Bender's Journal: Part 2

[bender22]

I went ahead and did another 5 interaction openers on Saturday night, just to get back into the habit again. A few of them were just asking for directions.

It's a little annoying having to go back to such basic level stuff but I know if I want to get back to the point where I can approach a lot of girls in person like I did in the past, I need to work my way up to it.

I'm going out with my housemate tonight for Halloween and I'm hoping to use the opportunity to approach some girls. Halloween in Australia is nothing like what it is in the US but there should still be quite a lot of people out for it.

I've been spending a bit more time on online dating apps again in the past few weeks and now have quite a few girls I'm talking to from there. Got another date planned with a girl from Hinge for tomorrow and there a few others who I will probably meet up with soon.

During the week I had a second date with the girl I mentioned in my previous post. She's probably one of the most physically attractive girls I've dated in the last few years and looked amazing on our date. I like that she really put some effort into dressing up and looking good which a lot of the girls from dating apps don't really bother to do.

And we actually get along really well too. The date was very fun and playful, a lot of teasing each other but also some more serious get to know each other stuff mixed in.

After getting a drink at the bar we went back to my place. We didn't have sex or anything. Just cuddled and made out a bit. But I honestly enjoyed that just as much anyway because I simply enjoyed her company.

Plans and changes for November...

• Start training harder at the gym to build more muscle again. I'm still in very good shape but not as muscular as I have been in the past. Currently training 3 days per week at the gym. I think I'll increase this to 4 days per week for November and try to get more calories in to fuel the muscle growth. Mostly for the confidence boost that comes from having more muscle.
• More time on dating apps. I'll probably pay for the premium plans, just to make it more time efficient and increase my options.
• Try to approach 1-2 girls each week on my lunch break. I work close to a pretty big shopping center and usually see a few cute girls when I go there at lunch time.
• Go out at least 1 night every weekend and talk to a few girls
• Re-read my old journal posts when I used to go out and talk to girls regularly. I actually find this more inspiring than almost anything, to see what I was capable of back then

 

[bender22]

Went out last night for Halloween. For much of the night I was just with my housemate and some of her friends so I didn't get much of a chance to talk to other girls.

But later in the night we went to the dancefloor in the bar we were at. There were a couple of girls dancing very close to me and looked at me several times. I was very close to talking to them but then left it too long and they left. Pretty disappointed in myself for not doing that one.

Unfortunately I just couldn't see many girls who I really wanted to talk to. We went to another place after and I finally spotted a couple of attractive girls that I actually wanted to talk to. They were walking past and I stopped one of them.

She was probably the best looking girl in the whole bar so I did well to stop her. I got a fairly good response from her and it was going fairly well until one of her friends came in and dragged her away. Hate it so much when girls do that.

I would have liked to approached more girls after that but just couldn't find any that appealed to me.

 

[bender22]

DATES

I had a third date with the girl I was talking about in my last few posts. We had a really good time and I could see that she's getting fairly attracted to me. She does have a lot of the qualities that I'd like in a long term partner. Only problem is she doesn't eat as healthy as I'd like. A healthy lifestyle is very important to me. She also seems a bit addicted to social media (like most young women lol).

ONLINE DATING

I'm definitely finding that Hinge is getting me the best results out of any online dating apps now. Tinder just seems to be full of ego-maniac, insecure girls looking for validation. I deleted it for a while and recently got back on it. But it just seems to be getting worse and worse. Hinge attracts more normal girls and I get a lot more matches on there.

BUILDING CONFIDENCE TO APPROACH IN PERSON

One of the main things that holds me back from approaching more girls in person is caring too much about what others think about me. Of course, this is pretty normal and stops most guys from approaching women.

Back when I used to go to bars and clubs regularly and often approach 5-15 girls per night, I think I got to a point where I cared a lot less about what people thought about me. But probably because I haven't been approaching like that for a long time, I've reverted to caring too much.

One of the guys I know who does really well with women seems to be missing that voice inside his head that most people have, worrying what others are thinking about them. He can just effortlessly talk to strangers in public.

I like watching prank video channels on YouTube because the guys who do those pranks are able to withstand these extremely uncomfortable situations with extremely high social pressure. And I'm sure going through those uncomfortable situations makes it far easier for them to approach women, even when they're not on camera for a YouTube video.

Back in my previous journal, I wrote some reports about going to the local university campus with a few other guys to approach girls there. We'd often do little challenges to 'get warmed up' which involved putting ourselves in mildly uncomfortable situations.

