BeedleBea
New member
My boyfriend is a wonderful person but he hates himself & he's extremely lonely.
I’ve been with him a long time & he changed a lot over the yrs but he's always struggled with being himself & feeling comfortable in social situations because of perceived 'awkwardness'.
When i met him at Uni he was presenting as autistic, to a degree. As a uni house we all hung out & he was ruthlessly teased for being awkward; though it was chiding, it obv really got to him & stuck with him. He had previously been bullied at school. He often retreated to his room on a night out to cry, but I could never get him to explain; he was ashamed.
I was a friend for ~2 yrs before we started dating. Over the yrs this awkwardness lessened & with me he is now usually completely comfortable/ himself. With others he can be 'off' - that's how i describe it but i'm very aware of any changes to his behaviour/ personality because i know him so well. Thus, when he says something a bit 'awkward', I know it comes from insecurity and overthinking. This is because he is so incredibly down on himself; he thinks he is 'ugly', 'awkward' and 'no one wants to know him'; this is compounded by anxiety and health OCD, which are aspects of him that have added to a toxic shame issue. He’s really struggled to communicate his feelings for years, so it was already 4 yrs into the relationship before I knew of these issues.
He says there's 'evidence' for his opinions of self because he has never made a true friend, has always been left out & no one has looked at him longingly. Whilst i disagree, It’s hard for me to contest that he can not make friends because he is in his 30s & he still hasn't got a real friend. He believes any friend he had was on account of them knowing me & those before me now do not have much to do with him. He failed to make friends at work, and has been left out of social events by most 'friends' who made little effort with him and/ or has been discarded by them over time after all efforts to do things together have been made by him, only to be mostly shot down.
He also feels that no woman has ever really looked at him admiringly, so he 'must be ugly' because everyone gets some attention. For the record, he is attractive - not that that matters, of course. Me being his girlfriend hasn't helped change this notion because he believes i am only with him because he's a supportive boyfriend and i love him through friendship. I love who he is, and I do find him attractive. However, I struggle to show desire/ sexual attraction. Unfortunately, that's part of my sexuality; it is rare for me to feel sexual attraction, and I'm working through my own anxiety with this. I think he is brilliant but no matter what i say i cant change how he feels about himself and i cant magic up the friends he deserves.
Therapists suggest he spend time living alone - out of a relationship - because part of his issues involve struggling to be alone. He has never had any independence or lived on his own. His parents speak to him daily & I have been there constantly. I agree he probably needs to live independently & maybe he even needs to date but ofc i'd struggle with this tremendously. However, I can't let him continue on a downhill trajectory, constantly crying over how unbearable it is to live this way and how he worries it will never get better. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to help him, even if it means space & temporarily moving out.
When self-esteem is so cripplingly low, and it's only gotten worse and worse, how do you help someone who can’t make friends?
What do I do to support him?
I’ve been with him a long time & he changed a lot over the yrs but he's always struggled with being himself & feeling comfortable in social situations because of perceived 'awkwardness'.
When i met him at Uni he was presenting as autistic, to a degree. As a uni house we all hung out & he was ruthlessly teased for being awkward; though it was chiding, it obv really got to him & stuck with him. He had previously been bullied at school. He often retreated to his room on a night out to cry, but I could never get him to explain; he was ashamed.
I was a friend for ~2 yrs before we started dating. Over the yrs this awkwardness lessened & with me he is now usually completely comfortable/ himself. With others he can be 'off' - that's how i describe it but i'm very aware of any changes to his behaviour/ personality because i know him so well. Thus, when he says something a bit 'awkward', I know it comes from insecurity and overthinking. This is because he is so incredibly down on himself; he thinks he is 'ugly', 'awkward' and 'no one wants to know him'; this is compounded by anxiety and health OCD, which are aspects of him that have added to a toxic shame issue. He’s really struggled to communicate his feelings for years, so it was already 4 yrs into the relationship before I knew of these issues.
He says there's 'evidence' for his opinions of self because he has never made a true friend, has always been left out & no one has looked at him longingly. Whilst i disagree, It’s hard for me to contest that he can not make friends because he is in his 30s & he still hasn't got a real friend. He believes any friend he had was on account of them knowing me & those before me now do not have much to do with him. He failed to make friends at work, and has been left out of social events by most 'friends' who made little effort with him and/ or has been discarded by them over time after all efforts to do things together have been made by him, only to be mostly shot down.
He also feels that no woman has ever really looked at him admiringly, so he 'must be ugly' because everyone gets some attention. For the record, he is attractive - not that that matters, of course. Me being his girlfriend hasn't helped change this notion because he believes i am only with him because he's a supportive boyfriend and i love him through friendship. I love who he is, and I do find him attractive. However, I struggle to show desire/ sexual attraction. Unfortunately, that's part of my sexuality; it is rare for me to feel sexual attraction, and I'm working through my own anxiety with this. I think he is brilliant but no matter what i say i cant change how he feels about himself and i cant magic up the friends he deserves.
Therapists suggest he spend time living alone - out of a relationship - because part of his issues involve struggling to be alone. He has never had any independence or lived on his own. His parents speak to him daily & I have been there constantly. I agree he probably needs to live independently & maybe he even needs to date but ofc i'd struggle with this tremendously. However, I can't let him continue on a downhill trajectory, constantly crying over how unbearable it is to live this way and how he worries it will never get better. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to help him, even if it means space & temporarily moving out.
When self-esteem is so cripplingly low, and it's only gotten worse and worse, how do you help someone who can’t make friends?
What do I do to support him?
