....because it happened in the first place.

 

[user 190541]

I concur with Callie and I'll elaborate this line of thinking even further. I find it puzzling that people will at times engage in one-night stands and then act as if it never happened later on, but it must be understood that both men and women do this, and for practically the same reasons. You may not comprehend why a woman would do this, but this is so only because female sexuality is still spoken about and discussed to a much lesser degree than male sexuality. If a guy engaged in a one-night stand and then later on pretended it never happened, no one would consider his reasons to be shrouded in mystery, yet if a woman does this, society reacts, and everyone is quick to condemn her. Try examining this issue from a strictly rational point of view, leaving aside any type of moral prejudice and you'll quickly see that the reasons are pretty simple, for both men and women. Sometimes it's we ourselves that are just not interested in relationships at all, others it's the people we deal with in our lives that aren't deemed worthy of a relationship, but may still be seen as the source of some potential satisfaction. As you yourself said, everyone understood what was going on, and it seems no one forced anyone to do anything.

As for your work buddy, unless you're very intimate with him and share the same moral convictions regarding women's place in society, it's best to let him appreciate the moment and to allow things go their own way. You may not know his views on casual sex, you may not know what he likes and dislikes in a woman, so unless you have very good reasons to believe you do know something about his tastes and sensibilities, let's face it, it would be idiotic to believe yours apply to him just as they apply to you. Honestly, the way I see it, yours is not a particularly complicated problem, it's just that your moral preconceptions prevent you from truly understanding the nature of what's going on.

 

[LonelySgt]

You don't need to

Sounds like you've accurately assessed the situation already. Any further involvement with your ladder-climber colleague will risk your job, but then so will snubbing her in an obvious manner. Stay polite and superficially friendly. Don't do anything to bruise her ego, or else you could be facing an allegation.

Thank you!

 

[LonelySgt]

Sorry, but I seem to be missing something here. You also chose to go to a hotel for two days. Did you expect to get married and live happily ever after? You slept with someone you barely knew, so how exactly are you any different than her?

I'm not trying to be a ***** here, but ****. You are not innocent in this either. You are just as much of an opportunist as she is. She went after something she wanted and you did the same thing.
It happened, you had a good time (maybe she did too, maybe she didn't), it's over. Don't turn her into an evil woman just because it didn't go the way you wanted it to. Frankly, from the sound of it, she did you a favor since you seem to be...I don't know what word I want, ashamed? Disappointed in yourself?....because it happened in the first place.

Thank you!

 

[LonelySgt]

I concur with Callie and I'll elaborate this line of thinking even further. I find it puzzling that people will at times engage in one-night stands and then act as if it never happened later on, but it must be understood that both men and women do this, and for practically the same reasons. You may not comprehend why a woman would do this, but this is so only because female sexuality is still spoken about and discussed to a much lesser degree than male sexuality. If a guy engaged in a one-night stand and then later on pretended it never happened, no one would consider his reasons to be shrouded in mystery, yet if a woman does this, society reacts, and everyone is quick to condemn her. Try examining this issue from a strictly rational point of view, leaving aside any type of moral prejudice and you'll quickly see that the reasons are pretty simple, for both men and women. Sometimes it's we ourselves that are just not interested in relationships at all, others it's the people we deal with in our lives that aren't deemed worthy of a relationship, but may still be seen as the source of some potential satisfaction. As you yourself said, everyone understood what was going on, and it seems no one forced anyone to do anything.

As for your work buddy, unless you're very intimate with him and share the same moral convictions regarding women's place in society, it's best to let him appreciate the moment and to allow things go their own way. You may not know his views on casual sex, you may not know what he likes and dislikes in a woman, so unless you have very good reasons to believe you do know something about his tastes and sensibilities, let's face it, it would be idiotic to believe yours apply to him just as they apply to you. Honestly, the way I see it, yours is not a particularly complicated problem, it's just that your moral preconceptions prevent you from truly understanding the nature of what's going on.

Very insightful and gave me some perspective. Thank you!