Break-Ups... How would you cope with this?

[berry]

Hi! I'm new here.

Let me start off my story with a few facts:
1. I am in a long distance relationship.
2. I am in a bad relationship. I know this. I do not want advice about the poorness of my relationship.
3. My relationship has been very on/off for the last four and a half years.
4. The person I am with has a car, money, and the time to see me. He lives an hour and a half away at most, but our visits are rare. Right now we are on an "off" period. He just... stopped talking to me. It happens. We deal with it. Usually he'll start texting me after a month or so and we'll pretend it never happened. Yup. That is the beginning of our problems, but not really the point of this post.

My problem is that I am a recent college graduate, living at home, and having no luck finding a job. He is the only person I consistently talk to. I moved a lot as a child/teen, so I was never able to learn how to properly make friends. As of right now, I have one "real-life" friend but we aren't very close. I have multiple "online" friends (usually long-distance "real-life" variety friends that I text often but can't actually spend time with) but they've recently stopped responding to me because I'm at a low point in my life and admittedly am pretty much a downer. Everyone knows my relationship is bad and no one wants to hear about it. Even if I'm truly down about, well, you know, having my heart broken, no one I care about seems to care.

So I'm lonely. I feel like I've got no one to talk to about anything. I live with my parent, step parent, and ten year old sister. I don't leave my house except to go to the gym. I don't have any way to socialize with people. None of the people I usually text respond to me, even in general conversation. I spend my nights wide awake and crying... I'm twenty. I feel so pathetic, like this is all hormonal and it should have stopped when I passed through my teenage years. It's not, though. I'm genuinely lonely and I have no idea what to do about it. I don't even have a reason to get dressed anymore.

I would appreciate any words, any advice, or really anything at this point. I feel like I'm going insane. I haven't physically spoken a word to anyone but my mom in days and it just makes me so, so, so sad because I can't even let her know what's going on.

 

[Badjedidude]

I know you said not to talk about the poorness of your relationship...

...but for fresia's sake.

Common sense.

You're not even IN a relationship. An hour and a half away and rare visits? Periods of off/on contact for months at a time? Sorry, but to my ears that sounds like you're being used. Four years, and you're only a couple hundred miles apart at most... and still no living together? It sounds like he comes around whenever he feels like it and when it's convenient for him. And you're OK with that?

Maybe I'm a silly idiot, but if I had a girl that close, I'd find a way to be closer. And as often as possible. And I understand that I don't know the whole story, so a snap judgment can go seriously far off-base. *shrug*

Again, I apologize for going there when you said not to. But really.

Why is this acceptable to you?

P.S. Welcome to the site. You'll meet some really good people here, and I hope you feel like you fit in.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I haven't physically spoken a word to anyone but my mom in days and it just makes me so, so, so sad because I can't even let her know what's going on.

This may be a stupid question, but why?

Your parents are exactly the kind of people you should be able to share your insecurities with. If it's making you feel this bad, I think you should speak to her.

You also said you don't want comments on your relationship, but I'm afraid I can't help but note that it really isn't a relationship at all. If the guy is just ignoring you for months...I wouldn't be surprised if he's seeing other girls in that time, especially if he doesn't bother to see you. I'd cut that off as soon as possible, because it's just asking to really hurt you otherwise.

I too don't really have any friends (most of my "real" friends moved away and I can't see them now), I deal with it by concentrating on work and my hobbies. You said you can't find a job right now - what do you do to relax?

Consider taking up something new that you can spend time on that doesn't involve anyone else. It's always useful to have something like that to take social stresses off the mind.

I'm sure once you get a job life will be easier, since that's a natural form of social contact. I do advise you to talk to your mother though, if you think she'll be in the slightest bit receptive.

Good luck

 

[berry]

I know you said not to talk about the poorness of your relationship...

...but for fresia's sake.

Common sense.

