Alone or miserable in life

[user 188685]

Would you rather be alone in life or miserable in life?My dad is and has always been miserable in his life,I don't think he has ever been happy in his life,before he ever got married to his ex wife,he was with this one woman,that woman was crazy,this one day she almost burned down the house that my dad and her were living at,but my dad has never liked to be alone in life so he chose to stay with her,there was this other time where my dad was on the porch,she was supposed to be in jail,somehow she had gotten out,now my dad had no idea that she had gotten out of jail,she was sitting on the porch with him,her picture and her story were in the newspaper,he looks up from reading the story of what she did in the newspaper,and looks at her and asks her,is there something you want to tell me,that woman was so crazy,she ways always doing really crazy ****,luckily my dad left her,and met his ex wife,his ex wife wasn't any better,but at least she wasn't crazy,my dad would rather be miserable than alone in his life.

 

[Cherubino]

can't fight natural needs or it's not worth it ... so for me it's better to be with someone if it's not a threat to life or dignity

 

[TheSkaFish]

For me, being alone (single) is itself a major cause of my misery. Not the only cause, but a big one anyway.

The problem is - people like happy people because they give off positive, energizing feelings. And also because they seem like they're winning in life. People want to associate with winners because it makes you feel like they're going places, and if you can team up with them, you're going places too.

And people don't like unhappy people for the opposite reason - they give off negative, draining feelings, and they seem like they're losing in life. They seem like they're going nowhere, or maybe even somewhere even worse than where they already are. No one wants to go along for that.

I understand how this works, and why it works that way. But it's difficult for me to put into practice. If you feel negatively, you give off negative energy, then people don't want to be around you, then it makes you feel more negative, and so on and so forth - it's a vicious cycle.

To escape of the negative cycle of losing, you need to break it with a win. By definition, a win is exactly the thing that breaks a losing streak. But where I can win, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.

---

Anyway your post inspired me to ramble a bit about my own life. It's not really relevant to your dad's situation. Still, I'm not discouraged from relationships when I hear stories like that because I think those are outliers, not the normal experience you could expect.

I think with people like your dad, they have to break out of their own cycle by knowing themselves and what they want in another person. And also they need to become a better judge of character. Actually I think it would be better to be alone, than to be with someone that makes your life worse. It sounds like that in order to avoid singledom, he's just going for anyone, and that just sounds like selling yourself short. I don't see how any lasting good can come of it.

 

[user 188685]

For me, being alone (single) is itself a major cause of my misery. Not the only cause, but a big one anyway.

The problem is - people like happy people because they give off positive, energizing feelings. And also because they seem like they're winning in life. People want to associate with winners because it makes you feel like they're going places, and if you can team up with them, you're going places too.

And people don't like unhappy people for the opposite reason - they give off negative, draining feelings, and they seem like they're losing in life. They seem like they're going nowhere, or maybe even somewhere even worse than where they already are. No one wants to go along for that.

I understand how this works, and why it works that way. But it's difficult for me to put into practice. If you feel negatively, you give off negative energy, then people don't want to be around you, then it makes you feel more negative, and so on and so forth - it's a vicious cycle.

To escape of the negative cycle of losing, you need to break it with a win. By definition, a win is exactly the thing that breaks a losing streak. But where I can win, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.

---

Anyway your post inspired me to ramble a bit about my own life. It's not really relevant to your dad's situation. Still, I'm not discouraged from relationships when I hear stories like that because I think those are outliers, not the normal experience you could expect.

I think with people like your dad, they have to break out of their own cycle by knowing themselves and what they want in another person. And also they need to become a better judge of character. Actually I think it would be better to be alone, than to be with someone that makes your life worse. It sounds like that in order to avoid singledom, he's just going for anyone, and that just sounds like selling yourself short. I don't see how any lasting good can come of it.

very good point,and very true

 

[user 188644]

For me, being alone (single) is itself a major cause of my misery. Not the only cause, but a big one anyway.

The problem is - people like happy people because they give off positive, energizing feelings. And also because they seem like they're winning in life. People want to associate with winners because it makes you feel like they're going places, and if you can team up with them, you're going places too.

And people don't like unhappy people for the opposite reason - they give off negative, draining feelings, and they seem like they're losing in life. They seem like they're going nowhere, or maybe even somewhere even worse than where they already are. No one wants to go along for that.

I understand how this works, and why it works that way. But it's difficult for me to put into practice. If you feel negatively, you give off negative energy, then people don't want to be around you, then it makes you feel more negative, and so on and so forth - it's a vicious cycle.

To escape of the negative cycle of losing, you need to break it with a win. By definition, a win is exactly the thing that breaks a losing streak. But where I can win, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.

---

Anyway your post inspired me to ramble a bit about my own life. It's not really relevant to your dad's situation. Still, I'm not discouraged from relationships when I hear stories like that because I think those are outliers, not the normal experience you could expect.