For example, we'd approach students on campus and ask completely random questions like "what are your thoughts on seedless watermelons?" It was awkward but it really worked. When we did those small challenges, it was then much easier to approach girls afterwards and try to get their numbers. You quickly stopped caring so much about the what the girls would think about you.

I think I need to start giving myself challenges like this again so I can get to the point where I'm able to endure the social pressure of approaching people and care less what they think about me. I need to push my social comfort zone more often.

 

[bender22]

Bumble Date

I had a date with a new girl from bumble last night. We met for drinks at the bar. Everything went pretty well and I suggested going for a walk on the beach, which she agreed to.

We ended up walking right back to her apartment and she invited me to come in. We went to her bed and made out a bit but mostly talked. Didn't go any further.

I was a bit disappointed in myself for not managing to move things forward further. This is definitely still a sticking point of mine, not being able to physically escalate interactions. Even though she was the one who invited me in, I was still hesitant about getting more physical with her.

Last year and earlier this year, one thing I was doing much better was moving the conversation onto sexual topics earlier in my dates. If the girl was more willing to discuss sexual topics on the date, then it was much easier to make things more physical later on. But I haven't been doing that as much this year.

I think part of my hesitancy to physically escalate with women must stem from my childhood. My parents were never very physically affectionate with each other when I was growing up. Perhaps I subconsciously started seeing physical affection as a sign of weakness from men. This is something I need to work on.

 

[bender22]

I had my work Christmas party last night. I'm a lot more comfortable with these social events than I used to be but still can be a bit shy with them.

There was a girl there who I hadn't met before, probably a few years older than me but fairly attractive. I was talking to her quite a bit and could definitely see the signs that she was attracted to me.

After the dinner, one of the guys from work and me met up with my housemate and went to a few of the bars nearby. At one of those bars, we were standing around talking in the outdoor section, close to these two blonde girls.

They wouldn't be the type of girls I would want to date but they were still both good looking. I noticed both of them looking towards me on several occasions. At first, I made the excuse that I didn't want to be rude and leave my friends to go and talk to them. Then I made the excuse that they weren't my type, so no point talking to them.

Then it became even more obvious that they were checking me out so I started considering going over there. But I just didn't do it. Eventually they got up and moved on.

It's just so frustrating that I let these opportunities pass by. They weren't the only girls I noticed during the night that I didn't approach either. I ended up doing one 'real' approach, which was a girl who I stopped as she was walking past me. She responded quite well, but I didn't do much to really engage her beyond the first 30 seconds, so it went nowhere.

I woke up this morning, frustrated with myself for not talking to more girls last night. Especially those ones checking me out. I thought, I should really go out tonight and try to do some approaches to make up for it. And as I write this, I still have some of that same motivation to do that.

But I'm sure tonight will come around and the motivation will have waned. Or I'll end up making other plans. Or if I do go out with the intent of approaching girls, I'll just end up not talking to anyone. Very frustrating...

 

[bender22]

I've had three dates in the past week, each one got progressively better.

First date, was during the day. We grabbed coffee and took them down to the beach. I'd injured my back earlier in the day and was struggling to even walk properly. I think that probably distracted me from the date and I was not at my best.

The girl was nice but didn't hold good eye contact. I really don't like it when someone can't hold eye contact on a date. Makes it very difficult to create a connection. She might have been a bit nervous possibly.

I made a mistake by allowing the conversation to be far too platonic. Also too logical... I should have thrown in some teases at the very least to make it more interesting. She said she had a nice time but I never heard back from her when I messaged her the next day. Which wasn't a big shock.

Second date was drinks at a bar. This was definitely an improvement on the first date. I was feeling better since my back had recovered so that helped.

We had a good mix of more serious conversation but also teasing and flirty banter. At a few points during the date, we got onto the topic of dating and relationships. But I probably would have benefited a bit from pushing that further towards more sexual topics.

After having drinks, we went for a walk nearby. We walked to a nearby park and sat down on a park bench. I was tempted to go for a kiss at this point but her body language seemed a little closed off so I didn't.

Had a pretty good time on this date, overall. Maybe a 50/50 chance I'd see her again.

Third date was definitely the best one. We got hot chocolates and took them to a park nearby. I seemed to be more switched on in this date. I'm not sure if that's just because we had a better connection than what I'd had with the previous two girls or because I had some momentum after the previous dates. Probably a bit of both.

