Alone in a crowd

[Guest 5]

I am male in my twenties suffering from self hatred.Socially im very stunted - that has always been the case.im shy,self conscious and probably too 'serious'.

My social life was once wonderful - now its a trial.My friends are now acquintances - i only get the 'call' when everyone is heading out.Nobody wants to be around me.even out amongst a crowd - im alone and isolated looking in at everyone smiling.

Around females i am and always was a disaster.Im good looking but am unable to speak to females - on any level.My last kiss was 5 years ago,virgin and never had a girl friend.Didnt go to my grad night(didnt know any girl) and i have never attended a ball.

despite my negative social experiences it doesnt impede my day/night job as a pilot.Im great at my job but outside that im worried.

Does anybody else feel as though there looking in at everyone having fun?Its a very odd feeling and only goes away when i have one too many drinks on a night out - the few that i have!How do you deal with this feeling best?

 

[Katia]

I feel that way a lot and it sucks. My best way of dealing with it is to just keep myself busy with something, find something to keep my mind busy that way I don't have to face reality.

I'm not sure if there is a remedy that would completely stop those insecurities.

 

[itsmylife]

Yeah I get the ‘alone in a crowd’ feeling, like if I screamed would anyone even look up. Life is a vicious cycle of being shy and lacking in self-confidence which leads to self-hatred which in turn makes those social issues worse.
It’s good that you have your job to keep you busy and that you’re good at it. That says a lot of good things about you already. I agree with Katia to keep busy and keep focussing on the good aspects of your life, such as your success at your job, to make you feel better about yourself.

 

[Minus]

Does anybody else feel as though ...

Sure i can identify with a lot that you described. Unfortunately i don't have any solution for you because i still struggle with it.

 

[querida]

hi i can definately relate...like you where i work i come into contact with loads of diff people, and while i get along on a professional level it seems as though i am very much on the outside when it comes to social events, never being considered for an invite and being terribly self conscious when i am to the point i leave early...its hard to say what to do to help, i would very much like to know that myself...

you said once you had a great social life - maybe as baby steps you can invite some co-workers out for a quick drink after a flight or a coffee beforehand - and as you share a common workplace / colleagues you have some points of discussion already - that way its not a long gathering but may help to build your confidence and potentially turn someone who is just your colleague into a friend....i know it sounds easier written than done, but hopefully some small steps may help you get back the confidence you need

 

[Guest 5]

yes thanks for those replys.im going to make it a resolution to try and talk more in the company of others and maybe try and initiate social events myself rather then feeling left out when i dont get the call.

its all about confidence really - possibly the easiest thing to take away in the world.

 

[querida]

i know its very easy to lose confidence sometimes, it just takes the smallest of things when you are self conscious about it...i remember hearing somewhere a handy tip, which i have sort of used and it helps, is to think about some questions you can ask the other person beforehand, so if you know you are going to catch up for a coffee, have some questions lined up that you can ask that are open ended like what did you do on the w/end, i saw this movie the other day, have you watched it yet? etc etc...helps try to take some the pressure off if you come up with an akward silence and cant think of anything to say! best of luck, and let us know how you go!

 

[SophiaGrace]

feel like youre an observer of life eh? I used to feel liks that. Maybe you just need to be more proactive in trying to have a social life

 

[Guest]

Hi - I am sorry to hear how you feel. I feel the very same way. I am considered to be a good-looking girl and I am successful in my job. And I do communicate well with men and women but in some way I cannot get close to people. I don't have close friends who want to hangout with me. Actually I have seen people not wanting to hangout with me. I have been like this my whole life. Have always felt lonely even when I have my family is around me since I don't seem to fit in anywhere. But what's funny is people around me seem to think that I have a lot of fun and have lot of friends.

Lately it has been very hard. I literally live one-day at a time. That's how I keep myself sane....

Take care

 

[Guest 5]

HI

Thanks for the responses so far

yes im sure most people think im popular.acquintances arent friends though - they wont be there most of the time.most people would be shocked to hear iv never had a girlfriend.

Ah well ill continue to try and be more outgoing and hopefully a few acquintances will become friends and ill be able to go on a decent holiday somewhere!

 

[Guest]

This place is full of well-meaning advice like "be more proactive" and "just go and do it" that just doesn't click for everyone. I think it is as simple as that, but some of us aren't there and don't make the leap.

 

[querida]

i agree, it is sometimes very easy to say things but to put it into action and find the confidence to take the first step is very different....if anything the forums have helped me realise i am not alone, in a world where everyone seems to be having fun in groups or pairs, its a bit more reassuring to know there are people that can relate, if not to all, but part of your situation...