A shine-less marriage in Nice-ville...

[Nina]

Electric_F--
He's being very dismissive. He really is and no one is more taken aback then me. I do agree that we went through a lot of years very busy and attending to work, kids and just the basic hectic shuffle of everday life. We'd always catch up with each other on those Wed's & Sun's and I guess we figured we were connecting....maybe we weren't. He just wants to sweep my thoughts under a rug and continue on as if nothing happened. I'm at a loss for words at this point. It seems almost surreal to me. Not at all what I expected to happen....not at all

 

[EveWasFramed]

He obviously thinks you're going though some sort of phase and isn't taking you seriously. Blah.
Has HE changed any in the past 20 years, or has he always been the way he is now- so serious?
And yes, do be careful with the HNB. He will resent you if you aren't careful and then things might get ugly. He obviously doesn't understand how you're really feeling (even though you've spelled it out for him) and he will become bewilldered and confused. He will feel like he's being "punished" for not feeling the same way you do.

 

[Electric_Fusilier]

Nina

Yeah, I guess I know the feeling. When it began to crumble with ex, it seemed so strangely sudden. It was almost like some sort of 'off' switch had been flicked in her, with regards to me. She said it had been building up a long time ... so maybe I was so remote from her at that point that I just didn't know it. As far as she was concerned, it was irreversible. I felt otherwise, she didn't. We had some time apart, to see how we would get on without each other. I would have happily gone back, but by the end, she felt otherwise. So it just wasn't going to happen.

I cared for her enough to know that if my presence was just making her upset, then it would be best if I wasn't around. Oddly enough, once the split was 'official', I didn't miss her that much at all. Sure, I missed being in a relationship - still do, which is why I'm here, lol - but no, I didn't really miss her at all. I guess I must have already fallen out of love with her a long time before - and perhaps I didn't know it, but she did.

I would still say a relationship should be worth trying to save, though. I believe they can be rebuilt. True, there can come a point when both parties realise it isn't going to happen...but I reckon that if there is even an iota of affection there, it must be saved.

 

[Nina]

Eve--He has always been a highly driven man, very serious, focused and down right intense. It's some of the traits I most admired in him. I always accepted his nature. I still do I don't want him to become some "party-animal" I'm nowhere near being that myself. I'd just like to feel we're more than room mates with bedroom benifits at this point. When we lived in the city and our children were younger, I had a circle of family and friends and never had any problems keeping myself in full-tilt, busy-mode. It's only since we moved to....Nice-ville...and the kids have gotten older, one is in his second year of college and the other starts college in the fall, that I noticed hubs and I don't really act or speak to each other like a real "couple" We never fight. Always civil and pleasant with one another. We always remember anniversaries and the like. But there is something missing....

Electric_F--You just made my blood run cold...I was thinking, no more than an hour ago, it's like hubs and I have become very successful, "room-mates." with bedroom benefits.... I'm scared that it's been over for years and we never even realized it. We were so busy with careers and kids we lost each other...

 

[Badjedidude]

I'm scared that it's been over for years and we never even realized it. We were so busy with careers and kids we lost each other...

It's only over if you let it be. I still believe that with patient discussion and some real deep talk sessions, this situation can be healed.

What it comes down to is that if he still truly does love you, and he acknowledges that relationships take effort, then he'll eventually come around and start putting forth that effort to bring you two closer to each other again.

Best of wishes.

 

[Nina]

Badjedidude--I've never been a quitter or a runner. I'll definatly stick around and have a bunch more heart to heart's with this man. I get sick every time I think I could have just spent 20 years in a "habit" instead of an actual relationship. But I refuse to give up without exploring every possible way to renew, rejeuventate or just build fresh, if need be. I won't hang onto somethings that's dead but if there is one breath of life in it I plan on doing some serious CPR.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. They help!

 

[Badjedidude]

^^^I love the attitude and outlook... and hearing you say that you're gonna stick it through makes me really believe that things will work out for you.

Awesome.