I wasn't perfect on this date, there were some things I could have done better. But I did some things quite well. We went for a walk later in the date and she took my hand as we were walking. At this point, I knew it would be easy (and stupid not to) kiss her. Which I did shortly after. It was a good kiss too.

I possibly could have suggested going back to my place but it was getting later and I was more interested in just getting a good sleep. She said she'd definitely like to meet up again, which I would too. I think it's probably best to try and organise that fairly soon. Strike while the iron is hot..

Aside from that, looks like I'll have to focus on online dating for now. From yesterday I can no longer get into bars, clubs and restaurants since I'm not vaccinated. Which is also going to make things more difficult for dates.

 

[TheSkaFish]

More focus on personality development -

I've been thinking about this for a while, trying to figure out what it means and how to work on it - what that even looks like.

I know what women I'm interested in. I just don't know how to make myself, into the kind of person they'd be interested in back. How to change the way I see things, change how my mind works, cause the person life naturally made me into, doesn't seem to be interesting enough, doesn't seem to come up with the right ideas or give off the right energy.

What does personality development mean to you? How do you plan to go about it?

 

[Colster]

I've been thinking about this for a while, trying to figure out what it means and how to work on it - what that even looks like.

I know what women I'm interested in. I just don't know how to make myself, into the kind of person they'd be interested in back. How to change the way I see things, change how my mind works, cause the person life naturally made me into, doesn't seem to be interesting enough, doesn't seem to come up with the right ideas or give off the right energy.

What does personality development mean to you? How do you plan to go about it?

there are small things that you can do; are you listening enough, or engaging with the conversation. Do you steer conversation to raise topics, leaving difficult matters for other times. These are personality development issues. It's all based upon making you the most favourable version of yourself, whilst not changing your beliefs to appease another. You simply take note of the good and the bad, and work on them, as you might a song or a joke.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Also some other things I was wondering about:

we actually get along really well too. The date was very fun and playful, a lot of teasing each other but also some more serious get to know each other stuff mixed in.

We had a good mix of more serious conversation but also teasing and flirty banter. At a few points during the date, we got onto the topic of dating and relationships. But I probably would have benefited a bit from pushing that further towards more sexual topics.

Last year and earlier this year, one thing I was doing much better was moving the conversation onto sexual topics earlier in my dates. If the girl was more willing to discuss sexual topics on the date, then it was much easier to make things more physical later on.

I made a mistake by allowing the conversation to be far too platonic. Also too logical... I should have thrown in some teases at the very least to make it more interesting.

Do you think it's possible to be interesting and attractive to someone with just serious, get to know each other talk, and without teasing, flirting, banter, or sexual talk?

I'm talking about for a romantic relationship. I've never really been interested in the hookup scene or the player stuff.

I ask because this stuff has never really been "me". I've always been more into, like you were saying - serious, get to know each other conversation. I enjoy it, and I've always been naturally more of a serious, sincere person. I've never liked teasing because it feels like some kind of dominance game.

And I'm not naturally sarcastic, cynical, facetious, critical, fault-finding, or contemptuous, nor am I witty, cunning, cold and aloof, or good at quick thinking, and similar things, so teasing isn't natural to me. I don't have the instincts for it or the drive to do it. I never really felt an interest in it, or a need to do it on my own. To me, teasing would just be stressful, not fun, and if I did do it, it would just be because I had to, like I had to fulfill some quota - not because I truly want to. It's not that I'm so naive that I think we live in some kind of happy cartoon world where everyone and everything is good and nice. It's just that I simply don't think or see things in the sarcastic way. I don't have a natural inclination towards mocking people and things. It's not my worldview or how my mind works.

And sexual talk is something I've never been comfortable with, not really my style. I guess I was raised more socially conservative and not very raunchy, and also it's always seemed, again, kind of cynical and unromantic to me. Do you think talking about sexual topics is a requirement for building attraction, or do you think it could be more that those particular women who responded to sexual talk, were already the kind of people who talked about those topics themselves, and naturally moved things along faster?

I really don't like it when someone can't hold eye contact on a date. Makes it very difficult to create a connection.

Kind of a broad question but, how do you go about creating a connection?

---

My post might seem critical - it's not necessarily meant to be. What you've been doing, obviously works for you. I just don't know if it would work for everyone though, and I was just wondering if you thought it was the only way to get anywhere towards getting a girlfriend and you just have to do it this way whether it's natural to you or not, or if it's just the way you prefer, but that other ways could work better for guys with different personalities.

