Am I being reasonable to be upset over this?

[TheSolitaryMan]

First of all hi all. It's been ages since I've been on, I see lots of familiar names and I hope you are all well. Big love!

So I thought I'd ask for your counsel regarding some feelings I had recently because I'm pretty annoyed about the whole situation and it's just bizarre. I find these boards have always helped me in the past and I value the input of everyone here.

I'll leap right in. Basically I've had a female friend for about 5 years. We sort-of-dated when we first hung out (though we were both very young so it wasn't prolonged or at all serious) and then became friends.

She started dating this guy for 4 years, he was a bit "off" but generally didn't seem too bad. We remained friendly and she'd sometimes flirt with me, which I found a bit weird. She was very much into hugging me all the time (significant in a bit) and also invited me to another part of the country to meet her folks alongside her bf, which again felt a bit weird even though they were really nice.

Well, anyway this guy broke her heart and cheated on her. She didn't tell many people, but obviously broke up with him. She spent 2 weeks talking to me constantly, asking me to help her arrange a party and telling me she really wanted to see me and get drunk with me because she missed me.

So I helped her out, listened to all her upset and was a good friend as always. Arranged her party and arrived, and offered the usual friendly hug: this time I got a really weird awkward side hug and immediately felt uncomfy. But I figured she's hurting inside, so it makes sense she feels a bit vulnerable?

Anyway the entire party was her ranting about how ****** men are. And when not ranting about men, it was telling me (and the other few people there) how many guys she's planning to have sex with now, all of which she met in a week on dating sites. A lot of these guys sounded pretty scummy to be honest and I just sat there feeling awkward in a room full of her girl friends ranting about guys.

So after quite a few drinks one of her friends said "Hey, Solitary is right here, he's an awesome guy. He's hotter than [your ex] too! Maybe you two should hook up?" As a joke I guess, so I just smiled it off not knowing what to say and went to get a drink because it felt a bit awkward.

But then she flat out replied, laughing "Oh yeah, no thanks. Not exactly my type. I'm just gonna say no." Obviously I found this rather offensive and a bit perplexing that she even said it, but the girls all had a drunken laugh at my expense as a result. I didn't say anything, because I knew she's feeling in a bad place, but still. Perhaps I should have left at that point?

Then she starts showing me guys she likes on this dating site and asking what I think of them. Frankly, the ones she "liked" were pretty bad looking in many cases and had really douchey profiles. So this just made her dismissal of me as "undatable" kind of even more offensive to me.

Today a friend told me she was asking him about whether she should date a guy she found on Tinder who literally works in my department just down the hall from me. The guy is renowned for being stuck up and unfriendly, so he said no. But I still found it bizarre, because I'm "not her type" but she would date a man who she doesn't even know who does the exact same job as me and has a very similar lifestyle. And all her friends said I would be good for her and she just mocked me openly instead.

Is it reasonable to be pissed off about this? Or is that just a case of me being an unfair friend? It's not even like I *wanted* to date her, just I find it really demeaning to be compared to cruddy guys unfavourably and publically in front of friends as if I'm the one guy a girl would never date. I don't think I've actually ever felt so worthless before, I even felt tearful in my car heading home (as silly as that sounds).

I guess it just feels like "I will date anyone at all, literally anyone. But not you, because you're nothing to me." And I have no idea why she's been like that. Needless to say I turned down her recent social event and (ridiculously) I actually feel bad for doing so. No idea why.

Sorry for this being so long guys. Let me know what you think, if you're interested. Peace

 

[beautiful loser]

Sorry to hear about that, SM.  You have every right to be pissed off about that.  I don't blame you one bit.  Me...maybe I'm wired differently...I would have cut ties right then and there. I would have left and not said a word, deleted her from my phone and never give her a chance to "apologize."  No offense, but I'm a little shocked you stuck around to look at her potential f*** buddies.  Hope things get better for you.

 

[Paraiyar]

Going to agree with BL, why stay around someone who treats you like that?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Seems like she is treating you more like a "girlfriend" than a guy. Does she know you're still into her? She might also be hesitant to get into a real relationship with you for fear that she may lose you altogether if things don't work out.

That said....You have every right to be upset over it. You can be upset about anything you want, you don't need justification for that. But, put it into perspective and try to move on from it because it won't help you to stay in that place. I don't think I would ditch her completely for that, though. She likely didn't mean any harm (not that that excuse makes it right) and perhaps didn't realize it would hurt you.

 

[Celt]

I think your very reasonably upset. She doesn't seem at all good for you and can't make nice conversation with you. Its obviously up to you but I'd be looking for ways not to speak with her.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm not seeing how this girl is all that horrible. Sure, she could have said what she said in a better way, but I am failing to see why he should ditch her. He needs to talk to her to find out why she said it that way. Sounds to me like she sees TSM as one of her best friends or maybe a brother, not a heartless bitch that needs to hit the road.

 

[VanillaCreme]

If someone turned me away after they had gone through a break up, I'd appreciate it. I wouldn't want to be a rebound for someone.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Sorry to hear about that, SM.  You have every right to be pissed off about that.  I don't blame you one bit.  Me...maybe I'm wired differently...I would have cut ties right then and there. I would have left and not said a word, deleted her from my phone and never give her a chance to "apologize."  No offense, but I'm a little shocked you stuck around to look at her potential f*** buddies.  Hope things get better for you.