You're not even IN a relationship. An hour and a half away and rare visits? Periods of off/on contact for months at a time? Sorry, but to my ears that sounds like you're being used. Four years, and you're only a couple hundred miles apart at most... and still no living together? It sounds like he comes around whenever he feels like it and when it's convenient for him. And you're OK with that?

Maybe I'm a silly idiot, but if I had a girl that close, I'd find a way to be closer. And as often as possible. And I understand that I don't know the whole story, so a snap judgment can go seriously far off-base. *shrug*

Again, I apologize for going there when you said not to. But really.

Why is this acceptable to you?

P.S. Welcome to the site. You'll meet some really good people here, and I hope you feel like you fit in.

We don't live together because neither of us are in a financial situation to. We're 20/21, fresh out of school, and he's only just now starting to save up. I haven't even been able to start. He's recently gotten hired at a huge company and works a very odd schedule. There has been tensions. We're taking a break from talking until things settle down. This is how we do things. I stop talking to him at times, too.

I'm not going to comment on the other things, because that's only a small portion of the relationship and not something I'm going to completely dive into on a message board.

I really just wanted advice on how I could possibly not feel so shitty, not someone beating me down about something that I specifically said I did not want advice on.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I really just wanted advice on how I could possibly not feel so shitty, not someone beating me down about something that I specifically said I did not want advice on.

To be fair to Jedidude, he was offering some constructive criticism, not trying to put you down.

It seems to me (and apparently to him too) that your relationship is practically the primary cause of you feeling shitty, so it's quite hard not to give any advice at all on that.

We could lie if you wanted and give you useless advice just to diplomatically step around the issue, but I'd consider that an unpleasant and unhelpful thing to do to someone.

The other alternative is honesty, regardless of whether it may cause offence.

 

[berry]

I haven't physically spoken a word to anyone but my mom in days and it just makes me so, so, so sad because I can't even let her know what's going on.

This may be a stupid question, but why?

Your parents are exactly the kind of people you should be able to share your insecurities with. If it's making you feel this bad, I think you should speak to her.

You also said you don't want comments on your relationship, but I'm afraid I can't help but note that it really isn't a relationship at all. If the guy is just ignoring you for months...I wouldn't be surprised if he's seeing other girls in that time, especially if he doesn't bother to see you. I'd cut that off as soon as possible, because it's just asking to really hurt you otherwise.

I too don't really have any friends (most of my "real" friends moved away and I can't see them now), I deal with it by concentrating on work and my hobbies. You said you can't find a job right now - what do you do to relax?

Consider taking up something new that you can spend time on that doesn't involve anyone else. It's always useful to have something like that to take social stresses off the mind.

I'm sure once you get a job life will be easier, since that's a natural form of social contact. I do advise you to talk to your mother though, if you think she'll be in the slightest bit receptive.

Good luck

I can't talk to my mom because of her mental/emotional state. She isn't properly equipped to handle her problems, let alone mine.

If he were seeing other people, I would know. At one point, I lived in the area. We share social circles. Seeing as I never once commented on a lack of trust or anything, and I specifically said that I did not want advice on the subject, I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish there. I'm not going to explain specifics, but it's something that just works in our relationship until we're both ready to fully be with eachother, live together, and do the whole "adult relationship" thing. I just have trouble coping with the "off" times because he is my best friend.

I'm having a really hard time finding a job due to the field I'm in. I'm in a catch-22 situation where I HAVE to find a job in that field to get the remaining credits I need to graduate from that field-specific school, but it's hard to get the job without the credits. I only have about 6 months left to acquire the credits. Add to this the fact that I don't drive, can't afford to drive, and have very limited bus access, and you edge into the "taking up a new hobby" field. There are only so many things I can do at home alone. I paint, I draw, I read. I spend hours online. I blog. I clean. I take care of my sibling. That's about all I CAN do. I have no income, no way out.

---

I really just wanted advice on how I could possibly not feel so shitty, not someone beating me down about something that I specifically said I did not want advice on.

To be fair to Jedidude, he was offering some constructive criticism, not trying to put you down.

