Am I my own fault ?

[Bebeskii]

Studying in abroad in Europe has been a wonderful blessing for me to make many friends from all over the world. I have made many friends and great acquaintances but then I realise many of those people are just temporary and sometimes I am possibly the one who loses them 

There is a Hungarian friend of mine who is still in high school. He has some kind of real family issues with his parents that he says being at his home is a chaos. The thing is I feel like his mentality is still not very mature as mine. I mean a very, very little bit as I am already in my second year of my university. So far university life has shaped me a lot through good and bad experiences. He would come into my dormitory room after his high school as I am alone in the room these days. Some part of me is very relieved that I have such a good company than being alone. But some part of me hits and points at me that he has come many times to just eat and drink and chill at room and leave. 

Coming from Central Asia, if a friend comes over, I would usually cook a proper meal like chicken soup or pasta. And make sure that he is comfortable and he is not hungry by additionally providing cookies and fruits. I would offer everything I have. He says I show him such a great hospitality but how am I really benefiting after many occasions of visit of him. First few times, I am glad and had very good times but as it happens more times, I feel like why can not he bring some snacks for me or offer me something than just accompany me

The honest truth is that he does not have enough pocket money to watch a movie in cinema with me or go for ice-skating or go to a nice cafe etc. I have paid for his stuff few times that I do not want to risk borrowing or paying for him again although it is usually just around 3 euro. I hate such pointless, directionless strolls in the streets or cooking and providing for somebody every time he comes over after it happening several times

Then I realise, is it how I lose friends? Because I tend to get quite sharp-tongued and bit fierce in attitude if I get frustrated and get fed up

Last week, I went to Austria with my friend and his friend to travel together. Actually it was just me and him in the first place but his friend later joined us and made my trip such a horrendous lonely, frustrating experience. On the first day, I tried very hard to be part of them, but soon after I got too frustrated and very unsettled that I got totally silent and listened to a music on the whole second day. Why? Because they turned out to be besties for a lifetime. Close bonded friends of 14 years. Same native language, same hometown, same school, now same country etc. They were speaking in Russian too much with each other that I got really ostracised by them. Often they would say something short in English to make themselves heard for poor me who had now clue why there were laughing and what they were chatting about. 

I truly wished they would either just speak all freaking their Russian or English. Like what short parts are meant for me to be heard in English and others not. I understand the only very basics ! They would walk in front of me in narrow streets, me behind them left out, just following. The efforts that they were making to speak in English with me and make involve me disgusted me after I get fed up and reached my limit. Those two bonded besties better went together without me.

Then I said everything that was bothering and eating me on the inside soon after I got home to my friend in a very sharp, harsh tone. I can be excellent with words when in the wrong mood. He just apologised in a short sentence. He is such a very nice guy on the inside. Probably I just had very high expectations of him. Now I think I can say that I lost him as a friend. Something is just long gone now

Some part of me is banging the door that it is me that who loses the friends. I feel like I am my own fault or I have some kind of serious flaw in friendships. 

I do not know, what do you think? Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

[Hoarse Whisperer]

I could have finished many of the sentences that you typed, and inserted my own life situations into them. The parts about how you've made a lot of friends, but realized that they became simply acquaintances really rang true for me. What I've realized about friendly relationships is that we become so desperate to have somebody look at us and realize that we're worth a damn that we'll accept even the smallest notion of friendship.

Keep in mind that part of our insecurity will tell us that we're being used, because clearly the Hungarian kid couldn't value you as a human being, so he must be using you for your hospitality. It COULD be possible that he finds convenience in coming over and getting treated well by you, but he could simply be less mature as you implied, and not know how to be a better friend otherwise. He may not realize that it would be appropriate to bring something more to the table than his presence.

As one of the very few people in Southern California, USA, that couldn't speak a fluent Spanish sentence to save his life, I frequently experience what you endured with the duo speaking Russian. What I've learned is this: real friends would switch to a neutral language and bring you into the conversation, rather than exclude you. What kind of a friend would turn you into a third wheel and make you feel this way?

Which brings me to my final point: it's very easy to become a "people pleaser". Essentially, you've become the kind of person that everybody wants as a friend: you're genuinely a good person, caring, giving, and selfless to a fault. You allow them to walk all over you, perhaps to the extent of abusing your hospitality, and you don't mention that they're making you feel worthless when it's appropriate to do so. An easy way to diffuse the language barrier would be to laugh and say "I'd love to get in on this conversation, too, but I don't speak friggen Russian!" and make it a joke. Laugh, smile, and they will be encouraged to laugh with you. And maybe, just maybe, they would take your comment seriously and include you in the conversation. The idea is to tell people when you're bothered by their behavior, but to present it in a pleasant enough manner that they don't take direct offense (unless you want to offend them, of course), BEFORE you boil over and explode on them.

http://personal-growth-programs.com/people-pleasing/ <-- I would love for you to read this and decide if any of the traits of a people pleaser sound familiar to you.

-Signed a former people pleaser.

 

[Northern Lights]

You sound very sweet and like the type of person that enjoys making others happy. My experience is that Asian cultures tend to bend over backwards for guests and are generous with hospitality.

I'm sorry that your Hungarian friend is not returning the hospitality. Like you said, it could be because of his immaturity or lack of money. I have been in similar situations with people like that. Some people do give back when their situation improves. Others are takers and will never give back. I don't know what type of person your Hungarian friend is, but if I was in your situation, I wouldn't continue with extra hospitality if I starting feeling resentful or used. Perhaps you should just hang out without expectations. Only time will tell what type of person he is.

Your trip with your Russian friends sounds like it really sucked. If they were considerate they would have taken efforts to include you. I hope your Russian friend will be more considerate to you in the future.

 

[Bebeskii]

You guys really made me feel calm and positive about my decisions and my thoughts. I was starting to blame myself that I am at my own fault and the reason why I lose some friends. There is no need to blame myself. If things happened, it happened. I have to learn from the experiences to make myself a better and wiser person. Some people are probably meant to be friends with me for sometime and break away afterwards. I know in my heart that new people would always keep pouring into my life and I would be making new friends despite losing few on the way.

I believe that is how life goes. You lose some friends but then you come across new friends. Some stay in your life for years, some get distant over the years and fade away from your mind.

Yeah, I really try to please people most of the time. I gave up my own comfort and private space and security for the sake of emotional peace with my current roommate. I am changing my room thankfully before he comes back from his country. Maybe I have to learn some life tricks of letting my points and voice understood and heard by others without offending or upsetting them. I tend to collect and take it all in for long before I explode in sharp words and overflowing emotions. I have got to work on that

God bless, I am going to freaking keep learning Russian but very seriously in the next few years. Not because of those people who made me feel like a third wheel. But to prove to the world that if I make up mind into it, I make it a reality. Ahhh Russian grammar is such a real pain but I am going to learn it well that no one in the future may not have the power to make me feel isolated by speaking Russian around me