 

[Willym]

Not to be simplistic, but if you fish shallow, you get what you fished for. If you fish deep, the bites are few and far between, but you remember each one. Especially the ones who got away....

 

[BeyondShy]

I am back again for my yearly visit and my first stop is right here so I can read how well our friend Mr. Bender has done in 2021 and reading the few pages from this year he has done an outstanding job and I am happy for him. Envious of course but still happy for him.

Can you explain to me what Hinge is? Is that yet another dating app? Exactly how many are there out there? You really seem to have no trouble getting a date anywhere you go to. This guy is phenomenal. He could get a date in a convent.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Can you explain to me what Hinge is? Is that yet another dating app? Exactly how many are there out there?

Hinge is a dating app that is "meant to be deleted." Meaning, that they want to honestly help you find a meaningful relationship, not just another hookup....or so they claim, not sure if it actually works that way.

There are over 1500 dating apps, btw.

 

[BeyondShy]

1,500?? I would set a record for failing on every single one of them.

 

[bender22]

Also some other things I was wondering about:






Do you think it's possible to be interesting and attractive to someone with just serious, get to know each other talk, and without teasing, flirting, banter, or sexual talk?

I'm talking about for a romantic relationship. I've never really been interested in the hookup scene or the player stuff.

I ask because this stuff has never really been "me". I've always been more into, like you were saying - serious, get to know each other conversation. I enjoy it, and I've always been naturally more of a serious, sincere person. I've never liked teasing because it feels like some kind of dominance game.

And I'm not naturally sarcastic, cynical, facetious, critical, fault-finding, or contemptuous, nor am I witty, cunning, cold and aloof, or good at quick thinking, and similar things, so teasing isn't natural to me. I don't have the instincts for it or the drive to do it. I never really felt an interest in it, or a need to do it on my own. To me, teasing would just be stressful, not fun, and if I did do it, it would just be because I had to, like I had to fulfill some quota - not because I truly want to. It's not that I'm so naive that I think we live in some kind of happy cartoon world where everyone and everything is good and nice. It's just that I simply don't think or see things in the sarcastic way. I don't have a natural inclination towards mocking people and things. It's not my worldview or how my mind works.

And sexual talk is something I've never been comfortable with, not really my style. I guess I was raised more socially conservative and not very raunchy, and also it's always seemed, again, kind of cynical and unromantic to me. Do you think talking about sexual topics is a requirement for building attraction, or do you think it could be more that those particular women who responded to sexual talk, were already the kind of people who talked about those topics themselves, and naturally moved things along faster?



Kind of a broad question but, how do you go about creating a connection?

---

My post might seem critical - it's not necessarily meant to be. What you've been doing, obviously works for you. I just don't know if it would work for everyone though, and I was just wondering if you thought it was the only way to get anywhere towards getting a girlfriend and you just have to do it this way whether it's natural to you or not, or if it's just the way you prefer, but that other ways could work better for guys with different personalities.

Similar to you, I'm not a naturally witty, sarcastic, quick thinking person either. It's something I've developed but it's not one of my greatest strengths.

I do think that yes it is possible to be interesting and attractive to someone without teasing, banter and sexual talk. Some women would probably much prefer to have a serious, deep conversation over playful teasing and sexual talk. It really depends on the person.

From my experience, I've usually found it easier to build more attraction when I do throw in a bit of teasing and banter. Even if it's 97% more serious conversation and 3% playful teasing, that 3% helps. But if you have to really force it, then it's probably better to be avoided.

The problem with not bringing up sexual topics, is it becomes very easy to get stuck in a platonic zone. And once you're in that platonic zone, it's difficult to progress things from there (whether you're looking for a relationship or a hook up).

I find sexual talk is like a stepping stone to other things, which you really need in order to move towards sex or a relationship...like touching her, kissing her, etc..

Going from platonic, serious discussion with no mention of anything sexual to kissing her is a fairly big jump. But going from talking about sex to kissing her is a much smaller jump.

But is it 100% essential? No, I don't think so.

How do I go about creating a connection?

I think a lot of this is out of our control. There are some girls I know I'm just not going to have a connection with, no matter what I do.