It seems to me (and apparently to him too) that your relationship is practically the primary cause of you feeling shitty, so it's quite hard not to give any advice at all on that.

We could lie if you wanted and give you useless advice just to diplomatically step around the issue, but I'd consider that an unpleasant and unhelpful thing to do to someone.

The other alternative is honesty, regardless of whether it may cause offence.

My issue is not the relationship in itself. It's the fact that he is my best friend and when he's not there and I've got no one else, I feel like honeysuckle. It's not HIM, it's the fact that I have literally no one to talk to. General loneliness to the extreme or something like that.

 

[Badjedidude]

We don't live together because neither of us are in a financial situation to. We're 20/21, fresh out of school, and he's only just now starting to save up. I haven't even been able to start. He's recently gotten hired at a huge company and works a very odd schedule. There has been tensions. We're taking a break from talking until things settle down. This is how we do things. I stop talking to him at times, too.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I'm not going to comment on the other things, because that's only a small portion of the relationship and not something I'm going to completely dive into on a message board.

I understand.

I really just wanted advice on how I could possibly not feel so shitty, not someone beating me down about something that I specifically said I did not want advice on.

It's unfortunate that you feel I'm "beating you down" about it. That wasn't my intention at all.

I hope you feel welcome here.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Seeing as I never once commented on a lack of trust or anything, and I specifically said that I did not want advice on the subject, I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish there.

What I'm "trying to accomplish" is helping you, so the hostility is unwarranted. I apologise if I caused offence, that's not my intention, but when someone comes to you with a problem, you can't respond to it selectively.

Example: If I told you I had a serious drug addiction and couldn't get a job or a relationship and then said "But don't talk to me about the drug addiction, I know it's bad", it'd be like asking a brick wall for help.

Anyway, you know what I think about "that", and my opinion remains the same despite the further details. Sorry. I will shut up about it now and wish you luck in future with it

Moving on, have you tried getting a small "easy" job while you wait for something more in line with your qualifications? It could be a route to something of a social life if that's what you would like.

My mother has a chronic health condition, so I don't like to burden her with my problems either. I can understand what you mean from that perspective. It's a difficult situation.

I think a small-scale job would perhaps be a good idea. Just something really basic that will give you an incentive to get out more and money to socialise locally or meet new people.

I will stop now, because that's all I can say without bullshitting you given the parameters imposed.

 

[berry]

Seeing as I never once commented on a lack of trust or anything, and I specifically said that I did not want advice on the subject, I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish there.

What I'm "trying to accomplish" is helping you, so the hostility is unwarranted. I apologise if I caused offence, that's not my intention, but when someone comes to you with a problem, you can't respond to it selectively.

Example: If I told you I had a serious drug addiction and couldn't get a job or a relationship and then said "But don't talk to me about the drug addiction, I know it's bad", it'd be like asking a brick wall for help.

Anyway, you know what I think about "that", and my opinion remains the same despite the further details. Sorry.

Moving on, have you tried getting a small "easy" job while you wait for something more in line with your qualifications? It could be a route to something of a social life if that's what you would like.

My mother has a chronic health condition, so I don't like to burden her with my problems either. I can understand what you mean from that perspective. It's a difficult situation.

I think a small-scale job would perhaps be a good idea. Just something really basic that will give you an incentive to get out more and money to socialise locally or meet new people.

I will stop now, because that's all I can say without bullshitting you given the parameters imposed.

A drug addiction and relationship problems are two entirely different things and it's not fair to put them on the same level at all. I am aware of the problems in my relationship and only the dude and I can fix them. We work on them when we can. It just gets frustrating to hear people outside the relationship try to give me advice about it. I know what people think about cheating and using, but our issues are completely different and are being worked on/largely stem from the distance to begin with.

