bleeding inside

[bluemill]

I've realized it's over now, after months of illusions. A ring that was bought then turned back. Parents asking daughter about the weeding date. Daughter preparing her white dress.

Tears come easy, with no relief.

I'm trying to immerse myself in work and focus my thoughts in the minute, the hour. Breathing is a burden.

Although pain, distress, grief are on the menu now, what is killing me are regrets.

Regrets.

Since the very moment it all started, I've exactly foreseen and predicted the way it was going to end. Wasn't I purely harming myself by going down the dead end.

Friends,it was greed. Greed of leading the life the majority of the human population leads. My parents, neighbours, colleagues and all those you meet hand in hand. What's the point if one is not destined to. No matter how hard I tried, I will just never happen.

It's all like the poker table, don't seat unless you are dead sure about your backups.

I took the chances once again, driven by greed. I lost a lot.

 

[evanescencefan91]

oh I'm so sorry that happened bluemill

that's gotta be tough

but you're not the only person this has happened to. Tons of people get plans to marry marry and such, but then it all falls through

*hugs*

and trust me man it'll happen just don't stop hanging on

 

[bluemill]

Thanks dear evanescencefan for taking time to drop me a couple of lines of compassion and hope.

I know they are thousands over there feeling the same. Everyone must have his story, his path in life, his misery.

Mine, my life, without going in details was never an easy one. I must belong to the folk cursed on earth. I had, still
have to fight for the most basic things, most of people take granted. Time passes and I get wired. It all becomes a matter of costs, you don't want get involve in situations that are inevitably meant to drag you down, when you trying hard every single day to sense a sun in a heavily clouded sky.

I went through a year unemployment period, got to be tortured by all possible demons that can haunt the human being (feelings of failure, uselessness..). I fought the deep depression back because I had no other choice then to stand. Stand for the all the sacrifices I had to make since the tender age. How could I have left myself down.

I ended by finding this position, had to move again. I was back to life and left the broken days behind. I wanted a new start, and promised my self to avoid yesterday mistakes.

I met this person at work by chance. I saw him a couple of times with no other intentions then friendly ones. I was new in the town and knew almost no one. He admitted he was attracted to me, liked me a lot. I told him that I wasn't going to allow myself into another of these dead ends, downward spirals. Stories you have just learnt by heart, I'm amazing and awesome the first week, they are already in love with me the second, they hang up without the least reason the third, leaving me to wonder, to questions, to torture.

He convinced me he was to be the different one, the one who will never let me down. The one who was going to be respectful, honest and loving.

I jumped into the train, over hope, over greed of being normal, of not having to explain even to strangers why do I still on my own, over relief for not having to spend those holidays, weekends all alone, over the chance that he might be the one I will open up to, be my best with, the one I meant to be with. Basic things. It's all it takes.

The train had to stop many times, every of which I could clearly see it was running into a dead end. I lied to myself.

A year journey to come back to the starting point, broken again. In the middle of nowhere. Force myself into the zombie, and lame again.

He ended it making up to look like it was all my fault, I'm the only one to be blamed.

 

[Pair-O-Dox]

I"ve gone through a few bad relationships and I just wanted to let you know that it's ok *hugs*. If it was a dead end relationship, then it's better that it ended for before you two were actually married (sorry but this is the optimist in me trying to find the positive). I've been used and abused *refer to a previous post in the Relationship forum by myself, but I often felt liberated once I was out of those relationships. I wish you the best of luck Bluemill . And please don't beat yourself up.

 

[bluemill]

Thanks PAir-O-Dox,
I have to admit that I feel 'liberated' from not having to be called names, treated like a weirdo just because I don't necessarily run the same errands the 'sheep bound to the flock' runs. I happen to be quite enough the independent mind and have my share of non-moulded, non-conformist views and ways.
Liberation brings oneself respect, recovers your ability to see where you started, who you are and what you do stand for. It gives you length to see the relationship from that unbound/uninvolved angle of vision, and the evaluation is less biased by the involvement.

Sorrily, it can help you through the morrow even if it could. When it's OVER the desperation mold closes it shelf again with you inside. The days will look interminable and all the same, no purpose, no hope. Emptiness, boredom, nothingness and how many other words could describe is endless. Before it was OVER, you had a goal every now and then, one is to see him the weekend and share the simplest thing you can't afford by your own, a talk, a walk..
The other, is that you kind of had a reference in your life, someone who sees you progress, evolve, cry today and smile heartily tomorrow.

Now there is just me again, just by me. I managed to understand very complex mechanism, but will always fail to understand how can one share a living in a Planet populated by at least another 6 billions alikes and yet spend sometimes a week without talking to anyone except to say 'hi' to the hostess at the local grocery store.

 

[bluemill]

Another night in hell -Lord forgive me-..
I thought the last weeks tears were to salve the pain, I was wrong.
The wound, wounds are truly still out there, for tonight, for every single coming minute..

Sobbing over the cruelty of men. Apart from father, what are you meant then breaking my alikes into part.

What do I have in hand other then mourn, log here and admit to the complete strangers my distress, despair, pain.

Why God didn't I listen to the warning bells screaming loud a year ago, months ago, every now and then that the outcome was inevitably to be today's misery and torture.

If you I wasn't believer -God forgive me-, I wouldn't have thought long before ending this misery. For I never belonged and shall never belong to this world. True relief lays no doubt in my grave.

 

[Luna]

((((((((((bluemill))))))))))

I'm so sorry bluemill.
Some things in life do not turn out the way that we expect or hope.
We just have to keep on fighting though.
Don't beat yourself up for it and take care of yourself.

 

[meeeese]

wow bluemill, your story is similar to mine...i walked away from my other at the end of July. it was all the things you described, perfectly fitting everyone else's ideas of perfection except for mine; and funny, i never even wanted a perfect partner, just perfect love.
it's been hard, knock down, drag (myself) about hard. i even did that awful-looking at old photos, wistfully dreaming of happier times- thing. its torturous. i also (and still do) think my life now is just where it was before it all began, which makes me feel like ive accomplished nothing, wasted time, im a waste, etc.
the truth is, that no life experience is a waste. it's our job to to look at what happens in life and learn from it. but sometimes alot of time needs to pass before we can garner hindsight. if anything, try to ignore it for a while. focus on other things. say **** it and move on. in time, when youre ready and on more solid ground, maybe then you could revisit things.
from my experience, by dwelling on things you only get more deeply stuck.

be well,
meeeese