But in cases where there is potential for a connection, strong eye contact is very important I feel. As mentioned, I will try to use teasing and flirting when it feels right. I also try to steer the conversation away from small talk (especially after first 10 min on a date) and move the conversation towards more emotionally sensitive topics. Which can backfire depending on where you take the conversation but when I get it right, it works well.

 

[bender22]

I am back again for my yearly visit and my first stop is right here so I can read how well our friend Mr. Bender has done in 2021 and reading the few pages from this year he has done an outstanding job and I am happy for him. Envious of course but still happy for him.

Can you explain to me what Hinge is? Is that yet another dating app? Exactly how many are there out there? You really seem to have no trouble getting a date anywhere you go to. This guy is phenomenal. He could get a date in a convent.

Thanks for dropping by again BeyondShy.

Yes as Callie mentioned, Hinge is just another dating app - similar to Tinder and Bumble. But it is intended for people looking for something a bit more serious than Tinder.

It's now my favourite of any dating app. It seems to attract more of the women that appeal to me. Many of the dates I've been on from Hinge have told me that they would never go on Tinder but they're happy to use Hinge.

Tinder is probably my least favourite of those three apps now. I see very few women on Tinder who I'd actually want to meet up with.

 

[bender22]

Probably had the most boring new years eve of my life. With covid starting to break out here for the first time where I live and also not being able to go to bars/clubs/restaurants (being unvaccinated) it was difficult to plan anything. Ended up just watching the fireworks by myself. On the plus side, at least I'm not starting the new year awfully tired and hungover like I have in recent years.

2021 In Review

I've just read over all my posts in this thread from the past 12 months. It's interesting to read the post I did 12 months ago with my plans for 2021. I talked about focusing on online dating rather than going out to bars to meet women, which I followed through with during the year.

Although there were times during the year when I questioned this approach, I think it's probably best for me. I'm just more efficient with online dating so it's a better use of my time.

In that post, I also wrote that I was hoping to achieve a certain financial milestone. Which I managed to achieve fairly early in the year actually.

In 2022, I would expect I'll continue to mostly focus on online dating for meeting women. I also have more financial and career goals to pursue during the year. I'd like to get an investment property and I'd like to prove to myself that I can make another source of income outside my job.

Achievements Of 2021

2021 was the year where I really excelled in my job and proved to myself that I am quite good at what I do. I achieved some pretty remarkable results for the company I work for which I can be very proud of. Not only that but I also enjoyed the work I've been doing. I've certainly had jobs in the past where I really dreaded going to work but now it's very rare that I don't feel good about going to work.

My dating life was a success in some ways. I continued to get a lot of dates from dating apps. I think the overall quantity was a bit lower than last year but I'd say the quality of women was higher. I did become more selective and got clearer on what I'm looking for.

There was one girl who I continued seeing (casually) almost the entire year which was good. But besides that, there wasn't really anything that turned into more than a few dates. And that was disappointing because I was hoping to find something more serious during the year

I managed to grow my wealth fairly substantially. My investments performed very well and I was able to save a good chunk of my income.

What I Learned About Myself This Year

1. I am very content being by myself. I'm definitely an introvert in the sense that I get energy from being by myself and social interactions often drain me. But I also realised that I still need a certain amount of social interaction in my life and I do get enjoyment from it - especially with people I really like. Some of my best memories in 2021 were times spent with other people.
2. When I get into the right frame of mind, I'm capable of great things. My mind has so much potential but the problem is I rarely operate at a level even close to my full potential. I go through slumps where my thinking and overall motivation is much lower than what it should be. And I struggle to get out of that. I need to learn how to get out of a slump fast.
3. I'm very prone to getting caught up in excessive thinking and fail to enjoy the moment. I think meditation has helped with this but it's something I really need to work on.
4. I really enjoy learning about topics that interest me and going deep into them. I'm often learning about new things but only skimming the surface of the topic. It's when I really explore the topic that my mind properly engages and I get the most enjoyment out of it.
5. There are certain experiences from my childhood that lead to me developing beliefs that have held me in my adult life - particularly in the social/dating part of my life. I really need to work on identifying these and trying to overcome them.

What I Can Do Better In 2022

Focus on keeping myself centred and into a position where I'm operating closer to my potential. If I can do this, then everything gets easier - work, business, dating...And I'm just happier in general.

I know that regular meditation will help get me there. Avoiding social media (and probably technology in general for a while) will help. Keeping my diet clean and healthy is important. I consume a lot of informational content through youtube, podcasts, blogs and books. But I think reading from a book is best for me. My mind gets too scattered when I start watching youtube videos or even listening to podcasts. And I realise now that I learn best from written content over video and audio content.