Anyway, I don't have the time to look for jobs that aren't related to my field. I have to be able to apply to any position that opens up or the entire year I spent in baking school will go out the window. I need a certain amount of work hours and I can't waste them doing some meaningless job, as great as the social and money aspects would be. I really feel like I'm in a rut, but I just can't take the time that I could be using to apply to these jobs or get into contact with people in the industry. It's very time-sensitive.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

A drug addiction and relationship problems are two entirely different things and it's not fair to put them on the same level at all. I am aware of the problems in my relationship and only the dude and I can fix them. We work on them when we can. It just gets frustrating to hear people outside the relationship try to give me advice about it. I know what people think about cheating and using, but our issues are completely different and are being worked on/largely stem from the distance to begin with.

Anyway, I don't have the time to look for jobs that aren't related to my field. I have to be able to apply to any position that opens up or the entire year I spent in baking school will go out the window. I need a certain amount of work hours and I can't waste them doing some meaningless job, as great as the social and money aspects would be. I really feel like I'm in a rut, but I just can't take the time that I could be using to apply to these jobs or get into contact with people in the industry. It's very time-sensitive.

First of all, it was again not my intention to equal drug addiction with relationship problems. I was just using a hypothetical example of a question in which the root of the problem is off-limits to discussion as an illustrative aid to my point. Of course, the two issues are vastly different and not equatable in the real world.

For the rest of that first paragraph - that's fair enough. I will try not to mention it again, thank you for clarifying the situation, it makes understanding what's going on far easier and I can now try and respond more accurately.

You're correct, your situation is very awkward, especially with those job criteria limitations.

I'm having a little trouble with the time issue. For clarity, you're referring at the end there to the time-intensity of finding a small "easy" job, or the time-intensity of finding a job that will use your baking skills?

Overall, I'd say you want to analyse your priorities and time management. You have your baking experience under your belt now - that's something that remains with you and is yours. Did you receive a formal qualification for it? If so, even more strength in that point.

In the meantime, if money and a social life would make you feel happy, try and just find any job you can. You can always find a job that makes use of your particular skills once you're happy with what you've got at present.

If you'd feel capable of living as you are now for longer in order to get a baking-related job, then of course you could go for that instead.

In short, I'd try not feel held to ransom by your qualifications. It's an addition to your character in general, not something to be worried about wasting so much. Concentrate on your situation right now and what would make you happy, then act on that.

 

[berry]

A drug addiction and relationship problems are two entirely different things and it's not fair to put them on the same level at all. I am aware of the problems in my relationship and only the dude and I can fix them. We work on them when we can. It just gets frustrating to hear people outside the relationship try to give me advice about it. I know what people think about cheating and using, but our issues are completely different and are being worked on/largely stem from the distance to begin with.

Anyway, I don't have the time to look for jobs that aren't related to my field. I have to be able to apply to any position that opens up or the entire year I spent in baking school will go out the window. I need a certain amount of work hours and I can't waste them doing some meaningless job, as great as the social and money aspects would be. I really feel like I'm in a rut, but I just can't take the time that I could be using to apply to these jobs or get into contact with people in the industry. It's very time-sensitive.

First of all, it was again not my intention to equal drug addiction with relationship problems. I was just using a hypothetical example of a question in which the root of the problem is off-limits to discussion as an illustrative aid to my point. Of course, the two issues are vastly different and not equatable in the real world.

For the rest of that first paragraph - that's fair enough. I will try not to mention it again, thank you for clarifying the situation, it makes understanding what's going on far easier and I can now try and respond more accurately.

You're correct, your situation is very awkward, especially with those job criteria limitations.

I'm having a little trouble with the time issue. For clarity, you're referring at the end there to the time-intensity of finding a small "easy" job, or the time-intensity of finding a job that will use your baking skills?

Overall, I'd say you want to analyse your priorities and time management. You have your baking experience under your belt now - that's something that remains with you and is yours. Did you receive a formal qualification for it? If so, even more strength in that point.

In the meantime, if money and a social life would make you feel happy, try and just find any job you can. You can always find a job that makes use of your particular skills once you're happy with what you've got at present.

If you'd feel capable of living as you are now for longer in order to get a baking-related job, then of course you could go for that instead.

