Anyone have a toxic family? *rant8

[ladyforsaken]

Hmmm Let's see.

My (late) uncle once poured a pint of beer over my cousin in a pub because he was cheeky.

My father tried to report his brother (the above uncle) to the tax people after they had a dispute. My uncle replied by phoning me and saying the next time he wanted to hear about my father was to hear he was in his coffin.

My aunt (sister of father and uncle) used to run down the hall and throw herself at the bathroom door where my cousin (the above lad) had locked himself to get away from her.

Several cousins of father, all sisters and brothers, threatened law suits, reporting each other for tax evasion, social security fraud, you name it, in a dispute over their mother's money.

In the last 2 years my father has told me he didn't want me (to be born) and didn't want me now. He also told a cousin she was a greedy *****, a ****** and a stupid.. something.

An uncle on my mothers side went off with another woman, his wife died, so then he abandoned his kids and had them sent off as orphans to Australia after the war. That uncle and an aunt had a wrestling match at my grandma's grave and tried to shove each other in...

There is more but honestly, it needs a soap opera to do it justice...

Toxic? Radiofeckingactive in my book.....

Phew..... indeed, jag, indeed. Amazing how you are despite such a family...

 

[jaguarundi]

thanks LadyF. In a funny way you know, it's because of all that I am who I am, in a way. Because I was determined to be different. Also I had a lovely mum.

But the family, they are just people. People do things that are nasty, stupid ignorant and cruel. And good things too. ... Never met anyone perfect. Not sure I have ever met anyone who had absolutely nothing redeeming about them, either.

 

[jjam]

:club:

 

[AnotherLonelyGuy]

It is just so depressing to have a family of people that don't really care about you and or, or not people worth caring about. Anyone relate?

Yeah. So I moved country. So my ties with those strangers I share blood with (cousins, aunts etc) were broken. My ties with the one I raised 'til he was 5, that is my brother, are broken for good. He chose that by not helping my technologically-challenged parents to see my online pictures of where I am and what I'm doing.
As for my parents... My mother calls me sometimes. They don't think to much, they're only interested if I am not sick or hungry.

I'm not interested in strangers that don't care about me, and I wish all the best to those who mistook me for some sort of livestock and were always concerned only with my food and shelter, but no other HUMAN (!!!!!!!!) need.

I don't care about the flat I'm going to inherit. My brother can choke on it.

As I see it, they have a lot to compensate for. That won't happen. So be it ! Not because they won't search for me, but because if you ignore me for a long time, I start thinking I forgot who you are.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Oh man, I can relate-hahaha! Sorry for the laughter but I sometimes have to laugh to keep myself from falling apart. And yes my family is very toxic. I love my mother but she clearly doesn't understand me at all. She sometimes doesn't even listen to what I have to say: both of my brothers are awesome... in her eyes- it makes me sick. And they do everything perfect: as for me I'm a complete outsider. Haven't gotten that much support, I mostly get support from people who I haven't even met before and I find this incredibly sad, I really do. Right now I'm very angry with my entire family cause they simply don't listen. My mother wants everything to be perfect and if anything ever goes wrong: she tends to say this phrase a lot: "Oh my god, I just want to run away." Anytime something tragic happens she wants to avoid it all at all costs. I care for my mother yes: but I'm so frustrated with her right now and I'm very close to not speaking with her anymore. It's kinda hard now cause I continue to live in the household with her now. Sorry for the big long rant but I needed to get this out. Just simply wanted to tell you that you're not alone. As for my two brothers: they won't talk to me either and I find it very hard talking to either one of them. None of my family honestly knows who I am.

 

[Suzanne13]

I can relate, to a point.

My Mother is narcissistic, and is toxic to me, but doesn't realize it. My father lives in the shadow of my mother, and has never been a father to me. I have one brother, older, who physically hurt me growing up, and has ignored me since we've become adults. Literally, we have a gift tag relationship. Any effort I've made to contact him have been rebuffed. I gave up about a year ago. The worst thing is that on the rare occasion I do see them (holidays), they don't think anything is wrong. I long for when I can move so far away that I never have to see them again. Anyone in Maine need a roommate? or the UK? I don't speak any other languages very well, but I'm willing to learn...

 

[Triple Bogey]

both parents tend to moan a bit and look to the worst.
One brother is fine, the other is an arse.

 

[ardour]

I have no siblings, not even cousins.
My mother was the most courageous person I've ever known. Her side of the family are/were decent.
My father, a disgusting individual. Obviously I try and identify with my mother's side.

 

[Jazzbird]

Toxic? That's not even harsh.