I also need to get more focused. When I'm trying to do too many things at once, my mind gets overwhelmed, I get stressed and that's when I get out of balance. Earlier in 2021, I wrote in here about a 9 week challenge I made for myself, where I set tasks for myself to complete each week. This was when I thrived the most during the year. And it was also probably my happiest period of the year. I think that's because I narrowed my focus.

Perhaps I pick just one major area of my life to focus on each month and really committing to that.

Focus on getting pleasure from the small things. My habit of excessive thinking often stops me from enjoying things that I should enjoy. In 2022, I want to take more time to stop and enjoy things like the food I'm eating, really appreciate the beauty in nature, be more present when I'm with other people and enjoy their company.

Develop more meaningful relationships with people I like. Not just romantic relationships (although that would be nice too) but better friendships and business relationships. Even if these relationships are developed online rather than in person. I think my entire life I have undervalued the importance of building relationships with other people.

Other Things I'd Like To Do In 2022

• Build at least one profitable side hustle
• Read more books and consume less video/audio content
• Buy a house
• Mentor someone younger than me
• Learn more about myself
• Learn how to cook more
• Participate in one or two supportive online communities
• Have a proper holiday (travel restrictions permitting)
• Find a more serious/long term relationship
• Learn how to create deeper connections with people

Happy new year to everyone who reads this journal. Hope you all have a great 2022.

 

[BeyondShy]

Very good post that you gave a lot of thought to and reflection. I hope that you reach every one of your goals that you set for 2022. It is almost time for me to take off again and I will see you again next December. I would like to keep up with you year-round but I just can't around here.

 

[bender22]

I'll keep this to a very brief update since I don't have too much relevant to the theme of this thread to report on.

I haven't been on any dates since new year and have barely spent any time on the dating apps. I've just had other things occupying my attention and dating hasn't been a top priority.

I've just spent the last few weeks in my home state, which was nice to spend some time with my family and a few friends from there. I caught up with my old wingman that I used to go out with a lot when living there. We talked to a few groups of girls while we were out, which was fun to do again.

So far this year, I've been able to keep myself fairly centered. Which, as I mentioned in my last post is something I need to work on this year. I've been consistent with daily meditation and also reading more regular. Both of these have helped.

My housemate caught covid a few weeks ago. In the past, that would have sent me into a bit of a panic and a lot of worrisome thoughts. I did feel a bit anxious when I found out about it but overall I stayed pretty composed and calm about the whole situation which was good. And fortunately, I didn't catch covid from her.

Will probably try to spend a little more time on the Hinge and Bumble again in the next few weeks and see if I can get some dates set up. But I'm not feeling overly motivated to focus on online dating right now. There are other things besides dating I'm currently much more excited about.

 

[bender22]

What I Can Do Better In 2022

Focus on keeping myself centred and into a position where I'm operating closer to my potential. If I can do this, then everything gets easier - work, business, dating...And I'm just happier in general.

I know that regular meditation will help get me there. Avoiding social media (and probably technology in general for a while) will help. Keeping my diet clean and healthy is important. I consume a lot of informational content through youtube, podcasts, blogs and books. But I think reading from a book is best for me. My mind gets too scattered when I start watching youtube videos or even listening to podcasts. And I realise now that I learn best from written content over video and audio content.

I also need to get more focused. When I'm trying to do too many things at once, my mind gets overwhelmed, I get stressed and that's when I get out of balance. Earlier in 2021, I wrote in here about a 9 week challenge I made for myself, where I set tasks for myself to complete each week. This was when I thrived the most during the year. And it was also probably my happiest period of the year. I think that's because I narrowed my focus.

Perhaps I pick just one major area of my life to focus on each month and really committing to that.

Focus on getting pleasure from the small things. My habit of excessive thinking often stops me from enjoying things that I should enjoy. In 2022, I want to take more time to stop and enjoy things like the food I'm eating, really appreciate the beauty in nature, be more present when I'm with other people and enjoy their company.

Develop more meaningful relationships with people I like. Not just romantic relationships (although that would be nice too) but better friendships and business relationships. Even if these relationships are developed online rather than in person. I think my entire life I have undervalued the importance of building relationships with other people.