In short, I'd try not feel held to ransom by your qualifications. It's an addition to your character in general, not something to be worried about wasting so much. Concentrate on your situation right now and what would make you happy, then act on that.

My EXACT issue is this:

I need x amount of "supervised work experience" hours to get my certificate in baking. I've done all of the classes, so now I just need those hours.

I only have a year (from the time I signed up for those credits) to get the hours and turn in my forms. If I don't, all of my education is pointless.

I'm at a little under six months left now. Because the amount of hours that I need is fairly large, I don't have time to waste them applying to jobs that aren't even in the field. I have to be up and ready at any application/interview opportunity, and I can't do that if I have to spend an hour or two on the bus just to get to some unrelated, unimportant-to-my-career job.

 

[gypsytrip]

Hey there =)

I may be completely misunderstanding the work situation you've tried to explain, and if I am please forgive me. But if you do not have a job at the moment, I see no reason why you cannot get a retail job just for now, and go to any baking related interview when you are called. I've been applying for sales associate jobs just to save a little extra money for further schooling, and the places I've applied tend to only be looking for someone to work 8 hours a week. That is really only 2 or so hours a day. And your worst-case scenario would be calling your boss at the last minute, and telling him/her you can't come to work that day. Most jobs tend to give you 3 strikes leniency for ditching anyway.

It would only take a short amount of time to go to your local mall, gather applications, and fill them out. Maybe sacrifice your hobbies for an hour or two. I know earning money has been making me feel very accomplished. And making friends certainly doesn't hurt =)

I do not wish to give you advice on your relationship, only to tell you that I am in a long distance relationship as well. We live on opposite sides of the world and don't see each other for months at a time, also due to financial constraints. So I understand a portion of your pain!

 

[nerdygirl]

I knew an unemployed guy who only wanted jobs in the field he had studied. I knew another guy who had studied the same thing and was a cashier until he could find something in his desired line of work. Guess which one had the means to pay his bills.

I understand wanting to stick with the sort of work you've already trained for, but sometimes you have to put your pride to the side and take what you can get.

 

[berry]

Hey there =)

I may be completely misunderstanding the work situation you've tried to explain, and if I am please forgive me. But if you do not have a job at the moment, I see no reason why you cannot get a retail job just for now, and go to any baking related interview when you are called. I've been applying for sales associate jobs just to save a little extra money for further schooling, and the places I've applied tend to only be looking for someone to work 8 hours a week. That is really only 2 or so hours a day. And your worst-case scenario would be calling your boss at the last minute, and telling him/her you can't come to work that day. Most jobs tend to give you 3 strikes leniency for ditching anyway.

It would only take a short amount of time to go to your local mall, gather applications, and fill them out. Maybe sacrifice your hobbies for an hour or two. I know earning money has been making me feel very accomplished. And making friends certainly doesn't hurt =)

I do not wish to give you advice on your relationship, only to tell you that I am in a long distance relationship as well. We live on opposite sides of the world and don't see each other for months at a time, also due to financial constraints. So I understand a portion of your pain!

The reason I'm not applying for jobs that aren't related to my career is because of my time restraint. If I have to take the bus somewhere 2 huors away (bus trips take so much longer) it's going to be hard to get from the job to an interview that is on the other end of town, especially if it's last minute. I can't really be gambling, I NEED a food-related job within a certain amount of time.

It actually takes quite awhile to go to my mall and fill out applications. I have absolutely no bus money to spend and the only way I'll be given any is if I've got an interview I need to be at.

---

I knew an unemployed guy who only wanted jobs in the field he had studied. I knew another guy who had studied the same thing and was a cashier until he could find something in his desired line of work. Guess which one had the means to pay his bills.

I understand wanting to stick with the sort of work you've already trained for, but sometimes you have to put your pride to the side and take what you can get.