Dad attempted to slit mom's throat and I saw it when I was 3.
Dad divorced mom when I was 5.

I was abused for years by my mom and uncle and I haven't seen my piece of crap dad in 11 years.

I can relate.I wish I had a good supportive family as well.. it just makes me sad and jealous when I see people with better families than mine.

Things really do get better once you get away from them.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Oh dear Jazzbird. *hugs*

 

[Jazzbird]

Oh dear Jazzbird. *hugs*

Hey.. thanks for the hug At least I don't see my dad anymore and we moved far away from him so he can't mess things up again.

As for mom.. I'm moving to the U.S next year

 

[VanillaCreme]

He is just so useless as a brother. He does nothing for me. Nothing. So I don't see the point of him. In March I moved into a new place and not only didn't he help me move, but I had to nag him to see the place. When he arrived I was with a contractor and he acted like I should drop everything and talk to him. He should have just waited.

. . .

I mean shouldn't a sibling relationship be a give and take? I don't see what he ads to my life at all.

A little late on this one too, but... In my opinion, no. I don't think that just because you're a sister or a brother to someone that you should do anything for them. If he decides to help you with something or do something for you, that would be nice of him, but not absolutely necessary. As I read what you have to say about your brother, it's almost as if you feel like he needs to be of any use to you in order for you to like him or appreciate him or want to be around him.

And to me, that is not what family is about. To me, family is about having someone's back no matter what. Not because they could potentially be useful to you. Family is not about using someone, and if you feel like he may be using you, then you need to tell him to back off. He's not obligated to help you solely because he's your sibling, and the same goes for you. We don't sign contracts at birth stating that we have to help siblings. You help someone - anyone, family or otherwise - because you know in your heart that it's the right thing. Not because you feel like you have to or need to, or because you think that you should then get something in return.

Now, I know a thing or two about a difficult brother, and I can tell you from experience that I felt like I had to stop talking to my brother. I felt like after all I ever did for him and never asked for one thing from him, he was completely unappreciative, and I don't like that in people. But I can't change him. Wouldn't even if I could. So my only option was to cut him off. I'm not telling you to do that, or saying that's your only option, but that's just what I felt like I had to do.

You aren't able to change your family. The only thing you can change and do control is how you respond to them.

 

[Anahita]

The problem with family rifts is that other members of the family get dragged into the mess as well sometimes.

It gets to be .. If he is going to Xmas dinner then I'm not, and stuff like that, and then everyone is put out and made miserable, because of one toxic person. And mum in the middle (often) trying to please everyone and everyone being angry at her because each one thinks the other is the favourite.

I can see why some family members are so bad they have to be avoided, but if it is more squabbling and disagreements and not 'getting' each other then think about the rest of the family members before taking a step like cutting someone off completely.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Oh dear Jazzbird. *hugs*

Hey.. thanks for the hug At least I don't see my dad anymore and we moved far away from him so he can't mess things up again.

As for mom.. I'm moving to the U.S next year

Oh that's good, and good luck with your move to the US next year.

 

[Littlesecret]

Hello Daria,

I can relate to this post, I have a father that was mentally and physically abusive, it's very hard growing up and constantly living in fear that if I didn't even wash a cup correctly I was going to get slapped or punched!
Anyways not to get into too much detail but when I was old enough I completely cut him out of my life because that what you do with something that is toxic, otherwise the toxin will start making you ill.
Just because you share the same blood doesn't mean you have to let your family make you feel like crap, you wouldn't let a friend do that, would you?
The best family I have are people I'm not related too, there white I'm black but they've always treated me like I'm their daughter and I would do absolutely anything for them, my granddad( that's what I called him) recently died of lung cancer and it's like a part of me has gone, I felt more for him then I would ever do my own father.
If I was in your position I would send their emails to spam or a delete folder, block them on facebook and try your best to move on with your life.
You don't choose the family your brought into but you can certainly have a choice to stick with them or not, I was lucky to have another family that loved me but to be honest that was a bonus because no matter what, I would have left that man!

 

[ardour]

You help someone - anyone, family or otherwise - because you know in your heart that it's the right thing. Not because you feel like you have to or need to...

If you know helping is the right thing to do, wouldn't you then feel obligated? (feel like you have to)

 

[VanillaCreme]

You help someone - anyone, family or otherwise - because you know in your heart that it's the right thing. Not because you feel like you have to or need to...

If you know helping is the right thing to do, wouldn't you then feel obligated? (feel like you have to)

Some would probably feel like they had to. But in reality, I say no. If you think it's the right thing to do, you should still feel like you want to help instead of it being obligatory. Helping someone out with anything, big or small, shouldn't feel like a job in itself.