I think I was just shocked to be spoken to like that which made me just sit there. I wish now that I'd left, for sure.

If someone turned me away after they had gone through a break up, I'd appreciate it. I wouldn't want to be a rebound for someone.

Hiya Vanilla ^^

I guess it's not that so much which bothers me - she's messed up right now really, so I'd just like to support her as a friend. If she'd actually been interested I would have said "Maybe once you're over your ex."

It's more that she used me as a source of amusement by putting me down in front of several mutual friends. Not just a fair rejection, but actually just mocking me. I'd even told her that night that I'd gone through a cruddy break up myself recently. So to be so abruptly unpleasant to me...I don't really feel like I should tolerate that.

If the boot was on the other foot and I'd said to her "Ha, I won't date you because you're ugly and not my type. Do you have any hot co-workers?" I think she'd quite rightly be very upset by that...I think pretty much any girl (or person in general) would be upset to be talked to like that.

In fact I could have been really unpleasant, biting and judgemental about her desperation to find *any* new guy as fast as possible...but I wasn't.

Seems like she is treating you more like a "girlfriend" than a guy.  Does she know you're still into her?  She might also be hesitant to get into a real relationship with you for fear that she may lose you altogether if things don't work out.  

That said....You have every right to be upset over it.  You can be upset about anything you want, you don't need justification for that.  But, put it into perspective and try to move on from it because it won't help you to stay in that place. I don't think I would ditch her completely for that, though.  She likely didn't mean any harm (not that that excuse makes it right) and perhaps didn't realize it would hurt you.

Hey Callie

Yeah perhaps you are right there in terms of the "real relationship" comment. But then again, if I felt like that about a girl, the last thing I would do is publically rip into her and tell her she's unattractive!

I think it's all made worse because my last relationship was pretty ****** too and I'm still a bit upset about that.

I don't want to ditch 5 years of friendship with her over this (that feels silly), but at the same time I'm very tired of people I'm very kind to treating me like crap for an ego boost. It happens a lot and I've been tiring of it recently. I always bite my tongue but I think next time I'll just say what I think when people do this to me.

 

[TheRealCallie]

But she didn't call you unattractive, she only said you weren't her type. That could mean anything, it isn't necessarily about looks.

 

[VanillaCreme]

If you felt she was mocking you and it upset you in any way, it'd probably be best if you leave her be.

 

[SofiasMami]

Surely you can find someone better to spend your time with and who won't publicly mock you. Parsing the words she said won't change the fact that you felt humiliated around this person. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

 

[kamya]

Nah I'd stop hanging out with that friend too. A friend wouldnt have reacted that way and humiliated you like that.

I had a very similar situation happen with an ex that ive been friends with for 7 years afterwards now. It happened just a few months ago. We both know there are no feelings like that between us anymore and we played it off well when the situation came up. Like an inside joke.

You could try to talk to her about it but I doubt it would accomplish anything in your favor. A ******** apology if you are lucky. At the very least it might be worth evaluating what you actually get out of the friendship in the first place.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Google: Beta Male Orbitter

---

Then Google: Friend Zone

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Don't let this happen to you!

[youtube]w3YnoYKx2YI[/youtube]

 

[TheRealCallie]

Geez, you guys are really quick to throw people away....

 

[Restless soul]

Don't let this happen to you!

[youtube]w3YnoYKx2YI[/youtube]

Just saying hello, cal

 

[user 115627]

Anyway the entire party was her ranting about how ****** men are. And when not ranting about men, it was telling me (and the other few people there) how many guys she's planning to have sex with now, all of which she met in a week on dating sites. A lot of these guys sounded pretty scummy to be honest and I just sat there feeling awkward in a room full of her girl friends ranting about guys.

The perceived mockery aside, this is the kind of thing that would really make me question the friendship I was in.

 

[kamya]

Geez, you guys are really quick to throw people away....

In practice I usually give people more than enough chances before tossing people out. Which is more than I can say for some...

If I threw people away that often I wouldn't have the long term close friends that I do have. Some people prove not to be worth the effort and time though. You can only give so much.

I don't think OP should make a big deal out of leaving this person. I doubt he'll get an apology. I doubt she'll even see whats wrong about the situation. She would probably be more upset to hear his opinion about the people she IS dating than feel bad about anything she said. Suddenly OP is the *******! How dare he judge! Cue drama! Woo!

Just create distance and find other people to hang out with.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Aside from the way she said TSM wasn't her type, I don't really see much wrong with the situation.  Her boyfriend of 4 years cheated on her and broke up with her.  Of course, she's going to have a "men are scum" rant.  Everyone does at some point.  That doesn't mean she honestly believes that, it's just a rant after a traumatic breakup.

Hell I've done it around guys before.  They understood that I was just ranting.

 

[kamya]

Aside from the way she said TSM wasn't her type, I don't really see much wrong with the situation.  Her boyfriend of 4 years cheated on her and broke up with her.  Of course, she's going to have a "men are scum" rant.  Everyone does at some point.  That doesn't mean she honestly believes that, it's just a rant after a traumatic breakup.

Hell I've done it around guys before.  They understood that I was just ranting.

Everyone understands that people need to rant sometimes. It's not the ranting that he's upset about. He's not even upset that she isn't interested either.