I get loneliness, but it's only a part of an overall melancholia. I think about all kinds of things.
All the things I wish I'd done as a kid when the world was still big and my teens and 20s were still ahead and my family was still young and my friends were all still here and there was still so much time.
The things I should have done in my late teens and 20s, when I already knew what I wanted deep down but talked myself out of it by convincing myself I wasn't good enough. Thinking if I'd only just gone for what I wanted instead, I could have ended this identity crisis that's dragged out for years now.
All the things I wasted time on instead, that I shouldn't have. All the frustration and grief that I could have avoided.
Chances I'd been waiting and wishing for, especially with those girls who really "got it". Chances I didn't take because I didn't think I could, I didn't know how, I wasn't ready.
All the turning points that I could have and should have changed direction and if I had, I might have been prepared in time, and feeling like it's now too late, that my time has come and gone.
Nights can be rough, but mornings are even worse. It's been hard for me to wake up in the morning to how things are now. It feels like every day is faster and faster. I just don't know how I can catch up or make up for all the time I've squandered. These are the kinds of things I think about often.