I think with people like your dad, they have to break out of their own cycle by knowing themselves and what they want in another person. And also they need to become a better judge of character. Actually I think it would be better to be alone, than to be with someone that makes your life worse. It sounds like that in order to avoid singledom, he's just going for anyone, and that just sounds like selling yourself short. I don't see how any lasting good can come of it.

I guess I didn't know what I was expecting with a lonely/depression forum but I tend to stay away from people's posts that start like age, no life, sexual status blah blah blah. Being obsessed with your own "problems" is in it's own way narcissistic, and yeah like you said, draining. If I'm feeling alone I want to have a GOOD interaction. This isn't at all a commentary on Sunflower posting about her dad. She posts tons of fun and positive stuff too. More the people who come here to only be negative.

 

[user 188644]

Lol I feel like you've given us 2 bad choices. Can I pick be alone and be content? I guess I'd rather be with someone and miserable rather than alone and miserable because, ya know, ***.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I guess I didn't know what I was expecting with a lonely/depression forum but I tend to stay away from people's posts that start like age, no life, sexual status blah blah blah. Being obsessed with your own "problems" is in it's own way narcissistic, and yeah like you said, draining. If I'm feeling alone I want to have a GOOD interaction. This isn't at all a commentary on Sunflower posting about her dad. She posts tons of fun and positive stuff too. More the people who come here to only be negative.

I mean, I do that stuff all the time too. I have bad days. But I'm trying to become more aware of it, and I'm trying to figure out a way out. For some reason or another, I have to figure out manually, consciously, what a lot of people seemed to get instinctively.

For me I'm more forgiving of that kind of stuff because I've been there myself, and I know how it is, I know how easy it is to feel like that. I don't really blame anyone for feeling that way. But I'm also trying to understand that a lot of people are going to be turned off by it.

I understand that people are dealing with their own stuff and want good interactions. But it's hard to give good interactions when I don't feel good about life, my chances in it, or myself in general. But I still want interaction. And that's part of the cycle again.

I'm obsessed with my problems because I want to find a way to escape before my life ends, or before I spend much more of it unhappy. But at the same time, I get that that isn't the best conversation material, not what people are looking for. It's not going to help anyone want to get to know me, or make me seem like someone they want to get to know.

I tried not to get too far afield of Sunflower's topic though. It just got me thinking though.

 

[user 188644]

But it's hard to give good interactions when I don't feel good about life, my chances in it, or myself in general.

But maybe that's it, it's just hard. Fake it, push through, how ever you prefer to think about it. Pretend you're having fun and eventually you have fun. Maybe there actually just isn't that much going on in the universe and life doesn't have to be any bigger than just having a good day and then try again tomorrow.

 

[user 188685]

I guess I didn't know what I was expecting with a lonely/depression forum but I tend to stay away from people's posts that start like age, no life, sexual status blah blah blah. Being obsessed with your own "problems" is in it's own way narcissistic, and yeah like you said, draining. If I'm feeling alone I want to have a GOOD interaction. This isn't at all a commentary on Sunflower posting about her dad. She posts tons of fun and positive stuff too. More the people who come here to only be negative.

Thanks

 

[Bones 2.0]

Alone = No Drama - FTW

 

[user 188685]

Alone = No Drama - FTW

True

 

[Finished]

For me, being alone (single) is itself a major cause of my misery. Not the only cause, but a big one anyway.

The problem is - people like happy people because they give off positive, energizing feelings. And also because they seem like they're winning in life. People want to associate with winners because it makes you feel like they're going places, and if you can team up with them, you're going places too.

OR, woman are attracted to ********. They feel protected by the guy. However, being an ******* when you aren't is even harder to do.

 

[Finished]

I would MUCH rather be alone then miserable with someone else. That would be torture for me. I simply couldn't do it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

But where I can win, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.

You start small and work your way up. Set a goal that you KNOW you can accomplish. Doesn't matter what it is, doesn't matter how "inconsequential" it is, just accomplish it, take the win, and move on to a slightly bigger win. To get to the top, it's easier to start at the bottom.
You are so focused on being at the top that you aren't even seeing the path to get started, so you're essentially stumbling around in the dark at the bottom.


I would choose being alone than being miserable with someone else. But, you can be with someone else, you can be surrounded by people and still be alone. So yeah, I choose to be alone.

As for other people's relationships. All you can do is tell them how you feel...which they will likely get pissed at YOU about....and then just let it go. If they want to listen, they will. If they don't want to listen, you are only risking losing them. Doesn't matter if you like it or not, doesn't matter if you think it's "right" or not. It's their life, they have to figure it out on their own. And yeah, it can be hard to watch it, my ex is like your dad, in the sense that he can't be alone. He's been with some horrible women, some of which wouldn't "allow" him to see his kids because that involved seeing me. But again, it's his life, not much I can do about it. He's with an awesome woman now and I'm just hoping he doesn't **** it up.

 

[user 188522]

I would rather be alone.

 

[LaoDing]

I would MUCH rather be alone then miserable with someone else. That would be torture for me. I simply couldn't do it.

Yep. That's why I'm alone.