 

[Just_Some_Dude]

Just_some_Dude--
Wow, indeed. LOL... You have to try to forgive me. I was a HS teacher for 16 years and I can be very guilty of going into overkill with explanations. I spent too many years trying to get kids to communicate more effectivly and now I've probably become long-winded...

nina,

my wow wasn't at the long-winded communication.

my wow was because what you are referring to is a frightening concept to me.

falling out of love. i've never done it. but i've had it done to me.

i guess just make sure, that when all is said and done that along with, looking at what he didn't do, shouldn't have done, and could've done better - that you also looked inward and did "all" that you could do and analyzed your own actions with the same level of scrutiny.

i had a friend once. a woman. she said almost those exact words. however, she was planning to divorce. in a conversation with me, she complained of all he didn't do or should do. i asked her "what have you done?", she got absolutely furious with me. but once she calmed down and realized it wasn't a personal attack, she said "nothing". she thought twice about the divorce and initiated some positive changes on her own. i don't know how it ended, but i do know she hadn't considered all the things that she should have up till that point.

this isn't a personal thing against you when i say this, so please don't take it that way. but, for the record, lol, bitching about what a man does or doesn't do, does not quality as doing your part to bring about change. i'm not even saying that is what you've done, i'm just putting it out there, because i've heard it time and time again. complain, complain, complain and then leave. and never do a thing to make it better yourself...

i wish you the best of luck. truly.

 

[Nina]

Badjedi---
I swear if you could bottle that optimism and positive attitude and sell it, you'd be a billionaire! I find myself following your posts just to get your, "take" on things. Folks who call you firend are lucky indeed...


Just_some_dude--
I think the point you raised is a VERY valuable one. It's one I am considering and exploring now. I am 50% of this partnership, so therefore I'm also 50% responsible for the situation before us.
I have discovered a very valuable thing in coming in here and openly sharing a very difficult point in my life with complete strangers. I've learned that folks are far kinder and more giving of themselves then I ever imagined. I have, for many years, participated on a number of specifically themed blogs and sites, art, teacher's, etc...But never have I just wandered in off the street and poured my heart out. i don't even do that in my real world. I always take the role of nurturer or shouler to cry on.

I have no idea, at this point, where my marriage issue will go, but I can say one thing with complete certainty. This site and the many warm and caring folks who have reached out on the threads and in e-mail to me, have expanded my world and heart. I've grown as a person and have been deeply touched with the words and opionins of others. Strangers, who have no real investment in me, have reached out for no better reason then to be kind and care. I will put all the effort I own into saving my marriage and if it works, I'll always owe a debt of thanks to the folks who chose to help a stranger. If all falls through with my marriage, I will still be left with the gift of having made some deeply touching and meaningful friendships.

I thank you for your frank honesty. Many times in our real world we lose that. We know the folks we deal with and never want to harm them and sometimes we sugarcoat things to save feelings. Sometimes the most valuable thing we need to hear is NOT the sugary version but the direct and frank approach. If ever you read a post of mine and feel I need a bit of, "jacking-up" never hesitate to do it. I welcome the honesty and am not prone to going all furious on someone trying to help!

 

[Badjedidude]

I swear if you could bottle that optimism and positive attitude and sell it, you'd be a billionaire! I find myself following your posts just to get your, "take" on things. Folks who call you firend are lucky indeed...

Heh well thanks. It means a lot to me to hear you say that. *hugs*

 

[Electric_Fusilier]

Well, us warm and caring folks are only to happy to help, Nina In truth, perhaps it's not so altruistic. I know for myself that there is an element of selfishness in my interactions with folks on there boards: in trying to help, there is a part of me that hopes that I'll learn something about my own problems; in attempting to offer solutions and support, I'm pretty sure that the bouncing around of ideas will enable me to deal with my own situation better. I guess many people here might think the same way, and there's no shame in that. If we can help ourselves while helping others, then it's all good, IMO.

It's good to know you're gonna work to save your marriage - lol, you fight your **** off for it, girl! And relating to what Just_Some_Dude said: yeah, try and see it from your hubby's point of view, too. Alas, in my failed relationship, I did not attempt to see it from my SO's perspective until it was too late. But keep hopeful, though - just recently, I've found that life can indeed throw an amazing and unexpected turnaround. So all is not lost...

 

[Nina]

Badjedi--
I'm a firm believer that there are enough folks out there to tell others what's wrong with them. I've mede it my personal hobby to find out what's right and then freely tell folks what I found! I'm glad I made you smile...We all need more of those.

Electric_F
I'll throw my, "pups" into the ring and hope for the best!