The difference for me is that I have no bills to pay; I only need to be saving up to move out. As I've said before, It's not just that I want to work in baking. In order to complete my baking certification (that I worked for a year on) I need a certain amount of work experience that relates to the field, and I only have a limited amount of time to find that work and get those hours. I can't financially, or even academically, afford to get a job that isn't related to my field and ride the bus for obscene amounts of time, wasting my day and making it harder to be available for interviews and callbacks.

 

[gypsytrip]

Well you're making this a little difficult for us, aren't ya =P

Just from the little information I know, it seems like we are at an impasse.

I have no idea if this happens to you, but I know I can be a bit stubborn sometimes and occasionally enjoy moping around. I will think "OH, gosh darn, my life is so horrible, there is no way out of this mess!" Can you realistically say there is no way to even take a small step out of this rut?

I really don't know what to say about your job and career. I feel like only YOU can really determine the best options for you. I CAN however try talking to you about being lonely.

Even talking to people on this site is great! I felt a little lonely and confused today, and the lovely people here have made me feel heaps better!

Making friends is possible anywhere. I know transportation is an issue for you, but if you could just go anywhere at all and simply talk to people, it will improve your spirits and make it easier each following time.

Try to be more light-hearted and easygoing. I know your life is really difficult right now, but people find it easier to be friends with those who make them feel good.

 

[nerdygirl]

It really sounds like you're sabotaging your own sanity by focusing on the idea that you have no time. I seriously doubt you are spending every waking moment trying to get jobs where you need to be. There probably aren't enough baking jobs to take up your time like that. Until you find the baking work you need, you have nothing but time. Time spent staring at the phone or checking email, or whatever it is that you're doing.

While I've never worked in the baking industry, I've had a lot of work experience. Neither as a potential employee or as the owner of a business have I ever had an evening phone call to arrange anything or scheduled an evening interview. If your evenings are free, you could be working until that awesome baking situation comes along. These other jobs are disposable. Once you secure the position you're looking for, quit that other job.

You're probably wondering why I'm advocating work so strongly. Well, it will cover a few things. Keeps you busy so you don't have time to get as lonely or stressed out. Opens up possible ways to meet new friends. Last and best- you currently have no means of transportation. Since you also have no bills, you can devote all of that money to saving up for a car!

If you have a car, you can increase the odds of finding a baking job. You can look at things that are farther away, things that aren't anywhere near the bus line, at hours that don't rely on the bus schedule.

 

[berry]

It really sounds like you're sabotaging your own sanity by focusing on the idea that you have no time. I seriously doubt you are spending every waking moment trying to get jobs where you need to be. There probably aren't enough baking jobs to take up your time like that. Until you find the baking work you need, you have nothing but time. Time spent staring at the phone or checking email, or whatever it is that you're doing.

While I've never worked in the baking industry, I've had a lot of work experience. Neither as a potential employee or as the owner of a business have I ever had an evening phone call to arrange anything or scheduled an evening interview. If your evenings are free, you could be working until that awesome baking situation comes along. These other jobs are disposable. Once you secure the position you're looking for, quit that other job.

You're probably wondering why I'm advocating work so strongly. Well, it will cover a few things. Keeps you busy so you don't have time to get as lonely or stressed out. Opens up possible ways to meet new friends. Last and best- you currently have no means of transportation. Since you also have no bills, you can devote all of that money to saving up for a car!

If you have a car, you can increase the odds of finding a baking job. You can look at things that are farther away, things that aren't anywhere near the bus line, at hours that don't rely on the bus schedule.

My mornings and evenings aren't free; I spend my afternoons+evenings watching my little sister.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Uh if your mornings and evenings aren't free, then why are you looking for a baking job? Are you looking for something that has restricted hours?

I wonder if you could bake for a catering service?

 

[nerdygirl]

So... You have limited transportation, not enough education for any position you've found so far, and you can only work certain hours?

Why did you get into this, anyway? I'm not trying to sound mean, just curious. It seems like you've set yourself up for failure.

 

[Badjedidude]

Why did you get into this, anyway? I'm not trying to sound mean, just curious. It seems like you've set yourself up for failure.

That's kinda what I was wondering, too. *shrug*