Other Things I'd Like To Do In 2022

• Build at least one profitable side hustle
• Read more books and consume less video/audio content
• Buy a house
• Mentor someone younger than me
• Learn more about myself
• Learn how to cook more
• Participate in one or two supportive online communities
• Have a proper holiday (travel restrictions permitting)
• Find a more serious/long term relationship
• Learn how to create deeper connections with people

Happy new year to everyone who reads this journal. Hope you all have a great 2022.

Time to check back in to ALL for a bit of self-therapy lol.

Now that we're a few months into the year, I thought it would be good to take a look back at the post above from the beginning of the year.

I think I've done a pretty good job so far at keeping myself more centered. My mind has generally been more stable, rather than racing all over the place.

A few things that have helped me in achieving this -

Meditation - I've been very consistent with meditation so far this year. Usually 10 minutes a day. So far I've only missed 3 days. At the beginning of the year, I downloaded a habit tracker app, which has worked well to keep me consistent with this habit.

Avoiding things that trigger 'the monkey mind' - As I mentioned in the post above, my mind tends to go all over the place when I start consuming too much content through YouTube especially and even podcasts. I think all the clickbait titles and the attention grabbing thumbnails of videos really scatter the mind.

Instead of constantly searching for new podcasts, I've been listening to audiobooks more often. Since an audiobook is much longer, I'm spending much less time trying to decide what to listen to.

I find watching Youtube in full screen mode helps, so you're not continually distracted by the recommended videos.

Focusing on enjoyment from the small things - this is something I'm getting a little better at but still could work on. I've been trying to really pause when I'm eating and focus on the flavours in my mouth. But I'll often forget to do this.

One thing I've done well so far this year, is developing more self awareness. Understanding myself, what makes me tick, what gets me out of balance, becoming more in tune with my own body.

A habit I've developed to assist with this is keeping a 'self awareness journal' in evernote. I try to add an observation about myself to this note every day (this has been added to my habit tracker app too, helping to keep me consistent with the practice)

I'm finding it's really helping to better understand myself and bring awareness to some of my weaknesses as well as my strengths.

I've also being doing a lot more cooking this year, which was a goal of mine. Getting a lot of enjoyment out of that.

Dating

With these other things I've been focusing on, dating has taken a bit of a backseat. Which is why I haven't been so active in this thread lately.

I had a date on the weekend, which was actually surprisingly good. Went into the date expecting that the girl might be a little boring but ended up having a good time.

In the last few weeks I have been a bit more active on the dating apps. Should be at least a few girls I'm currently talking to who I can meet up with in the coming weeks.

I'm not sure what it is but my motivation for dating and meeting new girls has been fairly low. Maybe it's because I've had a lot of dates that never lead to anything and I felt like I was just wasting my time.

My sex drive has also been extremely low, which is making me even less motivated to pursue more dates.

I have been very focused on business so far this year. And I find it's very difficult for me to simultaneously focus on both business and dating. Focus on one comes at the expense of the other.

Perhaps I need to allow myself to go easy on the business stuff for a couple of weeks and dedicate a bit more time to dating again.

But focusing on business does seem to keep me more grounded. Often when I get more caught up in dating, it activates my ego and I get more out of balance. So that's probably one more thing that has held me back from dating so far this year.

Really good to get these thoughts out in writing again. It's been too long since my last post. As usual, any thoughts and feedback are welcome.

 

[bender22]

I had a date with a girl from Bumble this morning. I think she was just about as close to checking all the boxes on my ideal girlfriend list as I've found.

She's good looking, takes care of her health and fitness, intelligent, kind, has ambitions, has a good relationship with her family, speaks well..

I don't want to get too excited because it's possible she just wasn't interested in me. It's also possible that she could turn out to be not as good as she seems if I were to get to know her more.

But it is nice to see that the type of girl I'm looking for actually does appear to exist on dating apps where I live.

Really hope that I can see her again. It seemed like she had a good time and I could see some signs of attraction from her. But women are hard to predict so who knows. It would definitely be a disappointment to finally find someone from a dating app who seems to check all the boxes and then never see them again.

I think I conveyed myself pretty well on the date. One thing I did catch myself doing on a few occasions was talking a bit too much...

As an introvert, it never even occurs to me usually that I could be talking to much. I always think of that as 'something other people do.' But I probably am guilty of it sometimes on dates when I'd be better off just asking the girl some more questions then shutting up.

I did recognize myself doing this on a few occasions during the date and then tried to shut up and let her talk more.